SANDRINGHAM - England - King Charles III has put the duo of grifters Harry and Meghan down with an official statement.

BARKING - England - The recently released Home Office Rape Pamphlet has successfully stopped an illegal migrant raping a woman.

LONDON – England – The humble fruit machine has undergone the sort of makeover normally reserved for politicians before an election. Once a noisy cabinet lurking beside the pub toilets, it now lives on smartphones, wears cinematic graphics and arrives with enough software engineering to make an old mechanical reel feel positively Victorian.