17.7 C
London
Tuesday, June 30, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 62

Jesus Will Save Russell Brand From Rape Trial

Sue Flay
-
3
Jesus Will Save Russell Brand From Rape Trial

Jesus saves. That is, if you believe Jesus is the son of God, or ever existed. In this respect, Russell Brand, who is currently in court on charges of alleged rape, is a reformed and saved man after converting to Christianity recently.

Exclusively to Christians, you are born as a sinner, and any other sins or crimes you commit are not very nice, therefore if you confess and repent your sins to a priest you will be forgiven. That’s the great thing about Christianity, you just notch up as many sins as you want, cash them in at church, then start over again.

Is there a limit to the number of sins you commit? Nope, because the Christian God is all forgiving, there is always an avenue for forgiveness as long as you confess your crimes.

The only problem here is that Russell Brand is accused of a few alleged rapey rapeys, and other fiddles, and he’s denying these ever occurred in court. So, how will that impact in his Christian belief? If he confesses his sins and crimes in line with Christian belief, then he gets a bit of jaily jaily time but he would be a true Christian, and if he denies his sins and alleged raping, he goes against Christian values of repenting and confession, and will thus not be forgiven for his sins.

This Christianity stuff does get rather complicated sometimes, but you just need to work on it, understand the rules and regulations, and you will be saved. You could possibly be sent up in the Rapture in a great flash of bright light, where you will rise up above the outer reaches of earth’s atmosphere to be united with God. Who knows what can happen?

If Jimmy Savile or Gary Glitter suddenly announced their Christian rebirth, could they have been saved as well?

Whatever happens now is up to God and Jesus, besides, if Russell is C of E, anything goes.

Labour and Tories Smashed by Reform Party in Local Elections

Sue Flay
-
0
Labour and Tories Smashed by Reform Party in Local Elections

The momentum of the Reform Party is rising, and the tide is turning as the local elections reveal the true feelings of voters.

As dawn emerges from the darkness of night, the numbers are coming through and Reform have absolutely murdered Labour and the Tories.

Despite some very dodgy dealing by Labour utilising nasty tricks and dubious methods in cancelling elections in 9 areas, Reform has picked up many different types of voters.

The Labour safe by-election seat Runcorn count was down to a 4 vote difference between Reform, which resulted in a recount. This time, Labour watchdogs stood over the counters like eagles, scrutinising every ballot paper with incredulity. The eventual result was a Reform win for Runcorn.

Reform has shown that Labour is now on the back foot and the very leadership of the likes of Keir Starmer is now at stake.

Trump Admin Blindsides Russia With Ukraine Mineral Deal

Sue Flay
-
0
Trump Admin Blindsides Russia With Ukraine Mineral Deal

Looks like Putin is going to have to watch out where he throws those missiles from now on, because if they hit any civilian US contractors on the ground in Ukraine, there’s going to be some serious trouble. No doubt, Putin and his butchers are not happy with this deal being signed, and will most probably do something rash. The signing of the lucrative, and elusive mineral deal with Ukraine is a historic moment that may help to stop the war continuing.

The deal will allow the United States to exploit Ukrainian natural resources, including aluminium, graphite, oil and natural gas. Reconstruction deals have also been signed, and will help the people of Ukraine to regain some form of normality after years of being attacked by the Russians.

This is a major coup for Donald J. Trump who has worked tirelessly along with his team to secure a deal amongst an atmosphere of indifference, anger and trickery from the Russian contingent.

Furious Russians

The Russians have replied furiously to the new mineral deal with the United States and Ukraine. Former Russian president and prime minister Dmitry Medvedev angrily blasted the deal, and even took a sneaky shot at Donald Trump.

He said: “Trump has finally broken the Kiev regime into paying for American aid with minerals,” as he deliberately used the Russian spelling of the Ukrainian capital.

“Now military supplies will have to be paid for with the national wealth of a disappearing country.

“And the US Senate, led by Republicans, is preparing to impose another round of ‘crushing sanctions’ against us. Let’s see how the new administration responds.

“Trump’s ratings have gone down, and the ‘deep state’ is putting up fierce resistance.”

Significant financial and material support for Ukraine

The mineral deal agreement recognises “the significant financial and material support that the people of the United States have provided to the defence of Ukraine since Russia’s full-scale invasion”, US Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent said.

Trump better get the Nobel Peace Prize for this one. He has done more in 100 days than multiple US Presidents have done in their entire careers.

Rare Earth Minerals of Ukraine

Ukraine has deposits of 22 of the 34 minerals identified as critical for modern devices. The country has deposits of rare earths such as lanthanum and cerium, used in TVs and lighting, neodymium, used in wind turbines and lithium for EV batteries, along with erbium.

Ukraine also holds one of Europe’s largest confirmed reserves of lithium, along with beryllium, manganese, gallium, zirconium, graphite, apatite, fluorite and nickel.

The country also holds large reserves of coal and 20 per cent of the world’s graphite reserves, a key component in electric vehicle batteries and nuclear reactors.

Unfortunately, the Russians now have occupied 40% of Ukraine’s metal resources, and the largest area of coal resources are concentrated in the East which is now under the control of the invaders.

There’s a Good Reason Why Some American Food is Banned in 20+ Countries

Sue Flay
-
0
There’s a Good Reason Why Some American Food is Banned in 20+ Countries

It’s good to have standards, in particular to what we ingest as humans. Donald Trump may wonder why many countries don’t want American food, well it’s simple, it’s full of shit.

From bread made with Azodicarbonamide (a chemical also used in yoga mats which causes asthma, hormone disruption, and cancer), to the American tap water full to the brim with chlorine and fluoride (linked to thyroid issues, lower IQ in children, and developmental toxicity). Azodicarbonamide is approved by the FDA as a dough conditioner and a flour bleaching agent. It helps to improve dough texture, increase loaf volume, and enhance the colour of bread but kills you very softly too.

American cow milk is pumped with synthetic hormones rBGH (Recombinant bovine growth hormone) and rBST (Recombinant bovine somatotropin) to boost milk production, which are linked to cancer, hormone disruption, and antibiotic resistance

If you’re a fan of eating toxic rubber, then you’re a fan of American cheese. Pumped to the hilt with food dyes and emulsifiers, it is engineered to melt and coloured to glow. It is banned in many countries including, Norway, Australia and Austria. American rubber cheese is coloured with petroleum-based dyes like Yellow 6 (Sunset Yellow FCF) with health effects, including hypersensitivity reactions and possible contamination with carcinogens. Emulsifiers used in American cheese have been linked to kidney issues, chronic inflammation and cancer.

Everyone has heard about the famous American factory-farmed chlorinated chicken. The reason they’re soaked in chlorine is because of the foul, overcrowded factories that farm them. Chlorine does not prevent contamination, it just covers it up.

Don’t forget to drink up your Mountain Dew infused with Brominated Vegetable Oil, which is utilised to stabilise the citrus flavour in the drink. There’s a reason why BVO is banned in over 100 countries, because it is linked to memory loss, hormone disruption and loss of fertility.

American pork is not any better. The animals are fed Ractopamine which builds up muscle fast, but when ingested by humans is linked to heart issues and hyperactivity.

Ever eaten an American apple? They look perfect, but one bite and there is zero taste or juice. You might as well bite into a piece of cardboard. This is because American apples are coated in Diphenylamine to prevent browning during long-term storage. We’re talking over 9-10 months of storage. Diphenylamine breaks into cancer-linked compounds over time and when ingested is a serious risk to one’s health. GMO apples, specifically those marketed as “Arctic Apples,” are also available to the clueless American consumer. They are engineered to resist browning, making them more appealing to consumers, says the Genetic Literacy Project. These apples are marketed in pre-sliced bags and are not labelled as genetically modified.

As for the cereals, they are infused with BHA (Butylated hydroxyanisole) and BHT (Butylated hydroxytoluene) preservatives. These synthetic chemicals are linked to various cancers and hormone disruption in humans. BHT and BHA are also added to many American snacks, like crisps (chips).

These examples are just a mere tiny snapshot of toxic foods many American supermarkets serve to their customers and try to export around the globe. They are banned in most countries. If Trump wants to improve exports, maybe he should consider improving the quality of American food.

Chinese Trump Taking the Internets by Storm

Sue Flay
-
1
Chinese Trump Taking the Internets by Storm

You have to say “China” in a certain way to really sound like Trump, and this guy does it perfectly.

The little inflections and hand gestures are also captured perfectly as this funny Chinese guy (Ryan) goes about his daily business.

It’s actually really refreshing to see Chinese people with a sense of humour, especially regarding the current situation between China and America.

If Trump ever sees this guy, he’ll probably have a Trump fit right there and then.

UK Bottom of List For US Trade Deal After Starmer Reunites With EU

Sue Flay
-
0
UK Bottom of List For US Trade Deal After Starmer Reunites With EU

The Labour government under Kier Starmer is set to lose the UK trillions after jeopardising a lucrative US trade deal.

It is understood that British negotiators are close to signing an agreement that would align UK food and veterinary standards with the EU’s regulatory rulebook.

Donald Trump has now made a trade deal with the UK a third-order priority, or he may completely dump the deal.

The United States has decided to split their negotiations with more than a dozen other countries into three phases, with the UK being placed in either phase two or three, according to people who have been briefed on the talks.

EU Deal Reversing Brexit Takes Priority

The Starmer policy of reneging on Brexit with talks with the EU on trade and free movement are one of the many reasons the Trump administration are looking elsewhere.

To enter into a so-called ‘Switzerland-style’ agreement would require the UK to align with all the EU’s food safety rules and then adhere to all future regulatory changes made by the collectivist EU bloc. This would constrain the UK’s flexibility in negotiating the agricultural chapters of other FTAs.

Rejoining the EU through the back door

  • Rachel Reeves has confirmed Labour is discussing a scheme to allow freedom of movement in EU and UK for young people
  • Food standards deal would align with EU regulations and eliminate checks on food and drink that’s exported to the EU
  • Product Regulation and Metrology Bill currently going through parliament will allow the UK to choose whether to recognise EU product rules
  • Relinking UK and EU carbon markets. Linking the systems would let UK and EU firms trade these carbon permits freely
  • New EU defence agreement will allow British defence companies to bid for money from the €150bn EU defence fund, tying them in with the EU
  • Allowing EU fishermen full rights to plunder British fish reserves

The US demands, according to UK ministers for the Labour government, are incompatible with the UK aligning with the EU’s agricultural regulations with an EU trade deal currently in progress.

Britain will now be set to lose trillions, and trillions of pounds that would have been good for the ailing economy as it is already on the brink of major recession. A lucrative US trade deal would have solved many of the UK’s economic problems. Instead of a lucrative US trade deal, Starmer is locking the UK back into the regulatory nightmare of the EU, which will cost Britain further trillions in GDP terms.

Comrades, We Have Created a New Land of Hope and Glory

Sue Flay
-
1
Comrades, We Have Created a New Land of Hope and Glory

Comrade Starmer today praised the open borders and mass immigration into the UK from the Third World. Speaking at an Albanian drug house where tonnes of marijuana are grown every year, supreme Comrade Starmer praised the “inclusive” nature of Britain’s socialist policies. This is the new Land of Hope and Glory.

“Comrades, I just witnessed a young English girl being injected with pure heroin. She will probably not make it, but that’s another discussion. I am here in this drug den in Walthamstow to enjoy the inclusive delights we have imported into the country.

“Just yesterday, a Congolese family of 583 landed in a rubber dinghy in Dover from Calais. Thankfully, they were escorted by the French Navy across the English Channel and were safe.

“We welcome them. All of these wonderful people, whoever they are, please come to our shores. There are 4-star hotels and even 5-star ones awaiting your presence.

“You are welcome to cook our stolen pet dogs on our pavements, to defecate loudly in our shop entrances, and to wash your anuses in our public fountains in front of children. The Third World is us now, we have decolonized ourselves from the Empire of old. This is even more important than giving away the Chagos Islands to China.

“Comrades, what I am trying to say is that we must ourselves be like the Third World, as Britons of the People’s Republic of Soviet Britain, we must open every door, every window, and most of all your pockets to house the entire Third World in our glorious soviet Big State.”

THERE WILL BE NO INGSOC NOTICE TODAY – BY ORDER 433980-34R-44392 – THE INGSOC OPERATOR – JIM BELTYHUE, 49, OF 20 ALBANIA ROAD, SECTOR 73, CONFESSED TO CRIMES OF ADJUSTING INGSOC TRUTH BULLETINS WITHOUT A CENSOR BEING PRESENT. THE CRIMINAL ALSO STOLE THREE PAPERCLIPS AND A STAPLER FROM A MINISTRY OF TRUTH OFFICE. HE WAS LIQUIDATED IN THE EARLY HOURS OF MONDAY MORNING AND PROCESSED INTO NET ZERO SMOOTHIES. REMEMBER COMRADES, LOOK, LISTEN, REPORT!

Illegal Invaders Demand International Recognition For Illegal Invasion

Sue Flay
-
0
Illegal Invaders Demand International Recognition For Illegal Invasion

Illegal invaders who illegally invaded a sovereign country are now demanding international recognition for the land they illegally invaded and now claim as their own.

Russia has rejected the Ukraine war peace deal proposed by Donald Trump, because it does not grant international recognition to territory seized by Putin’s troops.

Amongst a large list of grandiose demands, the clinically insane Sergey Lavrov, who calls himself the Russian foreign minister, demanded the resignation of the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelensky, and the throttling of the Ukraine military, as well as the territory Russia stole be accepted by the international community.

Lavrov also demanded the lifting of all sanctions, withdrawing lawsuits, returning frozen Russian assets and cancelling arrest warrants for Russian war crimes.

Anything else sir? How about a cherry on top, or maybe a fucking Molotov cocktail to suit?

Monopoly Money: Trump is Destroying the Dollar

Sue Flay
-
1
Monopoly Money: Trump is Destroying the Dollar

Soon the almighty greenback, the motherfuckin’ dollar is going to be worth shit, because entire nations are dumping the buck, like it was a quick fuck, and no one gives a dime.

Why is the dollar being dumped, you may ask? Well, in real simple terms, Trump thinks that dumping the dollar will make exports cheaper, but in doing so, US equities are going to get walloped and dumped in the garbage dump, and inflation is going to rise like no one has ever seen it before. Think about it, if a dollar ain’t worth a piece of shit, well, your loaf of bread is going to cost a wheelbarrow of dollars.

The boys at the Fed will get that quantitative easing thing going on in a panic, and bring out the printing presses to print millions of more dollars. This action will make things even worse as the laws of supply and demand dictate and inflation will continue its upward trajectory at an exponential rate.

dxy

This whole scheme of currency manipulation is a crock, and there was Trump berating China for doing it when he’s dumping dollars like they have a disease or something.

Americans better not think about travelling outside the US anytime soon, because they won’t be able to buy anything. You try buying something when you get 20 pennies back for every 10 dollar bill you present.

The world’s No.1 reserve currency? The dollar has fallen over 4.5% in April, with its biggest monthly drop since late 2022, as investors dump US assets, sparking more sell-offs as the real panic sets in.

Yep, it’s squeaky bum time.

Hit the Energy: Russian Hackers Having Field Day in Europe Blackout

Sue Flay
-
0
Hit the Energy: Russian Hackers Having Field Day in Europe Blackout

It’s all fun and games for the state backed Russian Sandworm hackers as they shut down the electricity grids in Spain, Portugal and parts of France.

A massive power outage appears to have possibly been caused by a cyberattack and Net Zero vulnerabilities. Monday’s outage has affected the entirety of Spain, as well as parts of Portugal and reportedly France. Factor in Net Zero making the entire energy grid system even more vulnerable to attacks, and you are inviting imminent disaster. In times of war, Net Zero is the last thing anyone should be thinking of implementing.

airports spain
Spanish airports are in chaos after the electricity is cut off by hackers

Major cities including Madrid, Seville and Lisbon have been hit by the power outage, leaving residents without electricity and mobile signal.

Lest we forget the recent exercise by the WEF.

This attack reveals how easy it is to incapacitate European countries, who are living in cloud-cuckoo-land in their EU utopia. It seems they have completely forgotten about Russia, or how to defend themselves.

The Russians meanwhile are conducting a little show of what they are capable of, maybe a few tests here or there to check out the weak points. No doubt, there will be very convoluted reasons presented for the blackout, and the official reason could be very different.

They could also hit the internet, and the water utility systems, which would cause even more chaos. Metros, airports, shops, and residents are without power, and mobile phone masts are down too.

The key factor here is that the EU is vulnerable, and this attack indicates that the Russians could maybe plough through the continent in less than a week, if they implement a multipronged attack plan. This is exactly why the UK needs to be prepared, and compound their military strength sharpish and if the country is to survive in any capacity — fuck Net Zero.

1...616263...821Page 62 of 821
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH