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Londoners Happily Preparing For Notting Hill Carnival

Londoners have been eagerly preparing for this year’s wonderful Notting Hill Carnival. Preparations have included much-loved culturally enriching stabbing rituals, machete slashing, guns and maybe a little rape practice here or there.

“They call me Slasher. I like to slash random people at the Notting Hill Carnival. Women, men, kids, pets, whatevah!” one happy reveller revealed.

London Mayor Sadiq Khan praised the wonderful cultural enrichment certain communities have brought to the Capital City since he was instated into power.

“I am proud to say that crime levels have increased by over 670% since I became mayor of London. The Notting Hill Carnival serves as an important cultural festival to celebrate a certain unnamed ethnic group. Urinating and defecating in the streets, public sex acts, gang rape and extreme levels of violence, public displays of drug use as well as that wonderful Grime music pumped out at high decibel levels whilst tourists receive multiple stab wounds and have their belongings stolen. We are turning London into a Third World shithole. Now that I am a Knight of the Realm, I really don’t give a flying monkey’s ass!”

This year’s carnival stands to surpass previous years in levels of cultural enrichment for Londoners.

Trump to Release Epstein Files on Mars or Jupiter

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Donald Trump will release the divisive Epstein files either somewhere on Mars or Jupiter, the White House has announced on Tuesday.

“We’re currently debating which planet to release the files on. Hell, we might just shoot the lot out into space, and it will just keep going and going.”

Trump is currently consulting with NASA to build a rocket large enough to host the Epstein files, which includes lists of important, high ranking individuals who enjoyed themselves on Epstein’s pedo island.

“If you all want to see the files, you’re gonna need to spend billions of dollars on space flight, rockets and stuff, and maybe train to be an astronaut,” Trump said.

Trying to appease his MAGA fan base, Trump is claiming that he is keeping to his word to release the Epstein files.

“We’re releasing the files. What more do you want? The shredded files will be taken into space and released on a planet somewhere. I’m keeping my word to you all, If you want to see them, get a frickin’ rocket ship!” Trump emphatically stated from the Oval room.

Staunch MAGA meathead Dan Bongino has threatened to resign from his grace and favour job given to him by Trump when he won the election.

“Thank you, President Trump for keeping your word. I gots me my sellotape, some cardboard, and glue. I’m making a spaceship right now to go to Jupiter to see those files for myself.”

 

PR Experts: Why Harry and Meghan Trying to Get Back With Royals

Public relations experts for a top firm have analysed the recent reports that a meeting took place at the ROSL, in St. James, London. The supposedly clandestine meeting took place between the staff of King Charles III and the Sussexes, who were negotiating a possible realignment of relations with the royal family.

Who leaked the details of the meeting to the press is debatable, but it is more than likely that the Sussex team wanted to show off their bid for reconciliation to the global press, thus displaying to the media and their fans that they are still relevant and “royal” despite courting celebrity Hollywood status in the last few years?

Depositphotos_646857208_S

The Sussexes have solidified their image apart from royal circles, and their claim to “fame” existed on dishing the dirt on the Windsors, but lately this tactic for attention has waned, so now they are desperate to garner more ammo, possibly for another Netflix series or another book.

“The Megxit stuff is old-hat now, and they can’t keep rehashing the same old tripe. Harry and Meghan need new material to moan about to the media circus and to bolster their fan network. This is their technique, and they need to be within the royal fold for new material so they can denigrate the royal family as much as possible, resulting in more attention and lucrative media deals for themselves,” a PR insider revealed.

Prince Harry even leaked details of a phone call to King Charles on his 75th birthday, amongst many leaks by both Harry and Meghan Markle to their preferred media sources.

The King was really disappointed with the entire debacle because within hours of the “private” conversation the details were leaked from the Sussex side to favoured media and that really crossed the line in the sand for the Royal Family because so very little of their lives is genuinely private.

Hollywood rumours currently circulating are that another film about the caustic relationship between the estranged Sussexes and the royal family are in the early phases, with Harry and Meghan having a thorough hand in the project. As yet, these are unconfirmed reports.

Should the royal family trust such desperate attempts at reconciliation after years of incessant attacks?

The Ghost of Margaret Thatcher Solves the Illegal Small Boats Problem

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On Tuesday last week, an apparition appeared in the House of Commons. It was the honourable former prime minister Margaret Thatcher. Assembled MPs witnessed the magnificent sight, and listened to her booming voice of reason and wisdom, transfixed. It seems Maggie not only thinks she is still PM, but still has that Iron Lady touch with serious words of wisdom.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

There comes a moment when a government must stand firm — not just in defence of its borders, but in defence of its very right to govern.

That moment is now.

We are witnessing a troubling development across the English Channel. Day after day, small boats set sail from the shores of a friendly nation, France, carrying those who have chosen not to enter our country through legal means, but to challenge the authority of the British state.

Let me be clear: Britain has always been a haven for the truly persecuted, the genuinely displaced. We have opened our arms to those who share our values, respect our laws, and come to contribute — not to undermine.

But what we are now confronting is not a refugee crisis. It is a crisis of will. A crisis of law. And a crisis of sovereignty.

These crossings are not made from war zones, but from a neighbouring country that enjoys peace, prosperity, and the protection of the European Union. Those arriving are not being hunted by tyrants. Many come not in desperation, but in opportunism, lured by the illusion that Britain is weak, soft, and blind to its own borders.

They are mistaken.

A nation that cannot control its borders is not a nation at all. And I shall not preside over the managed decline of British sovereignty.

Prior to becoming prime minister in 1978 I said: “People are really rather afraid that this country might be rather swamped by people with a different culture”. That fear has never left our shores, and is still prevalent today, and I can clearly see it.

That is why my government will act, decisively and without apology.

We shall bolster our maritime defences. The Royal Navy will be given new powers to intercept illegal vessels and escort them back to safe shores in France, firmly, but lawfully. There shall be no more silent drift into chaos.

We shall reform our asylum laws so that claims made in transit from safe nations shall be deemed inadmissible. We will not entertain legal games played by those who have refused protection in France, only to exploit our generosity here. We shall fast-track deportations of illegal entrants with no asylum claim. Cut legal aid and appeals loopholes to prevent “gaming the system” and introduce detention on arrival policies.

We shall suspend any agreement that encourages dependency or inaction from our European neighbours. And if France cannot — or will not — police its own beaches, then we shall have to reconsider the terms of our cooperation. We shall impose customs friction on French goods, withhold payments under any bilateral migration treaties (like the modern Le Touquet Agreement), introduce diplomatic sanctions and funding freezes related to border control failures by the French.

We shall not entertain leering, arrogant, ponce French Presidents like the one currently in office.

It’s a firm “Up Yours! Macron! No! No! No!”

We shall ensure that those who enter illegally do not receive benefits, housing, or legal aid paid for by the hard-working British taxpayer. Our compassion must be tempered with common sense.

And let us speak plainly: this is not a question of race, nor creed. It is a question of the rule of law. The British people are not xenophobic, but they are not fools, either. They know the difference between genuine need and calculated exploitation.

Some may protest. Some will wring their hands from comfortable armchairs. But I did not come into politics to be popular. I came to do what is right.

Britain is not for sale. Our values are not negotiable. And our borders will not be breached with impunity.

Let the world know: Britain remains a proud, sovereign nation. A generous host to the deserving, but never a soft touch for the lawless.

And to those who think they can test the resolve of this island’s people, I say this:

You may cross the sea, but you will not cross this government.

Thank you, I must get back to Denis, he’s had way too much again …

EXCLUSIVE : Daily Squib Holiday Giveaway! 1,000 Air India Tickets

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It’s the holiday season once again. Ever wanted to go to India? We’re giving away 1,000 Air India plane tickets, voted as one of the world’s best airlines by bots on the internet.

Contrary to belief, India Airlines is a very safe airline to fly on, with some very capable staff and well-trained pilots who know that shutting off both the jet fuel pumps to the engines are not advised during take off.

The one-way ticket will not ensure you finish your journey in one piece, however you may enjoy a few minutes of flight before you reach your final destination.

Another bonus is that you will not be required to bring any luggage for the flight, so don’t bother packing anything.

To get your free Air India ticket to oblivion, ahem, to India, please send a self-addressed-envelope with your name, address and next of kin to P.O. Box 3492, Vindaloo Road, Hyderabad, India.

R’s New Apartment

After a month at Widget Wonders, R is broke. She has spent her meager savings trying to keep up with the rent and utilities, but on $12.50 an hour in the year 2023, it has been nearly impossible. She’s been perusing Apartments.com for a few weeks and sees something doable.

213 Sheridan Street, Rottenton – Charming one-bedroom basement apartment.
Antique claw foot bathtub with indoor plumbing. Working fireplace. Paneling,
wall-to-wall carpet in spacious living room. Pets allowed. Tenant pays all utilities.
$500/month, no credit check.

vintage border 1

On Saturday afternoon, R goes to check the place out. The landlord, a short Indian man
with a confident grin, is waiting for her. From the outside, the place is unimpressive with its peeling white paint and dilapidated porch with loose boards.

“You must be R,” he says in a thick accent. He reaches out to shake her hand, smiling
from ear to ear.

“My name is Mr. Patel of Patel and Patel Management Company. Come, let me
show you around the apartment.”

R hears a siren from about two blocks away.

He leads R down a flight of stairs, past shelves full of tools and gadgets. The walls of the
main room are covered in poopy-brown paneling and the carpet is avocado green. There is indeed a fireplace, but it appears to be the only source of heat.

“This is your living room. Over here,” he says as he leads her through a heavy wooden
door, “is your bedroom.”

The floor and walls in the tiny bedroom are made of concrete with a large, tattered, pink
oval rag-rug in the center. There is just enough room for a twin-sized bed and a bureau.

Next, Mr. 2

Patel shows her the bathroom, where she sees the dirty, white claw foot bathtub and a pedestal sink with a makeshift medicine cabinet over it. What about the kitchen?

On the far end of the living room are a stove and refrigerator with a large sink meant for
washing clothes nearby.

R hears more sirens.

“What are the other tenants like?” R asks.

“Well, we have a few students, an older couple, a mother with her little boy. A little old
lady lived here in this apartment for twenty-two years. She passed away a week ago, right over there by the tool bench.”

R sees a tool bench in the corner, fully stocked with equipment.

“Who uses the tool bench?”

“Oh, the man upstairs likes to come down here and tinker from time to time. He doesn’t
bother anyone.”

Yeesh! But at this point, R has little choice. Soon the rent on her present place will come
due, and she can’t afford another month. Besides, the claw foot bathtub has character.

And who knows? Maybe the tool guy will turn out to be cool and end up being her future husband.

Between the two of them, maybe they will be able to afford to get out of this hell hole.

R and Mr. Patel hear the steps creaking. A tall man ducks his head slightly to avoid the
overhang at the bottom of the stairs and introduces himself. He is bald and pear-shaped, and by his speech pattern and demeanor, he appears to have some sort of learning disability. He is wearing a tattered grey t-shirt with “Stud” across the chest.

“Hi, I’m Johnny,” he says. “I like to come down here and work with the tools. I don’t
bother anybody.”

Double yeesh! Well, R is job-hunting while working at Widget Wonders, so maybe this
will be a temporary thing. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Who said that? Nietzsche?
Kelly Clarkson?

“See, I told you he doesn’t bother anybody,” Mr. Patel forces a big smile. “What do you
think, R? Would you like to live with us?”

R thinks about the way he said “us,” like she would be moving in with some sort of
dysfunctional family. Of course, Mr. Patel doesn’t live here. He probably has a nice place in the suburbs.

“I guess I’ll take it.”

“Congratulations, R, you won’t be sorry. First month’s rent and security deposit will be
due by this coming Friday. You can move in on Saturday.”

Mr. Patel and R leave Johnny to his own devices and climb up the warped steps. He bids
her good-bye and R clutches her Hello Kitty tote bag tight as she walks halfway down the block to her car. A police car whizzes down the street perpendicular to Sheridan. Once in her car, she locks the doors and cries. A scruffy old man dressed as a mime taps on her window.

She pulls away abruptly and sees him doing the stuck-in-a-box thing in her rear-view mirror. That’s what she is. Stuck in a box, in a basement in a town called Rottenton, New Jersey. The honors graduate of Grey Wolf Mountain College’s English Literature program and Sprockets Associate at Widget Wonders doesn’t see a way out anytime soon.

Read more of R’s adventures by Joann Evan:

R Rides the Bus

R Goes to Church

R Gets a Job

R’s Blind Date

R Visits Her Parents

R Goes to a Party

Fuera Gringos! Viva La Flat White! Viva La Revolución!

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The glass was gone, swept up like some bourgeois after-party shame. Only a ghostly pink smear clung to the stucco like lipstick on a corpse, remnants of a short, sharp war fought on the sacred tiles of a Starbucks in Condesa. The battle cry of the disenchanted and disenfranchised was clear: “Fuera Gringos!” they shouted in unison. The war was brief, frenzied, furious, and absurdly caffeinated. And, make no mistake, the damage had been done. The line between latte and class war had been crossed.

It was just another pleasant Friday in gentrified Mexico City, gringos in wide-brim hats sipping flat whites, their MacBooks open like little capitalist altars, when the Anti-Gentrification Front descended like a demented Marxist punk rock cavalry.

A procession of the disenchanted Zapatistas, the priced-out, furious locals and their Marxist sympathisers, chanting slogans and swinging signs like clubs. This was a planned hit on the glossy heart of global suburbia. The “fuck the gringo” modus operandi here was if the “vile capitalist swine” Trump is kicking Mexicans out of the USA, then Mexicans would kick the moneyed gringos out of Mexico.

They didn’t come for the coffee. They came for the symbols, the beige, tastefully air-conditioned Instagram occupation of foreign wealth infiltrating their proud nation.

And when they reached the Starbucks? Boom. The sound of glass exploding like liberation. Chairs went airborne. Delicate pastries were looted and launched into the crowd like carbs of righteous vengeance. Some bearded hipster in a floral shirt and sandals barista hit the deck. Someone screamed. Probably in English.

Signs waved in the hot smog: “Expat = Gentrifier!” and “Gentrification is Colonisation!” It was performance art. It was revolution. It was a targeted cultural exorcism with matcha foam.

The internet went nuclear. Videos of fallen muffins and sobbing freelancers lit up social feeds, sparking another round of navel-gazing among the digital nomads, land speculators, and shister local liberals. What had gone wrong in the land of mezcal and imported almond milk?

The truth? This war didn’t start last Friday. It began during the pandemic, when hordes of restless gringos — those pandemic-weary cyber pilgrims — fled lockdown cities and descended on CDMX like an inglorious plague of iPhone-wielding locusts.

Mexico, with its open borders and closed mouths, offered cheap rent, good weather, and no questions asked.

Roma and Condesa became colonies of avocado toast. Spanish retreated. English dominated. “Concept stores” popped up like fucking mushrooms selling incense, vinyl, and fashion that looked like it was curated by some hallucinating AI on Ayahuasca. And the food? It pivoted — hard. Some locals claim you can’t even find proper Mexican grade tacos any more without scanning a QR code and answering three questions in English.

Back at ground zero, the Starbucks had reopened — sort of. Half-full. And eerily whitewashed.

This is the gentrification paradox: locals feeding off the suppurating golden teat of global capital while also choking on its lactose.

Political analysts pointed out the geopolitical symbolism. The protest happened on July 4, Independence Day for the empire up north. Trump was back in the White House, ICE raids were back on the menu, and some protesters even carried Palestinian flags, making this a war of optics as much as economics.

The United States, true to form, responded with weaponised snark. Homeland Security posted a message that only Kafka could love:

Because nothing says “freedom” like app-based deportation.

And so here we are on the bleeding edge of a latte-fuelled class insurrection, where the front lines run through upscale bakeries, boutique hotels and globalised yoga studios. The revolution might not be televised, but it will be livestreamed. In 4K. With subtitles.

God help us all.

Why Women Should Not be Frontline Police Officers or the Military

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Forget Hollywood movies or TV dramas with women doing superhuman feats whilst juggling machine guns in each hand, maybe getting their left arm shot off and not even grimacing in pain. These are Hollywood fantasies. Real life on the other matter is brutal, and shows no mercy. To protect women, they should not be in the frontline in either a police or military outfit. To put women in these roles is actually counterproductive.

The British police force is essentially an unarmed, vulnerable police organisation that harbours no viable threat to armed criminals or violent individuals or groups. One could even postulate that they are ineffective cannon fodder when faced with the levels of violence that are present on Britain’s unholy streets today.

Not only are the British police a vulnerable, unarmed entity, but they are subject to an insane unjust woke justice system that values the rights of criminals more than that of the police or victims of crime. To fight back in defence in any way is punished by the lunatic court system, and many police officers have been sacked or jailed for their brave actions.

Moral is an important factor in any effective team, whether in the police or military. Women in these roles are essentially a distraction, and cause many of the male members to put their own lives and those of their colleagues at risk just to protect the females in the team. This female inclusion into the equation thus can limit the efficient running of any operations, risking lives further or causing complete operational failure.

In an ideal world where governments saw sense, the British police would be armed to the teeth and there would not be any females in the frontline. Courts would not threaten police officers with jail simply for doing their jobs. Sadly, we do not live in a world of reason or common sense any more, we instead live in a negative world of reversals, of unjust courts, and of a dystopian perversion of British society that is deteriorating for the worst every single day.

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Reeves Announces Another Glorious 0.1% Ungrowth in the Economy

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Comrades, my policies of heavy taxation upon taxation has worked wonders on the ungrowth of the economy of the People’s Republic of Soviet Britain. By punishing any form of wealth creation, aspiration, and vile capitalist behaviour, the economy has shrunk again for the second consecutive month.

Ignore the Laffer Curve

This contraction is not enough though comrades, I don’t just want the PRSB to plunge into mild recession, I want there to be a Great Depression.

Taxes kill the economy, destroy jobs, destroy businesses and destroy growth. Isn’t that a beautiful soviet thing?

The way to crush the bourgeoisie is to grind them between the millstones of taxation and inflation.

But, Comrades, don’t worry, if you are a train driver, union boss, council boss, Big State apparatchik, NHS boss or high party member your salaries and pensions have risen thanks to the Labour Party and my policies.

UK TAX BURDEN

More taxes upon taxes are still coming

We are now thinking of introducing a Wealth Tax to completely eviscerate and soak the vile rich scum who worked hard their entire lives to accumulate wealth.

Council tax is the new Poll Tax, as some councils are increasing it as much as 25%.

The People’s Republic of Soviet Britain, has already caused many of the wealthy to flee, but there are still some who have refused to leave. This is good, we will rob these rich chumps of every last penny so we can redistribute their wealth via collectivist communist techniques funnelling their wealth to the ever-growing welfare system and fake asylum seekers.

INGSOC NOTICE 1-1-11-1-111-1-0

JULIE GULLPIT, 34, OF STARMER PARADE, HAS BEEN AWARDED 0.04 GRAMS INCREASE IN SALT AND GIVEN 14 GRAINS OF RICE. SHE REPORTED HER FOUR CHILDREN AGED 3-14, HER HUSBAND, AND HER DOG, BOODLE FOR SCREAMING IN TERROR AND CRYING WHEN ANOTHER HUGE TAX DEMAND LETTER DROPPED THROUGH THEIR LETTERBOX LAST TUESDAY. THEY WERE TAKEN AWAY IN THE EARLY HOURS OF WEDNESDAY MORNING AND LIQUIDATED. REMEMBER COMRADES, LOOK, LISTEN, REPORT!

 

What Would Happen to Britain During and After a Nuclear War?

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The tiny British Isles, its rolling green fields, its babbling brooks, its quaint villages and towns, its cities, its forests. Well, MIRV knows what would happen during and after a nuclear war. What the media does not disclose about a full-on nuclear attack is that there are not just one or two missiles that hit each target, what actually happens is that the ballistic missiles have many warheads that are released in a MIRV (Multiple independently targetable reentry vehicle) that ensures the target area is completely destroyed.

There are no shelters when it comes to the level of damage that modern nukes produce. The deepest London Underground station at Hampstead is only 192 feet deep, and the shockwaves of a direct ground burst above or near it would cause much of the tunnel system to collapse immediately. Even if some of the tunnels did manage to survive, this would not ensure that radiation would not be able to seep through the ventilation systems and through the station entrances.

London, for example, would not just receive one bomb bang in the centre of the city as is routinely published by the mainstream media, it would receive at least 100–200 warheads each with massive payloads. The Sarmat (SATAN II) is capable of carrying 10 tonnes of payload, of ten 750 kilotons, 15 or 16 lighter MIRV warheads, therefore London would most probably be carpeted by over 12 Sarmats, north, east, south, west.

In countries like Finland, Norway, Sweden and Switzerland their governments make sure that their citizens have shelters to go to, whereas in the UK there does not seem to be anything of the sort. The general consensus is that the UK is defenceless and fucked. The government cannot even protect its own borders from people coming over from France in rubber dinghies.

The initial blasts are merely the beginning of the nightmare, though, because the resultant fires would carry large amounts of soot into the atmosphere, blocking out the sun for years. If this is a full scale nuclear war, the nuclear winter would ensure much of the earth would be plunged into an awful irradiated dark hell.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones,” Albert Einstein

In a full scale nuclear war with Russia, China, N. Korea, Iran against NATO approximately 4,400 to 5,000 nuclear weapons would be used which would create an estimated 150–180 million tons of black carbon soot injected into the stratosphere, above weather systems.

Once in the stratosphere (around 10–50 km altitude), the soot would not be washed out by rain, making it persist for decades. Computer simulations like NASA’s GISS climate model show that soot would remain above the earth for at least 7 to 10 years, with the worst effects in the first 2–3 years.

If you live in the Southern Hemisphere, there may be some chance of survival, but otherwise not for those in the Northern Hemisphere. Because most nuclear targets are in the Northern Hemisphere, the heaviest soot concentrations and cooling would begin there. However, the soot would eventually be dispersed globally within a few months as a result of the Earth’s atmospheric circulation patterns. Global temperatures would reduce drastically.

Many billionaires think that going to either Australia or New Zealand would save them, but unfortunately the adverse would mostly be a certainty. China has serious aspirations regarding the Oceanic regions, and Australia and New Zealand are rich in resources, particularly critical minerals, food, fresh water, and arable land — vital in a post-nuclear world.

China, through its Belt and Road Initiative, has increased influence in Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Vanuatu, and even Samoa — indicating a long-term South Pacific security vision.

Chinese military white papers suggest future expansion of naval projection capabilities beyond the First and Second Island Chains. China views both Australia and New Zealand as “low-resistance, high-reward” landmasses post-conflict with low populations, high resources and weak militaries.

Australia would also probably receive some nuclear attention because it hosts multiple US military installations, including Pine Gap—an intelligence hub integral to US global surveillance and nuclear targeting systems. Darwin and Perth are key US-aligned ports. In a total war scenario, China might strike them to eliminate Western Pacific threats.

New Zealand, while less militarised, still participates in Five Eyes intelligence and ANZUS cooperation, which would not go unnoticed.

Where the fuck to go then?

Well, somewhere in South America is probably best, but not a certainty.