17.7 C
London
Thursday, June 13, 2024
secret satire society
HomeEntertainment"I Really Enjoyed the Notting Hill Carnival Despite Being Stabbed Eight Times"

“I Really Enjoyed the Notting Hill Carnival Despite Being Stabbed Eight Times”

LONDON - England - The Notting Hill Carnival this year was pretty much the same as last year, with multiple stabbings.

Local resident of Notting Hill, John Smith, 32, a Labour counsellor, recounted his experience at this year’s Notting Hill Carnival after being stabbed eight times and left for dead.

“As a champagne socialist and bleeding heart liberal slash Marxist, I actually enjoyed being stabbed multiple times. I usually virtue-signal at any opportunity, and this was a good time to champion the thug who plunged the zombie knife deep into my intestines and liver. I was revelling in the meaningful ‘inclusive’ cultural exchange as copious amounts of my blood spurted out of the stab wounds.”

Mr. Smith added that he was totally in tune with the poverty and debasement of the Jamaican born individual who butchered him.

“It’s not their fault, many cannot even read or write. I totally blame the Tory education systems because they do not take these people by the hand and give them things for doing nothing, they expect pupils to actually make an effort. At one point, my liver was hanging out of the stab wound, so I calmly pushed it back in so that no one would trip on it. After the stabbing stopped, I thanked the man for coming to our country and integrating into British culture. He then stabbed me in the groin for good measure. I thanked him for that as well.”

Mr. Smith is lucky to be alive, and will never walk again. His wounds were so severe that he will have to use a catheter to urinate for the rest of his life because his genitals were severed from his body. Despite this set back, Mr. Smith praised his attacker.

“If we were living in a socialist Labour utopia where money somehow grows on trees, and everyone is magically equal and happy, this young man would not be so angry. I really see his point because people tell him he has to work for a living and study for a good education, but because he can’t be bothered to work or study and is into drug dealing and part of a gang of murderous thugs he only knows violence as a way of communication. I have petitioned the council to give him more benefits, so he can buy more drugs and continue just being who he is. It’s not his fault, *cough* it….is….eurgh!”

At that point, unfortunately, Mr. Smith suffered from multiple organ failure and died gurgling about how great socialism and wokism is for society.

This year at the Notting Hill Carnival, only 87 people were stabbed, and only 35 people died, compared to previous years, it was a picnic.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!

Translate »