17.7 C
London
Wednesday, July 1, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 70

Classified Files Released: “Drugged Up Prince Harry Shot JFK From a Flying UFO”

0

The White House has released heavily redacted classified files that reveal the amazing news that Prince Harry, high on psychedelic mushrooms, was flying over Dealey Plaza, Texas in a flying saucer at 12:30 p.m. Central Standard Time on November 22, 1963. He was in Texas on a galactic safari/hunting trip when he shot JFK.

The startling revelations have stunned many people across the world.

The White House released the formerly classified documents to great fanfare from the waiting media and public, after months of false promises.

“Goddamn, I knew there was something fishy about that Prince Harry guy. It was him all this time! He shot JFK then flew up to his mothership in the Draco constellation,” an American commented on Wednesday.

Just When You Thought Woke Was Gone …

0

One would have thought that the new era of Trump would hail some kind of renaissance in anti-woke reality where some form of normalcy was realised, but unfortunately, this is not the case. What happens to socialists, communists and the woke when they are pushed against a wall is even more scary — they double down.

This is the case in New Jersey hospitals, where new parents are now routinely given a questionnaire directly after the birth of their child. Kudos to Holly Schepisi, a Republican member of the New Jersey Senate, who will do something about this.

It reads:

“Which of the following best describes your baby? Lesbian or gay; straight or heterosexual; bisexual; self-describes (please specify); questioning/unsure.”

Newly born babies barely have a brain formed, and it is insanity to think that a newborn can “self-describe” its sexuality or is in a period of “questioning/unsure”.

woke babies new jersey

To this end, we must conclude what we have always concluded, that woke people are fucking deranged lunatics, they are so completely wacko and demented maybe they actually do need to all be exterminated with the highest form of prejudice. Only joking, just stick ’em all in large padded rooms for eternity, that should suffice.

What would Tony Soprano do in this situation? Send in Furio of course.

It’s only a matter of time though before this level of grotesque woke insanity comes to the NHS, which is already heavily infected with this dire shit.

Britney Spears Needs Some New Furniture Pronto

Whenever Britney Spears posts another video of her doing deranged, psychotic dances that are seriously demented, the real concern is with her furniture, it’s just so outdated.

In fact, her entire place looks like some kind of Holiday Inn suite from 1982.

Sure, Britney is a raving schizoid probably on god knows what drugs, but at least go to Ikea or something. Get a KNUTSTORP or a DAGSTORP or something that does not look so cheap and tired for fuck’s sake.

This poor woman looks like she is literally imprisoned in a motel lobby somewhere out in the Midwest from 1981.

If Britney reads this, which she will never do, please get some new furniture, so we can watch your psychotic gyrations knowing full well that you have taken the time to do something about the dire furniture situation in the background.

Better still, why not download an app that can remove the background completely, and maybe remove yourself from the videos too, wow, that would be a great bonus. Just post a blank video or something, anything is better than this utter, utter, useless shite.

Oops, Hunter Biden Just Lost His 18-Man Secret Service Detail

0

Hunter Biden, who is supposed to be broke, is having an extended holiday at a luxury five-star resort in South Africa at the moment after telling a judge that he was broke.

The cost to furnish him with 18 Secret Service agents at all times exceeds $34 million per annum. Trump just revoked all of that.

revoke ss hunter

 

Looks like Hunter is going to have to get his crack by himself from now on, as he won’t be able to send his detail out to get it for him.

These are truly sad days for the Democrats.

 

If You Can’t Speak or Read English in Arkansas You’re in Big Trouble

0

The state of Arkansas is getting serious with drivers who can’t speak, read or write in English.

English Checkpoints

A truck driver at a weighing station witnessed dozens of arrests of people who were first tested on their English reading skills and their speech.

“I was actually witnessing people in handcuffs that had been pulled in. I was like, what’s going on? He goes, we’ve come across now that if you cannot read or write in English, that it’s a $5,000 fine.

“And if you have a company in Arkansas that employs people that can’t read or write in English, it’s a $10,000 fine paid on the spot.

“If you cannot pay it, you’re automatically arrested and lose your licence”

All trucks in Arkansas are now stopped and everyone is handed a piece of paper. They must then read out what is written on the piece of paper out loud. They must also write down on another piece of paper what they are told to write.

If they cannot do any of those tasks, they are promptly arrested when they cannot pay the exorbitant fine presented to them. The context of this new development is actually part of US law. It is hoped that Tom Homan, White House Executive Associate Director of Enforcement and Removal Operations (ERO) rolls this out to all states, although it is highly unlikely to happen in Democrat controlled states where undocumented illegal aliens are given driving licences.

According to federal law, commercial driving licence (CDL) holders must be able to speak and understand English.

49 CFR § 391.11(b)(2) states that a CDL driver must be able to:
Speak and read English and understand highway traffic signs and signals in English.

https://www.ecfr.gov/current/title-49/subtitle-B/chapter-III/subchapter-B/part-391/subpart-B/section-391.11

If they rolled this system out in the UK, the roads would be empty. What a wonderful dream that would be …

Give France Back the Statue of Liberty Demands French EU Politician

1

French MEP Raphaël Glucksmann is requesting The United States returns the Statue of Liberty back to France immediately. The European Union representative for France claims that The US doesn’t uphold the values it did when it was gifted the statue. We have here, mesdames et messieurs, another Beyond Satire moment.

“The US no longer represents the values for which France gave the statue to the US,” said Raphaël Glucksmann, a French member of the European Parliament, on Monday.

The Statue of Liberty is supposed to be a symbol of freedom, given in 1886 by France to the United States in celebration of American Independence from France’s greatest enemy — the British.

Between 1778 and 1782 the French provided supplies, arms and ammunition, uniforms, and, most importantly, troops and naval support to the struggling American militia. The French navy transported reinforcements, fought off a British fleet, and protected Washington’s forces in Virginia. If it were not for the French, America would still be British.

Nearby Ellis Island was the first stop for millions of immigrants to the U.S. in the late 19th and early 20th centuries.

The national monument commemorates this period of massive immigration to the United States.

Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

 

Inside the statue, a plaque added in 1903 is engraved with words from an 1883 poem by Emma Lazarus

 

The French seem to be rather forgetful about who liberated them from the Nazis in WW2. To be hectored about “freedom” from the EU is particularly ironic, especially as the soviet bloc is ruled by the EU Commission, an unelected body of officials under an undemocratic system that is suspiciously similar to the former USSR.

Market Fear Over Yet? More Squeaky Bum Time or Time to Buy the Dip?

1

Recently, there’s been a lot of talk about whether the U.S. economy is heading into a recession. Some experts are saying that the growth we’ve seen over the past two years was mostly fuelled by frivolous Biden government spending (which essentially means more debt), and now things might be slowing down as Trump tries to rearrange the financial furniture to make the economy more based on business rather than socialist debt. Is this time to panic and run, or is this time to stay calm, fill yer boots and buy the dip?

Since 1998 there have been 11 corrections (price declines >10%) in the S&P 500, with an average price decline of 14.3%.

The U.S. economy has grown a lot in the past five years, but that artificially created growth fuelled by trillions of dollars pumped into government jobs and woke socialist initiatives has basically had the rug pulled out from under it (not mentioning any names = DOGE). The last four years of Bidenomics “growth” were nothing more than a debt-fuelled mirage. The Trump admin and Fed are now more focused on reducing profligate government waste and spending, as well as lowering inflation. This could lead to lower interest rates, a weaker U.S. dollar, and a shift in investments toward bonds, international stocks, and gold.

Many had predicted a market correction back in December, and it happened quickly— minus 10% in just 20 days, the fifth-fastest correction in the last 75 years. However, this is not the start of a long-term bear market. Instead, it is a normal correction and time to buy the dip.

Some signals to look for, ChoCh: When BofA FMS cash levels rise above 5% (triggers “buy signal”) and/or rise by 60bps in 1–2 months; if March Global FMS (released Tuesday, March 18th) shows cash levels up from 3.5% to more than 4.1% would end the “sell signal” that was triggered in December for stocks, and indicate bulk of correction done (Since the BofA Global FMS Cash Rule “sell signal” triggered on Dec 17th, and since then the Mag7 -20%, Nasdaq -14%, S&P 500 -9%, ACWI -5%, EFA +6%).

Buy the dip

The S&P 500 could be a good buy around 5,300 if these signals align. However, there could still be some short-term pain in the market, especially if certain sectors, like broker-dealers, show signs of weakness. The XBD Broker-Dealer Index (which tracks financial firms) is a key indicator to watch. If it breaks below 750, it could signal deeper trouble for the market.

On the bright side, financial conditions are easing. Lower bond yields, a weaker U.S. dollar, and falling oil prices are all helping to stabilise the economy. Historically, corrections end when the “laggards” (underperforming sectors) finally crack, and the “leaders” (strong sectors) stabilise. For example, the “bro bubble” basket of stocks (which surged 55% between the U.S. election and inauguration) has already fallen 25%, which could mean the worst is behind us.

Protection while US economy adjusts to reality:

Bonds: With government spending slowing down, long-term bonds could be a good bet.
International Stocks: Stocks outside the U.S., especially in Europe and China, look cheaper and could perform well.
Gold: Gold is a good hedge against a weaker U.S. dollar or a potential trade war. Long Gold on weak US dollar, gold is the best hedge for trade wars and/or collapse in real rate. Peak “US exceptionalism” = peak US dollar; Gold best hedge against collapse in real rates driven by either 2nd wave of inflation or Fed needing to massively cut rates.

Why Not Just Wait for the Bottom?

Some investors are already jumping back into the market, hoping to “buy the dip”. But a safer strategy would be to: diversify into bonds, international stocks, and gold instead of trying to time the market perfectly.

Whatever happens, here’s to a bumpy, dangerous, yet interesting ride.

“When yo kids hungry jus’ take ’em to da sto!”

5

This is the latest advice from denizens of the African American community, fine upstanding citizens just giving good advice to all. “When yo kids hungry jus take ’em to da sto!”

The premise of the advice of course is to eat as much as you can in the store/supermarket then leave without paying a cent.

It’s okay, you may have five or ten kids, no problem. Don’t forget to dump your chips on the dirty floor before you eat them.

“This an all-you-can-eat buffet, and it’s all free.”

It’s truly great to see members of the African American community providing such sage advice to all their compatriots.

Sometimes things can go wrong, though …or right, depending on how you look at it.

Celebrity Couple ‘ARE dating’ and ‘have been together for ‘over a year’

They have been at the centre of romance rumours for over a year but have repeatedly insisted they are merely friends. The celebrity couple are truly in love, it has spectacularly been revealed.

Now the Daily Mail is reporting that a celebrity and another celebrity are not only indeed dating – but have been for ‘well over a year.’

After observing them, a source told the Mail about the celebrity couple, ‘Two celebrities are dating. This is really fascinating, newsworthy stuff worthy of a front page story.’

Read More
Celebrity smiles after celebrity’s romance ‘confirmed’

‘The celebrity couple are dating each other right now, as in at this moment in time,’ it was added.

Over the weekend, the celebrity pair were seen together in a snap shared by another celebrity, further fuelling romance rumours.

In other news, a man fell over whilst walking his dog, and a woman accidentally put some socks in the wrong drawer at home.

Commissar Reeves Announces Great News About the Shrinking UK Economy

Comrades, commissars, Labour Party hierarchy, Bolsheviks, apparatchiks, Big State civil servants, train drivers, Marxist union bosses, NHS managers, and the rest of the scum proletariat.

Commissar Reeves has today announced the wonderful news that the UK economy has continued to shrink thanks to her anti-growth policies, which are impoverishing the UK. But comrades, we all know the shrinking UK economy is all due to that capitalist swine Donald Trump. This is the Big State’s real reason for the major downturn.

URGENT COMMUNIQUÉ FROM COMMISSAR REEVES

Chocolate rations for this year will be reduced by 14.3 grams and butter rations will be halted indefinitely for all, except for Big State apparatchiks, high party Labour commissars, union and NHS bosses, and train drivers.

Net Zero zones in sectors 45,32,112 and 61 will have their electricity cut off at 3pm on Tuesday for 12 hours due to power issues. The current temperature is -6 Celsius but do not worry comrades it is anticipated to rise to -4 degrees by then. Any citizen caught trying to heat themselves with a fireplace, gas heater or wood burning stove will be arrested and charged under Net Zero regulation 634542-1a.

Commissar Reeves has hailed the state of her personal drive to decrease living standards and ruin the British economy. According to government statistics, the standard of living in the UK is now lower than Slovenia.

Comrade Reeves today outlined her 1-year-plan to bring the UK economy to the level of Zimbabwe by next year.

“I am proud to announce that the huge taxation increases, high inflation, business red tape plus tax increases, and punishing farmers and private schools with punitive measures, as well as 90% of the wealthy and affluent leaving the UK has provided dividends in ruining and contributing to the shrinking UK economy as my policies punished the private sector yet awarded vast pay rises to Marxist unions, train drivers, NHS bosses, and the Big State civil service. I look forward to ruining the economy further, so the general population will be forced to eat the bark off the trees to survive. Oh, and it’s all Donald Trump’s fault.”

INGSOC NOTICE 442900-039972-34393830110983839291119283838292920-4

ANNIE LUNGTHORPE, 12, OF 34 KARLMARX ROAD, BRIGHTON, SECTOR 87, ENGLAND, WAS TODAY AWARDED 0.0034 GRAMS OF EXTRA CHOCO RATIONS FOR REPORTING HER UNCLE, AUNTIE, BROTHER, SISTER, LOCAL BAKER AND BUDGIE FOR TUTTING DISAPPROVINGLY DURING A BROADCAST FROM COMMISSAR REEVES ABOUT THE BIG STATE INCREASE IN ALL BIG STATE TAXES FOR PROLES TO BE ENACTED NEXT WEEK. THE TREACHEROUS TRAITORS TO THE BIG STATE WERE TAKEN AWAY THIS MORNING AT 3AM. THEY WILL BE LIQUIDATED AND RECYCLED FOR SUSTAINABLE COMMISSAR MILIBAND NET ZERO PURPOSES! REMEMBER COMRADES, LOOK, LISTEN, REPORT!

 

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH