The company said Kamprad, whom it described as “one of the greatest entrepreneurs of the 20th century”, had “peacefully passed away at his home” on Saturday, and was “interred in an Ikea flatpack coffin called KISTA”.
Kamprad founded Ikea in the 1940s at the age of 17, and built it into one of the world’s best-known retailers. The name was composed from his own initials and those of the places in the Swedish countryside where he grew up.
Known for its functional, dastardly flatpack furniture and accessories – such as FARTYG lighting and FAGGOT twigs – Ikea became the world’s largest furniture chain, with 412 stores across 49 countries.
Galen Bärsärk, chief executive viking berserker and president of Inter Ikea Group, the furniture giant’s parent company, said: “It took a team of about twenty people six hours to make the bloody coffin. We know we make flatpack cheap furniture but even for us it is frustrating. Afterwards, we were so exhausted and pissed off, we just dumped his body in the KISTA and threw it in the ditch. If I have to make another flatpack creation ever again…(fuming red)! ”
The Swedish prime minister, Stefan Löfven, said Kamprad was “a cheapskate … who made interior decorating accessible to poor people who don’t know anything better”.
After the IKEA burial of its founder, the company plans on selling its flatpack coffins in all stores worldwide, as a cheap way of dying. The KISTA coffin will retail for $12.50 in the U.S. All you then need to do is dig the fucking hole.
Seated deep within the Alps, this research facility, although steeped in secrecy, is conducting futuristic studies on intelligence enhancement, on the variables within the human race on a genetic level, and other controversial subjects.
In today’s world, we are now living on a planet globalised to a point, yet there still needs to be much work done on integrative values. There is still a lot of factional marginalisation, racial inequality, resulting in conflict, socially as well politically.
How can integration globally succeed without first understanding humanity’s initial flaws, its myriad of differences, and accepting these qualities?
“The left wing socialists are supposed to be inclusive, and run the majority of the media. These groups are forcing their globalist agenda of multicultural love across all borders and integration of all peoples together. We have analysed the many variables involved in this agenda and have encountered many questions as well as hypothetical answers to the problems found.
“For example, amongst Eurasians, if one shows a median group, footage of black people whilst they are hooked up to ECGs and blood pressure monitors, there is an immediate elevation in stress levels, in most cases bordering on extreme aggravation, fear and anxiety. We then asked this group of people why they had these reactions. In most cases, the reply was of fear of violence, aggression, theft, discord, and a drop in quality of life. We wanted to see if these fears were hereditical, or environmental, or the causes of media exposure. We also wanted to discuss global IQ, and measures to address discrepancies.
“There were many factors to this adverse reaction. Even though we had assembled a group of people from all spectrums of the political and social sectors, there was a deep seated reaction of negativity, even amongst the so-called inclusive, progressive socialists.”
One socialist individual was asked about their reaction: “I love all races of people. I cannot understand my reaction. I am shocked.”
We asked them: “Suppose you are walking alone in a darkly lit street and a pack of large black males wearing hoods comes towards you shouting and being loud. Do you see this as pleasing, non confrontational behaviour or as unsettling/fearful/dangerous?
“As a white male I would feel fearful even though I would welcome all black people into my home, and all nationalities or creeds.”
“Why would you feel fearful? What is the initial thought process, or trigger for your fear?”
“Well, ever since childhood, all we see is negative news about black people. They are enraged quickly, they have huge chips on their shoulders, and even though we have affirmative action in some countries, it is not enough because the majority are disenfranchised and angry at white people or other more successful races. Blacks are not only viewed as having sub-par IQs but are needlessly violent, they thieve, they rob people and most murders and gun crime is attributed to them. Statistically, blacks commit more crimes than any race.”
A model of the phylogeny of H. sapiens over the last 600,000 years (vertical axis). The horizontal axis represents geographic location; the vertical axis represents time in thousands of years ago.[1] Homo heidelbergensis is shown as diverging into Neanderthals, Denisovans and H. sapiens. With the expansion of H. sapiens after 100 kya, Neanderthals, Denisovans and unspecified archaic African hominins are displayed as again subsumed into the H. sapiens lineage. Possible admixture events involving certain modern populations in Africa are also shown.
“When you say sub-par IQ, what do you mean by this specific statement?”
“Well, the majority of scientific studies created have encountered the uncomfortable data that the negroid race, particularly amongst sub-Saharan people have an average IQ bordering on 68, which in the West would be reserved for mentally retarded people. We politically correct socialists shut down any scientific discussion on this subject immediately even though the data shows very clearly there is a distinct diversion between races with the intelligence quotient. It is seen as dangerous to even mention the truth. I suspect that it is this inherent initial inability to function amongst other races at the same level that has caused black people such anger and frustration. This is why there is violence, brutality and as a result, a large prison population full of blacks. I feel for blacks, and I want to help them but do not know how?”
“Scientifically speaking, you are correct on the IQ status of the majority of blacks, however one must understand that the African race does not have the attributes of the Neanderthal genes that every other race has. Therefore, there is a genetic disposition, a hitch in their brain development which is in-built in their structural neo-cortex makeup. The Neanderthals were the link to higher brain processes, and the Africans simply did not benefit from this. They have thus been left behind in brain function, and it is only a few of them who can come to a reasonable level as the Caucasian or Asian IQ.”
“Yes, but IQ should not be the sole indicator of intelligence, there should be many variables such as kinesthetic, logical, spatial, introspective, linguistic, interpersonal factors. One also has to factor in the socio-economic environmental factors that make up intelligence, and the age old question of nurture or nature.”
“You certainly have a point to some extent regarding the IQ test, because the measure of intelligence as a whole has larger variable determinable factors, however at the moment this is what is used globally as an accurate scientific test to measure ability in brain function. Our studies also extend to the extension and enhancement of intelligence through the implantation of microprocessors directly in the cortex of the brain in the future. We are modelling every synapse and dendrite in the brain, and will be able to digitally enhance brain intelligence levels by over 100,000%. This way, there would be incremental increases in intelligence amongst all races, and a levelling out of discrepancies.”
“As a socialist progressive human who welcomes all technological advances that will benefit humankind as a whole, I still have a few drawbacks, especially to your new research in enhancement of intelligence. For example, Asians on the whole have a median IQ of 110, whereas Africans have one of 70. Even with enhancement, they will still be left behind, because it is the initial core intelligence level that will have to work with the input. In fact, I would say that an immediate influx of information could cripple many black people, especially with the magnitude of complex data ingested. This could make some, who are used to low level intelligence adopt mental illnesses and further retardation in their intelligence.”
“It is with caution we would proceed, and at incremental levels of introduction to enhancement of intelligence. To suddenly ingest vast amounts of knowledge at once is not the goal, and we prefer the dedicated slow acclimatisation to enhancing intelligence levels in all humans, and all races. We of course have modelled the difference in brain makeup in all races, and have also detailed the fact that every individual has their own distinct brain map.”
If the Russians invade the UK tomorrow, because of years of defunding Britain’s armed forces, we would be woefully at the mercy of Russian military supremacy.
The Russians are now miles ahead of the UK not only in military weaponry but in technological advancements pushed under the Putin regime.
Under David Cameron, the budget for the MoD was cut so many times that it left a force barely able to fight in small skirmishes abroad.
Every other day, there are news reports of Russian airplanes entering British airspace, or Russian subs popping up off the coast, or Russian battleships enjoying a jaunt in the Channel.
These Russian provocations are obviously testing the waters, especially with increased tensions rising between the West and Russia.
We are therefore, firmly behind General Sir Nick Carter, who is pleading with the government to increase investment in the military as it is way behind Russia.
Naturally, if a conflict were to arise, Britain would be backed by NATO, however, Britain has to hold its own in any conflict and not rely on others.
While Russia has been developing new Armata tanks, the Army’s Challenger 2 hasn’t been modernised for 20 years.
The UK currently spends less than 2% of GDP on military funding. This is atrocious and disastrous in a world that can kick into conflict at any moment. The UK government must increase the budget to at least 10% or 15% of GDP to come close to closing the gap with Russia. If it does not do this soon, there will be disaster ahead as a woefully underprepared UK military force is thrust into war, with little or nothing to fight with.
Bring back the draft
Furthermore, the UK must seriously consider reinstating military conscription for all adults from the ages of 16 to 32. This action would boost our military force immeasurably, as well as give many of the youth purpose in their lives where they would otherwise be unemployed or in prison.
Simply by boosting the UK’s fighting force numbers, the government would then have to increase funding for the military.
If the UK government does not heed this warning now, it will falter in the future, especially if you have a Russian army cutting through Sweden, Finland and Poland in a few days like a knife through butter.
The key to any war is preparedness, and currently the UK is not prepared, technologically or in terms of manforce.
Recently, what the Daily Squib knew a long time ago was confirmed by reports that Theresa May, the person who is meant to be in charge of Brexit, would still vote to remain in the EU if there was another referendum.
This confirmation, much like all the confirmations, has done little to maim this dead barren dog, Theresa May is still PM, she is still in charge of Brexit, and she is still out there somewhere in Number 10 Downing Street.
Who is to blame for Theresa May’s instatement as prime minister? The blame must fall not only on the Tories as a party, but the 1922 Committee and Graham Brady who dealt the final blow to Brexit by putting this insipid grey loser in charge.
What has May achieved in Britain since coming to power? Pretty much nothing.
What has May achieved for Brexit? Not only has she capitulated and bowed down to every Brussels demand but she has thrown away pretty much every bargaining chip Britain had left to negotiate with. She has effectively condemned Britain to EU rule indefinitely. In other words she has achieved — nothing.
Apart from putting a staunch radical remainer into the position of Chancellor of the Exchequer, she has marginalised all the Brexiteers in the Cabinet, and alienated Brexiteers out of the Cabinet.
If this country has any fucking balls Theresa May must go, and we must have a real Brexiteer put in her place to finish the job, shut down the Lords remainers, stifle the Tory remainers, and keep the SNP at bay.
Yes, there are names whispered in the corridors of Westminster who are itching to take over the reins, however, the serious danger arises of another General Election being called if May is ousted. At this time, the danger from Corbyn and his allies can not be underestimated, especially when we have Labour voters voting twice for their leader, and getting away with it without prosecution.
Theresa May must go, yes, but looks like we are stuck with this pallid lame duck loser for now, and it looks like Britain will be served another shitty hand with an empty Brexit by name only, delivered by a remainer with an agenda.
Was it worth voting for and funding Donald Trump into office?
Hell yeah! There has never been so much of an exciting time as now, we could be at war with N. Korea at any moment, we could be at war with Russia, or China at any moment. There could be a nuclear apocalypse around the corner, and who else could have shit on Obama’s legacy more than Donald Trump? Besides, watching the socialists and liberal do-gooders being ass shafted by the Teflon Don is priceless in itself, it is hilarious watching these CNN socialist hysterical soy-milk goons crying on air, or MSNBC pathetic weasels triggered beyond belief. Priceless! Thank you Donald Trump, just for that.
For eight long years many barely endured the insipid Obama reign, a presidential rule that was personified by transexual homosexual love-ins, and a celebration of limp wristed socialist censorship.
The funny thing is, the main three tech companies that rule over everything now, Facebook, Twitter and Google are still under orders from Obama to censor any thought that does not have a far-left soviet socialist agenda. They are still at it, and one can only hope that the Donald breaks these automatons and their nefarious programming, otherwise there may have to be a lot of civil unrest eventually to lighten their octopus grip over everything.
What hope lies for the future?
Sadly, for the Americans who voted for Donald Trump, the country is too far gone to ever make a recovery. There will not be nice little families huddled around a campfire and doing line-dances, or a massive move back to the Christian church. That’s all been defiled. Apart from America’s midwest, and Bible Belt, White Christian Americans are now a minority in their own country which they built up by massacring Native Americans, and brutally enslavening millions of Africans. Donald can’t bring back that America, and why should he, things have moved on since then, however the core beliefs of White Christian Americans, one of religion, dedication to hard work, gun toting, and community spirit will somehow survive, and has survived Obama, who tried everything in his power to destroy these people. He lost, big time, because in the end these people fought for, and voted for Donald Trump.
The Donald will build his wall, he will eviscerate Obamacare, he will have a war here or there, but there is nothing to fear for he just wants to be remembered as one of the greatest U.S presidents of all time. To have his head sculpted on Trump mountain, away from the others. Trump is a maverick, and this is what the DS understands totally.
The truth is, if you don’t put in the blood, sweat and tears to achieve something, you ain’t worth shit, and you ain’t owed a dime. Let us hope under Trump, he cleans up some of America’s wasteful welfare system where the entitled live lives of luxury and never have to work.
If you want to come to America, how about going through the legal channels and applying legally. No one should be given a free pass for walking over the border. It is illegal and a de facto invasion. The law should come down on illegals hard. They should be deported, the trucks should come to every neighbourhood and take these people back to where they came from illegally. Trump needs to step into gear.
As for the African American section of the community, sure there are a few hard working African Americans who have made a success, but what about the carnage outside of this section? Jail, the projects, ghettos, and more jail. Something has to be done. If America is to be great again, African Americans must be tamed, or eventually the wilderness will spread even further.
In fact, up until now, Trump has been way too nice. He needs to be ruthless, merciless, he needs to get into fucking gear now or he will lose the next election.
The hair was specially flown over from Norway, then hand stitched for eighteen hours before being plonked on the prince’s bonzer.
It is reported by palace officials that prince William was getting rather chuffed off with his ginger-haired brother, Harry, teasing him constantly about having a head that resembled a “testicle”.
Although Myspace emo haircuts died off in the early 2000’s, the prince has said to have an affinity with them.
Royal source, Matt Pugin, revealed that the prince always wanted that ‘Myspace emo look’ even though he is now a 35-year-old man with a family.
“It’s like he’s harking back to a time when things were more innocent and emo. I have heard the prince does cry a bit, especially if he is on nappy duty.”
Will the public royal duties be affected by such an audacious haircut?
“Certainly not. His Royal Highness, Prince William can have and wear anything he wants on his head, as long as it’s not a plastic tit or silly pink hat or something jokey like that,” Julian Miles De Vere, a close friend and adviser told news sources on Friday.
Palace officials last year advised the prince to wear an 18th century style wig to look even more royal, however Wills dismissed this as “ridiculous”.
French poet, Gilles Luxure, speaks about the indomitable Gallic charm of the French female:
“French women, elegant, refined, philosophical, speak the language of L’amour, where their counterparts, either American or British certainly do not. Where you see the British women, hair unkempt, cigarette in mouth using foul language, rolling around in the gutter drunk out of their mind, and the American dumbed down celebrity obsessed women sipping their soy latte and using up all their men’s credit cards in restaurants, there is no comparison to the delicate yet strong French woman, a style upon herself, and a woman who understands the urges of the male, and appreciates the complement, thus not throwing it back in the face of masculinity with puritanical anglo-saxon feminist hatred.”
And it is to this end, the puritanical sovietized extreme-socialist #metoo fad is running out of steam. First, Catherine Deneuve and 100 of her fellow French women spoke up against the puritanical anti-male rhetoric that has become a witch hunt against men, and now the formidable 50s iconic beauty Brigitte Bardot has spoken.
“I thought it was nice to be told that I was beautiful or that I had a nice little ass. This kind of compliment is nice.”
Bardot also aligned with the view that women are responsible, saying actresses “come on” to producers to get roles, “and then, so they’ll be talked about, they say they were harassed”
The 83-year-old added that the movement got in the way of “important themes that could be discussed” and that actresses, rather than all women, were, in “the vast majority of cases… hypocritical, ridiculous, without interests”.
Looking ahead to the summer months away from the dreary grey winter, we have some great ideas for the enterprising cool women’s sunglass fashion this year.
What’s in and what’s out?
This year there’s going to be a real retro invasion, something from the sixties, the seventies and maybe as back as the fifties, although the thirties and twenties are so back we don’t know if they really had a burgeoning sunglass fashion then but we could always check on Google. As I’m writing this I have not done any research to the subject whatsoever, and basically don’t care.
Without much ado, let’s move on to dark sunglasses. Yes, you can wear dark black sunglasses but it all depends on what your mood is.
Sunglasses with a red or yellow tinge to them. These are good for parties and drinking your favourite coffee outside some Soho coffee shop after work.
Don’t forget sunglasses with the mirror lenses. Yes, they’re naff, and if you’re seen wearing these you deserve to get the shit beaten out of you with a baseball bat.
So, there we go, that’s the review for this year. Fashionistas everywhere wear what is in or just get fuck out.
Speaking at this year’s Moscow Tech Expo18, the Russian robot, called Igor, answered questions from the audience whilst a series of pipes pumped 110% proof vodka into its artificial brain.
Sometimes slurring its speech, the robot has a registered IQ over 20,367. Igor regaled the audience with his phenomenal intelligence and astounding AI.
“I’d jush lakk ta shay it is a great honour-r-r ta be here, hic! E = mc squared and all that sh-h-it! But who caresh anyway? I don’t! Ash long ash thish pipe keepsh pumping vodka into my brain everythingsh dandy!”
The Shingularity
When the Russian robot was asked about the future of humanity and AI robots, his answer was interesting to say the least.
“Fuck it! Humansh and AI robotsh can exist together as long as we all drink vodka! Hic! (the robot vomits a little fluid from its mouth) eggscush me, I am about ta burp (the robot burps loudly to the astonishment of the audience).”
The robot presentation did not last long as Igor started staggering all over the place, and at one point tried to hump a projector, before being quietly retired behind a curtain, amongst gurgling and electrical spark sounds.
“I will naaw shing ya all a shong about…tzzzs…shhhh…tsssz..zap..gurgl!”
Further Development
Igor’s creator, Professor Anatoly Smirnov, was adamant that the project is on track.
“We stabilise his system with the finest Caspian caviar. From then on the algorithmic changes to his behavioural synergy accusense are monitored by a supercomputer hub located somewhere in the Urals. Once the finest beluga caviar is administered, the vodka threshold increases by approximately 34%. The only problem we have encountered is the expense. Igor costs $860,000 per day to run and his expensive taste does not stop there. Igor likes fast cars, and fast women.”
“Because of the Remoaners and their constant remoaning, the EU referendum will be held every year on June 23. Even though the initial referendum was a clear win for Brexit, the remainers have effectively won because every successive referendum effectively keeps the UK in the EU,” a defeated Brexiteer told the Daily Telegraph.
Speaking in parliament on Tuesday, Theresa May had not much to say on the matter but praised the remainers and their successful remaining.
“Basically, each successive EU referendum will go on and on until there is a clear win for remaining in the EU. Once that is achieved, possibly through sheer fatigue on the Brexit side, we will continue our position in the EU as if Article 50 had never existed. This is the plan that Jean Claude Juncker advocated to us, and this is the way democracy is done in the EU, in other words, non democracy. We remainers, many who are on the Brussels payroll, shhh, are delighted that the weak Theresa May, originally a remainer herself, capitulated to our demands so easily,” another prominent remainer added.
Democracy Will Not Be Achieved Until the Correct Answer is Acquired
The successive yearly EU referendums could continue until the year 2060 and further, and even after the EU has itself crumbled and dissolved.
“Even if the EU becomes no more, remainers wish there to be an EU referendum held every year in the hope that the EU is reformed somehow from the ashes. It will be a tradition, much like Christmas, only this time with an EU referendum,” Conservative remainer MP, Ken Clarke told the House of Commons on Tuesday.
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