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Doh! Millions Given to French Didn’t Stop Illegal Boat Crossings

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The MSM and Rishi Sunak are so naive that it’s truly laughable. Did anyone actually think throwing away £438 odd million of UK taxpayer’s money to the French would actually stop the illegal boat crossings coming over the Channel? As soon as the ridiculous sum was announced by Fishy Rishi we knew it was a load of old codswallop.

The French are partying with the cash as we write this, they are enjoying gourmet meals at Michelin rated restaurants and drinking the finest wines, all with the UK taxpayer’s money thrown away so complacently by Sunak and his dumb government.

The boats keep coming day after day, and the 4-star hotels are all full of young lascivious men stalking the town’s and villages looking for English girls to fuck.

There is no moral stance to any of this, and there should be no needless outrage either, it is what it is. Of course, the Sunak mess could acquire some form of hubris to actually do something like what the Squib suggested, but these timid useless idiots do not have the guts or gall to do anything of substance like towing illegal boats back to French waters; bringing out the Navy, or dumping the ECHR/ECJ which is ruling over the flaccid Brexit that never really happened.

To our French friends, you did the right thing, you took the money from the idiots and you enjoyed yourselves. Who can blame our French friends for exercising their joie de vivre? You must be commended, applauded and maybe given millions more to enjoy yourselves. Les Rosbifs, simply do not have the necessary amount of les couilles to do anything of any value.

And from there, or from here, who cares mes amis? The Fishy Rishi and his greasy hair is a stooge, a bobbing head in a swamp of merde with nowhere to go but down. Glug! He swallow da shit from the assholes of British voters, because they will now vote Labour, or cease to vote altogether.

In a year or so — nothing — as usual will have been achieved and the newly instated Labour government will bring back the EU fully into the fold, and there will be no need for boats, just ferries. Come over, anyone who wants to come board from Calais, and land at Dover, simple!

…et par ailleurs, le pape est Catholique.

Pizza Officially Recognised as a Religion

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Eating a good pizza can be a life changing spiritual experience. You know when you eat a good pizza, and it’s usually made by an Italian master pizza chef. Of course, not every pizza is made equal, and as much as you can get a wonderful delicious crispy pizza, you can also get an unholy greasy stodgy pizza. For many across the globe, the pizza is definitely classed as a religion because they can be utterly life-changing.

Indeed, many different cultures adhere to the pizza religion in different ways; for example, the Americans like deep dish pizzas with heart attack levels of cheese and grease on their pies. The Brits generally follow what the Americans do, but the Italians are true Pizza Orthodox followers and the originators of this remarkable dish.

pizza ceremony
A religious pizza ceremony takes place at the Cathedral di Pizza. Napoli, Italia, December 25, 2022

The Cathedral of Pizza is located in Naples, Italy, and here, many followers of the pizza religion flock every year to pay their respects to the Saints of Pizza and to be anointed by the Pizza Priests at the Cathedral di Pizza.

“I come here every day to pay my respects and pray to our beloved Pizza of Life, Pizza Messiah, ‘Lord Quattro Stagioni’ he made the best pizza ever made and could even cure illnesses with his pizza,” Giovanni Bertrums, from Tuscany, Italy revealed.

The Holy Quattro Stagioni pizza is preserved and encased in the Cathedral di Pizza where pilgrims flock in their thousands daily to see the religious artefact. In 2021, a man tried to steal the Holy Pizza from its casing but was thankfully arrested before he could take a bite.

According to the Pizza religion’s scriptures, followers are granted an eternity of eating their favourite pizza after they die, but only if they pass the Great Pizza Test when they get to the Pizza Gates of Heaven and adhere to the Ten Commandments of Pizza during their lives on earth.

Holy Pizza Reverend, Dante Formaggi, is today officiating a pizza ceremony to cure a man from his leprosy. The intricate ritual lasts for two and a half hours, and involves four extra large Diavola pizzas with plenty of spicy salami. After eating copious amounts of pizza, the priests listen out for the holy burp as they hold the man down, where his face is slapped five times with a pizza slice. He is then dunked head-first into a tub of marinara sauce.

“It is a miracle of pizza! The man has been cured of his leprosy. Praise the pizza saints who have granted this wonderful miracle to take place today! You have been healed of your leprosy. Before your face looked like pizza, but now you look like a man again. Praise be to the Giver of Pizza our Lord Quattro Stagione,” the reverend proclaimed before eating the last slice of pizza and burping loudly in satisfaction.

holy pizza religion cure leprosy
A man is cured of his leprosy during the Pizza religious ceremony.

Escaped Iranian Spy Could Be Cast as Next James Bond

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The Iranian spy, Daniel Khalife, who escaped from a supposed maximum security jail, could be cast as the next James Bond, producers from Eon Productions have revealed.

“I mean, his escape was exactly how James Bond would have done it. What a feat. Right under the noses of the idiots who think they are prison officers. Well, it seems the Keystone Cops have finally caught the fellow, we are still hiring, and he’s fucking hired. Forget about all those other ponces who are trying to get the job, we want real spies with balls, not effete luvvie poseurs,” Rhubarb Broccoli, Cubby Broccoli’s nephew, revealed in Film Weekly.

According to reports from the shamed HMP Wandsworth prison, the Iranian spy crafted a makeshift belt from scraps and sneaked under a food truck from the kitchens, where he hoisted himself under the vehicle as it drove straight out the prison gates.

“James Bond has been played by an Australian, Scotsman, Irishman, Englishman and now why not an Iranian?” Broccoli added.

The next eagerly awaited James Bond film will probably be another woke, humourless mess, but isn’t every film released these days. It is to be expected as the entire industry has succumbed to the Marxist woke cult that is destroying the film business from the inside.

It’s a Great Brexit, Innit? UK Ruled by EURO 6 ULEZ Standards and ECHR

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You may moan about the £12.50 ULEZ charges brought in by the crafty shister Labour mayor which will bankrupt many people and cause possible civil unrest, but first look at the source of this travesty. Yes, it’s the fucking EU, an evil soviet collectivist construct borne from the puckered anus of Soviet East Germany. The EU really took off just after the Berlin Wall fell and all the Stasi officers were recruited as EU officials. Frau Merkel, was one of the many. Brexit is only a word, staunchly under the yoke of the EU which ultimately dictates what the UK can and cannot do.

What about UK’s borders? Fishy Rishi hands over millions to Macron, so he can spend it on anything he wants, other than stopping the boats full of illegal economic migrants coming to the UK to be put up in a 4-star hotel and pampered. The UK is thus still ruled by the ECHR, and has absolutely no power to even protect its own borders. Brexit never really happened because we are effectively still controlled and dictated to by unelected bodies from the EU Soviet Politburo — the EU Commission.

Ask a European citizen to even name one member of the EU Commission, and many will not know. This is the secretive communist power of the EU, which dictates its tin-pot Stasi rules to all the poor fuckers who are living blind, unquestioning lives under the EU. It is truly a sad thing to see the previously wonderful countries of Europe now tied down to collectivist, protectionist racketeers making trillions off their serfs. Feudalism, it seems, is making a come-back.

Expect your plumber, tradesman or whatever to now add on £12.50 to every job per day. If you have a six-week building job, the extra ULEZ £12.50 per day will certainly add a hefty amount onto the price. The same goes for all commodities delivered to shops.

But that’s not all, the EU Euro 6 Standard is also a precursor to the planned pay-per-mile scheme which was first proposed by the EU and is now going to be implemented across the UK once the ULEZ cameras are all installed. By using a ruse for ‘cleaner air’ the spy cameras will track all vehicles, including electric. If you think you have it easy with an electric vehicle, you are wrong because you will be charged per mile as well.

There was never a Brexit, and it will only get worse when Labour wins the election. Not only will they go on a profligate spending spree, bankrupting Britain further, but they will pretty much increase the EU’s octopus grip over this cash cow country. That’s what the UK was to the EU — a big fat, juicy cash cow.

The Potent Bite of Juvenalian Satire: Unmasking the Daily Squib

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Satire has been a powerful tool throughout history, enabling writers and artists to critique society and its follies with humour and wit. One of the most biting and enduring forms of satire is Juvenalian satire, named after the Roman satirist Juvenal, known for its uncompromising and often harsh criticism. We shall explore the historical roots of Juvenalian satire and its enduring power, focusing on modern examples like the Daily Squib to illustrate its relevance and influence.

Juvenalian Satire: A Historical Overview

Juvenalian satire, characterised by its fierce indignation and moral outrage, traces its roots back to the works of Juvenal, who lived during the 1st and 2nd centuries AD.

Juvenal’s satires, especially his “Satires” (or “Satirae”), are quintessential examples of this form.

Through his poetry, Juvenal took aim at the decadence, corruption, and hypocrisy of Roman society, often using biting sarcasm and invective.

Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” is indeed a classic example of British satirical literature. In his essay, Swift employs biting irony and dark humour to draw attention to the dire conditions faced by the Irish under British rule. While he suggests the absurd idea of selling and eating children as a means to alleviate poverty and hunger, his true intention is not to advocate for such a horrific practice, but to shed light on the tragic realities of Irish life during that period.

Swift’s proposal serves as a stark commentary on the callousness of the British ruling class towards the suffering of the Irish population. By presenting such a shocking and morally reprehensible solution, Swift forces his readers to confront the underlying issues of colonial exploitation, poverty, and famine. His satire is a powerful tool to expose the systemic injustices faced by the Irish people.

John Wilmot, 2nd Earl of Rochester, was another prominent satirist of his time, although his style and themes differed from Swift’s. Rochester was known for his libertine lifestyle, characterised by excessive indulgence in pleasure and disregard for societal norms. His writings often took aim at conformity, rationalism, and the stifling conventions of his era.

Rochester’s satires were provocative and challenged the moral and social constraints of his time. His works celebrated individualism and freedom, often pushing the boundaries of decency and politeness. While Rochester’s writings were not as politically charged as Swift’s, they were still a form of social critique, targeting the oppressive norms and values of his society.

It is worth noting that Rochester’s lifestyle and personal excesses ultimately led to his early death at the age of 33 due to complications arising from alcoholism and venereal diseases. His life and writings exemplify the tension between individualism and societal expectations, and his works continue to be studied for their contributions to satire and libertine literature.

Despite their different approaches, both writers used satire to critique the injustices and hypocrisies of their times, leaving a lasting impact on the world of literature and social commentary.

One of the many misconceptions about satire is that it has to “funny”. This is certainly not the case with Juvenalian satire. One example of this is George Orwell’s dystopian masterpiece novel “1984”. The novel used dark humour and biting critique to expose the dangers of totalitarianism and the manipulation of truth. Through the lens of a dystopian society ruled by The Party, Orwell warns us about the erosion of individual freedoms, the suppression of truth, and the power of authoritarian regimes. If we look at Orwell’s prophetic novel today, it is almost as if the leaders and controllers of the world used his novel as a textbook. We now have extreme levels of Soviet-style hyper-sensitive political correctness, otherwise called Wokism. Cancel Culture, and intense levels of censorship where anything the state does not deem correct to its totalitarian view is labelled as “hate speech”, a catch-all term that could describe anything.

As readers, we are reminded of the importance of critical thinking, freedom of expression, and the preservation of truth in a world where these values can be easily threatened. “1984” serves as a timeless reminder that Juvenalian satire can be a potent weapon against the encroachments of tyranny and oppression, urging us to remain vigilant guardians of our liberties.

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who watches the watchers?

Juvenalian satire has since evolved but retained its core essence: a ruthless exposé of societal vices and follies. This form of satire is not meant to amuse but to provoke introspection and change, making it a potent instrument of social critique.

The Daily Squib: A Modern Juvenalian Satire

One contemporary example of Juvenalian satire is the Daily Squib, a satirical news website that serves as a scathing commentary on current events and political absurdities. Founded in 2007, the Daily Squib employs biting humour and exaggeration to lampoon politicians, celebrities, and the media.

The website’s relentless satire spares no one. It exposes the hypocrisy, incompetence, and questionable ethics of those in power. Whether it is politicians embroiled in scandals or sensationalist media coverage, the Daily Squib takes no prisoners. In doing so, it mirrors Juvenalian satire’s unapologetic approach to social critique.

juvenal daily squib anthology

The Power of Juvenalian Satire

Juvenalian satire remains a potent force because it dares to speak the uncomfortable truths society often avoids. Here are some of the ways in which it wields its power:

Exposing Hypocrisy: Juvenalian satire has the ability to unmask the hypocrisy of individuals and institutions. By exaggerating their actions and statements, it forces the audience to confront the double standards and insincerity that may pervade society.

Holding Power Accountable: Satirists like the Daily Squib play a crucial role in holding those in power accountable for their actions. Through humour and mockery, they shine a spotlight on political corruption, unethical behaviour, and abuses of authority.

Promoting Critical Thinking: Juvenalian satire encourages critical thinking by challenging conventional wisdom and questioning societal norms. It prompts audiences to reevaluate their beliefs and values, fostering a more discerning and engaged citizenry.

Venting Frustration: In a world filled with frustration and disillusionment, Juvenalian satire provides an outlet for people’s anger and discontent. It gives voice to their grievances and offers catharsis through humour and wit.

Sparking Change: Perhaps the most significant power of Juvenalian satire is its potential to bring about change. By exposing societal flaws and injustices, it can galvanise individuals and communities to take action and demand reform.

Juvenalian satire, with its uncompromising critique and fearless mockery, remains a powerful and relevant force in the realm of social commentary. From its origins in the works of Juvenal to modern incarnations like the Daily Squib, this form of satire continues to challenge societal norms, expose hypocrisy, and provoke thought.

In an age where truth and integrity are often questioned, Juvenalian satire plays a vital role in holding those in power accountable and inspiring change. It reminds us that laughter can be a potent weapon against the excesses and injustices of society, and it encourages us to look beyond the surface to uncover the uncomfortable truths lurking beneath.

Man Praises STI Dating App Hinder For Giving Him Genital Warts

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STI Dating app Hinder, which has 75 million users, has been going from strength to strength, spreading sexually transmitted infections to millions of users globally. One 23-year-old man has publicly praised Hinder for giving him Super Gonorrhoea and suppurating genital warts as large as walnuts.

The TikTok star even showed off his walnut sized genital warts before milking them of green puss into a bucket, explaining his gruelling daily regimen.

“Thanks to Hinder, I now carry this shit around like luggage. There’s no known cure, so I have to sit here every day for three hours milking my bulging genital wart walnuts. I also have acquired HIV and Herpes from using the dating app. I’m proud of my condition, and I still rarely use a condom,” J.R Hartley, 23, a milkman from Leeds, told his 35,000 TikTok fans.

Last year, over 45,000 Hinder app users died from their conditions, but such is the efficacy of these dating apps for population control that Bill Gates himself praised the app.

“I love these dating apps because they spread disease and viruses very fast, and most of the stuff is incurable. Most STIs are immune to antibiotics these days. It’s a great tool for population control, and we want more of these people to be as promiscuous as possible. Eventually, and hopefully many will expire, and it’s all down to their lifestyle dictated by these apps.”

Hinder’s CEO, Tuborg Urethra, praised his app for reducing the population.

“These idiots are so base that they pay me large amounts of their own money to effectively hinder and lower their life expectancy. Last year’s revenue alone nearly reached 40 billion dollars, and we hope to have another bumper year. Thank you fuckers, by the way, keep spreading that shit around, it’s a win-win situation for us.”

Mensa Astounded at Kanye West IQ Increase to 49

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It was only in 2013 that pop starlet, Kanye West had an IQ recorded at 48, but at a recent Mensa meeting Kanye amazed everyone by recording a 1 point rise to 49. The Kanye West IQ increase has caused ripples at Mensa.

“This is absolutely astounding that Kanye West has somehow picked up an increase of IQ by one single point since his last test in 2013,” Dr Geoff Peterson, who officiates the yearly Mensa IQ event, revealed in Mensa’s quarterly magazine.

Speaking at the event, Kanye West, also known as ‘Ye’, was celebratory at his new Intelligence Quotient rating.

“Imma tell all y’all. Yanamsayin? Todays I gots to celebrates lak a motherfucker, numsayin’? Imma go Balenciaga or summing lak dat Dolce Gabbana biotch. Amon gits me a nu hand bag n shiet, numsayin’ n nut ovah ma biotchez azz! All y’all niggas at Mensa at least you’se ain’t da jooz, dey bin causing me trouble for praisin’ Hitler n shiet. Nah I gots me an IQ of 49 I can talk to my pet hamster or mebbe a cow or goat. I feel da praise in dis room n shiet, numsayin? In my noo autotune albim n shiet gonna praise da Mensa folk, ya nah, shout out to da professors n shiet dat made dis jeenius shiet possible.”

Here’s to Kanye West and his IQ, hope it helps him have long conversations with those Frisians and hamsters.

Defiant Fishy Rishi Recalls Why He Had to Stab Boris in the Back

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“I had to stab Boris in the back because otherwise I would not have had a chance to become prime minister and take over from him. I am actually proud of the way I, Fishy Rishi stabbed my so-called friend in the back. Also, I am very proud of how I have improved the Tory Party by increasing illegal immigration, increasing poverty by increasing interest rates and taxes. If we don’t win the next election I will slap more oil into my greasy hair, I mean we have done so much to bring misery to voters, it’s a foregone conclusion that I will win the election, so I can continue to not only kill the Tory Party but this horrible anti-Indian country as well. They call me Fishy Rishi possibly because I smell of rotten fish and am a dodgy character making millions on the financial scene from insider knowledge in the government, allegedly.

“On the subject of Boris Johnson, what’s he doing now? He’s probably impregnating some slapper somewhere and writing for the Daily Mail in his pathetic column. I did the right thing and had to stab Boris in the back, I mean he cheated and attended those parties with me, which I egged him on to do. I then got the pictures published. Call me Fishy Rishi to my greasy face, though, and I might just sweat some oil into your fucking eyes, you white bastards.

“Of course, I never mention things like the massacre of 420 British men, women and children civilians by Indians at the Siege of Cawnpore in 1857. It was known as the Bibighar massacre, but thankfully the stupid British forgot that one. I’m playing these fools like a real Fishy Rishi. Haha! *Puts more oil in his hair* Yes, I use Indian cooking oil otherwise known as Ghee. It is great for that real slick Fishy Rishi look. I am a slick operator, and no one can catch me.

“What Brexit? Haha! You fucking idiotic jingoistic so-called patriotic Brits? I am ruining the Brexit that never was, and when I win the election, no one will ever mention that word again. Our plan is to rejoin the EU within a year of being elected, even though I was never elected in the first place as PM, and am basically a shoo-in. The peasants of this country are even worse than the ones back home. I am dedicated to making the lives of poor people even worse, and this is why I’m actually backing Sadiq Khan’s ULEZ scheme because we want to introduce a pay-per-mile scheme after I am elected. Cross-party politics is okay when it comes to ripping off the British people. India has gone to the moon, where has tin pot Britain gone to? Fucking scum.”

Paris Hilton Feet Could Win Election For Biden Democrats

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There’s something strange in the works for the Democrat Party and their 125-year-old leader, Joe Biden — Paris Hilton feet.

“Joe likes to sniff everything, and we need him to stop this sniffing if we are to illegally win the election again. Our secret weapon, Paris Hilton feet. We employed the celebrity to come down to the White House once a week and force Joe Biden to smell her feet. We think this tactic is working wonders, as the mastermind of all of it was Barack Obama, who is effectively Biden’s puppeteer,” a White House spokesman revealed on Saturday.

Speaking to Vogue magazine, Paris Hilton revealed the vagaries of her new job.

“They pay me $20,000 per day to take off my shoe in front of Joe. I then extend my toes under his nose, and he retches, sometimes vomiting onto the carpet. I then put my shoe back on, and they lead me out into the corridor. When the order comes in from Obama, they tell me to do the process again, sometimes three or four times in a day. This is the most meaningful job I ever had, even though I have never worked a day in my life.”

So far, the Democrats have seen some success with Joe Biden not sniffing everything.

“We brought in some pre-pubescent girls to the White House on a school trip. Usually Joe would be all over them sniffing away, telling them creepy things about not having boyfriends until they are thirty, or other creepy stuff. This time, he shuffled away. Did not even look or sniff at them. Looks like the Paris Hilton feet method is really working,” an intern revealed to Democrat Party news service MSNBC.

Givenchy is even considering replicating the smell of Paris Hilton feet in their next perfume for women called “S’en Aller”.

Obese Giraffes Stampede Encampment Killing 20 Tourists

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“I was cooking some burgers for our dinner on the fire pit when out of the darkness came a large stampede sound. Some of our tents were squashed completely, including, sadly, their inhabitants. It was those bloody obese giraffes, and this time the blighters had gone too far, we need to put them on a bloody diet again!” Tjaart Van Schalkwyk, the camp’s chef, recounted of the incident on Friday.

According to the Serengeti Times, the obese giraffes smelled the burgers from over a mile away and as they are addicted to junk food, thought it was feeding time.

“We blame the American safari tourists who come here and bring all this nasty junk food for the giraffes. We have one herd now who are all seriously obese. They cannot even mate anymore on land and have to do it in the river, where some get taken by crocs,” park ranger, Ngumu Mandingo, told reporters.

The tourist encampment near the N’gong Rocks, and the Grumeti River where holidayers paid over $4,500 per night to stay, was today in complete ruins. Many of the tents were squashed or ripped apart. One of the obese giraffes stepped on a porter’s foot during the stampede, and practically flattened it. Many tourists, mostly Americans perished in their tents, one couple having an illicit affair were in the middle of having wild sex when a giraffe tripped on a rope squashing the pair in flagrante. Later on, their spouses had to identify the bodies.

Serengeti Park chiefs are currently discussing a diet plan for the obese giraffes, and are even considering banning American tourists to the park for a while until the giraffes lose some weight.

“We had one tour where each American tourist had literally buckets of KFC, they even brought Twinkies and all sorts of junk to feed the giraffes,” a Serengeti Park spokesman revealed on Friday.