17.7 C
London
Monday, October 7, 2024
secret satire society
HomeWorldThe Greasiest Man in Town: How One Man's Oily Hair Became a...

The Greasiest Man in Town: How One Man’s Oily Hair Became a Multi-Purpose Tool

LONDON - England - Unelected PM Rishi Sunak extols the virtues of having extremely greasy, oily hair.

Meet Mr. Sunak, the country’s most important man supposedly, and also the greasiest. Mr. Sunak’s hair is so greasy that you could literally fry an egg on it, and the local kids have been known to slide across the pavement on their stomachs just by rubbing against his head.

Despite the obvious hygiene concerns, Mr. Sunak has found a way to turn his greasy hair into a multipurpose tool, using it for everything from fixing squeaky doors in parliament and Number 10 to lubricating factory machinery.

“I always knew my greasy hair was good for something,” Mr. Sunak told the Daily Telegraph. “It’s like a natural smelly greasy all-purpose lubricant!”

Mr. Sunak’s hair has become so versatile that he’s even been approached by major companies looking to use his secret formula in their products. “I can’t reveal the exact ingredients,” he said, “but let’s just say it involves a lot of burger grease and sweat.”

But Mr. Sunak’s greasy hair has also caused some unexpected problems. One time, he was attending a high-profile meeting when a gust of wind blew his hair into the face of the Chinese supreme leader Xi Jingping, causing a major diplomatic incident. And his greasy locks have been known to leave oily stains on expensive suits and furniture.

Despite these setbacks, Mr. Sunak remains proud of his greasy hair and continues to find new uses for it every day. “Who needs expensive lubricants when you’ve got a head full of disgusting smelly grease?” he said with a smirk. “My rich wife is so dry and tight, I call her the Sahara,” he added.

As for the rest of the town, they may have to invest in some heavy-duty detergent to get rid of the lingering smell of rotting burger grease and sweat. Just be careful when lighting matches around this guy, or everything will go up in flames, just like the UK’s economy.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!