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The Greasiest Man in Town: How One Man’s Oily Hair Became a Multi-Purpose Tool

LONDON - England - Unelected PM Rishi Sunak extols the virtues of having extremely greasy, oily hair.

Meet Mr. Sunak, the country’s most important man supposedly, and also the greasiest. Mr. Sunak’s hair is so greasy that you could literally fry an egg on it, and the local kids have been known to slide across the pavement on their stomachs just by rubbing against his head.

Despite the obvious hygiene concerns, Mr. Sunak has found a way to turn his greasy hair into a multipurpose tool, using it for everything from fixing squeaky doors in parliament and Number 10 to lubricating factory machinery.

“I always knew my greasy hair was good for something,” Mr. Sunak told the Daily Telegraph. “It’s like a natural smelly greasy all-purpose lubricant!”

Mr. Sunak’s hair has become so versatile that he’s even been approached by major companies looking to use his secret formula in their products. “I can’t reveal the exact ingredients,” he said, “but let’s just say it involves a lot of burger grease and sweat.”

But Mr. Sunak’s greasy hair has also caused some unexpected problems. One time, he was attending a high-profile meeting when a gust of wind blew his hair into the face of the Chinese supreme leader Xi Jingping, causing a major diplomatic incident. And his greasy locks have been known to leave oily stains on expensive suits and furniture.

Despite these setbacks, Mr. Sunak remains proud of his greasy hair and continues to find new uses for it every day. “Who needs expensive lubricants when you’ve got a head full of disgusting smelly grease?” he said with a smirk. “My rich wife is so dry and tight, I call her the Sahara,” he added.

As for the rest of the town, they may have to invest in some heavy-duty detergent to get rid of the lingering smell of rotting burger grease and sweat. Just be careful when lighting matches around this guy, or everything will go up in flames, just like the UK’s economy.

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