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Gay Man Comes Out as Olympic Diver

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In a tearful YouTube confession the gay man said that he had always fantasised about diving into Olympic pools from a great height.

“In spring this year my life changed massively when I jumped into a pool off a diving board, and that made me feel so happy, so safe and everything just feels great.”

The man was hailed for his courage by celebrities on Twitter for admitting that he liked to jump into pools from diving boards wearing nothing but a pink tutu.

“Ooh! Pools are just so gorgeous and sensual. I like nothing better than to thrash around on my designer Italian marble bathroom floor and pretend I’m in the water splish sploshing. My boyfriend has been very supportive of me and says I should go for gold, we do that every night of course, but I want to really do it in a pool and get a medal for being an Olympic diver. I had to tell everybody so I could get all that attention I crave so much.”

Swarm of Amazon Drones Spotted Over South Africa

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Amazon C.E.O Jeff Bezos was shitting kittens today.

Radar images revealed 40,000 Amazon drones carrying Christmas presents for Americans had mysteriously been diverted to Cape Town, South Africa.

Blik Mansfoort, 34, a Cape Town dock worker first heard the noise of thousands of drones coming over the water.

“My god, I was unloading a ship and I heard this really loud droning sound. Then the sky went black with these things. They were buzzing and swooping all over the place. I then got hit by twenty Christmas presents and they flew North.”

The South African Air Force was deployed at 3pm but were unable to stop the drones flying towards Botswana.

Jeff Bezos has personally apologised to the South African president, Jacob Zuma by phone.

Cameron Bows to Chinese News Calling Britain Failure

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The guys with the money have told Cameron that Britain is an old and inconsequential country fit for only tourists and students.

The British Prime Minister’s response was to bow his head lower than usual and stick his hand out in a begging motion.

The UK delegation were in China all of this week trying to drum up some business for Britain from the country that owns most of America, Europe and Africa.

A Chinese official was humoured by the British PM’s grovelling: “He came into the room and we told him that we could buy his country with 0.001% of our wealth. Then this Cameron snivelling dog bowed his head whimpering like a wounded animal. He put his hands out in a begging bowl fashion and I dropped a few coins in there. I then told him to get out of the room. He walked backwards with his head still bowed all the time whimpering and saying thank you, thank you.”

Cameron did the same thing with the Indians in February.

The triumphant British team will fly back to Britain later on today after another successful trade trip.

Murdoch Releases Video of Secret Blair Meeting

Angry Rupert Murdoch, the hack master and all prevailing owner of pretty much all media everywhere, has released a clandestine video recording of a meeting he had with ex prime minister, Tony Blair.

The grainy video reveals the animosity between the two after allegations surfaced regarding Tony Blair having it off with Murdoch’s power hungry ex-wife.

“What can I say she likes power, she moves from one player to the next. Obviously that was the only reason she was with me in the first place. I mean look at me, do you think any woman in the world would want a shrivelled old possum like me other than my money and top lizard status? Well, this Blair geezer, I treated him like a son, and look what he did to me,” an obviously bitter Murdoch told Sky news.

Here is the video. Please be aware some of the language used may offend some people.

I Found a Bulgarian Under My Sofa Today

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Rupert Denton, 45, an architect from Highgate had lost his remote control and lifted his sofa up to find the Bulgarian man staring at him.

“It was an extraordinary impasse. I told the startled man washing his feet with my designer napkin to get out from under my sofa and he spoke in some weird lingo. I am at a loss at how he got into my £2.6 million bijou moderno apartment but I bet it’s the bloody EU and their free roaming edict that did it. I immediately grabbed a broom and turfed him out of my place in no time. Turns out he mistook the underside of my sofa for Sofia the capital of Bulgaria,” Mr Denton told the BBC.

Mr Denton was set to have house hunters around that evening and really needs to sell his tiny half a bedroom £2.6 million cupboard sharpish, it certainly would have put a damper on things if a Bulgarian beggar suddenly appeared from under the sofa.

Hillary Clinton Joins Game of ‘Knockout’ Looking Ahead

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Since Mrs. Clinton left the secretary of state post in February, she and her husband have sought to mend their relationship with African-Americans, the group that was most scarred during her first bitter bid for the presidency. Five years after remarks by Mr. Clinton about Barack Obama deeply strained the Clintons’ fake bond with African-Americans, the former first family is setting out to ensure that there is no replay of such trouble in 2016 when Hillary Clinton goes for the big one.

Mrs. Clinton has thus vowed to make it her mission to somehow claw back previously lost ground with the ever growing population of African-American voters visibly sporting her support for them by wearing a hoodie during a recent talk at an African-American youth centre in Harlem.

On Tuesday she joined Knockout Game crews in New Jersey, where Mrs. Clinton showed her support to the community and even managed to knock out cold an eighty-year-old white man trying to take his shopping home.

Cleovon Trayvon, 18, who is a regular knockout star, told local news crews after the event: “Ima gon vote fo Hillary fo sho. Dat cracka bitch gotta mean ol right hook. She one of us now. Whoosh we gon put da vid up n y’all can see fo yourself, dat shit was crazy, we call her da Knockout Queen. I said, bitch take ma EBT card buy yoself a forty.”

Next week Mrs. Clinton has been invited by another group in Florida to participate in a spot of Flash Mob Robs when they go to a ‘gas station’ somewhere and clean the joint out without paying.

African-American leaders have praised Mrs. Clinton’s change from the nasty 2008 election contest when she and her former president husband, Bill, were seen to belittle Barack Obama.

Obama Looking Forward

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Addressing Americans yesterday during a televised informal chat kind of thing, the president had just pardoned a turkey from Obamacare.

“Dear Americans. You all know how I am your biggest spender. Well, since I came into office I have spent over $12 Trillion of your taxpayer money, and committed Americans to $45 Trillion of debt until 2020, so that you can feel better for it. Now that everything is okay again, I know Americans have never had it so good. I spent that money and you know what, it felt damn good spending it, hyuk, hyuk, hyuk.”

The president then stood up during his performance and looked at the camera intensely.

H.R. 2749

“I gotta tell y’all something now. Some of you may have noticed a few things, you know preparations that we been doing. Well, please don’t worry about that. You know, the billions of rounds of hollow tip ammo Homeland Security keep buying, the target practice on civilian looking targets, the FEMA civilian gun control preparations, the killer drones over American air space, the heavily armoured police vehicles we are acquiring daily and of course, the NSA net over every communication made by Americans so that we can ascertain who to hit first when the collapse comes. These are things Americans should not be worried about. You just need to carry on doing your Black Friday shit buying 97″ televisions. I somehow find it laughable that you feel the need to buy such things especially when the electricity supplies, cell phone and internet will be cut off imminently (the president then chuckles to himself).

presidential spending

“You may have also noticed how the billionaires are now building large underground shelters, and the most consummate entrepreneur, Richard Branson has absconded to his island retreat. These are very clever people, they know how things work, and they know how I work. That’s all I’m going to say to you folks, because I, the first African president of your country may be the last after February 2014. Yep, you know about that one don’t you? It’s the next debt ceiling, and if martial law is introduced, all y’all EBT gonna be gone. This time it gonna be Black Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and so on all the way up to Black Sunday. You won’t be looking for TVs though. You’ll be looking for food.”

The president’s eyes flashed in the studio lights as a wry smile came over his actor’s face. This time was he acting again or was this real?

First Look at New Nigella Lawson Cooking Show

There’s nothing better than watching Nigella Lawson suggestively eating some of her wonderful creations in a made-up kitchen in some studio somewhere.

The domestic goddess has however really excelled herself in her new cookery show where she has forsaken food altogether and plumped for some coca leaves and other chemicals.

Set in the Bolivian jungle, Nigella’s new show was not funded by Channel 4 but a prominent drug cartel.

“She’s the best cook we have. I mean, this stuff is 95% proof. In the show she’s going to show people how to make the best stuff. None of the cheap cut stuff you find on the streets, we’re talkin’ pure yeyo homes,” Ricardo Montoya, one of the lieutenants in charge of the cartel’s day-to-day business told Reuters.

If it Weren’t For Stupid People the Rich Wouldn’t be Rich

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Boris Johnson is right, we are not all equal when it comes to the brain department, after all the brain is a muscle and some are gifted genetically and some are not. There will naturally be a furore from the socialists because in their book everything is equal, this is the communist ethos. No doubt Harriet Harperson now has her sights set on blowing poor old Boris’s brains out with a well placed shot but the socialists are the ones who thrive on a dumbed down population the most. Ever heard the words ‘Education, education, education’?

The world needs dumb people. People who follow blindly without question, people who are easily persuaded, people who are only capable of doing menial jobs, people who are addicted to social networks, people who watch reality shows and participate in them. If it weren’t for these people, the rich would not be where they are now. Look at any internet entrepreneur like Zuckerberg and Twitter’s Jack Dorsey and you will see people who have harnessed the power of their brains to accommodate those below them, and make some decent bucks out of it too.

World religions thrive on stupidity because the myths they extol defy any form of logic or science. Therefore to follow these myths blindly and without question is inherently stupid. Religious leaders love stupid people, so bring ’em on, the more the merrier, cha-ching!

Simon Cowell, a self confessed stupid person has proudly announced to all that he has never read a book in his life yet he has amassed a huge fortune by dangling a carrot in front of stupid wannabees who he exploits on his shows and ridicules for profit. This shows some level of manipulation on his part therefore he’s not completely stupid but of course a complete c*nt.

The super wealthy can be stupid too, but only if it is inherited wealth. At least they can employ clever people to run things for them, and as long as they don’t do anything too stupid while pretending to be clever, they can pass as clever people to the stupid people watching.

High intelligence should rightly be respected and rewarded. Natural selection of the highest order within the confines of human society as well as the animal kingdom does prevail in a predominantly dumb society.

The internet is proof in itself that stupidity is an all encompassing problem and it is filled to the brim with stupid unintelligent nonsensical comments, but it is this very stupidity that keeps the wheels turning. Without the stupid people filling Twitter and Facebook for example, Zuckerberg and Dorsey would not be living in their mansions and have billions in the bank.

Stupidity therefore is a commodity worth mining and harnessing. Human stupidity is a very deep gold mine begging to be mined by the few miners who know where to dig.

Here at the Squib, we’re as stupid as f*ck, because we say the truth that no one wants to hear, therefore we’re so poor we can barely buy a drink down the pub. If you want the definition of stupidity, try and write the best satire on the internet (ha,ha) and get nothing for it whilst watching other mediocre fully funded mushy sites raking in serious cash by writing for the stupid. Now that’s f*cking stupid.

Boris Johnson, if you read this (doubt it very much) buy our poor satire writers a drink with that Telegraph money you make, proper satire really does not pay.

Energy Firms Say Genocide Justified For Huge Profits

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“Our target is 100,000 deaths of the elderly and poor this winter. We may even increase prices by an additional 30% on top of the 15% increases of energy prices already in place now to kill even more people. Profit is profit, and besides, if you can’t pay, tough luck, you can freeze to f*cking death,” Samuel Letvine, a CEO for one of the top energy firms, who earns £460,000 per year, told the BBC today.

Coalition government officials said this was good news for the already straining NHS.

“The crumbling NHS is struggling already with the death pathway service. We appreciate Britain’s energy firms stepping up efforts to finish off the elderly and vulnerable at a quicker pace. This in turn frees up more resources to fund more important projects like foreign aid to countries that do not need it, EU payments, as well as ministerial pay increases,” a Westminster insider revealed.