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Bulgarians and Romanians Want Jobs as MPs in Parliament

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Silas Jebko, 45, a professional Bulgarian beggar from Sofia, revealed his story to the BBC today.

“We were told there are some great low paid jobs as MPs in your country. I can’ t wait to take over from your lazy English MPs. First thing I will do is make a law to bring my whole family, all 4,870 of us.”

Gippo Fenster, a street peddler from Romania was eager to take over from House Speaker John Bercow.

“I hear his wife likes gypsies? I’m going to take his job, then his wife. My extended family of 14,000 will be encamped in the Houses of Parliament bar. First round’s on me, paid for by the taxpayer of course.”

America Had to Change

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Policy researcher Keith Blakelock, for the Global United Missionary Position think tank has outlined how America in its previous incarnation was never going to work out.

“Obama has been good for America. He has changed the nation forever, and there’s no going back to its former waste driven greed fuelled glory. Through debt, Obama will force Americans to change their wasteful ways. You see there will be no option. It will simply be survival. Now this is the stick method as opposed to the previous carrot method of unbridled capitalism and greed.

“He has not only changed the landscape of American health care where only the prosperous could be treated in previous times, but now everyone is in the same boat rich and poor. This is one of the beautiful parts of the new system. Everyone will be poor not just the poor. Socialism has had bad press in America but it’s a great system that serves the elite. You see socialism and communism are tools for a very select few people to control many, and these forms of rule were created by the elite during the late 19th century, Obama himself is part of this very select circle of engineers in modern times, and his acting skills help the cause immensely.

“Under Obama we have also seen the rise of the minority elements of the population who are supposedly championed by Obama and his tightly controlled circle. Now blacks, Hispanics and illegal immigrants are superseding the whites for the first time in America, a country that used to have very strict racial rules of ascendancy. Before, the European stock dictated every facet of culture, politics and business but those days are gone never to return again and all for the better of course.

“Obama’s championing of abortion is a vital tool in the depopulation strategy as is the championing of homosexual rights and marriage. In fact, there has been a global push for homosexuality as this will break down traditional heterosexual families further and result in less births worldwide, coupled with minor uprisings here or there, and selective outbreaks of infectious diseases, the populations can be culled further.

“As for Obama’s stance on the American penchant for toting guns, he has shown great adversity and courage in the fight against this dangerous  culture. This is by no means a strategy that is constrained to North America but the world as a whole espoused by the United Nations. By denying ordinary citizens of their much loved guns, there will eventually be peace and naturally, total control by the few. At the moment, citizens holding their own weapons are a risk to the elite because they are many, and the elite are few. President Obama, along with the esteemed Feinstein and Holder have garnered great support in the total disarmament of Americans. The final push could be soon. Maybe another event could do the trick.”

Twerk Scientists Need More Funding

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“Our budget of £56 million does not cover our research for 6 months let alone a year,” Dr. Ronald Cracarr,  told a parliamentary meeting on Friday.

The twerk research centre in central London also has labs in Kingston, Jamaica as well as Atlanta, USA.

“It is fundamental that we get more funding for the important study of the twerking phenomenon sweeping the world. Hillary Clinton who has a keen interest in twerking as well as Michelle Obama have given their support. We had Miley Cyrus in last week who gave us a three hour twerk. She was such an expert that even when exiting our lab she put her bottom on the floor and moved around dragging her buttocks like a dog does when it has worms. Now that’s something we have never seen before,” research assistant, Donald Trumpet, told the Lancet medical journal.

Fortune Teller Sees England World Cup Results

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A London based fortune teller has seen the exact result for England’s World Cup.

“Now let’s see. Italy, Uruguay and Cost Rica in Group D. I lifted the Death card and that is D right there. Then I looked in my little crystal ball, it wasn’t very pretty for England fans. Sorry to break the terrible news to you all. Add in the humidity of the jungle and you don’t have to be a fucking fortune teller like me to see the result,” Deirdre Mildred, a fortune teller from Walthamstow, East London told the Sun.

The group of jungle death might be all set in the stars for England but you never know there could be a divine intervention.

A contingent of England fans are gathering a group of druids at Stone Henge to give the England team a boost.

Matthew Tripton, 43, an electrician from Humberside has assembled 56 druids from all over England for the magical ceremony that should seal at least one goal for England.

“If we can get one piffling goal, maybe just a few dribbles here or there we’ll be happy. You know these Latin players, it’s all flair and long distance goals innit. We just use brute force and a few tactics. Where’s the likes of Vinnie Jones and that brute Irish bastard Roy Keane to chop down a few limbs when you need them?”

Nelson Mandela Visits the Great Township in the Sky

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Nelson Mandela is returning to the great township in the sky and he is hoping he will not meet that lizard P.W Botha any time soon.

Is there apartheid in heaven? It could be a whites only area, then Mr Mandela may have to go somewhere else.

Staunch South African apartheid supporters have a theory that there are two parts of heaven, one for blacks and the other part for whites.

Julius Malkompf, a white South African race leader explained the difference.

“When a South African dies if they’re black they go to a special kind of heaven. It’s very hot, with fire coming up, flames everywhere, maybe a few burning tires and lots of corrugated iron. The guards make sure the blacks do not venture out of their heaven. As for the whites, when they go to heaven it’s like the proper heaven. Let’s just say it’s similar to a gated community, you know with a golf course and swimming pool, and gorgeous blonde haired Boer women walking around in bikinis going ‘Yah, yah, yah’.  This is what we teach in our churches.”

Retirement Age Pushed to 5 Years After Death

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George Osborne, the Chancellor of the Exchequer today announced the wonderful news that the retirement age in the UK will be 5 years after your death.

But that’s not all, citizens will be taxed fully during the 5 year period after you die and those who do not pay the tax could receive heavy penalties and fines from the Inland Revenue.

“We want to be sure we get every drop of your money out of you,” Mr Osborne said grinning like a Cheshire cat.

In other news, Ed Balls popped a haemorrhoid during Osborne’s budget session and had to be rushed to the House of Commons bogs so that he could change his nappy.

Meth Math the Latest Midwest Craze

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Midwest Americans are going crazy over a new craze called ‘Meth Math’.

The craze started when an Arkansas meth head started to count how many meth rocks he could smoke in an afternoon.

“It’s called Meth Math because you add up the amount of rocks you smoke then subtract that number with the amount of hours you lose from your life then multiply that amount by the amount of teeth that fall out of your mouth divided by the square root of your next score session adding two thirds of the cost of the hit,” Albert Feinstein, the Meth Math founder told the local Arkansas Tribune newspaper. Sadly he is dead now.

Authorities are gearing up to combat the Meth Math craze sweeping the Midwest with a government funded program called Meth Algebra.

The District County Sheriff’s office headed by Kirk Hammer has been given charge of the new Meth Algebra program which will combat Meth Math with some quadratic meth equations.

“If x is one rock and y is three meth rocks divided by the circumference of xy rocks squared then multiplied by the sum total of all rocks minus the two rocks left over, what does n equal? This is the kind of question we’re asking Meth Math addicts. They get so confused that they stop the Meth Math for more than two minutes,” he revealed at a recent Meth Math drug prevention news conference.

Feminism Was Created by Men Feminists Discover

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It had to happen sooner or later. Feminists all over the world have discovered the terrible truth about their pet hobby of Feminism.

Angie Hairspout, a devout feminist writer discovered the reality about feminism whilst researching her next article on how terrible men are.

Been played all along

“I was in the British library looking through some manuscripts when I found something from the 1920s. It was written by a man and outlined a plan to create a feminist movement so that women could get out of the kitchen and contribute to the economy. You see before feminism, us women were waited on hand and foot by men who provided for us and cared for us. We didn’t have to work but this was not good for the economy. I mean how can you have one half of the population sitting idle at home? Therefore they devised a plan to make it look like we were empowered, they even gave us the vote and told us to go to work. During World War II, we really came into our own as we worked in the factories making armaments for the men getting shot at on the front. After the war ended it was plain sailing and the men in charge knew we were ready for the economy as a whole and that’s when we were given the green light to contribute to the economy. Haven’t looked back since. We’re wage slaves fuelled by the media dangling a carrot in front of us telling us we have to buy the latest consumerist ‘it’ thing. Now I was really angry, because I saw the last paragraph. It said it was imperative that women never find out the truth about the whole situation because they might want to go back to the sweet old home life again, and this was a very dangerous situation because it would mean that men would have to do all the work again. I was so angry that I went up to the male librarian and kicked him in the nut sack telling him I was going home to sew a woolly jumper you patriarchal gob shite.”

Ms Hairspout has vowed to publish the incredible discovery in her new book “Why Work When You Can Have Fun at Home”

All across the world women are discovering their womanhood again.

“I realised today that I am a woman. I have fundamental differences to men. My brain is wired differently to the male brain plus I have some great looking mammary glands and different parts down there. I demand that I go back to being a woman again and not trying to act like a man or try to be better than a man. No more working to the bone and losing my hair for me. I want to nurture my natural female motherly instinct to raise a family instead of ultimately ruining society’s family unit,” Jane Servisse, a former feminist told Cosmopolitan magazine.

Obama: “I Want You to Push Me For Martial Law”

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President Barack Hussein Obama has told CNN that he is itching to bring in martial law so he can stay in power forever.

“You know like those Middle Eastern tyrannies the U.S. meddles with, I actually admire those guys and that’s why I have censored the media so much, increased the stasi police and have anyone I don’t like taken away permanently. But, and this is a big but, it’s just not good enough, I want more, I want it all,” the jovial president said during the CNN interview.

The president then added: “During the government shutdown I was pushing those dumbass veterans for a very good reason, but they didn’t crack. I think they’re too scared. Now my flagship Obamacare website is another tactic, we all know that thing ain’t gonna be ready until 2018. How much can these idiots be pushed before they realise how much I’m laughing in their faces? C’mon fools, you ever gonna wake up?”

Obama is now hoping for the next government shutdown post February 2014 which he estimates may be the final crack in the will of the people.

“The next debt ceiling will mean EBT shutdown, social security and Medicare stopped. How about taking your money from your bank account to pay off the debt I created? Maybe the people may get the message then, although we’ll have to see,” Obama said laughing hysterically.

Boris Johnson Not as Clever as Cameron or Osborne

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Boris Johnson has been revealed to have a lesser superior intellect than Prime Minister David Cameron or Chancellor George Osborne.

Speaking under a statue of Margaret Thatcher in Whitehall, the London Mayor admitted the terrifying reality to a crew of waiting news reporters.

“I, I may know my Amo, Amas, Amats but when it comes to dealing with the media and outraged oiks I’m rather poor at that. Cammo and Georgie boy know that us Bullingdon boys only say the things we say in private but I’ve gone and said it in public, therefore I’m rather duncey to say the least when it comes to this sort of thing. Bloody media, sniffing all over the place, and when the Lefties hear about this stuff the bastards go ballistic,” the rather sheepish Mayor of London admitted.