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Free Funny Money in Stock Market Over

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Free Funny Money in Stock Market Over

Get ready to short or sell everything you have in the stock market because the days of free money are over as the Federal Reserve gets ready to stop printing billions of dollars every month.

Since 2008 the US and UK have been printing money for banking institutions and financiers who have made amazing gains but the fake economic resurgence hailed by the media was not handled cleverly enough, and some people are seeing through the smoke and mirrors.

“Of course none of the printed money filtered down to any of the ordinary people. The false economic rise is an illusion created for the masses. The world is technically still in recession and never got out of it. The only people who made any money are the banking institutions. When they taper the QE, it’s going to be like 1929 x 1000. Take a gander at the Dow chart today and overlay it over the Great Crash of 1929 chart and you will see a remarkable similarity, so my advice is start dumping now folks. This artificially created rally could never last,” Bill Steinwick, an analyst at Merrill Lynch told the Financial Times.

5 Ways to Avoid Having a Kim Jong-Un Christmas

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5 Ways to Avoid Having a Kim Jong-Un Christmas

Purging your family of annoying family members a la Kim Jong-Un can be tempting to millions of people at Christmas, our resident psychology expert, Dr. Mary Teufel has come up with five handy tips to get through the Christmas period without a single shot being fired.

1) However much you may get annoyed by some members of your family this Christmas try to smile a lot. Even forced smiles are permissible but don’t make it too obvious that it’s fake.

2) Get so bladdered on booze that you don’t give a shit about anything let alone being in the same room as some people you have nothing really in common apart from being part of the same dysfunctional family in some way.

3) Don’t go nuclear over the TV remote. Just drink more booze and soon you won’t care about what you’re watching.

4) Bring your therapist along with you, if they get into a fight, at least you will have some relief. Then have some more f*cking turkey. Just relax it will all be over soon.

5) When it’s time to open the presents try to look appreciative however crap the present is. And remember kids, Santa is not real anyway so it doesn’t matter. Chill out, have a cream soda.

Why it is Right Scatology Should be Recognised as Religion

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Why it is Right Scatology Should be Recognised as Religion

Rational thinkers everywhere have hailed the ruling by a British judge that Scatology should be classified as a religion.

“Scatologists believe that 75 million years ago, the head of the Galactic Fecalation, made up of 76 klingons, was a being named Penu. Faced with an overpopulation problem, he brought little dingleberries to this planet, blew them up with toilet cleaner, and flushed them. Their spirits now infest our bodies: “One’s body is a mass of individual klingons stuck to unruly arse hairs or to the body” Scatologists at this level try to rid themselves of these klingons (winnits) by helping each one to remember the painful experiences of being blown up like that or teased off and pulled unceremoniously from one’s arse hairs,” celebrity Scatologist Tom Cruise quoted from OK III (Operating Kretin level 3)

The same goes for all other religions which believe in the same sort of stuff and make tonnes of money off unsuspecting gullible idiots.

IDS Too Little Too Late

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IDS Too Little Too Late

Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions Secretary, has announced that he wants benefits tourists to speaka da Eenglish.

That’s why half of Eastern Europe are now swotting up on episodes of Eastenders and Jeremy Kyle.

Igor Maliocu, a professional pickpocket from Romania had this to say about the whole IDS scheme: “‘Ere would you Adam and Eve it, I ‘ad a butchers at my local linen and saw this Iain Duncan Smith heap talkin’ bangers and mash. It’s all gone a bit Nick Cotton innit? Well you’re ‘avin’ a laaf me ol’ China. When me and my Jimmies come over in January 2014, we’re gonna ‘alf inch his Nat King Cole, wevva ‘e likes it or not. All it took wuzz a couple o’ episodes o’ Eastenders and me and my Gareth Gates w-w-w-w-w-wuzz ‘avin’ a Todd. Naah, ‘e can Vincent Van Gogh, the putrefying Richard. You’se lot got me angry, I’m gonna pop out naah for a gypsy’s ‘n’ when I come back I want ma bees ‘n’ honey.”

Obama Liked Mandela Fake Signer So Much He’s Bringing Him to D.C

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Obama Liked Mandela Fake Signer So Much He’s Bringing Him to D.C

President Obama was so impressed by the fake signer at Mandela’s funeral ceremony that he is bringing him back to Washington D.C.

“Well I want him next to me every time I speak. You see as you all know everything I say is the truth, so this guy will back up my words,” Obama told some reporters from his $45,000 per night South African hotel.

From now on Obama will have two teleprompters, a fake signer, a fake birth certificate and fake social security numbers all displayed wherever he speaks. White house aides have said the podiums may get a little crowded with all the fake stuff but have bowed to pressure from the president.

Landmark U.S. Budget Deal Reached Increasing Debt

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Landmark U.S. Budget Deal Reached Increasing Debt

Republicans and Democrats were hailing the latest U.S. budget deal which will actually increase debt levels by a whopping $3 trillion.

“We’re helping ordinary Americans by increasing the debt to never before seen levels. We could have increased the debt by $6 trillion but thanks to our bipartisan brinkmanship we’ve only increased taxpayer debt by a measly $3 trillion.”

Add that new debt onto the surviving declared debt and Americans now have $21 trillion debt.

President Obama thanked Republican shill Paul Ryan for his help in increasing debt.

“This is chump change. I went through $6.8 trillion in my first term. Next budget I want an increase of $10 trillion. Give me something to work with on my pet projects,” the president said from his luxury $45,000 per night South African hotel room.

More champagne for the president.

Thousands Say They Don’t Want Cure For Dementia Proposed by David Cameron

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Thousands Say They Don’t Want Cure For Dementia Proposed by David Cameron

“I personally want to forget living in David Cameron’s Britain. Why the hell would I want to remember any of that when I get old?” Arthur Tenniselbowe, 34, an unemployed graduate from Slough told the Telegraph.

Thousands have signed on a petition to be presented at Downing Street tomorrow telling Cameron to lay off the dementia cure.

“Some things are best forgotten and I’d rather forget living in abject poverty, having to rely on pay day loans to feed myself and freezing to f*cking death in a bedsit cubicle living out of a suitcase with no prospect of getting a job. Overcrowded cities and roads, no support and food costs that make eating a luxury. Why remember that? Give me full blown dementia any day. Can’t wait.” a former legal aid barrister added.

Boris Johnson Flouting Laws in Marble Arch

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The former London Mayor, Boris Johnson is flouting the laws of the land by encamping in Marble Arch, the Evening Standard has revealed.

In a blistering attack on the former Mayor of London, the Standard called on its readers and Westminster council for action.

Local shops and businesses are outraged at Johnson foraging around waste bins, harassing shop keepers and even riding his bicycle over flower beds.

Hajmah Hussein owns a leather goods shop in nearby Oxford Street and had a few words to say about the vagrant Johnson.

“His filthy bike is decorated with bin bags full of bedding. How he rides that thing is a mystery? He came in to my shop and harassed some tourists for some spare change. He is riding an old Boris bike probably stolen from a rack somewhere. He mentioned something about Barclays and what absolute tossers they were. He chases around after the young Czech tourist ladies who have to fend the bugger off with sticks.”

Westminster City Council obtained an order evicting Boris and his friends from their makeshift camp and even paid for some to return home to Islington.

But now he’s back and council chiefs say there is very little they can do about it.

Knockout Latest: Hasidic Jews 1 Young People 694

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Knockout Latest: Hasidic Jews 1 Young People 694

Hasidic Jews are fighting back in New York City after a spate of Knockout game hits on their own kind, American news stations report.

It’s out with the violin and piano lessons and in with some serious fisticuffs.

“Whoah! Did you see that momzer go down into the shmutzik what a shtunk. Now that right hook was right on the schnoz. Here, Levi, pass me the smartphone got to take some pics to send back to my Uncle Teitlebaum in Tel Aviv,” one of a group of Hasidic Jews yelled after another clean knockout.

The game usually is one sided with only one group of the population called ‘young people’ randomly knocking innocent people in the streets out, but now some other groups are fighting back. Like don’t mess with Hasidic Jews, you’ll get something back.

“There is a chance that knockout may escalate if more people fight back from the cowardly attacks committed by certain groups of young people. They got a long way to go though because the odds are stacked against them,” Ernst Drudgenick, a social commentator told Fox news.

Alex Jones Wishing You a Prepper Christmas

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Alex Jones Wishing You a Prepper Christmas

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are nearing the end of America and the world. This is what we have been waiting for for so god damn long. I need you all to go through the check list for survival. Ammo, more ammo, lots more ammo and of course a little de-ionised water. Plus just for $49.95 you can have a tiny bottle of peace of mind and the knowledge that you will be safe from Beelzebub, or other Illuminati gods. Don’t forget to buy a box of my new Infoward Pneumatic Impulse serum, and I’ll throw in a fly swatter to keep out the DARPA robotic poison injecting devil flies from your bunker,” Alex Jones broadcast yesterday.

Here’s that checklist again:

1) Dose of fear

2) More fear and a bucket of NSA Go Away juice.

3) Shitloads of ammo

4) Anti-Illuminati serum

5) More f*cking fear

6) Aaargh!

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