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New House of Commons Lifeguard Raises Some Eyebrows

MPs at the House of Commons swimming pool were left with an eyeful as new lifeguard, Charlotte Johnson, 35, turned up to save a few right honourable gents from drowning in the pool.

“Funny old thing though, instead of saving the flailing Labour MP for Grantchesterton, this lifeguard seemed to revel in dunking the poor blighter with her massive feet. Then we saw that former London mayor chap, Livingstone in trouble at the deep end. She lovingly threw him a life vest weighed down with bricks,” an anonymous source revealed.

boris leslie lifeguard

Ms Charlotte Johnson, 36-29-38, has been quite a hit at the House of Commons pool and is now set to become an MP, stating she wants to transfer some of her delicate life saving skills to parliament.

Russian Sanctions: “All Americans Could Be Living Like the Amish Soon”

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As Obama foolishly baits the bear with sanctions, confiscations of wealth and other sundries, he’s only causing more damage and chaos to America.

“All Russia has to do is stop all uranium deliveries to America. That’s it, lights out, finished. Russia is the main controller of uranium and rare earth metals, which are crucial to running America’s power stations. Over night, literally the majority of the country would be plunged into darkness, electricity prices would sky rocket. Imagine being in a hospital about to undergo a life saving operation when all the lights go out,. People just don’t realise that what Obama is doing is playing with fire,” Herb Winters, a strategic expert told news outlets, Monday.

Looks like the Amish were right all along. This could be a good thing for Americans, because the Amish are masters of living within their means, unlike the rest of the population.

The other positive side of rolling blackouts is that Obama’s global warming agenda may be finally realised as Americans will not be using as much power any more — if at all.

Unfettered EU Immigration: Finding Some Space in Britain

Britain has a very limited land mass, and its roads, hospitals, schools and welfare system are woefully inadequate when it comes to the vast influx of people from the EU and Third World.

With the massive EU immigration into Britain there will soon be no space, and it will only get worse as time goes by.

The roads and transport systems will not cope with the sheer volume of traffic, and with little money for repair, will crumble.

Not only will there not be any space, but there will not be many jobs left, and hospitals will have to close down because of low resources. Schools will have to have class sizes in excess of 70, and the welfare system will not be able to service millions of people who are unemployed.

This is the nightmare dystopian future that lies ahead for Britain, as the unfettered immigration continues without showing any signs of stopping.

It is not racist to want to stop the torrent of economic migrants from the EU, it is simply a matter of physics.

Space is a serious point to make, because after the last green field is bulldozed and builders construct high rises over the hills and babbling brooks, it will be too late.

In twenty or thirty years time, as the millions of migrants breed and breed, there will not be any wildlife left in the former UK, all of Britain’s treasured fauna and flora will have been destroyed.

You cannot change a thousand years of glorious history in one moment.

If you value your land, you know what to do.

This was not a public service announcement but an emergency appeal and a call to action.

Michael Jackson Now More Popular Dead Than Alive

Record company bosses have come up with an amazing money making ploy that will ensure money in their overflowing coffers, even if their artists die.

“Holographic touring. If the artist dies, we don’t want music sales to waiver and slowly die off. We need to eke out every penny from these performers even when they’re dead. Not only that, we don’t have to deal with all their crap when they were alive, this is the best thing that ever happened to the biz. Michael Jackson did us a real service,” Miles Gardner, an executive of Sony records told Billboard.

Expect to see up coming holographic tours of many other dead artists in the future. The devil sure works in mysterious ways..

Ghost of Our Past: “Why Should Britain Have to Ask For Anything?”

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“Please, we would like to ask permission to adjust our own laws in our own country. Can we ask you to please give us permission to do so? We would also like to ask permission to maybe control our supposedly sovereign borders, if that’s okay with you?” the grovelling MP said before slinking into a corner cowering like a beaten mongrel.

And then, something rose up above the desk, it was a ghost from Britain’s glorious Empirical past. The commanding voice boomed out across the BBC studio shattering one of the monitors with its sheer power.

“You do not have to ask permission from anyone to do anything in your own bloody country. Do not ask permission again. Do you bloody well hear me?”

As of yet, no one from the BBC or anywhere else has been able to explain the ghostly intervention.

Think Tank: The Core of Britain is Race Concentric

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Anyone who claims that Britain’s core is not racially concentrated is deluded says a new think tank paper.

“Quite simply put, there is a very good reason why there has never been a person of dark skin tone as Prime Minister of Britain, because the core institutions within this nation follow a rigid racial lineage. The same applies to British entertainment, advertising and commerce.

“The emergence of political parties like Ukip simply mirror what the core English population believes. The socialist left may pretend to not be racial however, one only has to look at their former leaders and you will not see a dark face in sight. The Conservatives, may have a few tokens here or there as MPs, however their roots lie not only amongst class lines but racial lines. The armed forces and Intelligence services are all geared to preserving the core racial lineage and there has never been a dark person in charge, as is the case in the police services.

“As for London, which is now a multi-racial cooking pot, possibly going into a boil, if one looks at history, one will see that London has always been a magnet for the whole world to congregate, but tensions are rising daily as the English feel disenfranchised in their own capital city and White Flight occurs. Queen Elizabeth I even had a few words to say about the influx in 1596, her majesty issued an “open letter” to the Lord Mayor of London, announcing that “there are of late divers black-moores brought into this realme, of which kinde of people there are allready here to manie,” and ordering that they be deported from the country. One week later, she reiterated her “good pleasure to have those kinde of people sent out of the lande” Finally, in 1601, she complained again about the “great numbers of Negars and Blackamoors which (as she is informed) are crept into this realm,” defamed them as “infidels, having no understanding of Christ or his Gospel,” and, one last time, authorized their deportation. It is true to say therefore that London has always been a contentious part of the country for the English.

“The influx of white Eastern Europeans into the country will be congratulated by many Britons in the future, as not only are most of them white, but they are Christian and deeply racist. This is a vast difference to previous influxes of former Commonwealth populations, and of course Third World nations, who are mostly viewed as untermenschen by the core English populations.

“To have someone like Sajid Javid claim that he has passed the Tebbit test is in itself ridiculous. First of all, he may presume to be integrated and tick all the boxes, but the core English population will never see him as one of them simply because of his skin colour and his name.

“The United Kingdom is ‘ruled’ by the British Royal family, whose bloodline is linked directly to the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and House of Hanover. The point being made here is that the British royal family is Germanic and of course even though they are imports, they are still racially pure and white. Therefore, the core of Britain is racially Aryan. To have a kingdom, otherwise would be deemed as madness for the British. You cannot ever be English if you are non white, that is the core of England.”

Ed Miliband Right Man For the Job Say Tories

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Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, and this is why Ed Miliband is the gift that should be accepted by the Tories with open arms.

“It’s too late for Labour to change tact with their leadership, so Red Ed, we want you to be the Labour leader even after the coming General Election, how about the next forty years?” a Tory MP said gleefully rubbing his hands together.

Can the electoral-system save Labour from Ed Miliband, well, even the in-built advantage may crumble with this gift horse at the helm.

How Turkish Politicians Treat Their Voters

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“Well, it’s no secret that we would so, so much want to do the same in Britain, but it would sort of go against all the laws we have here in this country. Maybe we could rustle up a few changes to the law in the next parliament session,” an admiring Conservative MP for Bridleswaide, Arthur Cone, told the BBC.

The photograph of a Turkish politician kicking a downed flailing voter was shown in parliament yesterday, and the sounds of admiration emanating from the British MPs confirmed to news crews that such behaviour is truly desired and respected.

Well, come the next election, quite a lot of MPs will themselves get a good kicking, in the UK and most probably in dictatorial Turkey.

Think Tank: ‘Don’t Blame Snowden Blame Yourselves’

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“First of all, there is no one else to blame but the agencies who are collecting data from citizens irrespective of their status. Secondly, these agencies were to blame for allowing the leak to take place in the first instance. Don’t you vet your operatives? Aren’t there controls in place for your secretive work? Therefore, we come to the conclusion that the necessary precautions by the intelligence agencies were not adhered to in the proper manner, and the blame firmly falls on them,” some senior researcher revealed in a recent report.

“The blame should not be on Snowden’s shoulders for revealing that every citizen is tracked, their data logged and their private conversations recorded. If one is to analyse the current global situation, one would see that Snowden’s deed actually sped up whatever plan is in place. This makes us come to an alternative conclusion, maybe Snowden was part of the plan all along. Remember that war is a wonderful opportunity to exact plans quickly, plans that may have taken decades to come into fruition. The Hegelian Dialectic at work, wherein the chaos is engineered and out of that, a solution is unveiled. We shall have to see what is in store, but presumably it will involve an economic depression so deep that civil unrest will ensue, and people will beg with open arms for salvation from their misery — cue the solution.”

Are You Eating Halal Eggs?

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Halal eggs are used in pretty much everything from your mayo to the chocolate cake you stuffed into your salivating mouth yesterday.

“I had an omelette this morning and then whilst on the train proceeded to read my copy of the Daily Mail. To say I was horrified at what I read would be an understatement. I realised that my omelette was made from halal eggs. I immediately stuck two fingers down my throat and vomited over the person next to me on the morning commute from Oxford,” Reggie Sanders, 56, a company director, told the Evening Standard.

Halal eggs are created by chickens who lay eggs in the Islamic fashion. They are first blessed by an Imam, then they are told to submit to God whilst laying their eggs. Factory farms across the UK all have resident Islamic priests who recite the Koran to chickens before they lay their eggs. The chickens also have to face Mecca and if they refuse are sent to be slaughtered, in the halal way of course.

This begs the question, what about Easter Eggs? Well, you think they’re Christian eggs, but they’re actually halal eggs squirted ritually from the bottoms of hens and painted like Easter eggs.

Nigel Farage of Ukip has vowed to  ensure all eggs in the UK are Ukip eggs when he wins the next election, seeing as he was unceremoniously yoked by a deadly halal egg on a recent walkabout.

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