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Mandy Maleficent Waiting in Wings For Labour Election Win

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Darkness falls across the land, it is 2015, and the counting has ended. Something dark and slimy has been roused from its slumber, deep in the bowels of its luxury mansion acquired by mysterious means but don’t ask about that now, it’s too late. The evil Mandy Maleficent has been released, unleashed onto the pitiful maw of voters duped once again.

What will Britain be like with the likes of Ed Miliband, Ed Balls and Mandy Maleficent spreading their diseased socialism down your gullet whether you like it or not. To say that Britain will be like hell is an understatement, because the sulphur will burn your eyes and make you wretch every time you hear another governmental announcement about some new law that no one needs.

The streets will be teeming with chavs and neets once again, as they stick pitchforks into your wallet and beat the living crap out of you just for having a few pennies in your pocket.

Labour cronies will once again lavish themselves on extravagant trips, pork pies and taxpayer funded taxi rides to Beijing.

Taxes will increase hundredfold to accommodate the useless socialist welfare state bulging bigger everyday with the weight of immigration and laziness.

As for the deficit, when Labour is finished with its first term expect that to have trebled or quadrupled.

As you sit in the car park (any road in Britain) you will look out onto the sea of cars and trucks from all over the world, and wonder when you will get home for a much needed cuppa.

Labour will unite with the EU. This is what they do, they unite everything, as good communists do, with their collectivist dreams, they will unite everyone in poverty and pestilence.

You will all be the same. You will not have any hope, you will obey the evil doctrines and you will bloody well enjoy your assimilation because there will be no choice for you.

Look up in the sky, a winged nightmare casts its shadow over the land, as it beats its wings with vicious malevolence seeking revenge over the innocent victims of the first past the post voting system.

Ruined £1 million Tracey Emin Bed Now Worth £120

British artist Tracey Emin has lost out on a £1 million payment for her soiled bed sculpture, after someone made the bed and even changed the sheets.

Furious Emin was understandably very angry at the news: “Someone at the gallery bought new sheets, then put on new covers, and took away the used condoms. It looks like an Argos bed now. They even put in a fucking £14.99 bedside table. I just spoke to my agent and he says the new price for my conceptual art piece is £120. Wait till I find out who did it!”

The Emin bed installation sculpture was meant to be sold to art collector Missuki Mayame, from Japan later this week but now the sale has fallen through.

You Didn’t Just Take a ‘Hatie’ Did You?

What happens when millions of people around the world are all pushed to revel in a narcissistic craze called ‘selfies’ through a collective social networking thought control mechanism? Well, we get the antithesis of the selfie and that’s the hatie.

“The hatie is a new phenomenon sweeping the world, wherein the user does not constantly take selfies and share them around through social networks. It is quite the opposite. The hatie is when you go to Facebook, Instagram and all other thought control programming surveillance booths and delete your account. You then have to put your smartphone down, ideally crushing it with a sledgehammer,” Fred Lombard, one of the creators of the hatie told Tech Moon magazine.

As opposed to the shallow narcissism of the selfie, the hatie is in fact an expression of dignity, intelligence and control from mass brainwashing. The hatie is a very positive reaction to the negative nature of the selfie.

There are withdrawal symptoms to denying yourself of selfie photos every five minutes. Please be prepared, for uncontrollable shaking, which will last throughout a post-selfie abstinence period, drooling at the mouth and the eyes rolling back in the sockets whilst your arms are outstretched gasping for the iphone.

If withdrawal symptoms worsen, please consult your physician who will probably give you a smartphone for a few controlled minutes.

People can be cured of the ‘selfie’ but it takes a lot of hard work over a prolonged period of months if you are one of those who are totally brainwashed.

EU Feudal Lords: “We Are Not Scared of Peasant Revolt”

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Even though with anti-EU parties having some increases in the EU elections, there is still no change to the central agenda of the centrist EU parties which will carry on moving forward with their plans for complete integration of all the peasantry.

“The EU hierarchy, who are not elected, are even more stalwart about the EU project which has to be completed soon. We will abolish nationalism, we will abolish individualism, we will eventually abolish the ownership of private property, we will abolish the family unit, we will abolish the concept of male and female, and we will abolish elections. You, as a peasant, if you survive the next twenty years, will be chipped. Yes, your behaviour will be controlled via central command within an EU hive mind processor. There will be no physical currency, only digital. Your implants will determine whether you can buy food, shop and heat the micro home in which you have been allocated. Any form of dissent by you will be punishable first by your digital money being stopped, then you will be ousted from your home. If your behaviour persists we will simply delete you from existence. You may even end up as eco food for the masses,” an unelected EU higher echelon controller revealed today after the insignificant euro poll results were announced.

Microchipping of the populations via brain implants is well on the way and will be introduced soon enough, anyone who has read a book by Google’s chief engineer would know that.

“You will most probably be given a choice, whether to be chipped or not be chipped. Naturally the elite controllers will have specialist programming far more advanced than the peasant masses. Most people are not actually conscious now without chipping, so they will not really lose anything once we control their minds completely. People will also be able to benefit from advertising beamed straight into their central cortex with visual and auditory signals. This is the Mind Net, a proposed extension of the Inter Net, which to us is a very limited medium. With central brain chipping, it would be possible for a citizen to be working in a salt mine digging like a slave, but your brain will think you are on a magnificent holiday in the Bahamas,” an EU professor of Neurology, Dr. Alfred Mengele, told Euronews.

If one adds the increased robotization of the work force and highly advanced Artificial Intelligence, there is no actual need for the Useless Eaters. Why would the elite controllers bother with all that trouble? Feeding, clothing, keeping the useless eaters entertained so they do not revolt against their masters is becoming an increasingly difficult task for the controllers of the whole show. The good thing about the governing class is they like to publish their plans well in advance, naturally many who are asleep gloss over these announcements and carry on with their unconscious lives. How it will happen, is another matter, all it will take is a crisis of some sort, as is always the case? It is quite simple really, but in the eyes of the elite controllers, highly necessary.

Nick Clegg Wants Coalition With Ukip Now

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“We have to back the winning team, and that’s Ukip. I have set up a meeting with Farage tomorrow, just as soon as I get off the toilet bowl,” Lib Dem leader, Clegg told the BBC.

The Lib Dems have seen the writing on the wall, and are now ditching the Conservatives, much as a parasite does to its host once it has sucked it dry.

Such is the fear in Westminster that many MPs from Labour and the Conservatives have been on phone lines to Brussels all night asking what they can do about Ukip.

“The feeling is that Brussels might have to step in and speed up the Euro process. The Tories and Labour are terrified that Ukip could derail plans to enter the euro currency,” Jim Shambel, political commentator for the Bystander politics magazine wrote yesterday.

EU Sure Wishes That Plane Crash Had Done the Job on Farage in 2010

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“The unelected technocrats at the top of the pyramid, are looking with shock that the MEP elections are going towards parties that are interested in fracturing the pseudo fascistic semi soviet EU. Especially for Britain, this Ukip leader Nigel Farage, they are extremely sad that he was not erased from this world when he had that plane crash in 2010. It was an accident, of course, but it did not finish as planned. Now we have to deal with more problems, you know like people wanting to be individuals. No, this is wrong, you should all be the same, and we will not allow anyone to be an individual. Our plans for the future will require a more thorough brainwashing program for the masses where soon they will all be bleating like good sheep, the name of our super state,” an unnamed EU official told the Euronews service.

farage pub

Farage would best be avoiding single propeller aeroplanes or buses, or motorbikes, or cars, or skateboards,  or bicycles, and has vowed to tour Britain for his victory lap on a wheelchair guarded by a crack team of mercenaries.

Will there be a resurgence of free speech in a land of politically correct soviet groupthink? That remains to be seen  as the flags of freedom are waved up above the crowds of collectivists.

Desperate French Resorting to Hiring Out Versailles to Vulgar Celebrities

“We need ze money. Hollande has made merde of our économie. C’est une tragédie, yes we know but if seulement someone could get us out of this trou profond, zis is why we have to rent out the magnifique Palais de Versailles. Toute la day we weep at seeing these parasite minor celebrities and their vulgarity, it is an affront to our sensibilité,” Hortense Chevalier, who looks after the palace’s day to day running told Le Monde.

Plans are also afoot to install a fast food kiosk in Versaille’s magnificent hall of mirrors, as well as a gift shop in every room selling tacky faux gold hip hop medals, condoms, lubricant and medallions.

Sex tape model, Kim Kardashian has already requested the royal sleeping quarters have a functioning film studio, so she can stream live on the internet via pay-per-view her latest sex tape effort as she bids to conceive more paparazzi fodder with pop singer West.

In a ravaged economy, this money making exercise is what France needs, however it comes at a terrible cost — dignity.

Prince Charles Thinking of Sending Harry to Russia to Beat Up Putin

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Prince Charles is thinking of sending Prince Harry on a covert mission in an Apache helicopter to blow that Russkie commie Vlad to vodka purgatory.

“One has come under an extraordinary attack. It’s a good thing for Vlad that he doesn’t drive through Parisian tunnels, ahem. Anyway, I put forward my vodka snorting son Harry to pilot an Apache helicopter to Moscow and blow that Vladdy fool from his throne once and for all. Vlad’s a Nazi you know, and our family has never had anything to do with those sorts of people,” the Prince said whilst raising his spoon, and cracking another egg at breakfast.

Won’t the Nazis ever get along with the Nazis? This charade is like history repeating itself.

Cameron Agrees to EU Referendum

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The announcement was received with cheer across the country, and school children travelled far and wide to Downing Street to leave presents for the PM.

“Well, I’ve listened to the people and they want their voices heard. We do actually have a democracy in this country, and the people wanted a referendum, they shall have it now. The EU is incompatible with Britain, and even though I acted like a traitor and treasonous weasel before, I want the best for our nation. This is why the proposed EU referendum of 2017, which was never going to happen anyway, will in fact be put forward to June 2014. If you’ve planned your summer hols, you’d best cancel them. This one’s important,” Mr Cameron said from 10 Downing Street.

Tory polls went through the roof on the wonderful news, leaving Ukip and Labour behind. The announcement will ensure a guaranteed election win for Cameron.

Street parties will be announced all over Britain next week, and there will be an extended Bank holiday of ten days.

White Dee Takes Jade Goody’s Place

White Dee, she of Benefits Street, has officially taken Jade Goody’s place in the bucket fame stakes.

“There’s always a special place for the Jade Goodies and White Dees inhabiting the shallow faeces ridden UK celebrity circuit. It’s a place of Z list undeserved fame, inhabited by septic banal chavettes who have some quality that the public like in some way. Either way, I stand to make a lot of money from this fat sow,” Dee’s agent, Miles Dabadow, told the Sun.

Expect to see this thing plastered all over the media for a very long time. Blame Channel 4.

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