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Australian Cricketer to Get New Year Honours From Queen

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Australian fast bowler, Brett Lee is flying into Britain today after being hailed for his bowling skills and service to the world.

“Karmaline”

“I am honoured to be er..honoured by the Queen after my stupendous bowling skills were put to great effect against that lying hacking brown nosing Piers Moron fella. I hear the poms enjoyed the show so much they’re playing the clips on a permanent loop on their tellies,” Lee said from his First Class Qantas seat.

Buckingham palace has confirmed that Australian cricketer Brett Lee will receive an OBE, MBE, KBE and CBE all at the same time for his rib cracking performance.

Experts: Mass EU Immigration Will Get Rid of Benefits System Completely

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The mass immigration by some of the poorest countries in the EU and Third World is a great opportunity to dump the UK’s welfare state.

“Mass immigration is a great excuse to dump the benefits system because it gives an external source or shall we say focus to carry out something some in the government have been keen to do for a long time. It will certainly be good for those who choose to pay tax because it will mean that tax money can be utilised for more useful purposes like affording EU officials their vast expense accounts and not propping up the former British people who need benefits or health care. Either way, we won’t be blamed for the destruction of the welfare system before it was inundated by millions of very poor people from the continent and Third World,” a Whitehall source revealed Tuesday.

Imagine Children of Men and multiply it by a thousand, because that is what the UK will be like in less than two years as the rot really sets in.

The mass EU immigration deluge will be so overwhelming that many will be lost in the maelstrom of unadulterated invasion. This is another method the EU has employed in destroying whole nation states, it is a takeover where there are no shots fired, but all the same, it is part of the plan for total assimilation, and there is nothing the indigenous people can do about it.

“Welcome to the Euro currency Britain, you are one of us now. Hah, and you thought you had a chance against us, no chance,” a laughing faceless unelected EU official said on Monday.

The Daily Squib’s New Year Predictions

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As you all know last year was a terrific year with lots of things going on, you know a little bit of this and a little bit of that. It’s the same thing every year, like some people had a good year, some people had a bad year, and some people had a not so good not so bad year.

Next year will be pretty much the same, some people will have a good year, some people will have a bad year and others will have a not so good not so bad year.

How about a universal calendar where we can have a new year every second or after every million cycles or just have one continuous endless year for eternity — infinity?

Yeah, you know dump the un-scientific Gregorian for something that’s you know proper universal, none of this mumbo jumbo clap trap.

Top 10 Lists On the Internet

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Naturally, these lists are a great space filler for many sites and seem to garner a lot of user activity. We’re even thinking of just writing lists ourselves. Forget about anything else, write lists, think about some list that no one has ever written about which is of course a virtual impossibility because every conceivable subject has been written as a list somewhere on the internet(s).

1) Top 10 Smartphones to buy right now or forever be left behind in life

2) Top 10 lists that made you yawn for the 6th time that day

3) A top 10 list of movies you never thought about ever watching but somehow manage to by accident

4) Top 10 torture devices that changed the course of history not including the internet

5) Top 10 lists of lists within lists in a big venn diagram infographic list

6) A list of shopping

7) Top 10 news sites that simply write lists all day and all night long all year long

8) The top 10 list of the day featured on reddit or some other similar site getting millions of hits from people bored out of their little minds

9) Top 10 things you wish you had done but never did but may do some time in your life if you ever get the chance

10) Top 10 reasons for not bothering to read a top 10 list all the way down to 10 and you only get up to number 4 before clicking on the next bookmark

How Animals Travelled From Antarctica, Africa, South America and Australia to Get to Noah’s Ark in Middle East

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“Thanks to Noah we have all the animals, insects and birds inhabiting the earth today. If it wasn’t for species like the Flightless Cormorant travelling thousands of miles from as far as the Galápagos Islands, kangaroos from Australia, Polar Bears from Antarctica, as well as the Dodo from Mauritius, we would not have the amazing diversity of animals we have on our planet today,” a Christian archivist, Reverend Arnold Stirrup, told the BBC in a new documentary to be aired in February comprehensively reveals.

According to the biblical research carried out by the dedicated team, even though Noah was situated somewhere in the Middle East he managed to collect every species of animal on earth, from South America to Papua New Guinea to the North Pole, South East Asia, and deepest Africa.

“We all know the bible was inspired directly from god, although he didn’t somehow know that America or Australia existed because the known world in those days was simply a small area around the Mediterranean Sea. It’s kind of funny that neither the son of god (Jesus) or god himself knew that America existed, or that Australia existed considering they are all seeing universal entities, but the total flood woke Noah up and god told him to build a really big boat for all the animals. God said to put every animal and bug, including mosquitoes and stick insects, polar bears, penguins, North American yaks, moose, sloths and kangaroos into the ark. God then told Noah he wanted six pairs of each animal, with two pairs for the creepy crawlies. The animals were really grateful to Noah and behaved themselves in the boat. It did get a little choppy at times, especially when the flood waters got rough. As for the food for each animal, well, Noah got each species of animal and insect its own food supply. He somehow managed to get bamboo leaves from China for the pandas, and he built a separate feeding trough for each animal and insect, even taking time to name them, so the animals would not get confused and eat the wrong food by accident. As for the smell, you can imagine every species of animal doing their business on the floor, luckily there was a lot of straw in the ark and Noah would be sweeping and sweeping all day and all night. It was hard work for Noah, but he was doing god’s work, or was it Hollywood’s work? Ah, never mind…”

The documentary also reveals how animals crossed the Atlantic and Pacific oceans in a matter of days to reach the Middle East, so they could go on Noah’s ark so that they could be saved. It also details how Noah may have had trouble with the woodpeckers and woodworm in the boat.

All will be revealed once you watch the special Noah’s ark documentary on February 23 on BBC 6.

Kanye West IQ Registered at 48 Say Doctors

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Kanye West was showing off his Christmas present his new wife, Kim Kardashian got him at a recent end of tour photo shoot.

“Kim ya know, she got me sum shit kinda ya know, she tol’ me get ma IQ check. I say wha? Danna whatdafuq dat shit is niggas. Mabe fo’ people wit connections ya na white folk and Jooz. Ya nam sayin’ ‘n’ shit, ya nam sayin? I got to da head doc in Hollywood n sum shit, n he aks me ta sit at a desk n shit, ya num sayin? Ya na wit a pencil n shit. Da nigga wuz crazy n shit, he say I gotta write on a piece of paper n shit? I say wha muffugga you crazy n shit, ya num sayin? Anyways cut a short story long n shit, or was dat da other way roun’ n shit? I gotta ‘F’ inda test n shit. I said nigga I can buy yo whole office n shit ya num sayin’, I got Hermes bags comin’ outta ma azz n shit, num sayin? Yeezus fukkin christ nigga, I made you n shit. You betta sho me sum respec n shit. So I slammed his head inda desk n tol da bitch take his own test n shit,” Kanye West told some reporters.

After completing the IQ test Mr West was escorted out of the office on a faux gold plated wheelchair.

Gordon Brown Praises Obama For Being Just Like Him

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Former UK prime minister, Gordon Brown has praised president Barack Obama for doing the exact things he did when he was in power — turn everything into shit.

Speaking in Washington D.C the former PM was on a visit to America’s capital to visit his compatriot but was then told Obama was still in Hawaii on holiday.

“I am sorry to have missed my little friend Obama. He is America’s Gordon Brown. I taught him everything he knows about the reverse Midas touch. As you all know everything I touched turned to shit and I took Britain to the very edge of an abyss. So too is my protégé Barry Obarmy, taking America to the precipice with his crazy little socialist projects and what not. Anyway Obama I left you’se a wee lil haggis in the White House so you can enjoy it with your wife and children when you all come back. You must be having a great time in Hawaii, I hope you’re spending as much taxpayer money as you can. Oh reminds me of the good old days. Ah, memories, like a festering turd ambling down the side of a toilet bowl. Enjoy!”

Pussy Riot Girls Free to Pussy Riot Once Again

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The Pussy Rioters were freed a few hours ago and have vowed to continue Pussy Rioting in the new year.

“We are ever so pleased to have been released from our prison cells. As a Pussy Rioter we on occasion even thought about indulging in a bit of Pussy Prison Riot fun but we didn’t want our sentences extended. It ain’t worth the trouble,” one of the Pussy Riot girls said.

They have returned to the capital Moscow, where they continue to Pussy Riot with vigour.

Both Nadezhda Tolokonnikova and Masha Alyokhina, immediately donned their special Pussy Riot costumes once released from their jail cells and made their way to Red Square for a Pussy Riot Party.

It was only a few years ago when the London Daily Squib office was deliciously invaded by the British Pussy Riot contingent.

Nadezhda told waiting reporters that she was still dedicated to the art of Pussy Rioting even though the prison guards tried to beat the Pussy Riot out of her during her harrowing jail time.

Experts: Snowden Has Not Achieved Anything

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A panel of experts for an unknown agency somewhere have revealed their judgement on the errant ex-NSA operative, Edward Snowden.

“His actions may be thought of as honourable in his own mind, but that’s it. What has he achieved? Nothing. The simple fact of the matter is that he made public something that some already knew. As if anyone who gives every detail of their lives away on social networks or uses a smartphone would think for one second that they are not being monitored by worldwide agencies? These social networks were set up for that very reason and assisted by government. People are still giving all their private information away on social networks like Facebook and through all other digital avenues even after the Snowden affair, therefore nothing has changed and it won’t. The public forgets, they are too far gone and addicted to their little toys given to them to play with,” the damning report revealed.

What Snowden revealed in 2013, the Daily Squib knew in 2010.

Things would have maybe changed a little if Snowden had dared to reveal information about who really committed 911, but even then the public is so paralysed and crippled, they would accept it and simply carry on in their social network stupor.

One thing that Edward Snowden failed to realise is that there is very little that can awaken the people any more. This is why they are now in a prison virtually and in reality.

Japan Sharpening the Katana Once Again?

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Since World War II the Japanese have had their true warrior spirit stifled by the Americans. Could this be the time the Japanese samurai spirit of Bushido is coming back?

“I can see Toshiro Mifune sharpening his katana as he goes over another hill in the windswept country which was so horribly subjugated by the Americans post World War II. The Japanese were weakened and had their military forces watered down to placate their American overlords, but now as China bares its teeth at Japan, is the land of the rising sun ready to fight? Have they forgotten the art of war? Can such a small island bring back their military power once again? The taiko may once again beat from one of the most fearsome warriors anyone has met, a brutal army who crushed all in their path ruthlessly,” Jon Winchester, a military analyst revealed in this month’s edition of Jane’s Defence.

Article 9 of the Japanese Constitution must be ripped up or amended immediately if Japan is to survive. America is now a weak nation and has no say in world affairs any more. Japan must defend itself or die.

Tora, Tora, Tora!