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David Cameron Promises People Populist Policies in Many Many Years

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Britain’s PM, David Cameron, has today promised the people that he will introduce the policies that they have been asking for for years and he will listen to the people soon, very soon, in many, many years from now to be precise.

“I have been listening to the plebs, ahem I mean the public. I promise to introduce those populist policies that I keep talking about I will introduce. The next batch of promises will be in ten years time not now of course even though I have the power to implement them right now. I said I will introduce the policies the public want, so if you remember what you wanted in ten years time, you’re better than I thought, besides I won’t be around then any way so piss orf oiks,” the prime minister said from Downing Street.

The upcoming general election in 2015 is therefore in the bag for the Tories. Promises, promises..

Experts: War Makes Things Happen Faster and is Good For World

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“What takes fifty years in the political and diplomatic field can be achieved in less than five years of war. This is the true effectiveness of a good world war. One can see the effective implementation of global unity post world war two with the United Nations and NATO. The coming next war will create a truly global system ruled by one source. War also serves a very important purpose and that is to reduce populations as well as increase the effectiveness of military equipment. In peace time the military is constrained by budget cuts and inactivity, whereas in war, technology is speeded up to find new military weapons. There is an urgency in war that is unrivalled to peace time.

“To affect global change in their favour, one must also understand that wars are funded by one entity. In World War two the American bankers funded Germany as much as they did the Allies. This form of global financing is an important factor in globalisation. Of course, the populations do suffer heavy losses in global wars but amongst the elite financiers they are an accepted collateral loss for an altogether larger gain. In addition to chaos and mayhem, war creates great fear, this is what the elite controllers love the most as they feed off the collective fear of the masses and utilise that emotion to steer the herd towards the objective they choose.

In closing statements on the brief paper, there are references to past global wars and their effective conclusions in re-engineering global politics and society as a whole and bringing a New World Order.

Wall Street 2013 vs 1929

“Some historians are already claiming that the time we are living in right now is very similar to the build up of World War One, and there may be some correlation to this theory, although the present time is possibly mirroring the build up to World War Two more than the previous example. Billionaires are already dumping their stocks as we speak as they have an eye on the future and know their history very well. All ages move in a cyclical fashion, and if one studies history one will see that over the centuries there have been many cyclical events, as history repeats itself time and time again. One also must understand the fundamentals of biology to comprehend that humans have not changed their biological constitution and are still the same after thousands of years. It therefore does not matter how supposedly civilised the modern man may think he is, he is still as racist, greedy, violent, religious, bigoted, nationalistic and flawed as man thousands of years ago.

“The next war will therefore have to be an effective efficient mechanism to eradicate human conflict once and for all. Possibly by introducing mechanised weapons, to eradicate the many forms of human vice. It is possible that those who survive will be interred into a scientific technical society, where all hatred, war and previously violent human behaviour will be purged under a strict controlled population. Bio-mechanical implantation, transhumanism, sentient artificial intelligence and nano technology will dictate an altogether different experience to the previous chaotic messy overcrowded human condition responsible for much pain and heartache.”

5 Ways to Handle January 6 Officially the Most Depressing Day in the Year

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Okay, first of all back away from the razor blades, that shit is not helpful.

January 6 Aaaargh!!!!

1) Don’t read the Daily Squib. Okay, not many people read it anyway, but if you somehow come across a Squib story somewhere, just ignore it. Oh, you do that already do you? Aw shucks.

2) Don’t think about nice things like opening Christmas presents, drinking loads of booze and stuffing yourself with grub. You now have to go back to work and pay the bills…ouch.

3) Here’s a good trick…er..try and be cheery, think positive thoughts like how tax freedom day will be in August this year.

4) Don’t you dare think too much. It’s frankly depressing, just keep working…that is if you have a job.

5) Say fuck it, leave your job and go on an extended holiday forever. Just got to win the lottery first damn it.

George W Bush to Visit Al Qaeda Controlled Fallujah

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“I want to see how my Mission Accomplished thing is going,” the president said from his Texas ranch.

The former president is going to put the paint brushes down momentarily and travel first to Baghdad which has the only safe zone in the country, measuring 10 square kilometres. From there he will take a helicopter directly to Al Qaeda controlled Fallujah.

Security contractor Niles Dean from Dirtwater Military said: “We’re just going to fly over Fallujah and show Mr Bush what freedom looks like for the Iraqi people. There’s no way we can land in that place with the savages roaming.”

Since the 2003 US liberation of Iraq things sure have changed.

How to Warm Yourself During the Freezing Global Warming

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Well, you’re off to a good start, you’re reading the Daily Squib. As the global warming scientists are still stuck in the ice and the rescue ship is stuck as well, you may be getting second thoughts about that freezing global warming thing.

We don’t like to ring our own bell here at the Squib (right) but we kind of knew it was a global warming scam a while back but that’s just the thing with satire, is it true or false, did it make you think, does it look into the future? If so, then we did our job unlike the regular news which feeds you controlled propaganda day in day out.

Well, as promised, here’s how to warm yourself during the freezing global warming we’re having now.

Warm yourself with the thought that global warming was a big scam to create eco taxes. It was not created by scientists but its creation was conjured up by some society or other to make you feel bad for reproducing, for being human and polluting the world with your existence. Along with carbon taxes, huge increases in eco taxes and of course how could we forget the Al Gore film that made him a stonking $300 million, global warming was an amazing money maker. As for the suckers who fell for it, you fall for everything else so global warming was just another progression. Voting for Obama — twice. Now that’s dumb. You get what you vote for, as the saying goes.

Naturally the earth’s climate does change over millions of years, and there has been some impact from human intervention, but don’t forget, the people who made those factories and plundered the earth are the ones who want to eco tax the populace now saying it is their fault. Taxing people for natural atmospheric changes was the biggest most lucrative scam ever conducted and they pulled it off beautifully.

Knockout Game Comes to Obamacare Hospital

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The bankrupt city of Detroit was host to a knockout game deluge that hit the local hospital.

The only remaining doctors and nurses left in the hospital could only watch as a number of people tried to get their Obamacare but were told to pay an enormous deductible charge and some who thought they signed up online were told their insurance was not valid.

“I gotsa gibsme sum Obamacare. I need xray but they said I gotta pay fo dat shiet!” Aranja Johnsons, 43, a sick mother of 12 and Obama voter told MSNBC.

The knockout games committed by young people have been hitting all over the USA and this is the first time they are being played in hospitals.

Count Dracula Arrived This Morning at Victoria Bus Station From Transylvania

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The arduous journey all the way from Transylvania took three days and a positively drained Count arrived at the Central London bus garage this morning gasping for a good drink.

Count Dracula embarked from Bran castle three days ago deep in the dark Romanian countryside, over the centuries he has of course seen many changes and most of all the recent EU border restrictions have seen the blood supplies dwindle in the villages around the castle.

“They all came to the UK. I said to Igor, vat is this place that robs me of my blood supply? No more fresh virgin maids with tender necks to bite into any more. The last few months I have only been feasting on sheep and goats. The blood is rancid and tasteless compared to the human kind,” the Count said stepping off the bus.

Like most bloodsuckers, the Count immediately made his way to Marble Arch and was last seen gorging himself on some baffled American tourists.

Comrade Cameron ‘Onward EU Soldiers’

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“Comrades, EU citizens, our Soviet Fascist beloved EU masters. I wish to thank you for your strength in vanquishing the previously democratic nation of Britain. We have brought equality to all now. You are all poor, that is except for those in the higher party, but at least you proles are all the same in your misery. We are one entity, we are one soviet unit of equal EU force, and believe you me, the EU is now a force to be reckoned with ever since our total inclusion and assimilation into the supreme Marxist collective.”

At this point all assembled EU sector 4 citizens raised their right hands in salute Comrade Cameron and Brussels Square was covered in joyous song.

“Onward, EU soldiers, marching as to war,
With the communo-fascist stars going on before.
Barroso, the Marxist Master, leads against the foe;
Forward into battle see His banners go!

Onward, EU soldiers, marching as to war,
With the communo-fascist stars going on before.

At the sign of triumph freedom’s host doth flee;
On then, EU soldiers, on to slavery!
Freedom’s foundations quiver at the shout of EU tax slaves;
Comrades lift your voices, loud your prison anthems raise.

Like a mighty army moves the EU fasci rod;
Comrades, we are treading where the unelected technocrats have trod.
We are not divided, all one body we,
One in hope and doctrine, one in slavery.

What the bureaucrats established that I hold for true.
What the technocrats believèd, that I believe too.
Long as earth endureth, men the EU will hold,
Kingdoms, nations, empires, in destruction rolled.

Crowns and thrones will perish, kingdoms will wane,
But the EU Thousand year Reich constant will remain.
Open doors of freedom can never gainst that EU prison prevail;
We have Barroso’s own promise, and that cannot fail.

Onward then, ye people, join our throng,
Blend with ours your voices in the triumph euro song.
Glory, laud and honour unto Up Yours Delors the King,
This through countless ages men and angels sing.”

[EU Directive C-67321] All proles in sectors 4a, 4d, 4c-1, 4f will be granted 23 grams of extra chocolate rations for the month of January for their exemplary dedication to the EU work ethic of working without pay. A special mention goes to Lydia Dipper, 12, from sector 4d who informed EU Stasi officials that her father had committed EU Thoughtcrimes. She will receive an extra 25 grams of chocolate for two months.

Labour Politicians Welcome New Voters at UK Airports

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“We’re welcoming our votes for the coming 2015 general election. This is how Labour will win. Thank you Tories, if it wasn’t for you we would lose the election but you’ve just sealed your fate by letting them all in,” a jovial Keith Vaz told the BBC.

As well as Labour politicians lined up greeting the new arrivals were of course Unite officials who immediately enrolled the new immigrants into the union.

“Looks like it’s goodbye for the much-loved Tories in 2015. They’ve only got themselves to blame,” Mr Vaz said.

An estimated 12 million Bulgarians and Romanians are set to enter Britain in the coming weeks. That’s more than enough Labour votes to seal the deal.

People Who Follow Religions Blindly Are Happier Say Scientists

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“Our studies have concluded that people who have an unquestioning belief system have thicker brain tissue than other people who have reasoning and logical abilities. The positive part of this is that if you have thicker brain tissue you are happy in ignorance because you believe in your chosen religions and do not really think of anything else, therefore you are happy because you do not think outside of your conditioning belief system. On the other hand, those who have thinner brain tissue utilise logic, reasoning and analysis which inherently leads to depression because you see the actual picture and not some rose tinted fairy tale myth,” Dr. Lucius Condor, chief scientist on the project revealed.

Their brains were then examined to determine the thickness of parts of the cortex, or outer layer.

The study concluded that realising reality can be initially slightly depressing as opposed to those who are happily drunk in ignorance and superstition.

“We certainly do not want those people who are very happily deluded in their religious belief systems to get depressed by realising the truth. It is better for them to be happy in their religious belief systems because millions of people need these religious control systems to control their behaviour,” Dr. Condor added.

The US team studied 4,000 people aged between 18 and 74. They were asked how important religion or spirituality were to them and how often they attended religious services.