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Quelle Scandal Hollande Has Been Busy Taxing Mistress!

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Quelle Scandal Hollande Has Been Busy Taxing Mistress!

French president Francois Hollande is not content with taxing the ordinary French people and businesses within an inch of their lives, but he has been taxing his mistress too.

“It is the done thing to do. I was taxing her and taxing her like my life depended on it. And then my wifey gf found out about the taxing. Ooh la la, I felt exhausted with all the taxing, you know you eat steak, you take the special medicine so that you can tax like an animal. Taxing satisfies me, but it has a cost. C’est la vie mes amis, I think I have taxed enough I am finally sated,” Hollande said from his bed in the Elysees Palace.

Hopefully the taxing of the French people may quieten down as well, although many doubt it very much.

EU Wants Drones Monitoring Kids in UK Classrooms

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EU Wants Drones Monitoring Kids in UK Classrooms

Well, in Brussels Belgium, the very heart of the EU, this is how they treat their children.

“Soon this is what is going to happen to our classrooms as we all know if there is a new EU directive, the UK has no power to say no any more because of the lily-livered pseudo politicians we have,” Genie Holdsworth, 28, a concerned parent told the BBC.

Plans are afoot as we write this to bring the EU drones into UK classrooms.

U.S President Barack Obama who loves drones may get some ideas about this too.

Westminster Parliament Now a Local Council Building EU Orders

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Westminster Parliament Now a Local Council Building EU Orders

The Houses of Parliament have as much power as a local council in the former England and Wales a new EU directive has ordered.

“Ve haff given ze Englishers as much power as one of zere local councils. Zey can’t do much now. Zis is how ve like it,” an unelected EU eurocrat revealed today.

Westminster parliament’s former politicians were today dismayed to hear the majority will be either laid off or given little jobs like dealing with council benefits enquiries, local bin collections and of course the obligatory council salary, well below their usual pay scale.

Former prime minister, David Cameron will now be known as Councillor Dave and his chief role will be looking after the every day running of things.

“It’s a huge weight off my shoulders. I’m kind of happy about it actually. Excuse me, I’ve got a meeting to go to about sorting out the roundabouts in the area, they’re a right mess. If only my bosses in Brussels would give us a little more funding,” Cllr Dave told the local Westminster Advertiser.

Tips on Surfing the Radioactive Waves of California

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Tips on Surfing the Radioactive Waves of California

 

 

 

Here are some tips on surviving your trip.

1) Pack a Geiger counter so you can find the least radioactive part of the beach. Anything 1400% above normal levels is considered dangerous.

2) Do not rip your radioactive protection suit or you could get radiation poisoning.

3) Before you go near the beach you must take your potassium iodide pills. You won’t be able to buy any there as the authorities have stockpiled the lot.

4) Whatever you do do not eat any food purchased near the radiation zone or within a 300 km radius. Best to bring a few sandwiches with you on the plane.

5) Beware of the glowing two headed Great White Sharks, they may look pretty but they bite.

6) Forget about Pamela Anderson, she’s in a bunker right now so if you take a tumble, there will be no rescuing.

7) Building radioactive sand castles on the beaches can be equally dangerous but if you’re wearing a protective suit it should be okay.

8) Remember that there will not be anything in the news about the radioactive beaches in the U.S. so you’ll have to trust your own instincts on this one and take our advice. Spare a thought for our dear American friends who are not being told what is happening. Enjoy your holiday.

British Trayvon Mark Duggan Lawfully Shot by Police

Beppe
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British Trayvon Mark Duggan Lawfully Shot by Police

Luckily it’s not summer or the Untermenschen would be out on the streets by now. The timing of the trial was crucial because it is cold and wet in the winter limiting the mobility of any prospective trouble.

In August 2011 Mark Duggan’s lawful killing sparked three days of riots all across London.

“The weather is on our side. The subs (thugs) are too busy playing their consoles to be bothered with this lawful verdict and it’s freezing. They only go out on money day during the winter months but the summer is when they all come out to play,” a bystander at the hearing told the BBC after the verdict was declared.

Dennis Rodman Fed to Hungry Dogs on Recent Trip to N. Korea

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Dennis Rodman Fed to Hungry Dogs on Recent Trip to N. Korea

 

According to reports from North Korea’s state news network Dennis Rodman offended Kim Jong-Un by winning an impromptu game of basketball during the visit.

The mad Korean despot was unrepentant about his actions on his former friend.

Gruesome Combo Guard

“That scum seven foot oaf should have missed a few shots if he wanted to live. I had my hook shot ready on the free-throw-line, when he made a fast break came in on the base line and utilised an amoeba defence technique using the Grinnell system on my fat North Korean ass. Next thing I know he slam dunked that thing like it was my old has-been uncle’s decapitated head in a dog pit.”

The U.S. State Department was notified of the killing of Rodman yesterday and are currently trying to get further details before dispatching a doggy bag to North Korea for Rodman’s grizzly remains if there is anything left.

Benefits Street Looks Great On a 45 Inch HD 3D TV

Beppe
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Yeah, we all know Benefits Street is a stark insight into Britain’s £61 billion per year benefits bill for taxpayers but it looks great on an HD TV whilst lying back on a couch smoking a fag and drinking a can of Special Brew.

“There’s nothing better than relaxing on my sofa watching an episode of Benefits Street on my fookin’ top of the range HD TV bought by you working losers. You’se lot need to work ‘arder ya c*nts!” Larry Nesbit, 34, who has never worked a day in his life told Channel 4 news.

Hollywood Director Needs Teleprompter For Everyday Speech

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Hollywood Director Needs Teleprompter For Everyday Speech

The director who makes some of the most bland plotless films ever to reach the screen and has no cinematic talent whatsoever is a sufferer of terminal Telepromptitis which is a recognised medical condition. Other sufferers are president Barack Hussein Obama and Miss South Carolina.

Dr. Erhud Weiss described the condition on the Oprah Winfrey show: “It’s not just untalented Hollywood directors who suffer but it is a serious condition where certain people have to read lines written by other people because their brains cannot make their own sentences up. They’re basically empty shells walking around and need to be told what to do at all times.”

Michael Bay even needs a teleprompter to order a cup of coffee and has a team of four people dragging a teleprompter around wherever he goes. He also has a 15 strong team of writers on call at all times to write what the director will say next.

Morrissey Doesn’t Eat Meat Occasionally

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Morrissey Doesn’t Eat Meat Occasionally

 

 

“I don’t like to eat meat. At least that’s what I tell my special male friend,” the outspoken singer and lyrical maestro told some leftist newspaper.

Morrissey is set to attend a book signing in an abattoir in Salford, Manchester next week where he will smear freshly clotted blood from the butcher’s table onto his latest best selling novel called ‘I Don’t Eat Meat Occasionally Oh Go On Darling’.

Grillo Sisters to Star in New Cookery Show

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Grillo Sisters to Star in New Cookery Show

Now that Nigella Lawson has her own cookery show in America, the Grillo sisters who were embroiled in the Saatchi divorce, are set to enjoy their own cookery program.

“We’re going to have lots of grillo cheese, grillo fish and grillo egg. In fact everything will be grillo. Just like we grilloed Charles and Nigella. Not only will the dishes be cooked on the grillo but they will be bloody expensive too. How about the grillo mozzarella sandwich? That will cost Channel 4 £320,000. And the grilloed Halibut? That will cost Channel 4 a measly grilloed £160,000,” one of the Grillo sisters revealed.

The new Grillo Sister Grillo Cookery program will be filmed in the most expensive locations the two sisters can find.

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