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New Film 500 Years a Slave Hard to Watch Say Critics

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“12 Years a Slave is child’s play compared to 500 Years a Slave,” Gomez Fuentez, its cinematographer, speaks about the film’s most uncomfortable scenes.

“Slavery has been going on for thousands of years and it’s not just black people who were slaves as depicted in 12 Years a Slave. I mean how far do you want to go back? My film sheds some light on Roman slaves, a magnificent civilisation which was built off the back of millions of slaves for over 500 years,” the film’s director Flavius Marcelus revealed in Movie Magic magazine.

Set in the heart of the Roman republic’s heyday the story revolves around slaves in Roman households, slavery markets and slaves in gladiatorial games.

Black Hole Belches in Space Nearly Vomiting

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“It burped! Did you see that? I think it swallowed something it did not quite agree with,” professor Lee Emerick, at the California Space Observatory excitedly told colleagues during a routine check of the sky.

The massive black hole belch could give astronomers a unique window on one of the universe’s great enigmas — galactic indigestion.

Black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them, once it passes their event horizon but if they swallow something disagreeable they can get galactic food poisoning which can prove fatal for anything in its path.

“We’re still monitoring the gaseous burpage, but if that thing vomits it wouldn’t be pretty. It could blow out chunks of everything from here to Alpha Centauri,” another astronomer revealed.

Maybe some galactic Alka Seltzer is needed to save the galaxy.

Miliband Making Friends Fast

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Mr Miliband’s plans to curtail the banking sector with crude bonus caps are a sure way to lose him the upcoming election.

“If you want to get elected it is best to appease those who kind of own everything. That’s why I’ve really pissed off the bankers. You see they own everything and everyone but there I’ve gone and done it again with my militant ways. First I pissed off Google and the energy companies and now it’s the bankers. Doh! Can’t you see I’m trying to make friends in high places here,” Red Ed said from his £1.6 million Hampstead mansion.

Al Gore Disappears Into Polar Vortex Never to be Seen Again

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There is something to be said about divine intervention, and it has finally happened with global warming enthusiast Al Gore being sucked into a freezing polar vortex somewhere in the Midwest.

According to one of Gore’s assistants he was somewhere between Muskegon and Kalamazoo when the polar vortex swallowed the Democrat ex vice president into the freezing vortex. Gore was out in the wilds looking to find some evidence of global warming.

There was only one witness to the terrible tragedy, Lewis Dunce, 53, a beet farmer who watched from his shack told local news stations about the tragic vortexing accident.

“The winds were crazy wild. I saw that man, he was dressed in shorts, a Hawaiian shirt and sandals, looked like he had a sun hat on as well and sunglasses. He was walking through the snow and winds and then that was it, he just flew up into the sky with all the snow and ice. Must be that global warming huh, that sure puts the pig meat in the fire!”

China Cloning Billions More People

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You hear the shouts and wild mutterings long before reaching a large cloning complex set in rolling hills in southern China.

Feeding time produces a frenzy as the human clones strain against the railings around their pens. But this is no ordinary farm.

Run by a fast-growing company called Humaclone, this facility has become the world’s largest centre for the cloning of even more Chinese people.

The technology involved is not particularly novel – but what is new is the application of mass production.

The first shed contains 20,000 human clones in two long rows. They look perfectly normal, as one would expect, but each of them is carrying cloned embryos. Many are clones themselves.

The Chinese population has grown steadily but has tapered off in the last decade, and China needs more workers to work in the factories. There may be future viruses killing millions of people, so it’s always good to have spares.

Xian Xing Long, a technician on the farm says: “We have orders coming in every day, we make one batch, then another batch. Our goal is to increase the population of China to hit 8 billion by 2020.”

The human clones are given traditional Chinese names, fed, and clothed then shipped out all over China to start work.

“It fills me with pride to see the clones go off to work. Their DNA is structured for each type of work they are ordered to do. All for the good of Mother China. I am very proud of our achievement,” another technician on the farm revealed.

Michelle Obama Catches Barack Sexting Danish PMilf Helle Thorning-Schmidt

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Michelle Obama came back from an extended Hawaii trip only to find her husband Barack Obama sexting the beautiful blonde bombshell Danish PM.

White House aides quickly scrambled for cover as the Oval office was turned into the War office.

“Michelle had a look of fury on her face, okay nothing different there, but it was worse than usual. She picked up George W’s spittoon which he left behind and emptied the contents over Barack. Poor bastard had to take a long bath after that and he still stinks,” Ari Fleishberg, senior White House aide told the Washington Times.

Take Me to the American Amsterdam

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It’s not only millions of Americans who are making a pilgrimage to Colorado, now officially the pot capital of America, but millions of tourists could come to the U.S. state as well in search of the perfect toke session. This is America’s ticket out of major deficit debt and plans are afoot to legalise marijuana all over America.

“America is the next Amsterdam. This is a great way to have fun and get out of debt as well. Soon everyone in America is going to be stoned. You know how Jim once said ‘stoned immaculate’ wish he was around today to see this,” a dedicated stoner, Dean Ganje, 21, told local news stations.

Walking through Denver the legal marijuana shops selling their wares have popped up all over the place.

“This is a haven man..I never seen such a buzz since I took a trip to Amsterdam. We got different folk coming here, airline pilots, brain surgeons and politicians plus don’t forget all the old school stoners. You come here get stoned every day and forget about everything,” Brad Mullen, a pot shop owner told CBS news.

Most Americans are already medicated with anti-depressants so this additional drug may only add to the levels of psychosis across the country a report from a team of psychiatrists revealed recently.

“Smoking every day will bring on severe psychosis in the future. Let’s see, prescription drug use in the U.S. is pandemic, add on marijuana related psychosis and you’ve got a cocktail there for some serious psychiatric problems amongst the populations. Additionally add in the factor that large portions of the population are armed to the teeth and we got a real clusterf*ck…ah..what the hell…” a critic of the Colorado program revealed before lighting up another fat one.

Think Tank: Why Mass EU Migration Will be Good For UK

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The No Borders think tank has revealed an alternative view to the mass EU migration into the UK we are currently seeing today.

“To have a truly global world, there must not be any borders or nationalism. Migration therefore should be encouraged because it encourages diversity and mixing of human genetic DNA. To have a nation with one homogeneic genetic structure is destructive in the long run. This is why, for example the UK, which used to be staunchly nationalistic inherently racist nation, is a prime example of how populations can be altered irreversibly for the better. The EU, has done an excellent job in the destruction of the traditional English population, but from the destruction will come a new race of EU citizens, a vast melting cauldron of genetic diversity which is needed to further the EU agenda,” professor Miles Ainsworth, told the BBC.

The professor added: “Economically, the EU is a master of the UK. It has engineered a super state which has clandestinely appropriated a sea of change unrivalled in British history. As for political concepts like democracy, these are ideologies that will be phased out completely later on. There is no need for such a fake premise as democracy, as the concept never really existed in reality anyway. The EU is overt now, and as time goes by, they will restructure the UK completely. For the better, of course, because the EU includes and does not exclude. Russia will be the next target, because that has to be assimilated to propel growth to even higher levels. EU leaders must not make the same mistakes as previous attempted conquerors, like Napoleon and Hitler, no, the EU must bide its time and complete the task slowly and surely utilising economic technique as well as social technique, but once the great prize of Russia is assimilated, the EU will be untouchable globally. It will no longer be a European Union but a World Union as it spreads its wings further and further finally joining with China who hold the same values, and if the United States is still around so too will they be assimilated. Your new religion will be the EU.”

How to Frack in Your Own Back Garden

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The media keeps going on about how we’re all out of recession and the economy is flying high once again. Sure, you can believe it if you want, but the ordinary Briton is not generally feeling much joy, especially with sky high rip off energy costs. This winter you don’t have to freeze your proverbial tits off, instead follow the lead of the government and you may even make a profit.

Fracking in your back garden is an ideal opportunity to make some serious cash. There are dozens of companies selling portable fracking kits which you simply assemble a la Ikea in your garden. Do make sure you read up on geology to find out where the shale is and how far the drill will have to go.

If you frack, there will be slight changes to your pride and joy, well, you will have to say goodbye to all the grass, flowers, trees and plants. You may also get some stick from your neighbours but if you cut a deal with them, maybe they can have some of your profit, bribes go a long way in the drilling business, and if you are to succeed, you will have to learn how to bribe well.

When you’re finally fracking away, the drill will go deep vertically then horizontally. You may get some contaminated groundwater but that’s a small price to pay for huge profits. Fracking uses up vast amounts of water so be prepared for a rather large bill from your local water supplier, or alternatively if you live near a reservoir, lake or river, just extend a pipeline to that and suck it dry. Don’t forget the earthquakes, best to ignore them eh, don’t want a few earth tremors getting in the way of your prospective profits.

By the Horns of Beelzebub Twerking Flash Mob Robs Knockout Bonananza

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You know here at the Squib we like to think we’ve seen it all, but this vid really got the office roused, I mean we’ve got everything here, there’s flash mob robs, knockout games and the piece de resistance a wee lil twerking at the end to top it off.

Our assistant sub editor in chief, Albert Spears was even caught trying to go to the bogs after watching the end of the entertaining clip, and was immediately docked his overtime payment.