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New Channel 4 Reality Show — Benefits Island

Karrren Grady
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New Channel 4 Reality Show — Benefits Island

 

The first Benefits Island show will commence in 2015 when Labour wins the general election and boots the Tories out.

The format of the Channel 4 show will be along the lines of its huge hit Benefits Street but will be filmed on an island where no one pays tax, no one works or does anything.

“This is an exciting project because it won’t just be one street in the spotlight but a whole island. You’ve asked me what island we will use for the program, well, if you can’t guess that then you’re frankly a bit dim,” Benefits Island producer, Edward Millipede told the BBC.

Benefits Island will be broadcast on election result day (benefits day) on 7 May 2015.

It’s the Final Countdown for Iranian Nuclear Bomb — Three Weeks

Karrren Grady
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It’s the Final Countdown for Iranian Nuclear Bomb — Three Weeks

 

Sven Malmo, the band’s manager has revealed the pay was too good to decline, and has disclosed the amount will be in the millions for the Iranian nuclear bomb celebrations.

“We got a call from some Mullah and he said the bomb is nearly ready. They said they want us to play the Final Countdown in Tehran. We first said no way, then the Mullah guy snackbarred out a very large number. Who are we to say no to that?”

Meanwhile in Tel Aviv, Israel, people have been understandably a little edgy about the Iranians completing the nuclear missile project in as little as three weeks time.

“I’m phoning Obama every day to do something you know kvetsh, kvetsh, kvetsh, but the schmuck is too busy working on his broken website. I told him to get his act together before it’s too late but that shmendrik is stuck so far up his own tuchas no one can get through to him,” a visibly agitated Benjamin Netanyahu told the Haaretz news service.

Small Enclave of Men Still Exists But Most Have Died Off Say Experts

Karrren Grady
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1
Small Enclave of Men Still Exists But Most Have Died Off Say Experts

 

Professor Howard Bloom at the Institute for the Preservation of Blokes has come up with a report that has seen his funding increased by anonymous donors, but is he right?

“It is now considered highly irregular to be a man. Primary schools are all dominated by women, the entertainment industry is dominated by female auto tune bimbos or girlyfied ponces leaving no male role models for boys, homosexuals are now getting married and woe betide anyone who does not think that’s right, and soon all political high office will be dominated by women when Hillary Clinton tries to bag the big prize in 2017. In the UK, Theresa May may even have a chance if she gets a grip on one of Cameron’s testicles and squeezes very hard. Men are now considered perverted for even admiring the female form and are punished for any form of chivalry, honour or patriarchal decency or just being generally blokey.

“Hold a door open for most women these days and get a scowl or kick in the nads. Every part of society is now geared towards belittling men. What chance do kids have any more when just being male or acting like one is a crime? For too long now men have been ostracised, criticised and de-humanised and left with little or no rights merely to be used as sperm donors by millions of women. And if you’re in America they’ll take away your gun before you’re whisked away by the Obamacare police to be re-educated at an Obamacare education centre. We’re sitting here now with our spears waiting and watching for the right time to act,” the professor said from his office.

Life Coach Turns Around Man’s Life Before Money Runs Out and He’s Back to Square One

Karrren Grady
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Life Coach Turns Around Man’s Life Before Money Runs Out and He’s Back to Square One

 

Ed Purbiss, 43, an every day Joe in anyone’s book wanted to turn his life around but was dealt an even heavier blow when the life coach took his remaining money and even left him in serious debt.

“That’s what we do with all of them. The only one who wins with our scheme is us. We make you believe in unattainable bullshit that no one can achieve, then we fleece you for as much money as we can get, then dump you when your money runs out or you lose hope of ever achieving the unattainable. As for all the life enhancing books that are out there, the only people making s loads of money and turning around their lives are the life coaches. That just goes without saying. Cha ching!” an anonymous life coach said from his plush mansion with a Lamborghini parked in the drive.

If you have been fleeced by a Life Coach you can call the Life Coach Victim Support line on 1-800 LIFEVICTIM (Calls will be charged at $380/minute)

Jesus Photographed by Mars Rover Christians Celebrate

Karrren Grady
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Jesus Photographed by Mars Rover Christians Celebrate

 

“I knew it was true when I saw the Mars Rover Curiosity photos relayed across NASA’s screens. You know what I said, I said ‘Je-e-esus H Christ’ Dang I just couldn’t help myself, there he was right in front of the whole world,” Reverend Bilko McMorgan for the South Texas Episcopacopapal Baptist Exultation Church of the Latter Day Mormons told CBS news.

Followers in Rome’s Vatican City all lit candles at the same time and Pope Francis lined up twenty convicts to kiss and wash their feet.

Some were however slightly disappointed, as they assumed Jesus would come back to earth and not some desolate red rock in the middle of nowhere.

“When he comes back to earth then I’ll be happy in Rapture. What the hell is Jesus thinking? Maybe he gone and done a mistake or something,” Al Hertz, a window cleaner from Dumpville, Massachusetts told local stations.

EU Migrants into UK Will Get Free Petrol Says Brussels

Karrren Grady
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EU Migrants into UK Will Get Free Petrol Says Brussels

 

“It goes without saying that when EU migrants come to the UK, they should also be given free petrol to help them on their way. Remember that these migrants come from some of the poorest countries and need all the help they can get to give them a head start,” Jens Ofhalf, EU Minister of Transport told the BBC.

Already, the length and breadth of Britain, massive queues have been forming as the millions of EU migrants wait to fill their cars and vans.

Albert Rentricle, 67, a retired baker from Peckham, South London was turned away from a petrol station when trying to fill up his car initially but when he went back to the petrol station he pretended to be Romanian and received a full tank and a free air freshener for his car.

Next Week’s NSA Stock Tips

Karrren Grady
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0
Next Week’s NSA Stock Tips

 

Top NSA business analyst Larrs Utrecht, has got some great news for anyone who is in the dark about what to buy and sell at the moment.

“Let’s just say a few chosen individuals get emails in the morning about what to buy and sell. I’m going to give you guys some NSA stock tips that are guaranteed to make you a lot of money. I mean what’s the point in having a stock market if you don’t have access to all the secret company info, emails, phone calls and executive news before anyone else does? We’re listening all the time, not only in the U.S. but across the world. We know what every company director is doing, we can see everything, we know what they’re thinking, we know their plans.”

Best buys for the week

1) ALCO Buy this at $12.60 Monday first thing. I was listening to the CEO talking on the phone last week, they’ve been sitting on some great news about a new product they’re bringing out to be announced on Tuesday.

2) DELFI They struck major oil in Guatemala two weeks ago. They’re going to announce it on Tuesday. That’s why you have to fill your boots on Monday. Re-mortgage the house if you have to.

3) JLFK The board will be announcing the resignation of one of the directors who has been bad for the company. Expect a spike up, from the chatter we’re seeing it should go up to $34 by Wednesday.

Top sellers for the week

1) OPSD Three days ago I was looking through the CEOs private encrypted emails and saw something very drastic. This stock has had a great run up to $67 but on Wednesday journalists are going to publish something pretty bad. Target for this stock is $14 so get your shorts off for this one, and jump in the pool — of money you will make.

2) GKXO Currently at $124 this company is in serious trouble according to our men looking through their hard disks. Prepare to sell all the way down the cliff but make sure the sell orders occur before Thursday when they make that announcement.

Weinstein Orders Tarantino to Make New Care Bears Movie

Karrren Grady
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1
Weinstein Orders Tarantino to Make New Care Bears Movie

“I’ve had a change of heart. My films are usually associated with gun play and extreme violence and they have naturally been high grossing ventures, but you can guess what is happening and I have thus been ordered to adhere to the agenda of mass disarmament in the United States. We must therefore portray an image of non violence. From now on all Hollywood films will not have car chases, shoot outs, or any form of gun toting mayhem frankly disagreeable violent behaviour. My bosses who put me in my place have ordered this radical change and if I wish to continue making films I must tow the line. Please remember that we must disarm the American populace and my boss has three years left to accomplish his mission,” Mr Weinstein said before shooting off in his Ferrari down Mulholland Drive.

Quentin Tarantino was not available for comment but rumour has it that he has undergone a frontal lobotomy in a Beverly Hills clinic to enable him to write the script and direct the new Weinstein venture.

Speaking on CNN, anti-gun broadcaster and Brit import, Piers Moron was appreciative that Weinstein and Tarantino had finally come around to the agenda of disarming the American people.

Barack to Michelle Obama: “I Already Ate”

Karrren Grady
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Sources inside the White House say that things are a little frosty there at the moment and those unlucky enough to have received an invitation to the Michelle Obama 50th party have been advised to “watch out for a beat down or two” WOBDx2.

Michelle’s husband, Barack had this to say about the party: “Bitch, I already ate. So none of that EBYC shit works on me. Ya num sayin’?”

Renfro Balthazar, 54, a prominent D.C. businessman and Obama donor was not so eager to attend: “If Barack comes away with his balls intact after that party I’d be surprised.”

Benefits Street Residents Now All Employed in High Flying Jobs by Alan Sugar

Karrren Grady
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0
Benefits Street Residents Now All Employed in High Flying Jobs by Alan Sugar

 

The Apprentice entrepreneur Alan Sugar was so touched by the resourceful nature of the previous dregs of society that he personally visited James Turner street last week.

“You’re hired! You will now be the Financial Director of Amslop, my latest venture into ready made meals,” Sir Alan Sugar told Jimpo, 45, who is most used to rifling through bins.

Two weeks have passed since leaving Benefits Street and Jimpo is now making enormous strides already having reduced inefficiency and product waste in the company by 75%.

“Thank you Mr Sugar for your indomitable trust in our skills as innovative enterprising visionary components to your business. As you can see I have outlined a presentation inculcating our decisive elemental plans for the next five years. You will be pleased to hear that my cost analysis bar chart represents a three point attack plan for cost cutting efficiency adopting black sky thinking processes and profit enhancement ROI through aggressive marketing and cross-pollination of differential theoretical implementational executive temperance forms to maximise profit at a rate of 850% per annum,” Jimpo said from the multi-million pound company offices wearing a £15,000 bespoke Savile Row suit.

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