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Constant Tea Breaks by British Jihadis Creating Problems

 

There’s something about having a nice refreshing cuppa, especially when you’ve got some beheadings to do and the American drones are flying overhead looking for ISIS targets to vapourise.

“I’m a builder by trade, and as you know used to having a cuppa every five minutes, but looks like the Jihadis here don’t do that. They told me one cuppa in the morning and maybe one at night, that is if I’m not dead by then,” John bin Brittani, revealed in Geehads magazine recently.

News from the front travels fast on twitter, and Jihadi commanders have been seen tearing their beards out at the quality of the British jihadis.

“We had one bloke from Salford, Manchester, this geezer said he needed a cup of brew every twenty minutes. He even took his flask with him on operations. I said to him, ‘ere mate, we’re getting shot at, put the flask away. He just wouldn’t have it would he, next thing I know, he’s got his tea and crumpets out with a big grin on his face. Poor fella didn’t make it past his first day, we found him with a cup of piping Earl Grey under a tree and a bullet in him,” Commander of the Al Britanni Brigade, revealed on a recent BBC Newsnight special.

Think Tank: New World Order Can Only Occur From External Planetary Threat

 

“Generational nationalism and religion are the causes of most of the world’s problems. Nationalism was utilised by leaders in the past to gain strategic ground, however if globalisation is to occur, there must be an abrogation of all nationalism and organised religion.

“Unfortunately the world’s population is still entrenched in petty squabbles about such things as race, territory and religious ideology. The human animal is naturally a territorial beast much like any, but these human qualities are the ones that may lead to its ultimate downfall. Territorial disputes over limited finite resources within a rapidly expanding human population are another major cause for concern as they create disharmony and war.

“If the global community is to transcend these historical biological human pitfalls, there may have to be an ultimate external threat that will render all of humanity’s differences void.

“One major point however that may have to be addressed by the global elite, is the natural order of nature, where the globalists fail, is in their urgency to declare all humans as equal, when in reality there are major biological genetic differences in races, not only in intelligence levels, but through selective breeding through the centuries, especially within the governing classes.

“The essence of the coming technical jump through artificial intelligence may address some of the biological predicaments that have befallen human existence, however there may yet have to be an extra push towards globalisation, and a threat from elsewhere in the universe may be the only way.

“Humans are cyclical creatures revisiting the same patterns over and over again. Some cycles of behaviour may be encased in larger cycles and others are short term cycles within a small period of time.

“Linguistically, the natural progression has been towards the English language, therefore the global New World Order language will supersede all others, and in time the rest will fade away. The English language itself could transmute into an altogether more concise efficient form of communication where the vocabulary for the globalised world would be stripped and simplified even further.

“One way or another, the singular world system will be revealed within the next decade.”

Farewell Joan Rivers You Will be Missed by Liberals Everywhere

 

“We don’t know who we’re going to be shocked by any more,” Stanley Peesie, a CNN news anchor revealed solemnly.

On the MSN news network news readers were seen bawling their eyes out as they attempted to read the terrible news.

“Who am I going to chastise for wearing fur now? I just went and bought a mink coat in honour of Joan Rivers,” a visibly distraught news reader for MSNBC, Dominic Lewsanius, revealed today.

As the funeral cortège snaked through Manhattan Village on Friday, liberals threw pieces of stripped bacon at the procession in honour of Joan’s famously vulgar humour.

“She would have liked that touch. It’s good that the liberals finally came up to her level of bad taste thinking. It took a whole life time but they finally got it after she died,” Rivers’s agent told news outlets.

One positive thing about Joan Rivers passing is that she will not decompose for the next 400 years. Maybe by then they can bring her back to life to entertain the liberals of the future.

Next Kate Bush Concert Scheduled When She’s 91

 

“I couldn’t get tickets this time but can’t wait for the next Kate Bush concert when I’m 120 years old,” Gina Malloy, an avid fan told the BBC.

According to Kate Bush’s agent, the ethereal singer who sometimes sounds like a beached whale, will hold the concert at the same venue in 35 year increments for the next five centuries.

“Thirty five years is a long time for technological progress. We already have plans for Kate to either be encased in a nano particle fluid that will allow her to warble through a sound system. Perhaps in the future, concerts will be beamed into the minds of fans wherever they are geographically located. Please reserve your tickets now, you won’t be disappointed. See you there in 35 years folks,” Jasper Pointon, Kate Bush’s agent revealed yesterday.

British Bake Off World War III Latest News

 

 

Here’s the latest news of the British Bake Off Bin gate saga gripping the nation.

Some bearded pansy twat had a tantrum on television over an ice cream in a bucket that he threw in a bin.

The British Bake Off episode resulted in 562 complaints to the BBC and outrage across the whole of the UK.

“Forget about Russia invading Ukraine, I was glued to my telly at the bin gate fiasco,” John Armitage, 45, from Little Chepstow told the BBC.

All across Britain, there was not even a mention of World War III starting, it was all talk about the British Bake Off.

EU Ban on Powerful Vacuum Cleaners Impacting on Perverts

Full scale riots and protests have erupted in some department stores over the new EU ban on powerful vacuum cleaners, the BBC reports.

A man who wished to remain anonymous but was filmed rioting in a BHS store in Leicester said: “We need these powerful vacuum cleaners. What business is it of the EU’s to restrict our enjoyment. The vacuum cleaners available now are just not up to the job.”

NHS staff were however said to be relieved by the new EU restrictions on vacuum cleaners.

“We get them in here regularly with vacuum cleaners stuck to their privates. It’s using up valuable NHS time and money trying to get these machines off their bodies,” one doctor revealed yesterday.

Meanwhile in Westminster, politicians were strangely quiet about the whole sordid affair.

Farewell Tax Disc Hello Big Brother

 

Consider this fact that all it will take for the criminals to get around the new licence plate recognition cameras filming you every day is to find a car with the same colour, make, model as their car, and clone the number plate. Criminals have been doing it for years with penalty points and getting away with it quite successfully.

If you’re an Eastern European over here (70% of the population of Britain) simply drive a vehicle registered in some back alley in some former Soviet bloc shite hole. Anyone from the EU who lives and works in Britain is not bound by the same laws as the rest of us prisoners. Anyone who has a vehicle registered in the EU has carte Blanche to do as they please on Britain’s roads, speeding, parking wherever they want and not paying road tax.

Every journey you do from now on will be meticulously tracked by the plate recognition cameras, and this is obviously a little test for the future where British citizens will have to pay to drive by the mile.

Thanks to the EU, Britain’s tiny narrow roads are now so overcrowded with traffic from the rest of Europe that on a good day if you get to your destination in less than four hours even though it’s three miles away is a good day.

Out of all the taxes, road tax is pretty useless any way, once paid by the over burdened taxpayer, it is meant to be used on the roads to fix the pot holes and maybe maintain them a little. Instead, the money from your road tax is diverted to other governmental departments, you know like the surveillance department or Whitehall Christmas party planning budget. Who the fuck knows?

Nevermind, soon the roads will be filled with driverless cars with the rest of the rabble, so pay your road tax like a good chappie and keep biting your lip with your mouth firmly shut and your foot pressed hard on the accelerator peddle as you steam through another checkpoint.

New Celebrity Excrement Bucket Challenge Announced

The Ice Bucket Challenge has had serious coverage but now there’s a new challenge for true celebrities.

“Sometimes I don’t get enough coverage, I call in the paps when I go shopping at Whole Foods or to grab a coffee. It’s all part of the game of me, me, me. This ice bucket challenge was great though, I don’t even know why celebs were doing it but I got the call Monday to do it and called in my personal photographer, Larry,” some celebrity said on another celebrity news site.

But hold on for one second, here’s a new challenge for the real die hard celebrities. You want to go that extra mile for more attention this challenge will really separate the wheat from the chaff, or should we say chunks from the diarrhoea.

The Excrement Challenge is being rolled out all over the internet with celebs queuing to be nominated.

“I heard it’s for the Daily Squib newspaper, the Excrement Challenge is no pansy ice bucket challenge for wimps, this challenge is the real deal that will confirm my celebrity status forever and it’s for the Daily Squib charity, they need to be able to buy tea and biscuits in their office once in awhile,” a celebrity model who once appeared on Big Brother 23 told celebrity site Z17.

Nominations are cancelled for this challenge, all wonderfully useful celebrities are welcome, the more obscure you are the better because you will get more exposure. If you are top of the tabloid newsworthy table at the moment, you can increase your exposure even further and get more adulation that you crave so much. If you have the desire to be photographed every five minutes of your life, this will give you six minutes of total exposure on a constant cyclical basis.

Instructions

1) Get as many people that you know to crap in a bucket. Tramps, gardeners, PR people, agents, anyone

2) Top up with water or urine, add a little ice if you wish to make an extra statement

3) Make sure you contact all the photographers and paparazzi beforehand to announce the challenge

4) Pour that shit over your head and smile

5) Enjoy the extra attention you get, congratulate yourself, you deserve to be above the rest

6) Read the papers, watch the news, it’s all about you, you, you. Remember contributing to charity anonymously is for losers

Piers Morgan Off to Syria to Talk Down Brit Jihadis

“Forget the celebrity bucket challenge, I’m off to Syria to do something way more worthwhile. I will talk down any Jihadis from Britain or America into renouncing their ill fated Jihad fight. If everything goes well I should be back for Christmas,” an elated Piers Morgan said from his Beverly Hills apartment on Sunday.

The Piers Morgan show will be aired in September broadcast by the CNN network called the ‘Jihad Challenge’.

Millions of American viewers who have had to deal with Morgan’s smarmy self aggrandising irritating twaddle were in a cheery mood yesterday on hearing the news.

“Let’s hope he goes to Jihad land and doesn’t come back, at least in one piece. We’ve had enough of Moron. Please let him go on the Jihad Challenge,” a CNN viewer revealed on a message board.

Global Warming Activists Happy About Iceland Volcano Cooling

Global warming activists were said to be in a joyous mood earlier today when reports came through that the Iceland volcano which is erupting will expel billions of tiny pieces of debris acting as shields reflecting the sun’s light away from earth meaning Britain’s winter temperatures could plunge to Arctic levels while summer will be devoid of sunshine.

“This is great news for global warming because instead we’ll get freezing Arctic weather in the UK, and it won’t be nice and warm and toasty,” Jemma Baxenfarqua, a keen global warming activist told the BBC.

Even chief global warmist Al Gore chimed in from his sprawling mansion in America: “Looks like you Brits will get some global cooling or should I say freezing. Don’t worry folks the amount of energy I use every year with my massive carbon emissions will mean I’m living it up while you guys get frozen to ice cubes. Oh did I not mention the Russkies? Well, last I heard they’re cutting off the gas to Europe. Here’s to your global cooling ass wipes.”

Squib staff were said to be emigrating to the Southern Hemisphere to write their articles. It seems Ebola is a better bet than seeing your testicles fall on the floor as icicles.