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To EE or Not to EE?

Nobby Fenster
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To EE or Not to EE?

That is the question, or should we say the answer reveals the question that was asked before the answer was so rudely revealed by telecoms company EE.

With lots of talk about Apple, Orange and EE there’s something to be said about ridiculous company names, either resembling pieces of fruit dangling from trees or letters in the alphabet.

Nothing Much Nowhere

What is EE? Who cares? Maybe the people who can’t get much of a reception on their mobile devices care. Anyway, it’s all irrelevant because EE has a ridiculous name that means nothing and conjures up thoughts of maybe plonking a K at the end of EE. At least then the company may seem slightly interesting, otherwise it’s just EE, how fucking boring.

Why Scottish Referendum is About EU

Nobby Fenster
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Why Scottish Referendum is About EU

The EU is no doubt behind Salmond and Scotland, as the plan is to portion off the UK, divide and conquer, a technique employed by the British Empire now being utilised against itself.

As the engineers of Scottish Independence, certain unelected technocrats in Brussels are now rubbing their hands in glee at the thought of the EU taking the UK bit by bit.

Consider this fact, Southern Ireland and Scotland will surround England, Wales and Northern Ireland.

The Daily Squib wrote about the consequences of the Scottish referendum in 2012 and Cameron’s fake tears do not fool some who can see through the plan.

Eventually, after a while, England will capitulate to the EU, especially when they see Scotland and Ireland getting all the goodies. The Celts, who one would have thought valued their freedom are nothing but slaves under EU rule, however they do not seem to care as long as it means sticking one up to the English.

The Great British Pound, under the auspices of David Cameron and Brussels has its days numbered, because once Scotland adopts the euro currency, the GBP will lose its standing on the foreign exchange markets.

The global elite are always ten steps ahead of anyone else, and it is to this effect, that they are using the Scottish ruse of nationalism to conquer that nation from the inside. What better technique of conquest than to use the Scots to take over their own nation.

If Scotland however opts to stay in the UK, then Ed Miliband will bring the UK into the euro currency.

Either way, it is check mate and there is no way to get out of it. No one can win against the superior strategic qualities of the global masters, especially when there are so many who are under their pay.

Cameron, himself will be keyed up for a top job in Brussels as will Miliband once he finishes his prime ministership.

Hail the Fourth Reich, a conquest so complete that not one bullet was fired.

Kate Middleton: “I Want Ten More Kids”

Nobby Fenster
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Kate Middleton: “I Want Ten More Kids”

 

“It’s my duty to bang ’em out. They do the same thing on the sink estates and in a way we’re no different. Every time I drop another one, there are headlines, TV specials, commemorative plates, party hats and all sorts of junk sold. It’s part of the Royal business, innit,” the Duchess said whilst changing another nappy.

Now that Kate Middleton finally has a job, she is part of the British economy’s rapidly improving employment statistic.

Chancellor George Osborne is also full of praise for Kate:

“We need more royal babies. Every time she pops one out, the positive economic news sky rockets, we’re only talking 0.03% in actual terms, but over the years, in real terms there could be an increase of 0.05% base points factoring the adaptive expectations of the Kondratieff wave and inflation.”

Michael Schumacher: “No More Skiing For Me”

Nobby Fenster
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“I will not be going on the slopes again, and this is no reference to Jeremy Clarkson, I mean real slopes with snow on them. It’s too dangerous out there, one minute you’re skiing down a slope, the next minute, I don’t remember anything. I’ve still got a bit of a headache, mein gott it was awful. How long have I been out for?” the Grand Prix veteran revealed in a recent interview.

As for Lewis Hamilton, well, after his comments, he has been keeping a low profile, but Michael Schumacher had a few words to say about him.

“I would head butt Hamilton but with my recent injury it would not be so good eh, maybe I’ll just kick him in the Schwachsinn next time I see him,” Schumacher added.

Exclusive Apple iPhone Secrets Revealed

Nobby Fenster
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Exclusive Apple iPhone Secrets Revealed

The Apple iPhone is an iconic piece of equipment essential for human survival so we have compiled some secrets that no one knows about for this incredible smartphone.

The iPhone 1 was a smartphone that took photos which could download apps and surf the internet with a flat screen and a rounded edge rectangular shape.

The iPhone 2 was a smartphone that took photos which could download apps and surf the internet with a flat screen and a rounded edge rectangular shape.

The iPhone 3 was a smartphone that took photos which could download apps and surf the internet with a flat screen and a rounded edge rectangular shape.

The iPhone 4 was a smartphone that took photos which could download apps and surf the internet with a flat screen and a rounded edge rectangular shape.

The iPhone 5 was a smartphone that took photos which could download apps and surf the internet with a flat screen and a rounded edge rectangular shape.

The iPhone 6 is a smartphone that takes photos which can download apps and surf the internet with a flat screen and a rounded edge rectangular shape.

Next week we will reveal the secrets of the iPhone 7, please stay tuned for crucial updates.

Also our tech expert, Erasmus Brano, will reveal the differences between the Samsung S4rG 2.685 and the Samsung S429H 4L86(a)

Media: If Scotland Votes ‘Yes’ Meteorites Will Fall On Country

Nobby Fenster
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Media: If Scotland Votes ‘Yes’ Meteorites Will Fall On Country

 

“It’s almost like telling a child if he doesn’t stop jumping on that plank of wood or whatever they’re jumping on it will break or they’ll get a nasty splinter through their big toe,” an amused Scot from Glasgow said whilst looking at all the newspapers.

Here are some of the headlines from various publications:

Daily Mail: Huge Meteorite Will Fall On Glasgow Demolishing the Whole of Scotland and Increase the Cost of Scottish and English Mortgages and House Prices Will Drop to Nothing if the Scots Vote Yes

Daily Mirror: Ed Miliband Will Summon a Meteorite to Hit Scotland Shot From Gordon Brown’s Arse and the Cost of Deep Fried Mars Bars Will Rise by 2000% And Your Mortgage Too

The Sun: Two Breast Shaped Meteorites From the Planet Lusardi Will Hit Edinburgh Destroying the Whole of Scotland and the Queen Will Never Visit Again if You Vote Yes

The Daily Telegraph: Yippee the Tories Will be In Power Forever Now You Lousy Scottish Pikey Bastards Vote Yes

The BBC: How Are We Going to Get the Scots to Pay the TV Licence Fee Now It’s Hard Enough As it is?

The Times: Subscribe to See the Headline

Masterchef Magazine: A Giant Haggis Will Explode Over Scotland if there is a Yes Vote and there Will be No More Fish and Chips For You’se Lot

The Bible: On the Sixth Day there Shalt Be Fire and Brimstone Rushed From Heaven Spewed onto Scotland if They Sayeth Yes to thy Devil’s Freedom

Military Experts: Why the West Must Not Send Troops to Iraq Unless..

Nobby Fenster
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Military Experts: Why the West Must Not Send Troops to Iraq Unless..

Speaking at West Point military academy, General D. Franks, a celebrated four star general revealed the pitfalls of sending troops back into Iraq and Syria.

“We’ve just seen another act of savagery committed by the biggest threat the West has seen in a long time. The daily beheadings and other atrocities committed by the Islamic State cannot be solved without a deployment of at least 180,000 troops, full air force support, logistics and trillions of dollars worth of administration as well as intelligence. The second Gulf war cost America an excess of $11 billion per month according to the Congressional Research Service (CRS) and in total the campaigns in both Afghanistan and Iraq cost the U.S. taxpayer over $1 trillion.

“Immediately after the second Gulf wars, the world was plunged into the biggest recession since the end of World War II.

“In relation to the current crisis, we must understand that one cannot win against a state that has infinite recruits without total deployment. The Middle East is a hotbed of Jihadism where by killing one of their number creates one hundred in their place. To this end, there are limited conventional military solutions to the Iraq imbroglio.

“By being dragged into another costly conflict when the world’s economy is still very fragile will increase the velocity of its downfall. We must also add in the Ukraine factor, as this impacts on America’s ability to mobilise large forces on many fronts, spread too thin and too wide we would be sitting ducks.

“The only solution to the threat we are seeing now is either total conscription or nothing. Remember we are dealing with very large numbers of potential enemies who have unlimited time. The U.S. must bring back compulsory conscription if it wants to crush the threats we are seeing effectively.

“The strategy of drone and air force bombings are ineffective as they only target small areas, and are prone to failure due to lack of intelligence on the ground. Further failings by the current administration are seen with the policy of arming other factions to do our work. This is not only a cowardly stance, but highly ineffective and only leads to needless escalation as well as leaving key decisions to other commanders who may or may not have our best interests at hand.

“I therefore propose the re-instatement of the military draft system in the United States as the only way to counteract the multiple threats we are dealing with from many areas of the globe right now. I also propose the budget for the military is increased by over 60% forthwith.”

Why wait to be called up, join now to fight for what is right.

Join the U.S. Army

Join the U.S. Air Force

Join the U.S. Navy

Join the U.S. Special Forces

___________________

Join the British Army

Join the Royal Air Force

Join the Royal Navy

 

Obama: “Caliphate Welcome at White House Any Time”

Nobby Fenster
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Obama: “Caliphate Welcome at White House Any Time”

A jovial president Obama saunters into the Oval office and sits back in his chair putting his feet up on an empty desk.

“Just had the best round of golf I had in ages, but I guess gotta do some work huh,” the president said yawning.

“You know what? I said I don’t have a plan for this ISIS thang, but while playing golf I thought to myself I do have a plan for this ISIS crisis, and I’m gonna do what I always do — talk. Hey Michelle, get onto my secretary, tell her she needs to send the invites out ASAP. Don’t forget to mention that we will not tolerate beheadings in the White House, dang that shit would mess up the carpets and put me in mo trouble.”

whitehousemosque500

The Caliphate has been cordially invited to dine with the President of the United States, and hopefully all the troubles in the Middle East will subside once and for all.

Obama is so keen to host the Caliphate that he has chartered several passenger planes for the ISIS entourage to be picked up from some captured Libyan airport and flown to Washington D.C.

“The first thing I’m gonna say to the Caliph is, nice watch is it Rolex, I like to play golf a lot, how about you, do you like golf? You see you gotta be nice. Then I’m gonna say, listen about the new Caliphate, I’ve been watching you guys carving up some serious territory over there, gotta say kinda impressed, but don’t forget the people who armed you in the first place, we’re all ears here and we have the expertise for oil fields, you’re gonna need specialist machinery, maintenance, spare parts, the whole shabang.

“We got open borders here in the United States, so the Caliphate could easily make Caliphornia their new North American base, wow, Caliphate in Caliphornia got a nice ring to it. I’m so excited, but not just me bro, Michelle here has got some great food for y’all. Right now she’s preparing a plate with a piece of lettuce, a pea, and a four month old dried piece of organic biscuit, like what she got the school lunches to give kids here. We know you’re going to enjoy your stay. Mi casa su casa.”

Adult Film Stars Outraged After Fully Clothed Photos Leaked

Nobby Fenster
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Adult Film Stars Outraged After Fully Clothed Photos Leaked

“I am outraged. This is a gross invasion of my privacy. The photos depict me fully clothed wearing an overcoat and jeans. The only part of me that showed flesh were my face, neck and hands,” the female adult star, who wished to remain anonymous, told LA Weekly.

Due to the nature of the incident, the FBI have been called out and police helicopters have been mobilised all across America.

FBI agent, Richard Cojone, had this to say to the hacker: “We’re mobilising our forces to get you. There’s nowhere to hide. We have sea, air, ground and satellite search squads zeroing in on your location right now.”

Anyone caught posting any of the leaked photos of clothed adult film stars is liable for immediate arrest and ten years in prison the FBI revealed in another press call today.

Caught in the iCloud Female Hollywood Celebs in Frenzied Fapocalypse

Nobby Fenster
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Caught in the iCloud Female Hollywood Celebs in Frenzied Fapocalypse

 

The Daily Squib offices have been on severe lockdown checking out the leaked photos much like everyone else who has an internet connection in the world, invariably these wonderful images will be ingrained in everyone’s collective consciousness for internet icloud eternity.

Naturally, the Daily Squib foresaw the dangers of iCloud in 2011 when it was first introduced. Coupled with the Edward Snowden revelations which we foresaw four years before him, this episode is merely a storm in a teacup. The celebrities in question, if they were ever in the loop, should know that observers in the National Security Agency have been viewing their pictures long before any hacker saw them. It’s simply common knowledge now that every part of the net is accessible by big brother.

If you’re a fan of Downton Abbey’s Jessica Brown Findlay as much as we are, you will be particularly amused by the pic of her being poked in the eye tentatively by a John Thomas as she looks lovingly at it and pouts suggestively. Don’t know what the photos will do to her career but it’s great to see the Brits keeping up the helm?

Kate Upton, some bint off Sports Illustrated shows everyone that she has immaculate lips, her uncle, U.S. Representative Fred Upton (R-MI) must be so proud.

Hunger Games was a great movie, as were the follow ups, and its indomitable star, Jennifer Lawrence seems rather plain in the leaked photos, she is merely another self-obsessed selfie addict with a penchant for splashing her face with milky white dispersions from some lucky guy and putting the pics on the internet, not quite the heroine who gets one up on the ‘Illuminati’ as portrayed in her films.

The photos are celebratory fappings of a Hollywood destroyed by the internet and it’s own banal mediocrity, in an age where nothing is sacred any more, we get a glimpse of stupid stars who are not in control of themselves. Before the internet happened, actresses would be able to secure roles in films by completing their acts of kindness on deal makers anonymously. This gave the actresses a sense that they got the roles for their talent alone, especially in the eyes of the public. The internet era has however cast an altogether different light to how these paragons of opportunity become successful. The Hollywood machine is a much dilapidated industry now, especially when anyone can download any film they want in a few minutes for free.

As the marketing PR men scramble to salvage some semblance of dignity for their now completely unmasked starlets, and twitter scrambles to delete the accounts of the multitude of users spreading the lurid pictures like wildfire, a solitary question arises, why is it not okay to show a seemingly innocent looking media starlet displaying her glorious attributes for the camera and it is perfectly permissible for violent images of crazed jihadists to display their beheading activities? The answer lies within the Anglo world’s hang up on sex and the media’s fear inducing hunger for gratuitous violence. Keep them all in a constant state of fear at all times.

Next time you watch a film with one of these ladies, you may think to yourself throughout the entire film, the whole world has seen your badly packed kebab, but never mind eh, it’s all part of the biz.

The internet is a truly beautiful invention bringing smiles to a lot of people today. Enjoy.

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