“Dear Comrades, commissars, Bolsheviks, unions, biased civil-servants, today I outline our collective 10-year communist plan for Soviet Britain. The Labour Politburo which makes up most of the House of Commons, and implanted Labour House of Lords will implement my plan for the entirety of the country. Yes, there may be partisans and capitalist bourgeois interlopers who may disagree with my 10-year communist plan, but these treacherous venal capitalist scum will be routed from their ratholes and thrown from the parapets of Soviet Britain into the all consuming fires of Marxist outrage.

“Comrades, I have sequestered the imperialistic puppet parasite “King” of Britain to read out the 10-year communist plan in the Duma today. Yes, he is a simple fucking puppet, a relic of the past, as well as being a parasitical drain on our Soviet nation’s people’s soviet bank, but for now he is of use to us. Give it a few more years, and we will string the lot of them up and display them for the public to see hanging from the windows of Buckingham Palace. We will then gut their palaces of their stolen artefacts and allow the people to desecrate these places of imperialistic thievery.

“As well as giving full power to the unions, who will wreak havoc on the last remaining capitalist remnants of socialist Britain, I must thank the biased civil service who have always supported our soviet Labour cause whilst in exile. It was because of your intransigence and determination to sabotage the Conservative scum for decades that helped their downfall. We will reward you with even higher pension plans and expense packages.

“Our first order of operations is to build over the green fields; the babbling brooks, the quaint villages of Britain and in their place supplant large concrete grey blocks to house the millions of immigrants who will continue coming to Britain under its open door policy. After all, in the sham soviet elections, we always need our voter base, and illegal immigrants who we grant citizenship without any checks, are a good start.

“The House of Lords Hereditary Bill will ensure that all toffs are turfed out and replaced by Labour soviet commissars and people with names like Chakrabati.

“The Digital Information and Smart Data Bill will ensure more surveillance to protect the peasants and proles from themselves. Yes, it is for your own protection that we will increase all surveillance. If we hear any proles who say anything out of sorts about soviet Britain or me, your supreme leader, then you will find out what happens to you. Our Gulags in the north of Britain will soon be bristling with your bodies as you are re-educated, thirty or forty years at a time.

“I announce the British Railways Bill. I dream of soggy cheese and tomato sandwiches and dirty dishwater cups of tea. Hurrah! We are bringing back British Rail. Cattle carriages may or may not transport the proles from one place to another, that is, if the trains even bother to fucking turn up in the first place.

“I have put in place my loyal Stasi Rottweiler comrade Milliband to oversee Labour’s WEF Trilateral Commission Net Zero Bill. This very simple plan involves impoverishing Scotland especially by cutting off their oil revenue, and impoverishing Britain by punishing road users who own and use vehicles that are powered by petrol. Along with high tax rises, council tax increases and the huge cost of importing gas from other countries, which I might add causes invariably more carbon emissions, living in Britain will become even more intolerable.

“The new Pensions Bill was a pet project of mine. You may have a pension that is worth something today. Thank you for saving and working for years to make a lovely pension pot for our soviet Labour Party. We will take every penny out of your pension so you do not have to bother about retiring unless you are a comrade of the party or commissar of the civil service. Thank you proles for your money, now fuck off and get back to work until you drop dead in the streets penniless.

“The Private Schools Bill. This one is a class war speciality, a vengeful declaration of soviet beauty. We hate you privileged scum who work hard all your lives in order to send your lazy bourgeois progeny to private schools. No! Under soviet Britain’s Labour Party, you will be taxed out of existence, so that only high party members will have the ability to send their kids to private schools. The rest will be thrown amongst the squalid, overcrowded comprehensives and oversubscribed crumbling primary schools.

“All in all, comrades, if the proles have money now, they will not have any tomorrow as the soviet hand of the Labour Party will upturn the citizens and empty their rubles into party coffers.

“Thank you for voting in the sham election where only 20% of the country voted for us, and goodnight suckers!”