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Judge Stops Chicken Nugget From Being Deported From UK

Monsieur Hémorroïdes
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Judge Stops Chicken Nugget From Being Deported From UK

A chicken nugget has been allowed to remain in Britain partly because the judge presiding over the case thought it would be a silly idea to deport the nugget, a tribunal has ruled.

The immigration judge concluded that it would be “unduly harsh” to send the 3-year-old nugget back to Albania, where it was created in a chicken processing factory.

The only specific example provided in court was the nugget’s “delicious crunchy taste” of heavily processed chicken off-cuts.

As a result, the judge upheld the chicken nugget’s appeal against deportation under the right to family life provisions of the European Convention on Human Rights (ECHR) on the basis that its removal could have a negative impact on the little nugget, according to court documents released on Monday.

Judge Pendels Trabafrothwaite, granted the chicken nugget leave to stay in Britain during the court hearing, and demanded the nugget was delivered to his office for a review of the lengthy and costly trial billed to UK taxpayers.

When the chicken nugget was delivered to the judge, witnesses recount the judge licking his lips and rolling his eyes with what seemed to be a pleasurable gaze prior to rapidly squirting some ketchup over the poor nugget.

Before anyone could do or say anything, the judge popped the nugget in his mouth and ate the fucker like it was his last meal on earth. Afterwards, he let off a large, satisfied burp.

End.

Spring Watch: The Great British Punter Rises

Monsieur Hémorroïdes
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Spring Watch: The Great British Punter Rises

Springtime is a beautiful time of year in the UK, flowers and plants start to blossom, animals end their hibernation, and racing experts begin to wake up from their slumber, ready to display their Cheltenham Festival and Grand National knowledge like a peacock in full plume to anyone that will listen.

As shoots of new life sprout, packs of bookmakers circle the flock to provide betting offers to all, attempting to coax players in for the big events, targeting the various species of punters in a feeding frenzy.

There are nine types of punter, each with a varying degree of annoyance and expertise, sometimes in equal measure. We all know them. We have all seen them, but the question is, which one are you?

The Annual PunterThe Annual Punter

I will always remember as a child, my nan being anti-gambling, yet when the Grand National came around, she would always enlist the help of my dad (a full-time punter) to “stick a bet on” for her without fail. She did not know about form or such, she just picked a “nice name” or three and stuck 50p each way. Funnily enough, she was quite successful, much to my old man’s chagrin.

The Rocketeer

The Rocketeer does not just want to win, they want to win everything! Not satisfied with backing a winner at 2/1, they go after the moonshot 8-fold bet that may pay out at 6,000/1. Despite it never happening, they will do the same week-in-week-out. These are the equivalent of the crypto bros shouting “to the moon” every few days and are just as annoying.

the try hardThe Try-Hard or “Expert”

The try-hard is an unusual beast. Convinced of his racing knowledge, he insists he knows who you should back every race, thanks to living vicariously through X feeds of jockeys, trainers, or tipsters and bumping into a famous jockey at Watford Gap Services. They often talk about “gut feeling” but in truth, it’s probably just the bad kebab they had the night before.

the mugThe Mug

The perfect enabler of the Try-Hard. Happy to listen and ends up having a bet on the most ridiculous of tips passed on due to huge amounts of FOMO. The Mug is easy to spot, usually following the try-hard like a sheep or lost puppy, waiting for cues on what to do next.

The Stalker / Defender

A multi-faceted individual, the stalker will only back a specific trainer or jockey, regardless of the race. The great trainer, Willie Mullins’ could have a debutant at 50/1 and the Stalker will be straight in there, sticking a couple of quid on in good faith, before reverting to his second form (The Defender), as he makes excuses for his hero when the horse in question has been pulled up halfway around the track.

the jinxThe Jinx

The jinx has an unfathomable ability of ruining a horse’s race before it starts, by simply betting on it. This power also applies during a race too, if you hear them say that xx horse “is going well,” you can rest assured that it is all over for you. Avoid like the plague!

The Superstitious PunterThe Superstitious Punter

Everything happens for a reason, well that’s what the superstitious punter believes at least, picking runners based on coincidences, such as having a favourite holiday destination in its name or being foaled on the same date as my old school friend’s birthday, who I incidentally have not seen in 35 years. The weaker the connection, the better, but do not get them started if their pick wins!

The Full-Timer

Not a professional punter, but a person who seamlessly blends betting with everyday life. Just like the modern teenager, they will have their phone surgically attached to their hands, looking at the latest odds or watching the in-play markets. You can spot them out in the wild, including workplaces, cars, and even weddings.

the professionalThe Professional

The professional is a rare breed, a meticulous expert thanks to years of experience and learning. They can be hard to spot, but signs can include having a form guide at arms-length, constantly getting alerts about horses they follow, and an impressive range of Excel macros. Usually mild-mannered, they can anger quickly if you ask for a tip, so do so at your own risk!

An Englishman’s Guide to American “Football” (Which Isn’t Football at All, Really)

Monsieur Hémorroïdes
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1
An Englishman’s Guide to American “Football” (Which Isn’t Football at All, Really)

Right, listen up, ein Britishers! We need to have a chat about this peculiar American pastime they call “football.” Now, before you start assuming it’s just our beloved game with a few quirky rule changes (like baseball is to cricket, an inferior imitation), let me stop you right there. This so-called “football” has about as much in common with football as a Labour politician has with common sense.

Firstly, Where’s the Fucking Foot?

Here’s the first and most glaring issue: they barely use their fucking feet. Okay, there’s a bit of kicking here and there, once every 45 minutes when someone remembers they actually have a foot, but for the most part, it’s a game of throwing, carrying, and smashing into each other like a bunch of blootered pensioners outside a Wetherspoons on a Saturday afternoon.

In fact, if we’re being historically accurate, American football is far more like rugby than it is football. It started out as a chaotic mash-up of rugby and association football in the late 19th century, when American universities decided that simply playing one of the perfectly good existing sports from England wasn’t confusing enough. No, like all American mash-ups they had to invent their own Frankensteinian version, one where they could wear a suit of fucking armour, stop every seven seconds for a committee meeting, and somehow still call it “football.”

A Brief History of American “Football” (or How the Colonies Butchered Rugby)

Back in the 1860s and 1870s, American universities were playing various versions of football, some resembling association football (our actual football) and others closer to rugby. Eventually, a chap named Walter Camp, an American, of course, decided that rugby wasn’t quite organised enough, so he took it upon himself to ruin it with a bunch of additional rules, such as the line of scrimmage, downs, and most outrageously, the forward pass.

The forward pass is where this game really goes off the rails. In rugby, you pass backwards like a civilised person. In American football, they decided, “Nah, let’s chuck it 40 yards forward and hope for the best.” The result? A sport where hulking meathead jock brutes throw missiles at each other while wearing enough padding to survive a car crash.

The “Rules” (Used Loosely)

If you’re a Brit watching American football for the first time, here’s what you need to know:

  1. The game stops. Constantly. Seriously, it takes them three hours to play what should be an hour of sport. Why? Because after every few seconds of action, there’s a huddle, a replay, a referee conference, and approximately 57 television commercials.
  2. Each team has about 600 players. In proper football, you have 11 players who do everything. In rugby, you have 15. In American football? They need separate players for offence, defence, kicking, special teams, hydration duty, social media management, and possibly a bloke just to hold the quarterback’s hair back while he adjusts his helmet.
  3. The ball is an egg. This is just a minor gripe, but if you’re going to call something “football,” you might at least use a fucking ball, not a misshapen leather kidney.
  4. The scoring makes no sense. A touchdown is six points. A kick after is one point, but if you decide to run it in instead, it’s two points. Field goals are three points, and safeties are two points. It should be plainly obvious at this point that they’re just making it up as they go.
  5. It’s violent, but not really. Yes, they smash into each other like a stampede at Primark’s Boxing Day sale, but they also wear helmets, shoulder pads, and padding that would make a medieval knight jealous. Rugby players, on the other hand are not fucking namby-pamby pussies, tackle just as hard but with nothing but their own skin, cauliflower ears and sheer determination to absorb the impact.

Just Call It “Handegg” and Be Done with It

So there you have it, the Daily Squib guide to a game called American “football” which isn’t really football, it’s a bizarre, stop-start, hyper-commercialised fucked up version of rugby on steroids with added bureaucracy and unnecessarily complicated rules. But let’s be fair to the Yanks, it is entertaining in its own over-the-top way, and the Super Bowl is quite the spectacle (mainly because of the half-time show and the woke NFL adverts, but still).

Next time you’re forced to watch this odd spectacle with American mates, just remember: it’s not football, it’s rugby with timeouts, an advertising budget, and a slightly inflated sense of self-importance.

Now, who’s up for a proper game of footie?

Next week – Why the Game of Tennis is Strangely Tennis On Both Sides of the Atlantic …

The Reckoning Has Begun: Trump’s Second Term to Bring Unprecedented Accountability

Monsieur Hémorroïdes
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The Reckoning Has Begun: Trump’s Second Term to Bring Unprecedented Accountability

A historic moment is upon us. With the world watching, the corrupt institutions that have long manipulated and deceived the public are finally being exposed. President Donald Trump, now battle-hardened and unrelenting, has returned for his second term—not to play politics, but to deliver justice. This time, the gloves are off, and those who thought they could walk away unscathed will face the consequences and accountability of their actions.

Next phase – Accountability

Elon Musk and the DOGE team have ripped the veil off a system that has been stealing from the people for decades with USAID, revealing their sinister tactics and unchecked abuses of power. Trump has done more than just pull back the curtain—he has stepped into the arena, fully prepared for the final battle. The far-left controlled deep state is cornered, and their days are numbered. There will be arrests. There will be trials. There will be consequences.

This isn’t 2016. Trump is no longer manoeuvring within their rigged system—he is dismantling it. He has taken direct aim at the entrenched establishment that has sought to destroy him since the day he stepped into office. They failed. They tried to imprison him. They even tried to kill him. Now, their time is up.

Elon Musk knows what’s at stake. When asked in an interview before the election with Tucker Carlson what would happen if Trump didn’t return to power, Musk didn’t hesitate: “I’m finished.” He understood what the rest of us already knew—the corrupt forces will not stop unless they are stopped. Their desperation was proof of their guilt. They saw the storm coming, and for the first time in modern history, they were afraid. Why did Biden abuse his presidential pardon privileges before he was dismissed in disgrace? Well, what’s happening now, and will happen in the future, will bring up some serious evidence to the level of corruption these people have been indulging in for so long without any form of controls.

Trump and Musk aren’t doing this for wealth or personal gain. They are writing their names into history, securing their legacies as men who stood up when others cowered. True immortality is not about living forever—it’s about being remembered for reshaping the world. The movement they have ignited is unstoppable. Where Trump and Musk will go down in history as heroes, Biden and Obama will go down in history as villains.

Behind the scenes, the final pieces are being put into place. Kash Patel is ready. Pam Bondi is ready. The legal framework is set. The indictments will come. The arrests will follow. The corrupt Democrats who thought they were untouchable will soon learn that no one is above the law. The American people have waited long enough.

This is not just a political shift—it is a revolution. The far-left hierarchy, who have lived off the suffering of ordinary people for generations, are facing their day of reckoning. Freedom, fairness, and prosperity—concepts they once mocked—are now on the horizon. The tide has turned.

Netflix, Hollywood, and the corrupt corporate media are already feeling the backlash. Once powerful institutions are scrambling, banning those who speak truth, silencing opposition, and clinging to their last remnants of control. But it won’t save them. Their influence is collapsing. The people see through their lies.

The deep state’s greatest mistake was underestimating Trump. They thought he was just another politician. They were wrong. He is the catalyst of the greatest awakening in modern history.

Now, as everything comes to a head, we must be prepared. The next phase is here. The accountability stage — the arrests, the trials, the downfall of those who have abused their power for far too long—it is all within reach. The warm-up is over.

The reckoning has begun.

Daily Squib Would Have Gone Woke For $100 Million USAID

Monsieur Hémorroïdes
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Daily Squib Would Have Gone Woke For $100 Million USAID

Dayum! Seeing the list of people given billions of USAID U.S. taxpayer dollars for spreading woke, gay, BLM, Metoo and transgender propaganda, for a $100 million the Daily Squib would have been promoting that shit too.

Why did we not hear about this crap? Over 4,100 news outlets were receiving billions of dollars of US taxpayer cash to promote woke LGBTQP and far-leftist propaganda for decades, and we were not in on it, or even considered for the list. Shit, for that kind of money we would have had rainbows and BLM, LGBTQP stories all over the Squib. We missed out on the USAID bonanza, how the hell are we going to live that one down?

The irony of the whole situation is that we were saying stuff like “Go Woke Go Broke” when those guys were literally swimming in USAID bribes from the U.S. taxpayer. They must have been giggling all the way to their penthouses.

Imagine all the far-leftists driving around in their Ferraris and Porsches funded by USAID, and many of the Squib staffers barely can afford a bicycle.

Well, that’s the price for having some integrity, huh.

Seriously, we would never accept any US taxpayer cash stolen and redistributed (laundered) in the form of USAID. This despicable act actually sickens us, and is more akin to theft from decent, hard-working Americans. Especially as the US is in debt for nearly $40 trillion, it’s a disgusting act of corruption that Big Balls and Elon Musk have uncovered. Bless those guys, and thanks to Trump for uncovering the biggest crime ever investigated in US state history.

Yes, the Daily Squib is poor, but at least we did not rip off the US taxpayers for billions.

Why Rappers Wear Chains

Monsieur Hémorroïdes
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Why Rappers Wear Chains

Rappers often wear gold chains with large pendants as a symbol of their success and wealth, as is this rapper eating fried chicken in the middle of a road.

As the cars drive by, he revels in his success as a rapper in the world of rap music.

It is a highly idealistic lifestyle for African Americans, and exemplifies their status in black high society.

Why do rappers wear chains?

Rappers wear jewellery to flex, show off their wealth, and make a spectacle of their disposable income.

They also wear jewellery to commemorate, money, greed, low morality, laziness, sexual perversion, drugs, and crime which are all things celebrated by rappers.

In fact, the more vulgar the display of their chains and jewellery, the higher the status they assume within the black community.

“I’m not certain what type of metal the gentleman in the video is wearing as a chain around his neck, but I could safely guess it is possibly faux gold-plated. If he were to get the metal wet, and it turned green, this would confirm my hypothesis. It’s perfectly fine to wear fake jewellery, many of my rapper clients like to fake it because everything is out on loan, or they simply trash their money away as soon as they get some cash,” Ron Goldberg, an Atlanta jeweller revealed after viewing the video of the rapper.

Why the Socialist Big State is Necessary for Labour to Function

Monsieur Hémorroïdes
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Why the Socialist Big State is Necessary for Labour to Function

Labour are doing the right thing for Big State employees and civil servants, they are securing the loyalty of the staff to the Labour ideology of Marxist socialism with massive pay rises, payoffs and increases to gold-plated pension plans, to concrete the elements of this system and hard-wire it into government and Marxist unions permanently, because when they do that, even if they are ousted from power somehow, they will have the loyalty of the civil service in their pockets at all times. By solidifying Labourite power into the system, any government that comes into power will always find it nigh on impossible to retract any of the prohibitive, damaging laws that Labour brought in during their tenure. We saw this in action after the 2016 EU Referendum, where Brexit was nearly deleted from existence by parliament and by the deep state civil servants. Even when Boris Johnson came into power with a large mandate from voters, he was thwarted at every point by the civil service. In fact, it was the civil service who also ejected Johnson, because he was seen as a threat to their order. The staunchly socialist Marxist civil service then only had to wait for Sunak to lose the election and Labour to come back into power to continue the slow ‘exit out of Brexit’ process, which is currently taking place. Brexit never really happened, and it will never happen now that Labour are moving towards complete union with the EU, utilising the step-by-step process where large overt moves will be avoided until it is too late for anyone to care or do anything any more. Therefore, governance by the socialist, Marxist Labour machine relies solely on a bloated Big State apparatus, and no successive government or entity has ever had the power to do anything about cleaning out this monstrosity, this behemoth bureaucratic socialist nightmare ever since the days of Clement Atlee. Labour knows that time is on their side, and with time comes apathy. Utilising apathy as a means to conduct ever closer union to the EU is the primary modus operandi of Labour under the current leadership. Rachel Reeves, the Chancellor, is all too happy to destroy the private sector, to destroy entrepreneurship and to destroy the last vestiges of small businesses struggling to survive under an environment of taxation upon taxation and ridiculous regulations upon regulations. Labour does not care about the private sector or the so-called ‘growth’, it only cares about the state and its party. They’ll just keep borrowing money ad infinitum, and continue on. Labour cares less for the people of Britain than its various schemes outside the UK, and it cares more for the call of the EU soviet bloc than any other country. As for the USA, for Labour, the American administration under Donald J. Trump is now viewed as the ultimate enemy and danger to their plans. Why do you think they were adamant in sending Mandelson, one of the most corrupt and devious characters in global politics, to be the ambassador in Washington? Why did Labour go to great pains to send over 100 Marxist agitators to America during the election campaign, with orders to sabotage Trump? To Labour, America has fallen, and it is now a supreme threat to the UK’s and EU’s socialist ideology of woke politics and social cohesion. The Reform Party, are viewed as a mild threat to Labour’s complete control over the UK, but as we have witnessed with the election in May with many council elections being cancelled, there are nefarious undemocratic methods Labour can utilise to control Reform. What Labour is hoping for is a slight increase in their own popularity by the time the next elections come around, local or general. This increase in popularity is highly unlikely to materialise because we have seen that Labour only cares for the Big State and nothing else. The people are a tool, only to be used for taxation and to fool for votes — nothing else. As mentioned earlier, it won’t matter in five years time whether Labour wins or loses, because Labour is built into the hardware, the very fabric of all state departments, all institutions and even in the so-called opposition parties — look at the Conservatives, who adopted and became more socialist in some of their policies even than Labour. With two political parties that are identical in socialistic nature, eventually one of them will have to be destroyed completely, and the Tories will simply be absorbed into a bigger Labour Party, or the ones who are truly Conservative will try their luck with Reform. The Fabian Society is almost an occult organisation that holds ultimate control over the UK, and it will continue its role for many years to come, because the bloated monolith of the Big State can never be nudged away from its socialist Marxist allegiance to Labour, it is just too engrained within the fabric of the system, a virus so penetrative that nothing can disturb its omnipotence.

Netflix Subscription Levels Would Shoot Up if Meghan Markle Dumped

Monsieur Hémorroïdes
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Netflix Subscription Levels Would Shoot Up if Meghan Markle Dumped

Something has been dragging Netflix down like a dead weight for the past few years, yep, it’s called Meghan Markle. Everyone knows she is allegedly a greedy, narcissistic egotistical control-freak bully, but what’s worse is that she is toxic to any company or brand. Anything she touches turns to shit, because she has the reverse Midas touch — she’s got the Minus touch.

News is in La La Land that the Difficult Duchess, a fourth rate actress, has stepped on so many toes and bullied so many people that even the Americans have had enough of her.

Netflix Faces Internal Turmoil Over ‘With Love, Meghan’

Netflix is reportedly facing mounting internal and public backlash over Meghan Markle’s latest woke self-indulgent, self aggrandising project, With Love, Meghan, as concerns grow regarding the show’s performance and the controversies surrounding its lead figure.

According to insider reports, the streaming giant’s board of directors has taken significant steps to distance the company from Markle, including barring her from test screening sessions and limiting her promotional opportunities.

Netflix Moves to Restrict Meghan Markle’s Influence

The controversy surrounding Markle escalated after test screenings of With Love, Meghan reportedly received negative feedback.

Sources indicate that Markle was present at these screenings, where she allegedly reacted negatively to unfavourable critiques, labelling test viewers as biased, racist and misogynist. This prompted Netflix CEO Greg Peters and the board to exclude her from future screenings, a decision aimed at mitigating further internal conflict.

Additionally, Markle’s plans to deliver a speech at the 2025 Academy Awards, which was expected to include a segment on the Los Angeles wildfires while promoting With Love, Meghan, have been halted.

Netflix reportedly intervened by appealing to the Academy, which ultimately decided to bar her from making the speech. The decision has sparked further tension between Markle and Netflix, with the Duchess of Sussex allegedly preparing a legal response.

Declining Support from Hollywood Studios

Beyond Netflix, major Hollywood studios—including Sony, Universal, and Warner Bros.—have reportedly shown reluctance to work with Markle on future projects.

Industry insiders suggest that her declining popularity and the controversies surrounding her public appearances have made studios hesitant to invest in her toxic involvement.

Despite the mounting resistance, some members of Netflix’s board remain supportive of Markle and are pushing for a second season of With Love, Meghan, which has already been conceptualised as a contingency plan should the show secure a renewal.

However, a growing faction within the company is advocating for severing ties with Markle altogether, citing concerns over declining audience engagement and potential reputational damage.

Impact on Netflix and Future Prospects

The handling of Markle’s project comes as Netflix navigates a delicate balancing act between financial viability and public perception.

Analysts suggest that With Love, Meghan could significantly impact the company’s subscription metrics, prompting a wave of cancellations.

Meanwhile, Markle has reportedly begun reaching out to alternative platforms and production houses in search of new opportunities.

With tensions continuing to rise, the outcome of Netflix’s internal deliberations will likely determine the next phase of Markle’s entertainment career.

As the situation develops, all eyes remain on whether Netflix will stand firm in its decision-making or yield to internal and external pressures.

VR Table Tennis Will Encourage the Growth of Table Tennis Worldwide

Monsieur Hémorroïdes
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VR Table Tennis Will Encourage the Growth of Table Tennis Worldwide

If ten years ago, esports disciplines were perceived by society as a form of leisure for teenagers, today, the attitude towards this direction has changed. This opinion is evidenced by the popularisation of esports in the media space, where authors of materials report on the results of competitions or the number of visitors during esports tournaments.

pexels-a-darmel-7862517 VR Table TennisIn addition, most fans of esports games and traditional sports can enthusiastically accept the appearance of virtual table tennis. This is an expected event since the following types of e-sports disciplines are already in demand: efootball, ebasketball, and ehockey.

VR table tennis was part of the first Olympic eSports Week in June 2023 in Singapore, when it was held as an exhibition event. The success of this landmark event has motivated the International Table Tennis Federation Executive Board to approve the creation of a virtual reality table tennis tournament next year. ITTF President Petra Sörling noted that VR table tennis will encourage the growth of table tennis worldwide.

Sports premium content and products with BETER at ICE Barcelona 2025

It is also important that VR table tennis attracts the attention of leading brands that provide sports and esports content. For example, the BETER brand has added VR table tennis competitions to its sports portfolio, which has already featured competitions in real table tennis and basketball.

In the Setka Cup (BETER Sports’ flagman product) virtual reality competition, professional athletes play in a virtual reality format. Each professional table tennis player wears a VR headset, and the competition takes place in the state-of-the-art BETER table tennis simulator.

The nearest opportunity to learn more about VR table tennis will be a large-scale event – ICE Barcelona. iGaming industry leaders may join the BETER team at booth 4B18 to learn more about:

  • 24/7/365 live-streaming capabilities;
  • 400+ global esports tournaments yearly;
  • 46,000+ in-house sports and esports events monthly
  • Bettor-centric BETER iFrame, MTS solutions, Esports Widget
  • In-house trading team delivering precise odds for maximum engagement
  • Dedicated integrity team, ensuring the highest industry standards

ICE Barcelona 2025 is a significant event for gaming authoritative representatives across the globe.

Daily Squib Holiday Competition: 1,000 FREE PARIS TICKETS

Monsieur Hémorroïdes
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Daily Squib Holiday Competition: 1,000 FREE PARIS TICKETS

Hi, it’s another exclusive Daily Squib holiday competition, this time to Paris, France, the city of love, amour! FREE PARIS TICKETS OFFER!

We’re giving away 1,000 free train tickets to Paris, and all you have to do is send a postcard with your name and number on it along with a single sentence explaining why you think you should go to the most beautiful city in the world.

Imagine the aroma of freshly cooked French cuisine just as you step out of the train station, the delightful sights and sounds you will encounter. Maybe you may catch a glimpse of a nice man from deepest Africa washing his anus in a drinking fountain, or how about raw meat chunks on the pavement fresh after some Parisian’s pet poodle has been caught and butchered. Barbecue has never been so fresh.

We will of course put you up in a Parisian hotel…er…tent, no, a hotel room, we’re serious.

Enjoy the joyous carnival atmosphere in the streets of Paris. It will be an experience you will never forget. All you need to do is grab some free Paris tickets, and Pierre’s your uncle.

Chew on a rat filet mignon steak acquired from the most exclusive boucheries you can find in the sprawling French capital.

There’s nothing better than to attend a theatre show after dinner.

Send your postcard with your name and phone number to : P.O. Box 4391, 23 Rue de Salop, Paris, France

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