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Obama: “When I Lie, That’s the Truth”

Jenny Tyle
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Obama: “When I Lie, That’s the Truth”

“Friends, Romans, Commmies. I am your Comrade in Chief. Everything I have said in the past and will say in the future may be a big lie but it is in fact a truth because you all believe what I say. That’s what makes a lie a truth. Jeez, I’m just too good at it, and I can’t stop even if I tried,” President Obama was then patted on his back by some fellow Democrats hanging around.

Most Americans were however not shocked by the revelation that everything about President Obama is an actual lie.

“It’s the old Soviet technique of repetition. If you repeat a lie enough times, it becomes the truth,” former White House aide, Seymour Butt, told CNN.

Record Company Orders Miley Cyrus to Have Mouth Sewn Shut

Jenny Tyle
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Record Company Orders Miley Cyrus to Have Mouth Sewn Shut

The RCA record executive in charge of Miley Cyrus, Levi Baumberg, told MTV on Sunday night: “We had to do something about the tongue. Sales have been plummeting since she started sticking that thing out, and all the other stuff she does. She has a flat behind and also looks ridiculous when she is shaking it in the cameras. Her tongue scares her audience who are predominantly little pre-pubescant girls from the age of 4-12 and offends the parents of these children. I told her either it’s a sewing job or we drop her from the roster. She doesn’t sing her songs anyway so the sewing job will make no difference to the songs she never wrote.”

Miley Cyrus will be flown to Beijing, China tomorrow where she will undergo the cosmetic operation.

“We chose China because they are experts in sewing peoples’ mouths shut. Don’t worry fans she’ll be back miming by the end of next week,” the executive added.

Ed Miliband Calls For Marxist Bolshevik Revolution

Jenny Tyle
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Ed Miliband Calls For Marxist Bolshevik Revolution

Speaking from his £1.6 million dacha in Golders Green Comrade Miliband revealed his 5-year Soviet plan: “Comrades, Red Unions and Red champagne socialists, commanders and political instructors, men and women workers, men and women collective farmers, intellectuals, brothers and sisters in the enemy rear who have temporarily fallen under the yoke of the Conservative brigands, our glorious men and women guerrillas who are disrupting the rear of the vile capitalist invaders! I beseech you to follow me into Marxist rule once again.

“I pledge an extra 25 grams of chocolate rations per year for all our strong bolshevik fighters, our brave long-term unemployed state welfare voters, and of course how could I forget, I vow to find and track down any foreseeable threat to my rule, and hang them from the lamp posts across Soviet Britain, that includes my treacherous brother David who I will dispose of personally.

“Let the victorious banner of the great Brown fly over your heads!  Utter destruction to the Conservative invaders!  Death to the Conservative armies of occupation!  Long live our glorious motherland, her freedom and her independence!  Under the banner of Brown-onward to victory!”

Obama Off to Hawaii During U.S. Gov. Shut Down

Jenny Tyle
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Obama Off to Hawaii During U.S. Gov. Shut Down

The President was seen boarding Air Force One today as he escaped the vicious battle that has emerged over his radical health care reforms.

Michelle Obama will follow with her entourage later on in the week and the family dog will also be flown in on a seperate jet costing U.S taxpayers $43 million.

“Looks like he did a cut and run. Needs to get outta dodge. Surfs up in Hawaii, maybe the prez might catch some tubes this time of year,” a political commentator told the Political Matrix website.

Mrs Obama’s entourage will include hair stylists, astrologers, pedicurists, nutritionists and a travelling circus to entertain the kids. The security detail is so enormous that all the 5 star hotels in Hawaii are completely booked up.

British NHS Better Than American Health Care

Jenny Tyle
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0
British NHS Better Than American Health Care

World Health Organisation officials who flew into Britain last week were shocked to see the degradation and poverty of some parts of Britain’s NHS, but they still think it is better than America’s expensive creaking lackluster health care system.

“We analysed many different factors and indices to give a very damning report on American health care. As a whole it is far too expensive for most people to even contemplate receiving any treatment. How can anyone justify getting an eye drop for $65 or an x-ray for $435? Health insurance in the U.S. even without Obamacare is pricing millions out of a human right, whereas in the UK, if you need any procedure, scans or medicine it is free. That’s why we applaud the UK who allow health tourism for millions of people from the Third World and poor Eastern European countries to come over and use its services every year. The NHS is the world’s freest health service and even though it is straining with the vast volume of recipients it is still there..barely,” Dr. Jenny Allenson, the visiting WHO official revealed.

In America, a health insurance premium for a family of four costs over $38,000 per annum which does not include additional costs incurred, in stark contrast, in the UK there is no cost for health care under the NHS. Under Obamacare, some states have already seen a rise of over 250% for working families in health care costs. President Obama says this is crucial so that the 48 million Americans on food stamps can get full health care for free.

Thankfully for South Americans and Mexicans, when Obamacare comes into operation and additionally the illegal alien amnesty is pushed through, millions more will get some necessary free health care.

Jesus to Land On Earth Tomorrow at 06.15 (UTC)

Jenny Tyle
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Jesus to Land On Earth Tomorrow at 06.15 (UTC)

Pastor Reb Butler for the Baptist Episcopal Jesus Mission in Selena Heights, Wisconsin, situated 13 km from Milwaukee is preparing his flock right now for the Jesus landing tomorrow.

Thousands of Christians are flying to Jerusalem, Israel to witness the amazing miracle.

“We are very well prepared and have all brought our own horns to hail his re-entry into the earth’s atmosphere. Jesus will come into the atmosphere at an angle of 40 degrees at a supersonic speed of approximately 17,000 miles per hour. We estimate his landing point as Golgotha, Jerusalem, as foretold in the Scriptures; the place where he was crucified by the Romans over 2000 years ago.

“After he lands, he will break bread with his followers and then the land of men will be complete once again. He may even start walking across a pond or two. He could be used in sea rescue operations or as an envoy of God to starving Africa. Imagine feeding 230 million starving Africans with one slice of bread. As for the wine industry, that will be bankrupted when Jesus sets foot back on earth because he will just change jugs of water into the finest Beaujolais vintage ever tasted.”

It is not certain if Jesus will fly into the earth’s atmosphere head or feet first? Some Biblical scholars are also not sure if he will be able to converse with the American Christian flock who come to see him arrive.

Episcopal church scholar, Father Dwaine S. Hammatam, is certain the Son of God will speak Aramaic to his flock.

“Jesus will speak in the Aramaic language but because he is the risen Son of God, his words will be understood by Americans because he will use special Godlike telepathic powers to make us understand. So we will hear his words in Aramaic, but understand those words as if spoken by some guy in Reno, Nevada.”

Obama to Republicans: “If You’re Not With Me You’re a Terrorist?”

Jenny Tyle
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0
Obama to Republicans: “If You’re Not With Me You’re a Terrorist?”

“I think Republicans are the new Muslims. George W. Bush succeeded in demonising them for years so I want to do the same with the Republicans. Either you’re with us or you’re with the terrorists. Obamacare is the right way and you’re a terrorist if you disagree with it,” President Obama commented in the White House’s Rose garden yesterday.

As civil war threatens to engulf Capitol Hill, there are Republican senators conducting 16 hour speeches to try and stop Obamacare.

“You can talk all you want but it only amounts to terrorism. So what if America is bankrupted because of Obamacare. At least the poor were finally treated for their ailments,” the President added.

New Tech Company Banana Threatens Apple With Amazing Future Sales

Jenny Tyle
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0
New Tech Company Banana Threatens Apple With Amazing Future Sales

Tech writer Giles Geblome, for Tech Wire magazine is scared for Apple: “When I saw Banana I immediately thought about Apple. Banana’s innovative products are so much more streamlined, efficient and tactile. Apple may have met its nemesis in Banana. Banana has truly rocked Apple to the core.”

Some of Banana’s products are so innovative that many tech people cannot get their minds around how they work.

“I think Banana is the future. Apple not so much anymore. If Steve Jobs was alive today, he would look at Banana and say, ‘How do I peel it?’ I know for certain Steve liked to take things and make ’em his own, just like every artist does,” Geblome added.

Banana is to officially release their products in January 2014 on New Year’s Day so better start queuing now.

NSA Operative Bugged Own Grandmother

Jenny Tyle
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0
NSA Operative Bugged Own Grandmother

“I just had to do it. I felt compelled to find out if she was baking the right kind of cakes. I also found out that the old bag does not intend to leave me anything in her will when she croaks. That’s why I just set the IRS on her,” the anonymous operative confessed to CNN.

According to reports about the spying, there is so much information now in the NSA databases that only one percent is readable.

“We spied on so many people that it would take literally five million years to read all the data. We just don’t have the staff for that,” NSA head, Dwight D. Salinger recently told a Congressional hearing in Washington.

Sugar Will Have His Pound of English Flesh

Jenny Tyle
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0
Sugar Will Have His Pound of English Flesh

Don’t mess with Lord Sugar is the message being put out here and today he had some choice words to say about Ms English’s precipitous fall.

“I will buy with you, sell with you, talk with you, walk with you, and so following; but I will not eat with you, drink with you, nor pray with you. Now if you don’t mind, I want my pound of flesh from English by next Tuesday.”

Alas the English rose hath been tarnished by the bitter after taste of Sugar.

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