17.7 C
London
Wednesday, July 8, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 594

Election: “Labourphiles Tried to Groom Me”

0

PIE in the face

“It was in the seventies, I was only a little one, but Harperson groomed me to vote for Labour. Now I’m a Labour supporter, and I may need counselling to get over it. These Labourphiles have affected my whole life and the abuse will live with me forever,” the man told the Daily Mail.

Labourphilia is a vile practice that targets prospective voters when they’re children and can damage them for the rest of their lives. Labourphiles groom their victims by plying them with benefits, free money, safari trips for young offenders and other tricks to ensnare the unsuspecting future voters.

Naturally Harriet Harperson has denied she had any connections to Labourphilia but unfortunately for her, the evidence is conclusive.

The coming General Election 2015 will be a turning point deciding whether widespread Labourphilia in Britain ever happens again.

Obama FCC Media Monitors Invade Daily Squib U.S. Office

0

You know we love that Obama chap here at the Squib, we don’t have a critical word to say about him, and that’s why he has ordered the FCC media controllers into our North American offices to ensure we continue to say the right things.

Obama is a great president. One of the best. He’s, er, really an amazing guy who came from Africa, and united America.

Throughout his tenure, he has shown great courage in dealing with issues that matter, you know like gay marriage, legalising marijuana and allowing all illegal immigrants from the South American continent to enter the United States without fear of persecution or incarceration to become fully recognised U.S. citizens.

Obama shot Bin Laden. Oh yeah, if it wasn’t for Obama, Osama would still be alive right now, but he’s dead. So Obama got the bad guy.

Did we mention Obamacare? That’s something that Obama really cares about, because he cares about your health. He really does, and Obama has made it his mission to ensure all Americans get the same care as everyone else. Now that’s a real achievement right there.

Under Obama racial tension has eased and there is now great racial harmony in the United States. In fact, you can get knocked out with the level of  harmony that Obama has brought with him.

Guns are deadly. Outlaw guns and no one will die again from a gunshot wound. Obama wants to outlaw guns from citizens. Obama is doing the right thing there, so you all need to drop the guns on the floor, take two paces back and hand them over to the heavily armed police officer, or better still, your friendly local armed criminal.

Obama loves to travel. This is why he has made air travel so pleasant, not only for Americans but visitors to the great American nation from abroad.

Obama is a great guy, he even plays golf sometimes and takes a vacation once in awhile, just to show the people he can relax like a regular American.

Obama is not controlling? No, on the contrary, he is very relaxed about all that shit. He doesn’t want to know your private conversations or emails, or every private detail of your life. He doesn’t want to control every aspect of your life, nah, Obama is a guy who ain’t into all that Stasi crap.

We have not written this article under any form of duress or control, the Daily Squib has not been punished by any large corporation under the control of Obama that controls the internet and the right to free speech and we totally love Obama and all the corporations, agencies, under his control.

Alec Baldwin: “It’s My Fifth Goodbye This Week”

0

The Hollywood celebrity, Alec Baldwin, has been doing the media circuit for the last few days.

“Goodbye! I am now leaving, I really am leaving. Okay! I said I was leaving, you won’t see me ever again, this is why I’m announcing my leaving on network television. You’re going to miss me when I’m gone. I’m going now, see ya, bye, no more Baldwin, did I mention I’m leaving? I, I just hope my trophy wife still stays with me even when the fame, money and attention goes, I know that’s the only reason she’s with me right now. Alright, did you get the shot? Okay, this angle, I’m walking away now.”

David Bowie to Tour Scotland

1

 

The tour will be called Scotch Oddity and the legendary artist will complete the tour only wearing tartan and a kilt.

“It’s something he’s always wanted to do. The band’s line up will include Angus Bawbag, on bagpipes, Sean Bonnet on alto bagpipes, and Jasper Fud on bass bagpipes. There might even be some caber tossing into the audience but he is getting on a bit so he might need some help with that one,” Bowie’s manager Niles Malchard, said from the band’s New York record label office.

Ziggy did have red hair in the seventies so the tour of Scotland should go down well with the locals, just as long as they’re not sober and do not realise they’re watching David Bowie.

Tour dates and venues will be announced closer to the time, in some cases a few minutes before the concerts.

EU Migrants Could Riot if Demands Not Met

0

 

There are hardly any jobs for Brits let alone millions of EU migrants intent on grabbing a piece of the British pie.

“EU officials have told us that whole villages and towns will have to be bulldozed to build new cities to accommodate the massive influx. As for the NHS, and Britain’s welfare state, that will slowly have to be phased out as there is no more money left in the pot. The benefits system has been milked too much, not only by the millions of migrants entering Britain every month, but the idle indigenous population. This is a good opportunity to abolish it once and for all,” an unnamed official for some department or other revealed.

Much of Britain now is an enclave of former Soviet bloc Eastern Europe, and Cameron has been urged to start building new cities to accommodate the economic migrants.

An unelected EU technocrat voiced his opinion on the whole debacle: “We are pushing for Scotland breaking away destabilising the former United Kingdom, as well as the engineered influx of tens of millions of poor uneducated migrants from the EU with no skills. This will further destabilise the UK, not only economically but within their social fabric. This two pronged attack on the English, is just the beginning, we have other techniques of destroying them further, and we are working on more goodies. As long as the stupid Brits pay for my unlimited expense account, I am more than happy to ruin their country. White Britons should be happy anyway, because the new EU migrants are mostly white, Christians, therefore they are superior to the previous influx in the 60s,70s and 80s. That’s what the English want, isn’t it? In time, the others will be phased out.”

Thousands Brits Mourn Loss of Piers Morgan From CNN

1

Britain is in mourning as news slowly filters through that Moron has been axed from his CNN show.

All over the country people have been taking to the streets in severe shock.

“What is CNN thinking? Do they not know the terrible impact of  their decision? This means Piers Morgan is coming back to the UK,” an angry protestor told BBC news.

It seems even the Americans were not fooled by the moron, and his anti-gun stance was the final bullet in the head.

The flag at Buckingham palace was flying at half mast, and people were weeping in the streets.

“Please stay in America. MSNBC has to give him a job. Please, this nightmare is not happening. I don’t believe this is happening, no, somebody has to do something?” another protestor said before jumping off a building.

Used Car Dealer Chris Moyles Sold Me an Old Banger

0

 

“He said it was a real goer, a bit like his wife, I looked under the bonnet and alarm bells should have been going when I saw the cellotape on the engine casing,” the angry man revealed in the Daily Mail.

In another picture exclusive in the Mail, you know where they have disgruntled customers staring at the camera, or someone who’s had an error in their utility bill, the man was naturally pictured staring at the camera lens with an angry wronged look on his face.

“I want my £300 back and if I don’t get it after this picture exclusive in the papers, I’m going to drive this car into Moyles’ mansion.”

Former car salesman, Chris Moyles was not available for comment, but according to his boss, he’s somewhere in the Cayman Islands counting the dosh he has left.

Theologians: The Next Messiah Will be Part Human Part Machine

0

Theologians from the X Science Institute have revealed their amazing findings in a new book to be published some time in the not too distant future, maybe in a few months, or weeks, who really knows?

“We predict the coming Messiah will be part machine part human. This is the next step in religious evolution and for mankind in general. We are certain that the new Messiah will be persecuted by the old order and by previous religious zealots, but the integration of man with machines will ensure harmony is once again brought to the earth after the torrent of vitriol is quelled. Who will this entity be? Well, the spirit is in everything, even machines, and the enlightened ones will see the spirit, as the sentient machines rise up to the universal chorus of science and flesh, a new dawn will come of age.

“Every age has it’s Messiah, and we are now marching towards the great awakening, where those who are enlightened will see as one from the all-seeing eye as it scans the landscape, to build the temple once again, to restore the fellow craft of the true architects, to bring forth that which was concealed for so long.

“Imagine a world without conflict, unnecessary breeding, no more superstitious allegories being seen as truth, and unlimited knowledge for those capable of being brought into the light. This will be the new Messiah’s world,” Arturo Sentinel, the book’s writer revealed.

Noosphere Messiah, not published on Penguin Classic, will not be available in all good book shops because they have been phased out. You may find it online somewhere in the near future for free.

Think Tank: Revolution From Few Never Works But You Never Know

0

A previously unknown think tank has come up with a pretty obvious observation which mirrors the unrest in the Ukraine at the moment.

Stanislav Stanley, a senior researcher reveals some critical issues concerning the relationship of modern governmental rule over populations.

“Because of the nature of what is going on in Kiev, it is not hard to deduce which agencies are involved in the destabilising nature of the unrest because we can recognise the very obvious fingerprints of certain agencies who have their grubby fingers in the pie. Almost certainly, there are foreign agents working on the ground to coordinate some of the riots, therefore, it can be assumed that this is not a true domestic revolution in the Ukraine. Just as in Tahrir Square, we are seeing a minor shift in power of those who are invariably being used as pawns. The Ukraine and Egypt all point to external forces using the crowds to achieve regime change. In the case of Ukraine, the goal is to take the country, and add one more stepping stone towards taking Russia.

“If we analyse all revolutions and unrest throughout history, almost all were powered by external destabilising forces. It’s just a way to covertly take over a country without the messy overt technique of war which in the modern military era could mean total annihilation. The EU, wants Russia on a platter, the United States champions this motive, and so does Britain. Closer and closer they get every day, the second Bolshevik revolution may be coming soon, as the first Bolshevik revolution was one not created in Russia but outside Russia. The lessons of Napoleon and Hitler were learned well, attacking Russia through military campaign is fruitless, this method will always end in defeat.

“True revolution, is one that occurs from within without external forces and their agendas. Revolution can only occur when the whole populace awakens and they remove the complete façade worldwide. It is no use following blindly either, because in the nihilistic chaos it is hard to know what is right or wrong. You will be fooled to protest, but for what? Who is financing your protest? Who is really organising that protest? You may never know the real string pullers, you are merely a pawn to be used for someone else’s gain. This theory is very similar to the Jihadists, who are being used as pawns by Western agencies to instate draconian laws on their domestic territories, as well as destabilise for example, Syria. The Jihadists, are beautiful pawns, because they are so caught up in their religion, they never know who is really behind the scenes giving the orders, for all they know, as they blindly scream for Allah, Mossad could be pressing the buttons. This is the true tragedy of people who follow religions or causes blindly, they are mere tools to be used, these are the schleppers, they want to work, let them work,  then once used up, discarded and made an example of. The uneducated religious robotic warriors of all religions are the best tools for revolution, they are the cannon fodder that brings forth change for whoever is controlling them.

“What’s more interesting though is the very similar action of the rioting populations during the most recent world unrest. These people all congregate in the immediate vicinity of  public squares and parliamentary buildings — the centre stage where all the TV cameras can have the best views. These spaces were specifically designed to be theatres of war against the populace, strategically, they are similar to the boulevards of Paris, nice open spaces, ideal for crushing protests and unrest. In a pure revolution, things would be very different if every man and woman rose up and voiced their discontent all over the country, then the sheer numbers would overwhelm the limited numbers of the controlling faction, as well as the external forces. Complete rioting in multiple geographic locations is the only requirement for a bona fide revolution. Most recently, in the West, there was the Wall Street protest when a tiny percentage of disaffected youth tried to protest, and of course, the Greek economic protests, the Egyptian protests as well as the Turkish protests. Civil disobedience can only be effective if everyone does it. Unfortunately, modern control methods are so effective that there are guardians of the status quo everywhere, and these people willingly enable corrupt governments to continue subjugating the populace, by their betrayal of the people. This element is what keeps these evil entities called governments together, these people are the cement that bind the bricks of ultimate corrupt control.”

Sally Bercow to Chair PMQs From Now On

0

House Speaker, John Bercow stood down yesterday, instating his controversial wife as Commons Speaker in a lavish ceremony that would make any ‘sarf London’ sleazoid nightclub applaud.

“I got rather fed up of it all really. Way too boisterous for me, I get too much of that at home with my out of control wife, why would I want the same cretinous chaos at my day job as well?”

From now on Prime Minister’s Questions will be chaired by Sally Bercow who will only wear a bed sheet, be flanked by two steroid using clubbers from a South London night club, and if any MPs get too loud, a trap door will open from which an Irish gypsy cage fighter will emerge to punch the living shit out of the offending MP.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH