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Computer Caught Programming Human

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Computer Caught Programming Human

The offending computer, was caught programming a human last week and has been quarantined in a secure facility somewhere in Nevada.

“I was using my computer, and I realised that my normal human thought processes were being conditioned to work like a programmed computer,” the shocked man recalled.

He is now in recovery, but may take some time to get back to normal.

Psychologist, Dr. Luther Spectrum, has written of the phenomenon in a recent book: “In essence the modern and past ages are all about programming. If one has been educated in any way, they have been programmed to function within a specific field. Their role is therefore to work in that job, to serve their programmers with tax revenue until they are either not needed or they die. You were educated not to think for yourself from your school days, if you ever heard the words ‘repeat after me’ that is proof that you were programmed not to think. Computers are no different. Who is programming who, you tell the computer to complete a command, however you have had to bend your human brain to think like a machine to programme the machine. The operating syntax may have initially been created by one human or many different ones, but they had to think like machines to create the framework. Your broad spectrum of human thoughts and emotion, are siphoned off and altered to accommodate the world of the internet and machines. This fundamental alteration is the key to controlling your behaviour and boxing your human capabilities into a limited spectrum of thought, a much more pliable and ultimately programmable state. The same applies to anything you watch on television, any film you watch is meticulously designed to lead the viewer to a certain outcome. As for politics, you are made to believe you have a choice, but in reality the surreptitiously created outcome is the same whichever way you may have voted. You were born into a religion as a child, moulded and programmed so that you could be tied down for the rest of your life within a certain tribal group, crippled to be controlled as the programmers please. You have to be happy at all times. That’s your life’s goal because if you knew the truth, you would not be so happy any more.”

Experts: China Going Bust Who’s Going to Buy U.S. Debt?

Henry VII
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Experts: China Going Bust Who’s Going to Buy U.S. Debt?

As the calls come in to ‘fill yer boots’ with physical gold, the cracks are now showing as China straddles a deficit of $28 Trillion, coupled with president Obama engineering a U.S. debt deficit of $18 Trillion, one wonders who’s going to pay for it all?

Go to any major Chinese city and you will see the empty skyscrapers scraping the sky, they’re there but not really there as most Chinese citizens cannot afford to live in them. Built by developers on cheap credit, they are now floundering in the dark seeking a lifeline for their major mistake, pity it will probably never come.

The Germans want their gold back from American vaults, unfortunately, it is not there any more and they will simply have to eat the big one on that.

Pumping the QE even further is America’s only hope to stay afloat, but every time they do it they get more into debt and devalue their currency further. Sure Yellen has tapered a little, but confidence is fast disappearing from this former North American economic powerhouse.

“Obama could utilise the coming collapse to his advantage, especially with disarming U.S. citizens completely. Governmental organisations have been buying up vast amounts of ammunition, practising for what comes next in life size model U.S. cities and shooting targets depicting everyday American citizens. The drones come thick over American cities blanketing the skies watching every inch of space, the agencies monitor all communications looking for dissent, riots, in other words they’re looking for what they want. The set-up has been a long time coming, and as China falters, who will be left to buy American debt? There will be no one left, and this will mean that America will have to come to the cold hard realisation that it has been living beyond its means for decades. America is a very resourceful innovative nation, they can get out of many situations but maybe the collapse of the fiat currency could spell the final death knell for the former empire. Adios, chums see you in the bunkers, that is if you have the money, otherwise it’s going to be back to the Wild West — the true America,” a senior analyst at a Chicago commodities exchange firm told CNN.

NekNominate Just Another Word For Darwin Award

Henry VII
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NekNominate Just Another Word For Darwin Award

 

 

New drinking craze NekNominate has been nominated simply as a regressive evolutionary process of the infamous Darwin Award.

“This is just another form of Darwin Awardism, where the gene pool is efficiently cleaned out. Step aside, there’s nothing to see here just more idiots who are doing the honourable thing and removing themselves from the planet,” evolutionary scientist, professor Nick Nommin told New Scientist magazine.

The only difference between NekNominate and the Darwin Awards is that Darwin Awards are more creative pieces of work whereas NekNomination is simply people drinking themselves to death.

The Daily Squib staff do not do NekNominate, we just live in the pub, there’s a difference..er..we’re still living we think..hic..

Gender Aware Facebook Campus Has 56 Types of Toilet

Henry VII
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Gender Aware Facebook Campus Has 56 Types of Toilet

The toilet facilities which take up one and a half floors of the Facebook Palo Alto HQ, have been hailed as a breakthrough in gender labelling and equality.

“It can get a little confusing though, but there is an interactive gender toilet map every two feet and there are signs on the door. Yesterday I caught a Gender Fluid going into a Non-binary toilet and reprimanded them on the spot. If you go in the wrong toilet, an alarm will sound and you may have to pay a small fine. The toilets are clearly signed therefore there should be no room for mistakes,” Arturro Maginix, who changed his/her name to X3672-A9 two weeks ago, told MSNBC.

Here is a full list of the toilets and their corresponding numbers:

  1. Agender
  2. Androgyne
  3. Androgynous
  4. Bigender
  5. Cis
  6. Cis Female
  7. Cis Male
  8. Cis Man
  9. Cis Woman
  10. Cisgender
  11. Cisgender Female
  12. Cisgender Male
  13. Cisgender Man
  14. Cisgender Woman
  15. Female to Male
  16. FTM
  17. Gender Fluid
  18. Gender Nonconforming
  19. Gender Questioning
  20. Gender Variant
  21. Genderqueer
  22. Intersex
  23. Male to Female
  24. MTF
  25. Neither
  26. Neutrois
  27. Non-binary
  28. Other
  29. Pangender
  30. Trans
  31. Trans Female
  32. Trans Male
  33. Trans Man
  34. Trans Person
  35. Trans Woman
  36. Trans*
  37. Trans* Female
  38. Trans* Male
  39. Trans* Man
  40. Trans* Person
  41. Trans* Woman
  42. Transfeminine
  43. Transgender
  44. Transgender Female
  45. Transgender Male
  46. Transgender Man
  47. Transgender Person
  48. Transgender Woman
  49. Transmasculine
  50. Transsexual
  51. Transsexual Female
  52. Transsexual Male
  53. Transsexual Man
  54. Transsexual Person
  55. Transsexual Woman
  56. Two-spirit.

President Obama has welcomed the new gender labelling drive and seeks to establish the system in all American High Schools before the end of his term in office finally rolling out nationally for all public rest rooms.

“You guys wanted jobs right? Well, building millions more toilets will create more employment. Let’s move. Get to work people,” the president said yesterday.

Help My New Eco House Just Got Flooded

Henry VII
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Help My New Eco House Just Got Flooded

If there ever was proof of global warming this is it. I built my Eco house last June to much praise from my Eco chums only to see it washed away this morning in a biblical flood that would make a Christian devotee nod his/her head in confirmation of the fictional Noah story.

You see, here we are in little old Blighty doing all those little Eco things to save the environment but we’re not thinking globally. What use is any Eco drive on this tiny island when you have countries like China and the USA pumping out tonnes of pollutants into the atmosphere daily? Do we not realise that those pollutants travel around the globe’s atmosphere?

Here’s a small thought, 1.6 billion Chinese people want to drive SUVs, they need all the mod cons, add in the Americans with their SUVs and lest we forget the Russians. How about the billions of factory farms, and the millions of factories churning out tonnes of heavy chemicals high up into the atmosphere on a daily basis? Last I looked America uses up 60% of the earth’s resources, now that’s one country! Please excuse me but shouldn’t America be classified as a world parasite, its greed is disproportionate to its benefit?

So all you Eco heads in the UK, you may think you’re doing something right, but the chemicals and carcinogens are pushed high into the atmosphere where they travel around the earth and slowly blanket the surface with poisonous malevolence. The pesticides, the steroids, the bisphenol A, the heavy metals you all ingest daily, you cannot see unless you are medically analysed. It’s in the air you breathe, it’s in the water you drink, it’s in a health conscious mother’s womb, and further more, no Eco drive in the UK will make a blind bit of difference because the factories and traffic are still churning out the stuff globally, even if the UK stops. Unless you have access to the latest chelation equipment that our masters use, and they’re exclusive food and water supply, it’s futile. By all means try and eat healthily while the skies are being sprayed daily, at least your outward appearance will please you, but if the polar bears are contaminated in the Antarctic what chance do you have?

Here I sit in a flood, my Eco house has washed away, and I look up to the atmosphere as more poisons created by industrial greed and overpopulation rain down on my head.

Ah, I just saw Harry and William on a day out, I feel much better now, help is finally at hand.

Romanian Benefits Cheat Has Benefits Restored After Learning English

Henry VII
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Romanian Benefits Cheat Has Benefits Restored After Learning English

Djargo Romenescu, a convicted benefits cheat who swindled £200,000 of benefits last year, could not speak English when he was arrested in January.

After a two week stay in prison for his crime where he learned to speak English, he was allowed to continue receiving benefits equating to £48,000 per annum and was upgraded to a four bedroom end of terrace house in a posh part of town.

“He said he was sorry, we allowed him to keep the 200k and have reinstated his benefits in full. He speaks perfect English now, and jokes with us about his numerous bank accounts, even detailing the off shore holdings he has in Jersey,” the man’s benefits officer for Reading council told the BBC.

Convicted Romanian benefits cheat, Mr Romenescu was naturally delighted: “I love Britain, come brother come sister, they give us everything here. God bless you British mugs.”

The recent EU migrant plans to bring his extended family of 3580 to Britain in July and his generosity does not end there, he has even pledged £2.60 to flood hit residents in Somerset.

Ray Kurzweil Says That Cyborgs Will Not Be Able to Fart

Henry VII
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Ray Kurzweil Says That Cyborgs Will Not Be Able to Fart

Futurist and supreme Google brain god, Ray Kurzweil, has admitted in a recent Wired magazine article that cyborgs or transhumans will not be able to pass wind anymore.

“Let’s reference Moore’s law for a second, and if we plot the exponential technological curve to the highest point, divide that by the circumference of both indices whilst eating a plate of beans, the ratio to sequential posterior gas ejection may exceed the post bean digestive movement through the lower intestine, exiting the rectum with a loud gaseous ripping sound. But in less than thirty years I foresee post-humans not finding any necessity to fart. I mean when you do not have an intestinal tract, there would be no need to blow raspberries anymore. We may miss the wonderful relieving sounds of letting one go, it is so satisfying and how about those wonderful embarrassed looks in elevators, but there may be synthetic farting, virtual reality arse burps, as for replicating the awful smells, that’s something for future programmers to work out. I’m sure if the necessary neurons  are stimulated by brain chips, the brain can be tricked into smelling anything it wants, just as long as it’s your own bottom gas and not some other synthetic being’s unholy stimuli.”

Flood Photo Ops Flooding Everywhere

Henry VII
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Flood Photo Ops Flooding Everywhere

“There is a lot of flooding going on as you can see from the photos of assorted politicians and celebrities posing in flooding photos. We never see them any other time,” a flooded resident of Surrey said from underneath six feet of rain water.

News reporters have been firmly ensconced in rubber dinghies all over the country flooding newspapers with pictures of politicians pointing purposely.

“We had twelve of them in this stretch of flood water yesterday but today haven’t seen any of them. I’m like a wildlife photographer,” a Daily Mail photo journalist revealed in another politician picture special.

Increasing Number of Women Insist on Credit Checks This Valentine’s

Henry VII
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Increasing Number of Women Insist on Credit Checks This Valentine’s

 

As if it wasn’t hard enough for men already, a new national survey has revealed that millions of women are getting credit reports on prospective partners.

Mavis Longleat, a dating consultant is not surprised in the least.

“The main focus is on how much cash the man is capable of spending on you before you let him into the pearly palace. Especially on Valentine’s Day, a man has to prove that he has the right credit. If he doesn’t splash the cash, dinners, shopping and gifts, move on to the next one. It costs a man about £200 to get a woman into bed, but you can milk that for longer by leading the poor bastard along even further. ”

What’s on the top of the list this Valentine’s Day? The survey revealed that credit card gifts from men with high spending limits was desired most. A single rose or a poem, maybe a tentative kiss was nowhere to be seen.

Valentine’s Credit

1) Barclays Premier Card with money back points will put a big smile on her face, especially when she walks into the hand bag shop

2) HSBC credit card, comes with air miles for more long distance shopping trips

3) Egg credit card, a bit like the egg on a man’s face when he sees the f*cking bill after being dumped because the credit limit was hit

4) Tesco credit card, the lucky lady will get points every time she uses it but the man gets no points, he might get a shag after the third or fourth date, only after she’s cleaned out his account completely

5) American Express, for that special Valentine’s experience. Give one of these to a girl and you’ll be in like Flynn

Bouncers From Exclusive Club Reprimanded For Unnecessary Brutality

Henry VII
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Bouncers From Exclusive Club Reprimanded For Unnecessary Brutality

Bouncers from an exclusive West London night club have been reprimanded by council officials for their unnecessary hard edged bouncing style.

The exclusive club called Mathikki, serves cocktails that cost thousands of pounds, but things can get a little hairy if the bouncers don’t like the look of you at the door.

“We have a very exclusive clientèle who attend our premises, therefore if you’re not part of the right bloodline, it’s orf with your head,” Red Mist Harry, one of the bouncers in question told the Kensington Advertiser.

The three offending bouncers, Red Mist Harry, Box Ears Charlie, and Crazy Tooth Willy are notorious in the bouncing profession for not taking any nonsense.

“I saw one chap, he tried to walk in and said he was the owner of Harrods even showing a badge. They took one look at him and flung him in the dustbin, then told him to go back to Egypt. There used to be four bouncers at the door, but last I heard, Lippy Phil is doing a stretch in Sandringham,” a local resident revealed.

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