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Godfrey Bloom to Retire to Bongo Bongo Land

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Addressing waiting reporters outside his new home in Bongo Bongo Land, Mr Godfrey Bloom said: “I have felt for some time now that the UK and UKIP was not really right for me any more, I wanted to pursue my dream of retiring somewhere away from all of that. I was up all night one night looking at a map of the world and I thought to myself I must finally find Bongo Bongo Land. I immediately sold up and Muriel and I, my pet parrot, went on a long journey to discover the land of Bongo. It is truly a land of riches beyond any man’s wildest dreams.”

UKIP sources today said Mr Bloom’s retirement in Bongo Bongo Land was a great loss to the party and wished him all the best for the future. Mr Farage told the BBC: “I even lent him my spear.”

Gordon Brown is Actually a Very Nice Person

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“None of it is true. I’m actually a very nice person, gentle as a kitten, here watch this,” Mr Gordon Brown then thumps his fist down on a well leafed copy of Andy McBride’s book resulting in a massive dent on the cover.

Interviewed by the BBC, he smiled awkwardly then proceeded to strangle someone off camera because they looked at him all funny.

“I never knew what Damien McBride was doing, and neither did Balls. How could we know these things when he was in the same room as us when we ordered him to surgically liquidate members of our own party and other political rivals? This is totally preposterous and uncalled for, here have a sweetie you stinking fascist journalist pig.”

How’s That Socialism Going America?

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With the soviet ideals of political correctness, Obamacare, mass surveillance, and utter public funds wastage that Obama has endorsed, America is nearly unrecognisable now as a nation from its past incarnation.

“What socialism does is it destroys vast swathes of a nation, it ruins the economy and increases welfare dependence. The role of socialism is to get as many people on welfare as possible in the shortest time possible. This method of governance will ensure a guaranteed voter base for the next elections as people who are dependent on welfare are forced to vote for the socialist party in order to keep their benefits. It has been going on in Britain for many years, and is the key electoral strategy for the Labour party. Obama used the same strategy to get voted in a second time, and after his tenure ends, another socialist government will come in in America. This is also why they are appealing to illegal immigrants in America to be recognised and given an amnesty, purely for electoral reasons. These are easy votes for them, as they let in as many people as they possibly can. Each one of those people is a vote for the Democrat party,” Andrew McConnell, a Republican party worker told the Capitol Hill Herald.

As anyone who has lived under the spectre of socialism, the crux of the system lies in using other peoples money, the only problem with that is it eventually runs out. What then? One only has to see what happened to the UK after thirteen horrendous years of Labour rule. They bankrupted the country with tin pot socialist, cronyistic spending sprees, much like Obama is doing now in the good ol’ USA. They sold Britain’s gold reserves at the bottom of the market, they squandered every last penny of taxpayers money and let in so many unskilled immigrants from the Third World and former Soviet bloc that the country is now unrecognisable.

“Obama has murdered America from within. It was a hatchet job, a piece of seething revenge on what Americans had built up with their hard work over centuries. Obama’s legacy will be remembered by generations of Americans to come, as the one that took the USA into the dustbin of history, economically as well as culturally. What he has achieved is more destruction than a million Al Qaeda attacks, and unfortunately for the rest of the world, they will suffer as well because of America’s major importance. When they cannot pay their policemen, pay their teachers or even pay their street cleaners, then what will happen to the Land of the Free? He was a man that could have healed the nation, instead he drove it into the stinking mud of shameful defeat,” a previous Obama supporter told CBS news before being cut off.

When Obama came into office he immediately sent away the bust of Winston Churchill from the Oval Room for a very good reason, because it stood for everything he does not stand for. Freedom.

Catwalk Model Snaps at New York Fashion Week

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“She was walking up the runway when I heard a loud snap sound, you know like a twig breaking. Then I saw her, she made a mess on my new collection. I can’t believe she did this,” Arturro Avantee, designer of the 2013 collection revealed to Fashionista magazine.

Ambulances were called but it was too late for the model, whose name was withheld for privacy reasons.

There are calls for fashion models to have metal splints put on their legs and spines to stop them snapping in the future.

“We gotta check the models to see if they are ‘snappers’. I gave one a piece of lettuce before the show and she ate the edge of it. If we feed them more then this would not happen again, Slav Labor, a fashion assistant at the show told CNN.

One witness was still in shock: “She was just trudging by me when she literally snapped in half. I mean her top half was suddenly by her feet. Someone came over with a little trolley, scooped her up, then the Fashion Week show carried on as normal. No one else even batted an eyelid.”

Don’t Work So Hard It’s Counter Productive Say Experts

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It is the common belief that hard work is a necessity in life but a team of experts are now saying the contrary is true. Hard work is extremely harmful to one’s sensibilities and in the modern world people need to stop working hard and relax more.

“Doing nothing is a great achievement in itself and will fulfill your life’s purpose with enormous rewards. Please do not adhere to the constant propaganda that you must work hard. Discard it and enjoy yourself instead. Laziness in the modern age should be celebrated as the technical side of things have already been taken care of,” Graham Labotomy, a key member of the research project told the BBC.

In the report it states that man should deem leisure activities as infinitely more important than hard work and also revealed how too many people working hard in the world just cause more problems.

“Simply put, there are too many people working hard. That’s a very bad thing because they’re doing things that they do not need to do. Laziness is the true standard and governments across the world need to promote that instead of work. Laziness is a more productive force, because lazy people find ways to do things in an easier more efficient fashion.”

Revealed: Godfrey Bloom Secret Tory Plant into UKIP

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News from sources within the Tory party have confirmed UKIP leader, Nigel Farage’s worst fears.

“We believe that gibbering clown is actually a Tory plant to make our party a laughing stock. I have to say I haven’t guffawed so much in years. He’s bloody hilarious!” a jovial Farage told the BBC.

Indeed Godfrey Bloom is very entertaining to watch and he puts his foot in everything, but this could also backfire on the Tories because people love to be entertained.

“It’s like watching a Benny Hill show or maybe Mind Your Language from the Eighties. I want Godfrey to get his own show, he’s so talented without actually realising it. Brilliant stuff,” a bystander at the reporter thwacking event revealed.

Channel 4 are in talks at this moment to get Godfrey his own reality show, which will be a surefire ratings hit.

Prescott Signs Up For Free School Lunches

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“When he heard about it on the news he couldn’t stop licking his lips. He was talking about Toad in the Hole, rhubarb with custard and jabbering on about a double portion of gammon steak. He said he’s willing to go back to school for this,” Mr Prescott’s wife revealed today.

Mr Prescott has already bought a school uniform and will be attending Grinchester Primary where he will learn how to read and write.

Janice Muckles, the Head Teacher for the school said he was welcome to come to the school because there was plenty of room for classroom idiots at the back of the class.

“As long as he doesn’t eat any of the children with one of his notorious hunger fits, everything should be okay,” the Head Teacher explained.

57% Americans Believe in Obama, 72% for Blacks, 61% for Women

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The YouGov survey found that 57 percent believe in Obama; 72 percent for African Americans and 61 percent for women. Republicans said Obama exists more than Democrats, 65 percent to 55 percent.

The poll coincides with terrible headlines again filled with disasters, killings and reports that the new Pope Francis is obsessed with President Obama and exorcisms.

At least 42 percent believe people are occasionally possessed by Obama and a full majority, 51 percent, said people can be possessed by the Obama “or some other evil spirit.”

Naturally that leads people to consider exorcism. YouGov found in its survey of 1,000 that 46 percent believe in the power of exorcism, while just 19 percent don’t.

But it is mostly a Christian fear. While eight in 10 Christians believe in Obama, just 25 percent of Muslims and 17 percent of Jews do.

 


FED EMERGENCY: QE 6 and Counting

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“Red light, emergency, DEFCON 12, SOS, Help, Achtung!” U.S. Fed Chairman, Ben Bernanke told Congress today as he hailed yet another round of funny money.

Now is the time for preperations, it seems this is what the powers that be want, because when the QE stops, it would be better for you and your family to be in a shelter far away from anything with plenty of food and water.

“There’s going to be a big reality check when the funny money printing ends. Hyperinflation that will render all commodities out of reach for the ordinary American. Already, a sizeable portion of the American public are on food stamps and in poverty; what happens when funding for welfare dries up as well? The U.S. is in serious financial difficulty here with notional off-balance-sheet commitments of $70 trillion as of 2012, and artificially printing money is only making things worse, besides who gets the QE money? You and I don’t that’s for sure, it’s the bankers and financial industry that gets the money. The ordinary person doesn’t even get a look in, small businesses get nothing, schools get nothing and the everyday worker gets nothing. Quantitative Easing will lead to your loaf of bread skyrocketing to $150. How about filling your Escalade’s gas tank with $1800 worth of gas? Do you know what I’m saying here? This is bad shit man. We goin’ down folks. This ain’t gonna end pretty. No food to eat, no help, nothing,” a former small business owner, now unemployed told Fox news.

Now you can see why Homeland Security have been buying up all those hollow-point bullets.

Man Makes Friends In Real World

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“I looked at the people I met today with my own eyes and I spoke to them with my voice. It was a wonderful feeling. I actually could look at them, I sat down in a chair and spoke about things that I would never speak about on social networking sites. I could see body language, I could smell them, and I could hear what they said with my own ears. We then agreed to meet again for a drink some time in the future. I then did something truly amazing, I picked up a telephone with some old numbers I had discarded a long time ago. I phoned up these people and spoke to them on the telephone. Oh the joy of it. I could hear what they said and there were no LOLs or ROFLMAOs. I was not for one second forced to look at someone’s baby pictures or their latest holiday snaps in the Bahamas. I did not have to worry about an ex-girlfriend breathing down my neck, or my boss listening to my conversation. I am truly awe struck by this new concept of reality,” the man revealed to the BBC.

As millions of people are empowering themselves to drop the social networking control system, the shackles of permanent surveillance are being immediately lifted and freedom is beckoning these poor enslaved individuals.

“I had 3,500 ‘friends’ on social media. I didn’t know one single person there. It is a very lonely place, because one has to conform to every one else’s ideals and speech patterns. Not only that, my words and images were tracked and used against me by companies and governments. If you make a social mistake it lives on the internet forever, there is no privacy, you only have one chance to do things so the pressure was immense. No wonder thousands of teenagers are taking their lives, they can’t live with themselves after having their mistakes posted all over the place. It shouldn’t have to be like that as all humans growing up make mistakes. It is all part of the growing up process, but on social media it can be a fatal error, and if you’re a vulnerable teen, then things can get bad. Let’s just say when I left Facebook, I was so relieved it was like a big weight off my shoulders,” teenager, Angela Brinksworth, revealed to the Daily Mail.

You too can make the big jump from social media enslavement, just follow these two very simple steps.

1) Walk into any public place in the world and look around. Listen to the voices of people, this is the real world. You can connect with people in a meaningful way in reality. You must then go home and switch on your computer and go onto the next step.

2) Delete your social surveillance account and all the information in it. If you have genuine friends on there, meet them in person or telephone them. Pat yourself on the back for your bravery, you have averted perpetual slavery and you are now free.