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Obama: No More Guns For You Guys

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“I hereby warrant the 28th Amendment which will overrule the United States 2nd amendment right to bear arms. Too many shootings, too many lives lost. Think of the children. I think it’s about time folks gave up their arms so that we the State can be the only ones with them, and don’t forget the criminals too. Just a slight oversight on that point,” President Obama said from a Washington gun shop today.

News of more deaths from the latest mass shooting immediately brought calls for complete gun control of ordinary Americans.

Senator Feinstein, a staunch anti-gun advocate from the Democrat party immediately stepped in and told reporters: “Mr and Mrs America. We’re going to take your guns. Time’s up, leave them at the door on your way out. When the ATF comes to your homes, just stand aside and comply to their orders. You’ve got two choices, give ’em up or get shot trying to uphold the now defunct 2nd amendment.”

The Obama 28th Amendment will come into law by next Thursday and it simply states that the 2nd Amendment was a big lie.

Al Gore Expedition to North Pole Delayed By Ice

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“In 2007 I predicted that the ice in the North Pole would completely melt by 2013. Well, our expedition has come up against huge walls of new ice growth in the Antarctic and we can’t go ahead because there’s so much frickin’ ice everywhere,” a baffled Mr Gore told local news stations in Alaska where his team has retreated.

Mr Gore’s 2007 film ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ in which he peddled a much hailed green agenda has sadly not come true, however at least he made over $45 million from the film.

“It’s like my mansion in Nashville. I use up more electricity in one day in that place than a regular American uses up in one year. But I want to tell you, it’s for the good of the planet. I’m researching ideas about global warming so that I can make even more money from you suckers. Jeez, it’s freezing in here, Andre get me a blanket, it must be that global warming again.”

Let’s hope the ice caps melt soon so that Mr Gore can be vindicated.

New Device Shows How Many Social Media Likes You Have On Forehead

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“You strap this holographic display device onto your forehead and when you walk the streets, it will display how many likes and social media friends you have. It’s equivalent to a peacock ruffling their feathers, and if you come across someone who is unpopular, i.e. less than 300 friends, it alerts you with an audible beeping sound telling you to steer clear of them. If you meet someone on the street that you know on social media it plays gentle music and chirps excitedly. If you’ve got someone on your blacklist close by, it warns you when you are within 15 feet of them. We think it’s going to be a real hit,” Josh Weinzucker the CEO and brainchild of the startup told Tech Now magazine.

The new social media forehead device promises to bring social media into the real world and not just stuck in a smartphone or tablet.

“We don’t want people stuck in the box. Our social media displays can be seen from 500m away and glow brightly at night. In a few months after release we anticipate millions of people walking the streets with these wonderful contraptions strapped to their heads,” chief programmer, Ted Gantz, told CNN.

The device called the iLike will be released worldwide in January 2014.

Obama Sending Miley Cyrus to Syria to Clean Up Chemical Weapons

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“We heard she’s got a tongue that can lick anything up. President Obamo called me on the phone and told me to get Cyrus over to Assad land and lick all that chemical stuff up so that he can’t gas his people anymore,” Pentagon official, Donald Sarynne told CNN.

During Cyrus’s trip she will be tailed by MTV who plan on making a reality show series.

Many people have been cheered by the good news and expressed their delight that Cyrus will be busy elsewhere.

“Hopefully we won’t hear from her for awhile, she’ll be licking all those chemicals up. It’s gonna take her years, and years.” Brad Laputo, a long suffering American TV watcher revealed on Saturday.

As for John Kerry, he showed his approval of the project when his toupee twitched, then flipped on his bald spot and landed back on his head, all on live TV of course.

Paid Plastic Bags Come With 14 Day Money Back Guarantee

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Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg announced earlier on in the week that all plastic bags in UK shops will have a 5p surcharge, but what he did not tell you is that under EU consumer laws, the purchaser is entitled to a full refund if they bring an item back within 14 days of purchase.

“I can see a lot of people queueing at their local supermarket with trolleys full of plastic bags. I’m sure it is going to add another delightful element to the horror of the supermarket shopping trip,” an angry consumer revealed to the Times.

One gentleman from Yorkshire said: “It’s a good earner for me, I can top up my measly pension. My house is literally full of the things. At least the EU got something right for a change.”

Poor People Could Be Sterilised Say Ministers

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Iain Duncan Smith, the head of the Department of Work and Pensions is said to be adopting the initial plan drawn up by eugenicist William Beveridge who invented the benefits system in the 1940s. Lord Beveridge, at the time however did not implement the sterilisation programs he thought of but under Prime Minister Clement Attlee a softer approach was utilised. In the 21st century, society has changed and the Malthusian nightmare of over population is threatening nation states all over the world.

“Sir William Beveridge was a keen eugenicist and we’re simply going to implement his original plans for benefit recipients. It is no use for these ‘useless eaters’ to procreate or increase their numbers when they actually have no role in society apart from their parasitical taxpayer funded lifestyles. If you wish to receive benefits, then you must submit to the chop. We don’t want you breeding anymore as you are blighting the nation with yourselves and your feral children,” a member of the DWP revealed to the House of Commons gazette yesterday.

Michael Gove, the Education Secretary also holds the same views about poor people, and would also like a fast track sterilisation program introduced soon. The proposed programs would save trillions from the government budget, and thus safeguard future generations for a sustainable future.

In India, the sterilisation program is working wonders and the British government is watching with eager eyes. In America, there are also plans afoot for the Obamacare future, wherein those on welfare will be given the ultimate choice, on whether to continue receiving their benefits or not. In a society where there are not enough jobs to go around, and the majority of people are not qualified to be employed, there may be major problems.

“Instead of buying 3D TVs, these people, if one should call them that, should put their efforts into educating themselves and feeding their families instead of spending taxpayer money on booze, TVs and fags. It is these poor life choices and mismanagement of money which hinder their progress. I wholly agree with IDS on his stance on sterilisation. One must not stop at the feckless either, how about the immigrants who come here and take from our benefits system? If you wish to come to the UK, you should be sterilised at the port of entry. We can set up hospitals and surgeries for this. When 80% of Romania comes over in 2014, they will all be sterilised at the border,” Julie Ann Smothers, a key Whitehall policy researcher revealed to the BBC on Friday.

Experts: Analysing Charlie Sheen

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Dr. Frederic Jean, is a doctor of psychiatry at the Swiss Clinic of Mental Health in Stadt, Switzerland.

“As a psychiatric practitioner Charlie Sheen’s manic linguistic display reveals a lot. He displays a manic schizoid personality exhibiting elements of bipolar disorder, and a preponderance towards addiction to narcotics, alcohol. This addictive personality manifests in many ways either sexually or towards any given subject his mind wanders towards. However, looking at his face, I see someone who is also HIV positive. I have encountered many patients who have the same type of gaunt features, and the ear lobes, skin complexion give away his condition.”

Professor Carol Litkin, of the California Institute of Medicine also gives her evaluation of Charlie Sheen.

“I have watched his interviews and conclude that Charlie has AIDS or is in the mid stages of HIV infection. Retroviral drugs give a person a certain look, and Charlie displays the same characteristics of someone suffering from the disease. I sincerely hope he is taking the necessary drugs that should curtail this infectious disease. He should be taking Non-Nucleoside Reverse Transcriptase Inhibitors, Pls, CCR5s and others, however his facial features show the effects these drugs take on the body, so I assume he is taking them.”

UK Politicians to be Replaced By Robots in Ten Years

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“No more duck houses or scandals, no more ridiculous self-appointed pay increases and the House of Commons bar will just be an oil changing station,” Marcus Orielis, a Whitehall policy officer revealed in the Guardian.

So what will happen to the existing politicians once they are replaced?

A member of the public had a few words to say about that question: “I can think of numerous solutions, probably too explicit to say in public, but maybe we should put all their heads on the wall as trophies of a bygone era.”

Internet Spying Brought Humanity All Together Say Experts

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Edward Snowden was possibly planned all along as there has been little or no reaction to the clanger that all internet traffic is watched, scrutinised and analysed.

“The people have accepted it. They do not mind, such is their addiction to technology and the internet has no secrets, it is one large hive family where all is known. This spying saga by the NSA has actually brought humanity together in one technological melting pot. The people are so pliant now that there is no question of outrage or rebellion, besides that would be quashed immediately as they could isolate trouble spots in a millisecond and crush it. We’re all one big family now. Your family sees all and think of the NSA, Facebook and others as parents. You are the children, and they watch your every move,” Clive Rhinoplaszt, one of the clinical psychologists at the Institute told the September edition of the Medical Journal.

The IMM also claims that Snowden was utilised by the NSA to fast forward integration. If everyone knows and does not mind that everything they do is being recorded, then implementation of the next stage will be easier.

Uncle Obama knows best and he authorised everything. He’s only doing good, so please do not for one second doubt his mission. Remember we have another three and a half years of his wonderful tenure left.

Fingerprint Technology Blamed For Street Choppings

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Detective Constable, Dean Arkwright of the Metropolitan Police has warned people who own fingerprint password smartphones and other tech hardware to be vigilant as determined robbers and thieves simply lop off hands and fingers so they can take the devices and sell them on the black market.

Jill Pethybridge, an Amazon customer, was shocked on Thursday when she received a secondhand iPhone utilising fingerprint technology from an unscrupulous internet vendor only to find a finger stuck on the phone with a bit of cellotape.

“Well it smelled a bit when I opened the package but I’m getting used to it. It’s the only way I can use the phone now, so I’ve wrapped a chain around it and sealed the wound with some plaster. I don’t know whose finger it is but who cares? I’ve got a newish iPhone for a bargain price.”

Since fingerprint technology was brought in last week, there have been over 650 incidents of gory finger or hand amputation in London alone.

One victim recalled his harrowing story to the BBC: ” I was walking along Tottenham High Street talking on my iPhone when I felt a sharp tug. Next thing I know, my whole arm was gone with the iPhone. It’s bloody ridiculous innit, can’t even walk down the street anymore. Oh well, look on the bright side, at least I can use my new Samsung smartphone with the remaining hand.”