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Obama Sending Crack Team of Libtards to Ukraine

Yakatori Yakamata
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Obama Sending Crack Team of Libtards to Ukraine

An emergency team of libtards left the airport in Washington D.C. yesterday morning, MSNBC host, Bozo Limprist, said from his show.

The libtard team are armed with all sorts of things to stop the Russian soldiers in the Ukraine.

“We’re going to reason with these brutes holding guns. Put down the weapons you might shoot someone. It’s dangerous. Also you brute Russians need more styling, what is this cammo stuff you’re wearing? It’s so unfetching, I believe a nice v neck, some designer glasses and Jack Kerouac book under your arm would be more fashionable. These Russians need to open a few more pot shops in Crimea, then they could relax a little better, and don’t forget your Kool aid you Russian war people with guns, drink up and you can be just like us,” Mr Limprist, told his audience on MSNBC.

No one told any of the Obamamites that if it wasn’t for U.S. and EU meddling in Kiev, the Russians would not have invaded the country.

Obamacare to be Extended to Ukraine Says Obama

Yakatori Yakamata
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Obamacare to be Extended to Ukraine Says Obama

 

“I’m thinking of taking another taxpayer vacation, but before I do that, I want to extend my gratitude to Vladimir Putin for showing what a weak leader I am with no idea about foreign policy, I’m cordially inviting him to sign up to Obamacare. All he needs to do is sign in on the website if it’s up.

“If there is actual shooting with guns going on in the Ukraine, I may even send in some of those gay marines I appointed to quell the major war that’s about to happen. I successfully emasculated the U.S. army last year with the introduction of mandatory homosexual battalions on active duty.

“I don’t really agree with guns so I think we’ll pass on this kind of stuff. Ooh, look at this, I just got a message through that Iran is pushing ahead with their nuclear weapons program. You know that amazing deal I made with them a few weeks ago when they promised to stop making nuclear missiles, well naturally I used my special foreign policy skills to persuade them to stop doing that shit, that’s why they’re continuing with their nuclear program right now!” the president said whilst cowering under his desk.

Mysterious Box That Unlocks Cars? We Need to Watch Some Ghost Dog Says Cop

Yakatori Yakamata
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0
Mysterious Box That Unlocks Cars? We Need to Watch Some Ghost Dog Says Cop

American cops are not exactly hip to cult films, and one of our favourites here in the Daily Squib office is Ghost Dog. It is an amazing film fusing many elements in a big bucket of dark genius.

“All over America, the police are puzzled by people stealing cars utilising a little black box, well all the feds gotta do is watch some Ghost Dog nigga, and y’all will see fo’ yoselves,” G-Squan, a rapper from Chicago revealed on Hip Hop TV.

Let’s just say it would be very cool to have a mysterious box like this.

Hague Challenges Putin to Judo Match

Yakatori Yakamata
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0
Hague Challenges Putin to Judo Match

Foreign Secretary William Hague has warned Russian overlord, Vladimir Putin that he’s got some serious Judo skills and is not afraid to use them.

“I warned him yesterday that if Russian troops enter Ukraine, then I’m going to be really, really angry. Well, what does he do? Russian troops are now taking over the Ukraine, and now I’m so angry I’ve even got my little Judo suit on. I am warning you Putin, I’m warning you, don’t do it!” the Foreign Secretary said from his Dojo.

Scottish Independence: Loch Ness Monster Could Move to Blackpool

Yakatori Yakamata
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Scottish Independence: Loch Ness Monster Could Move to Blackpool

According to reports from Loch Ness, the Nessie might have to move to Blackpool, England if the Scots decide to get their Independence from the UK.

“It’s purely economical. Can you imagine the amount of visitors he would get then? We’re moving and all. Once this Scottish Independence thing happens it won’t be the same again,” Gordon Bampot, a manager at the official Loch Ness visitor centre told the Argyll Echo.

Visitors to Blackpool pier would get to see the Nessie popping his head out of the water but only if they pay a few bob for the pleasure, pictures are not allowed.

Nessie’s keeper, Andrea McPherson, told the Sun: “As long as he has some fresh fish he’s happy as Larry.”

Ryanair to Fly Passengers to Moon For Under £5

Yakatori Yakamata
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0
Ryanair to Fly Passengers to Moon For Under £5

Michael O’Leary, the airline’s chief executive, told an Irish news network yesterday that he would offer tickets to the moon for £4.20.

However, he admitted that passengers would have to pay extra if they want to come back.

“Once we get you to the moon, we’ll ask you for £1,985,000. If you ain’t got it, then we’ll drop you off at the moon, charge you an extra luggage handling fee surcharge of £300,000, and if you can’t pay that, we’ll take your feckin’ luggage as well, without a feckin’ space suit may I add,” O’Leary said babbling inanely.

The flights on a state of the art space rocket, which is being built in a shed in Tipperary, would leave from someone’s back garden that O’Leary plans to rent out for 20 euros a week.

On hearing of the Ryanair news, Richard Branson got up from his hammock, yawned, then went back to sleep.

Flashman to the Rescue in the Crimea

Yakatori Yakamata
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0
Flashman to the Rescue in the Crimea

There is no need to worry with all this warring nonsense going on in the Crimea, Flashy’s here to the rescue with his trusty sabre waving it around as Lord Cardigan points to the Russians over the hill.

“Haw,haw,” says he, “it is Fwashman, I see. Hiding away from this glowious battle I dare say? Haw-haw. How-de-do, Fwashman? I decware that ass Camowen and his Eeyew chums in Bwussels got us into a wight old mess and muwdered the Wight Bwigade. Haw-haw. Always was a pwepostewous bwaggard! Haw-haw!”

After the bloodbath, it is naturally customary as an officer and a gentleman to retire to one’s yacht for a hearty champagned slap up meal, and watch re-runs of the rout on the news.

Sochi Olympics Moving to Ukraine

Yakatori Yakamata
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0
Sochi Olympics Moving to Ukraine

 

With Vladimir Putin wiping the egg off his face after a major Ukrainian humiliation, the Russian president has vowed to move the winter Olympics from Sochi to Kiev.

“I was wiping the rotten egg off my face this morning and I thought to myself, wasn’t Sochi a wonderful distraction for me? Here was the Russian team winning medals when over in the Ukraine I didn’t notice the capital city being taken over. This is why I’m moving the Sochi Olympics to Kiev. We can have another winter Olympics, this time with even more Molotov cocktails,” Mr Putin said from his luxury apartment in the middle of Moscow.

Some of the winter Kiev Olympic sports that will be displayed:

1) Molotov bob sleigh

2) Ukraine ski shoot

3) Natoboarding

4) World War III skating (on cracked ice)

5) Baton curling (with a bullet riddled steel shield)

Minimum Wage to Rise to £25.50

Yakatori Yakamata
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0
Minimum Wage to Rise to £25.50

 

Such an increase would be the first that has happened above inflation since 2008, Dibble said.

“You can’t survive in rip off Britain for less, so we raised the minimum wage to a level that people will just about be able to put food on their tables and heat their homes. People might even be able to fill their car up with petrol, the fuel tax is so fucking ridiculous it takes up 85% of the cost of fuel that even with this pay rise it’s still going to be hard for people,” he told MPs.

The large increase in the minimum wage means that it just about pips the rate of benefits and will ensure that the message is clear — benefits don’t pay as well anymore.

After the announcement was made there were cheers and joyous shouts of er..joy..and more joy in the streets.

“I can feed my family. Like I can put food on the table, I can have a full fridge. I’m speechless, thank you, sir, please sir, I don’t wish to be rude but, I think I just peed in my pants,” Julia Swinton, a dinner lady for a local state school in Birmingham told the Sun.

Invest in Squibcoins They’re Safer

Yakatori Yakamata
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0
Invest in Squibcoins They’re Safer

Roll up, roll up, ‘ere we’ve got a lovely jubbly investment opportunity for all you ex-Bitcoin investors, you may have lost everything but never fret the Squib is a certain bet.

If you invest 20 pence in a Squibcoin, it could be worth 30 pence by February 2025. Now if that’s not a sure fire deal of making S loads of money my aunt’s an investment banker for Goldman Sachs.

We wanted to do an infographic about how your money would grow if you invested in Squibcoins, but we just couldn’t be arsed, and we’re sure you don’t care anyway.

I hear you saying, will my Squibcoins be safe? Of course they will, we have a special Squibcoin exchange down the pub, ah ah, can’t tell you which East London pub it is, but it’s somewhere around the cobbled dark wet streets of olde London where the lanterns are still gas fired and the sari shops stay open till late.

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