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Home Blog Page 592

Revenge of the Nerds: Creating Tech to Imprison You Further

Sci/Tech

Iggy Bliss

March 8, 2014

Revenge of the Nerds: Creating Tech to Imprison You Further

Tech expert Jonas Albertein, has come to his own conclusion about the nerd tech phenomenon: “Let’s just say that a lot of these nerds may look harmless, they may even act harmless, but they’re a bunch of dangerous fucks. Like they can build a drone that will murder you and your family by lunchtime, they can build software that will track your every movement, they just don’t have any morals when it comes to a nice pay packet and funding from Mr. Big.”

Where we are with hi-tech surveillance today would have made Stalin and Hitler fill an empty bowl full of saliva, that is how bad it is right now. And who created this tech? Yep, it was the nerds, the geeks, the pizza slice eaters, the spotty no-friend dweebs that prefer a Friday night in looking at a mechanics manual from 1976 to going out and getting blootered like most normal people.

Top 5 Nerd Created Tech That Has Enslaved Humanity

1) Facebook (Basically one of the most efficient data gathering pieces of software in human history)

2) Spy Attack Drones (These things can track you and kill you with precision and maximum splattage)

3) Smartphones (So smart in fact that they log everything that you do)

4) Killer Robots (They do exist and are being developed)

5) Misc – Facial Recognition, vehicle plate logging, CCTV, RFID, Nanotech weapons etc..

Bitcoin Founder Found to be a Hologram Reporters Discover

Sci/Tech

Iggy Bliss

March 7, 2014

Bitcoin Founder Found to be a Hologram Reporters Discover

Satoshi Nakamoto, a name known to legions of Bitcoin users around the world, appeared to lose his anonymity on Thursday after Newsweek published a story that said he lived in a town, just east of Los Angeles.

Legions of reporters besieged the Bitcoin founder’s home on Thursday, but were bitterly disappointed when he walked out of the house he was living in.

“He walked out of the house in broad daylight. I went up to him to shake his hand but my hand just went through. There was nothing there. He’s a hologram. A very elaborate hologram with some amazing technology behind him. He then said he was not the inventor of Bitcoin, he made a static kind of sound before he shape shifted into a white speckled bunny rabbit then hopped off into a bush,” Miles Kendrick, a reporter for ABC news revealed.

According to tech experts, Nakamoto, is a high matrix hologram, probably a sentient program who is highly encrypted and cannot be hacked. There is speculation that Satoshi Nakamoto was created in a lab somewhere in Area 51, Nellis Air Force Base or could even be a reverse engineered entity from higher intelligence.

“I called Ray Kurzweil on the phone. He was amazed that this kind of tech has been discovered, as it should be top secret,” Joel Silverstein, tech writer for Wired magazine wrote in his column.

Bitcoin rose 23% in the financial markets after the amazing discovery.

White Dee Brokers Peace Deal in Ukraine

Entertainment

March 7, 2014

White Dee from Benefits Street has brokered a historic peace treaty between Russia and the West, achieving something which seasoned negotiators like U.S Secretary of State, John Kerry have not been able to do.

“I walked in the room. Looked Putin in the eyes, then told him about Benefits Street, how I had to call the council every day and tell ’em to keep paying up. I then took the mic, had a large swig of the vodka bottle Putin was holding then sang my latest song called ‘Crimea River’. By the end of my beautiful song Putin had a tear in his eye, a pair of ear plugs and an empty bottle.”

Vladimir Putin has vowed to visit John Turner street in Birmingham next time he invades Britain.

As for White Dee, she’s now up for the Nobel Peace prize, and a lucrative career as a peace broker for the British government, her next stop being Palestine.

‘Crimea River’ will be available in all good Job centres and Benefits offices across the country from tomorrow.

Protein and Carbohydrates as Bad as Smoking

Health

Iggy Bliss

March 6, 2014

Eating a diet of protein and carbohydrates are as bad as smoking, yet another pseudo science study being spread across the media reveals.

“In fact if you eat any form of food, you will die and it is equivalent to smoking three packs of cigarettes per day,” professor of health sciences, Dr. David Fenster writes in the paper.

The daily recommended intake has now been revised to a handful of bird seed, freshly picked grass from the garden and sawdust. Water is permissible, but has to be lukewarm and laced with fluoride to keep you compliant.

Here is an example of a daily menu endorsed by the new research report.

Breakfast: 12 seeds, small cup of lukewarm water, plenty of sunlight if you can get it.

Lunch: 5 birdseeds, some finely chopped grass and half a small cup of lukewarm water

High Tea: Grass tea with a birdseed scone

Dinner: Birdseed salad with lukewarm water marinade no grass. For dessert, a whole piece of garlic sprinkled with sawdust

Primary School Teachers Kidnap Gove

World

Iggy Bliss

March 6, 2014

CCTV pictures released by the Metropolitan police show about thirty female teachers bundling into Gove’s flat, dragging him out by his legs into the street, then throwing him head first into a school minibus and driving off at speed.

Detective Constable, Wilfred Rizzla, has put hundreds of officers on the streets searching for the popular Education Secretary.

“As we all know Michael Gove is a much loved individual nationally and we are at a loss as to how and why this kidnapping could have occurred. Hopefully he will not be tortured whilst in captivity, or have his head dunked in a bucket of dog mess.”

Are You at Risk of Climate Change During a Heart Attack?

Health

Iggy Bliss

March 5, 2014

Are You at Risk of Climate Change During a Heart Attack?

“Many of my patients live in abject fear of climate change, as it is pumped incessantly through the media networks day in day out. I tell them, if you are having a heart attack to not worry about changing climate, and funnily enough they tell me they feel a lot better about it after that,” Dr. Hardy told the Boston Medical Journal.

One of the doctor’s patients, Auguste Balls, who is so worried about the changing climate that he has had three heart attacks in succession, has revealed his trick to stop thinking about climate change.

“I don’t turn on the news anymore or read the papers or the internet. If I go somewhere and hear a radio on, or television, I immediately leave that area. It’s the only way I can stop the global warming reports. Funnily enough, when I was having a heart attack, that was the only time I stopped thinking about climate change. We gotta pay for the humans, we gotta pay for the changing climate, more taxes, green taxes, its the humans’ fault, we gotta pay carbon taxes, aargh, we gotta pay surcharge green taxes on airplanes, we gotta pay green taxes on our gas…I, I’m having another meltdown..gaaaaaaah!!!”

Sadly Mr Balls passed away shortly after speaking about the global warming changing climate issue on CNN.

“We’ve Got Access to Bunkers You Don’t”

Entertainment

Iggy Bliss

March 5, 2014

Amongst the stretched faces, the unnatural puffed out eyelids, the botox smiles and the invariably fake nature of the Hollywood luvvies, there was an altogether more distressing thought crossing the minds of many.

Here were these trumped up luvvies revelling in their plastic grandeur while far away in the Balkans an important event was occurring, which could invariably affect everyone in the world?

The self-congratulatory nature of their deluded vanity is all too evident in their faces. We have access to bunkers and you do not. You may get fried by an ICBM launched from some silo somewhere in the Urals, but we know people in high places that can get us a luxurious room in nuclear bunkers deep down somewhere.

What the fuck has happened to Kevin Spacey’s face? Now that is a question that must permeate through your head as the Russian missiles explode over American cities.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Put On Hold For Now

World

Iggy Bliss

March 4, 2014

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse Put On Hold For Now

The four horsemen of the apocalypse are patiently waiting in the wings, their agent (god) revealed today.

“You know, one minute it’s all go, and the next we get word to hold back a while. It’s getting rather tedious I say. We’ve been sitting on these horses for awhile now and my butt cheeks are getting sore,” Pestilence said from his pale horse.

Conquest and War have been so eager as of late that they have taken it upon themselves to pummel each other to weather the utter boredom.

As for the false Christ, well he’s holed up in the White House with his bow and arrow and his fawning hypnotised yes men and women.

George W. Bush: “But..but, there are no WMDs in Ukraine!”

World

Iggy Bliss

March 4, 2014

George W. Bush: “But..but, there are no WMDs in Ukraine!”

Former US president George W. Bush has spoken out against the Russian invasion of Ukraine: “Vladimir Putin has invaded a strategic oil and gas pipeline nation because he says his people were in danger. Yeah, but where are the WMDs? At least I had a better excuse, huh.”

Mr Bush is currently working on a new series of paintings depicting Iraqi babies that were born deformed from depleted uranium.

“I like to remember my legacy. Because of me over a million humans lost their lives and millions more were displaced. Iraq is a free land now where everyone is safe in the knowledge that they could get shot or blown up at any time,” the former president said from his studio.

6 Distractions You Can Do to Not Think About Russia Annexing Ukraine

World

Iggy Bliss

March 3, 2014

6 Distractions You Can Do to Not Think About Russia Annexing Ukraine

Please do not bother yourself with worrisome geopolitical matters, carry on with your inane bubble life. You will not need to stockpile food, prepare for a banking collapse or any other serious things like survival.

1) Please carry on surfing your Facebook page with your vacuous friends and at all costs do not think about the Ukraine and the invasion by Russia. Post more pictures of the meal you had, or better still more pictures of your kids, you are a great parent and you need to affirm this by posting pictures of every achievement they do. Oh, you’ve got a friend you don’t agree with have you? Well, it’s simple just delete them and they’re gone.

2) You must watch the latest episode of Come Dancing. This is so much more important than all out war, I wonder who is going to get thrown out this time?

3) Have you got the latest smartphone app, it’s out on android and iphone, you need to download this app and play the game for hours. If you do happen to hear any air raid sirens, simply get under your bed covers and continue playing. Don’t forget to take a selfie when the bomb drops.

4) Ah, you’ve just noticed the price of petrol has increased by 35%, as have all utilities and food prices. Do not worry yourself with such trivialities, just carry on with the latest episode of Big Brother or other reality show. Don’t forget to phone in to vote for your favourite contestant and naturally you have to be so engrossed in the show that you must talk about it at every opportunity.

5) Have you got the latest fashionable outfit? Well, this is very important. You must spend all your money on looking your best and be in with the in crowd. If you don’t do this you are unfashionable, and that’s verging on criminality, besides you have to look your best for that special supermarket trip where you can look at all the empty shelves on display.

6) What’s that celebrity doing? This is very important, you must read about celebrity x who has just thrown a tissue on the pavement and not bothered to pick it up. You must comment on it on entertainment sites and make it your life’s mission to follow inconsequential banal drippings from the entertainment section or you will be left behind in everyday conversation. Ideally, the right hand side of the Daily Mail should be your primary reading list, forget about everything else.