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Comrade Obama: “You Cannot Stop Obamacare Now!”

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“Comrades! I stand here in the Soviet White House and I look down on you the brave people, the workers, the furloughed workers at home, and most of all the enemies and terrorists who are trying to derail the 5-year-plan for health collectivization. For those enemies of my supreme command, I say this to you. We will go ahead with our plan whether you like it or not. We will crush you with our sheer will. We will decimate you in your fox holes. We will hunt you down like the animals you are then force you to watch Obamacare educational videos so you may be re-educated. If you refuse, we will simply shoot you. No one or anything will stop my resolve in implementing Obamacare,” Comrade Obama told a cheering crowd of three dedicated Obamamite supporters outside the Soviet White House on Friday.

Comrade Obama and Commissar Reid have declared every day in the SDRA to be a celebration of Obamacare.

“Citizens of the Soviet Democratic Republic of America, you will be rewarded by death panels where there will be a lottery on who lives and dies from Obamacare. Additionally, all citizens’ previously private medical records will be harvested and distributed to any State department or employer that requests them. By signing up to Obamacare, your IP address will be logged and recorded so all citizens of the SDRA will enjoy the safety of knowing that their every thought is tracked. We reserve the right to increase the Obamacare taxation at any time, and if you cannot pay, you will be fined or imprisoned in a FEMA camp somewhere in Utah. In the future, we will require all Obamacare recipients to have RFID chips implanted in their bodies, for their own safety and health. Remember, that this is all for your own good. Thank you for not voting for this, we are implementing it whether you like it or not.”

Obama Spoiling it For Hillary

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“The Dems are now less popular than cockroaches and hemorrhoids. That don’t give chief Democratic madam, Hillary Clinton much chance of ever getting voted in. It’s no news that those two despise each other with a vengeance, so Obama is using the old socialist scorched earth policy before he leaves office possibly with a big boot in his behind,” a Congressional insider told the Washington Daily Echo.

Britain’s Labour party adopted the same policy before they were ousted after thirteen long years. When they realised they did not have a chance of reelection, they cynically drew up a scorched earth policy where expenditure went through the roof, and their corrupt crony members pocketed as much cash as they could muster before leaving nothing in the nation’s coffers. Britain is still recovering now after their disastrous tenure, America however may not recover. There are two very good reasons to this. America is such a large nation that if it takes the wrong track, it is harder to steer back. Britain is just a minnow compared to the behemoth Federal monster that America is. Secondly, the world has changed while America’s insular compartmentalised system has been reamed by the socialist jackals. No longer is America the world force it used to be, it has been marginalised and weakened by wars on three fronts as well as a war inside Washington.

Obama stole the election from Hillary Clinton in 2008, and his actions now will ensure the Republicans get into power again for a very long time in 2016.

Buy, Buy, Buy!!!

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“The Dow and S&P went through the roof yesterday but you might still have a chance to catch some momentum — for another six weeks that is,” Marty Rich, a trading expert told Bloomberg news yesterday.

Another investment expert told news crews outside Wall Street: “You don’t want to get caught selling stock with a six week extension. Buy, buy, buy! But please don’t think about what happens after the six week extension is up.”

Finance experts are advising everyone to buy. Just do it and don’t think about anything else.

Man Has Heart Attack During Obamacare Website Sign Up

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Chicago resident, Jim Beamer, 62, was trying to sign on to the Obamacare web site for the twenty eighth time when his heart went into cardiac arrest. His wife Dorreen, 59, was very upset about the whole episode.

“He kept trying and trying and trying. Then he went blue and started cussing which was totally out of character for him. Finally he just fell onto the computer screen. He never got that Obamacare.”

Widowed Mrs Beamer, being a good Democrat, says she forgives Obamacare for the untimely death of her husband.

Religion Could Be Accommodated By Brain Chips

“We are going to see the wonders of science expand exponentially within the next thirty years. Those who embrace the new technology will flourish, those who do not will flounder. Integration is an essential part of progressive humanity, we are already seeing a vast number of people becoming dependent on technology and extending their intelligence, but one must also consider that the human biological brain has severe limitations, it also has a propensity to deteriorate with age. There are further hurdles with the newly proposed microchip science, such as the negative blockade of those with irrational belief systems that are based on myths and legends fabricated by ancient people to control the masses. These people can be eventually convinced to embrace the new technology by the programmers building the belief systems into the chips so that they can continue with their fantasies. Stimulus concentrated in the Parietal lobe, Temporal lobe and Frontal lobe as well as programmed religious experiences will ensure their continued fantasy will not be disturbed. Extensive research has found that religion is also a conditioned response to indoctrination from a young age, and is generationally carried forward. There are also many other variables to consider including societal pressure of conformity as well as instilling false belief systems by sheer force as was adhered to in past historical periods. It is therefore imperative that the people who cannot snap out of their conditioning be treated with careful integration otherwise they may cause unrest. Once they are integrated, they will only feel bliss, religious bliss as they wholeheartedly experience what they perceive to be real religious emotions,” senior consultant on the project for religious integrative science, Walter Bartholemew revealed in the August edition of the Science Journal.

As control systems go, religion has been an extremely powerful tool to control populations for thousands of years, but its usefulness is sadly waning and this can cause problems within populations.

“We are seeing more people becoming aware of the control systems that have been in place for so long. Religion was not only created by very clever individuals as a form of lifelong imprisonement for humans but it was also created as a way for humans to deal with the ultimate question of death. If they believed in a peaceful afterlife, then they would not fear death, but embrace it. As technology and medical science increases the human lifespan then death may ultimately be conquered. There will of course still be believers in the fantastical myths of the past, but when most of the population embraces integrative technology, they will eventually follow because their religion will beckon from inside their own minds as well as their propensity to follow something..whatever it is that may hold the answer to their questions.”

Sell, Sell, Sell!!!

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“So what if Buffet made $15 billion during the recession. He better get selling too, unload as much as you can, the artificially inflated market ain’t going to be much soon. You don’t want to be holding anything when the S&P is at 120,” Marty Rich, a trading expert told Bloomberg news yesterday.

Another investment expert told news crews outside Wall Street: “You don’t want to get caught holding stock when this thing blows. Treasuries are going to zero too as well as the dollar and we’re going to see a huge loss of liquidity and spike in interest rates. The dip in 2008 was like a minor blip, no one learned their lesson and the economy is actually in worse shape now than it was pre-Lehman. Sell, sell, sell! But please don’t panic, aaargh, aaargh, sell, sell, sell! Achtung! S.O.S! HELP!!!!”

Finance experts are also warning not to keep money in the bank either because when they go down, there will be no access to it, as well as the currency being pretty much worthless anyway.

Baby P Mother to Start Breeding As Soon As Gets Out of Prison

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“Thanks to the British legal system in which a child’s life is pretty much worthless, I want to get out there again and have a few more kids,” Baby P mother, Tracey Connelly said smiling in prison.

The celebratory mood of the mother who oversaw the torture and murder of her children by her boyfriend, is something symptomatic of today’s society.

“You can get away with murdering defenceless children, and I’m going to live a happy life with even more children after this. I can’t wait to get stuck in again. I love it,” Baby Peter’s mother told newspapers.

Miley Cyrus Doctor Visit Goes Well

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“She came into my office and her tongue was hanging out throughout the time she was there. I didn’t even need to ask her to stick her tongue out. I wish all patients were like her,” Dr. Donald Epstein of the Beverly Hills Health Center told the LA Sun newspaper.

According to reports, the pop starlet has a few nasty things growing on her tongue, possibly due to over exposure.

Health expert, Gerardo Hernendez said: “If you’re going to expose your tongue all day in the public, the surface will attract all kinds of bacteria, and fungus. From initial tests, Ms. Cyrus has 12 different types of fungi growing on her tongue, some of which could be toxic. Heck, we’ll probably see mushrooms growing on that thing soon, or maybe slimy mold.”

Kardashian Baby Sold to Armenian Orphanage

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Kardashian spokeswoman, Lillian Burns revealed the news this morning, and many were not surprised by the controversial decision.

“The baby took all the limelight, and also it was impacting on sponsorship deals as well as inflicting damage on a newly proposed reality show brokered by the controlling gold digger mother. Remember, nothing, I repeat nothing gets in between Kim Kardashian and a camera lens.”

The Kardashians brokered the baby deal in the early hours of Monday and the baby was shipped over today never to be seen again.

Kim Kardashian says she is relieved about the episode: “Bought a new handbag with the baby payment, I got my nails done, had my face done, got some botox. Now I can get on with the 18th series of my banal, brainless shit heaping bland money making show. Thank you for watching you braindead zombies, don’t forget I like to check my heaving bank balance every two fu**ing minutes and it’s all thanks to you. Now get me my cream soda, I need another facial from some bastard hip hopping douche from the ghetto.”

Strutting Apes Seen on Capitol Hill

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“I never thought I’d see an ape so far away from Africa, and you should have seen the way it was beating its chest, bloody well obscene display of sheer power,” Graham Jameson, a visitor from Stoke-on-Trent, England, told the BBC World Service.

The tourists were on a guided tour of the Capitol Hill area when they were stopped in their tracks by the ape display.

“I had a banana with me when I saw the apes and I threw it amongst them. I’ve never seen anything like it. We had to leave soon after as they started to look at us with hungry eyes,” Doreen Summersby, another package holidayer said from her Motel room.