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Tuesday, December 30, 2025
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Obese Giraffes Causing Trouble in Africa

“These giraffes are not only a danger to other animals and humans but themselves as well. We had one obese giraffe sit down and accidentally crush a sleeping pride of lions, and one obese giraffe mother nearly squashed her new born baby. We have put them on special diet shakes so they can lose some of their weight,” park ranger, Blik Rosenthall, told the Serengeti Gazette.

The myriad of problems created by obese giraffes are a cause for concern for park staff, who believe that safari goers are the ones fuelling the fatty giraffes.

Another park ranger revealed: “We get these mainly American safari visitors giving them Twinkies and hamburgers. We try to tell them to stop but it is very hard to regulate. It’s not just what they eat in one end, but what comes out the other end is usually bigger than an elephant poo.”

In total there are approximately 43 obese giraffes now ambling slowly around the protected safari park, and vets are determined to bring the number of fatties down.

Chief veterinarian, Dr. Janice Bartends, who has adopted the obesity fight says: “We need to get them back to eating twigs and leaves. Some of our giraffes now weigh over 850 lbs, that’s close to half a tonne. We cannot have this going on anymore.”

Boehner to Sing Castrato in GOP Choir

Looking a tad yellow, the House Speaker told news reporters that he had found his true voice.

“You know I love singing with a high voice, especially as I’ve had my testicles removed during the recent government shut down. I’ve heard my dear friend Obama is gonna come and watch me sing. Ain’t that sweet.”

Some of the songs Boehner and the Republicans will be singing are:

Away in a Furlough

Come Let Us Worship Obama

Count Your Yella Blessings

Hark the Herald Veterans Sing

Humble Thyself in the Sight of Obammy

and finally

I Surrender All

The Rich Will Be First Target During American Unrest

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“The millions of African American food stamp holders are Obama’s army, and the target of this anger will be rich white folk. The haves and have nots are a serious contentious issue in America and Obama is playing the race game with the hordes of dependent uneducated EBT African Americans who only have two emotions, anger and greed. They feel that a life of luxury on electronic benefits is somehow owed to them. This in many government circles is called the ‘gibs me’ culture, and these people are the core of Obama’s vote base. How else was he voted into office –twice? All it takes is a switch, and then boom, decent hard working Americans who pay for the EBT card users will be torn limb from limb in the streets and Walmarts of America by the savage packs of animals on the rampage. Throw in some gun play from a few concerned citizens and it’s gonna be party time,” Dean Zlozower, a Republican Congressman for Minnesota told Fox News.

One must remember the words of Thomas Jefferson: “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”

Maybe that time is nearing now, as liberty is an alien concept under Obama’s total surveillance Stasi drone infested concept of America, where millions of uncouth, workshy people live luxurious lives off the backs of slave tax payers who dare to work, and where a president shows contempt and hatred towards elderly war veterans who served their country in world wars.

Henry Kissinger, one of the greatest statesmen of all time, despite being perceived as evil by the general populace, once said: “Control oil and you control nations; control food and you control the people.” Electronic Benefit Transfers, are ideal for this tactic.

No doubt Zbigniew Brzezinski, Obama’s undercover man agrees totally with Kissinger’s words because he has also been quoted saying similar dualistic words: “It is easier to kill one million people, than to control them.”

America is being run by psychopathic sovietized monsters intent on destruction from within, through economic means, and through the use of food shortages. The Novus Ordo Seclorum cannot survive with the previous incarnation of the United States, and Obama is the key figure in this operation, someone who feigns weakness, but would not blink one eye to the destruction of the entity he hates most, the entity that he is president of and the ultimate master of beckoning its ultimate annihilation.

To attain a truly technical society dominated by an elite with superior scientific instruments is only attainable through destruction of the false democratic system, and the controllers do not mind a little blood spilled here or there to achieve their aims.

Maybe there will be relief around the world when the elastic band finally snaps.

Happy Birthday Obama!

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From Kentucky, to Maine, to Texas and Oregon millions of people took to the streets to celebrate their great president’s birthday.

“We got parades here and cheerleaders. It’s a nice sunny autumn day. People are milling around singing Obama songs of praise. It’s really quite touching,” Jenny Farnsworth, from Mobile, Alabama told Fox News.

Change

Even newscasters like Bill O’Reilly were singing Obama’s praises: “He’s done good for our country. I never seen so much money spent. We really are the land of plenty. God bless you Obama and hope you have a nice day in the White House with your lovely wife Michelle.”

In Washington D.C. a street carnival went past the White House and not even one rotten tomato or rotten egg was thrown. The American people are really happy that the country is finally Moving On.

Here in Britain, the Queen toasted the president at dinner and extended her gratitude for Obama’s great achievements in the United States, and prime minister, David Cameron quoted the words of Winston Churchill honouring Obama’s tenure as president of the United States.

“Socialists think profits are a vice; I consider losses the real vice.” Winston Churchill

Saatchi Gallery Installation Under Fire

“This art hits you in the face — literally. All I saw was a pile of knocked out gallery visitors on the floor,” a bruised Jenny Metcalf, art critic for the Evening Standard wrote in her column.

The installation was acquired by Saatchi last year and the new exhibition entitled ‘Brute’ will be running until December 12.

If you don’t want to get knocked out maybe bring a crash helmet.

Mount Rushmore Sold to China to Finance U.S. Debt

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“It is a small step in the right direction for the U.S., they have sacrificed a national monument to pay their debt to us. Geologists have found vast copper deposits below the statues of the former presidents which will be destroyed then the area will be transformed into a large copper mine,” Chinese foreign ministry spokesperson, Hua Chunying told the Xinhua state news agency Monday.

One of the reasons for the U.S. Government shutdown was the enormous debt president Obama has partially created, so this new Mount Rushmore sale will appease America’s debtors a little bit.

State department officials are looking at more parts of America to sell to China, and a proposed list will be submitted to Congress in November.

“It’s a case of what we can lose and do without so we can carry on borrowing from the Chinese. Look at it as a big pawn shop, we sell our most treasured assets and monuments today, and one day we might get them back. In the case of Mount Rushmore, that sadly won’t be the case as it will be dynamited to get to the copper resources, but other monuments and National Parks that are to be sold will still be in the U.S,” David Grant, State department spokesman told CNN.

Treasury officials were today quiet as to how much the sale of Mount Rushmore would raise, some independent experts estimating as much as $600 million.

Obama: ‘We Got ’em!’

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“We got ’em. They’re going to jail for a very long time. We can’t have miscreants like this messing up my country,” the president said after a round of golf.

Local police forces rounded up the geriatric war veterans and threw them in police vans to be taken to local police stations for processing. News agencies reported at least 300 American war veterans were arrested.

“We got to get these criminals off the streets. They’re a danger to society,” police sergeant Trayvon Johnsons told CNN.


Criminal U.S. Veterans Try to Access War Memorials

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A group of criminal pensioner veterans dared to try and visit memorials for fallen fellow soldiers today.

Thankfully, Stasi agents were on hand to beat the miscreant opposers of the supreme comrade in chief within an inch of their lives.

Some of the veterans were in wheel chairs and some were obviously struggling to walk with their crutches but thankfully the Stasi and riot police used batons and tear gas to neutralise the obvious threat.

“Did you see how that 80-year-old veteran of Iwo Jima went down when I cracked him on the skull with my baton?” laughing Stasi commissar, Barry Soto told state news service, MSN.

Comrade Obama, today praised the violent shutdown: “Citizens and comrades of the Soviet Democratic Republic of America. We have violently cracked down on the vile elderly traitor veterans who fought for the previous capitalist entity the United States and have somehow seen fit to reemerge from their hovels. I would like to thank the rest of the coward population who stayed at home and watched the beatings of these elderlies who chose to disobey my supreme command. You did the right thing, you must obey my every order, you cowardly yellow stained maggots.”

Comrade Obama is pleased by the progress in the SDRA and has ordered extra rations of chocolate for all compliant citizens who stayed at home. Thank you for your continuing support.

White House EBT Card Does Not Work Any More

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The president and his family who depends on their EBT card had to contend with a furious wife when she went to her local K-Mart and was refused groceries for the White House kitchen on Saturday.

Michelle Obama told local news sources that she was not very happy about the situation.

“What ma gonna do? I gots me to go EBT shopping and the dumbass back home forgot to pay the gaddamn bills for the EBT processing center wherever the hell that may be? We got one corned beef can left. That good fo’ nothin’ idiot couldn’t organizize a cup of coffee in a coffee factory!”

Over 100 million Americans, including the White House, depend on their EBT cards every day to feed themselves.

The Fall of Rome

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In the brief pamphlet discovered under a pile of unread Obamacare manuals there may be some insight into how the American Empire was eventually lost.

“The United States Empire of the twenty first century A.D. extended entirely across North America, including large swathes of South America, the Middle East and parts of South East Asia, Eurasia, Turkey, Israel, Egypt, and North Africa. The American Empire had been extended through military superiority as well as economic might during its heyday.

America was engaged in military skirmishes with the tribes in the Middle East in order to gain oil rich lands to run their 5 MPG SUVs back home. Strong presidents occasionally extended the empire while weak presidents tended to lose those lands. The largest organised rival of the Americans was the Persian Empire to the east. The Persians were the political descendants of the Parthians and successfully resisted American invasions countless times.


The American Empire had existed as an important power for over 60 years. They had installed military bases in over 50 countries, and American troops in over 150 nations around the globe. They had saturated the world with their entertainment and ideals, as well as enjoyed the benefits of being the predominant world currency thus giving them carte blanche to spend as they pleased from the spoils of their conquests.

All was not perfect, however. Presidents held absolute authority. This worked well with good presidents, but incompetent ones could do great harm. The rules for succession to the throne were never clear, and debilitating civil wars often resulted. The bureaucracy that managed the empire on a daily basis grew more corrupt, increasing the dissatisfaction of the common citizen. The wealth of the empire gradually concentrated in the hands of a minority while a large slave taxpayer population did all the work. The borders of the empire were immense and put a strain on military resources (500,000 soldiers defended a frontier that required 3 million or more to be secured). American conquests had ceased by 2015 A.D., bringing an end to massive inflows of plunder and stolen resources. Taxes increased and production fell as the work force declined. A plague may have killed 60 percent of the empire’s population from 2020-2025 A.D., further reducing trade and production.

By 2026, the American Empire was split into eastern and western halves in an attempt to make for easier rule and better control. In the latter part of 2027 after a brutal civil war had decimated much of the United States, there were now two presidents, one in the seceded South and one in the North of the mainland. The American Empire, now severely weakened by division and war was then ripe for attack by the barbarian hordes from the east and South America.”

The recovered pamphlet then seems to end abrubtly, with pages ripped out. The historians who are trying to piece together what happened to the former United States are still sifting through the rubble to find more clues.