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General Election: You Will Get Lib Dems Whichever Way You Vote

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That’s the good news, whichever way you vote in the 2015 elections, you will get the Lib Dems.

“It’s almost akin to getting a ring worm lodged firmly in your lower intestine. The Lib Dem parasites latch on and come with any political party you vote for. Is there a way to get rid of them? No, is the simple answer, and a heavy dose of antibiotics just makes them latch on even more,” a Westminster insider revealed yesterday.

What have the Lib Dems achieved during the current Coalition government? Not much apart from a nauseating whining noise as soon as they open their suppurating mouths.

Pawn Takes Knight Russia Bides Its Time

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“With debt obligations in excess of $70 trillion in 2012, can the US play economic games with Russia? After all, there is a self sufficiency to the Russians, they are used to hardship and toil, the Americans on the other hand are not used to scrimping and saving, they simply spend and spend even more.

“The cracks will eventually widen as the Russkies dig in, whereas the Yanks, who are addicted to their profligacy and over indulgence in all matters will simply spend more money that they do not have thus digging an even bigger debt hole for themselves.

“There is of course an element of good cop bad cop with the current brinkmanship being displayed, as in reality, Obama and Putin are keen followers of the same Marxist policies. This is simply a game, and since Americans feel they have scattered the contrived Islamic threat some what, there is a hunger to find a new enemy for the plebs to wave their jingoist flags and bay at.

“The economic war has been going on for some time, way before any Ukrainian excursion, however as things escalate, the main target will probably be the dollar.

“By simply putting a spanner in the cogs, Russia could destabilise the dollar initially making it rise to unheard of heights, then slapping it down to nothing. Many countries have been slowly unloading, and the dollar is not safe any more as a world currency. The dollar is key to global stability, but more importantly, it is crucial for Americans, purely as a fiat currency, this is why things are so cheap in the U.S. if that were to go, then the Americans would be paying inflated prices for goods that the rest of the world is forced to pay.

“It is interesting that whenever Obama utters a word, he makes sure he iterates the point that it is the rest of the world against Russia. America is not the ‘rest of the world’ they may think they are, but they are not any more, and it is this arrogance, and insular ignorance which will be their final undoing.”

Madonna Grows Escargot For Gourmet Diners

The exquisite taste of escargot nestled in dizzying butter, that has grown under the armpit of  the world’s most famous female pop star is a dream to behold, as it sizzles in a frying pan in one of New York’s most exclusive eateries.

Madonna has been cultivating snails under her arm pits for some time now, she has a penchant for such delicacies, and enjoys the feeling of companionship only a snail can give.

“I love the crunching sound when I lower my arm. These snails feed off my arm pit hair and the little critters that live there. They do tend to grow quite large, possibly due to the extra nutrients I give them,” Madonna said at New York’s premier French restaurant, Chez Salope.

The four Michelin starred restaurant also pays top dollar for the escargot, not only for the star factor of the grande dame of pop, but the sheer size of these bags of slimy puss.

Head chef, Gerard Draino, revealed: “Madonna’s escargot is delightful, they are succulent and have an amazing aroma. Our patrons naturally pay through the nose, and we’re not talking snot, but oodles of cash to eat a Madonna escargot.”

An Exclusive Tour of George Osborne’s Garden City

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George Osborne has been touting his proposed new Garden City in Ebbsfleet directly on a flood plain close to the Thames, and luckily for a few privileged fellows, he has revealed some plans of the wondrous project.

“Quite simply, when the area is not flooded, there will be numerous shops for people to enjoy in the Garden City. Betting shops, more betting shops, pawn shops, Polski Skleps and a Tesco every three yards. You will have second hand shops, maybe a food bank and a job centre for citizens to browse non existent jobs that nobody wants. The idyllic Garden City will be built around a concrete grey hub with a noisy high speed train running straight through the middle and in the local park will be an eco fracking centre next to the children’s playground. We will build hovels for the poor here, mostly ghastly tower blocks, where they can play bingo to their hearts content and wile away the many hours of utter, utter, fucking boredom drinking cheap piss water beer,” Mr Osborne said from his Surrey mansion.

Obama Threatens Putin With..er..You Know..Some Bad Stuff..

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President Obama has threatened that dastardly Russian Vladimir Putin with a good slap on the wrist. Something that will make him reach for the vodka, maybe a date with Obama’s wife would do the trick.

“I’m gonna do something bad to you Putin. You crossed the red line, so I drew another red line, then another one, you keep crossing the line nigga, so Ima gon threaten you with a measly sanction. Now go on git, you gotta gibsme a reason to reach fo’ ma gun, and I’m tellin’ you boy, Ima gettin’ itchy fingers here onda trigger. Worse still, I set Michelle on ya scrawny azz. You evah got yo butt kicked by an angry black woman? Thas what am thinkin’ boy, no cracka azz biotch gonna sho me up in front of all ma bruthas and sistas, Ima gon take da fight to you,” President Obama said from under his desk clutching the phone with shaky hands, this time not opting for a twitter photo.

New Theory: Was Malaysian Airliner a Stealth Fighter?

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Crash experts have come up with a new theory that is bound to boggle the mind, and it states that the Malaysian Airliner MH370 was a secret stealth fighter smuggled out of a base somewhere in the U.S.

“We think that flight MH370, a Boeing 777 somehow transformed in mid air into the latest stealth fighter from America’s military. All the pilot had to do was press a button and the wings shrunk, a protective radar resistant foam was spray painted over the fuselage and the tail wing morphed into an x wing or something like that. Damn, I’d pay good money to see that,” Gerald Ingram, a crash investigator and engineer revealed to CNN.

If this is true, that means the stealth fighter could be anywhere in the world right now as it would have extra fuel tanks, or if there are collaborators, most certainly the plane was refuelled in the air.

Man Finds Cure For 40p Tax Rate

“It’s quite simple really, don’t work. What’s the point in working if all your money goes away never to be seen again? There’s a bit of madness in that, don’t you think? Let’s look at it this way, your money that you work bloody hard for, is siphoned straight out of your account and goes away, you worked for that, now it’s gone. That’s it! And what do you get for that money that was taken away? Nothing. Simple as that folks. You get nothing but a big wide eyed stare. That’s the 40p tax rate explained for you,” the man said from his hammock in his back garden whilst cradling a nice jug of ale.

Maybe someone should tell the other worker bees about such thoughts.

Tips on Painting the Parisian City

 

When choosing which medium to paint the Parisian landscape, delve into your surroundings, as Paris is now a polluted traffic nightmare, you will not need oils or water colour, instead opt for charcoal sticks and a bucket of polluted water.

The canvas should preferably be a dark colour as if it is white, when you add the grey clouds of polluted air into your master piece it would invariably be tiresome to say the least. You will only need two colours in your palette, grey and dark grey, if you are feeling adventurous, maybe some black.

Artists have always marvelled at the quality of light in Paris, but you should discard this altogether as you will not be able to see five paces in front of you let alone the Eiffel tower. Forgetting the great painters, like Monet, Rodin, Matisse, Cézanne, Toulouse-Lautrec, Degas will be an easy task in today’s Paris, as they painted idyllic portraits and landscapes of an altogether different time where even though there was industrial pollution, it was not half as bad as Paris today.

Prince Charles Letter to Daily Squib Urges Restraint

Prince Charles has penned another letter, this time to the Daily Squib, urging restraint in satirical matters, we can reveal the letter in full for the first time.

Dear Daily Squib,

One enjoys one’s awkward peeps into the nether regions of your site on the odd occasion, that is when the horsey allows one. One is urging you, the Daily Squib to please tone down the royal stuff as we do chuckle sometimes but we are..er..royal and you’re not meant to take the Prince Michael out of one. Lazy Kate and Ginger all agree it is a bit too much, as for Cressie, all this royal limelight is sort of off putting to put it lightly. ‘ere, if you stop with the old satire stuff we could give one of your writers an O.B.E, or even have them decapitated, oops did one write that? One meant knighted, not chopped orf, shame those days are gone as one would like a few ministers in the Tower with their heads on a stick. Andy Pandy says his Croation escort tires him out incessantly but the writing in the Squib tires him out even further, it so very tedious. As for mama, she’s a trained assassin as you already know, and if she gets a snifter of any more ridiculous satirical nonsense, she may get rather high in dudgeon. One must not forget papa’s wrath, as he speaketh with a very versatile forked tongue.

 

p.s. Please take that seal of royal approval down and replace it with one of distinct un-approval.

 

Yours Sincerely

Charlie

 

After receiving the Prince Charles letter, we were required by royal decree to always display the Royal Seal of Un-Approval on our publication at all times.

Squib_Royal_Seal_of_Unapproval

 

Experts: What Exactly Did Putin Read in Those Snowden Files?

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“As the forces of Russia build up in Crimea, something has got Putin’s goat, he knows something about the U.S. and what he knows he may have garnered from the Snowden files.

“Who knows what piece of information Putin is acting on, as those NSA files distributed by Edward Snowden were certainly detailed — that is the files that have been released for public consumption.

“What we do know is that the West has been spying on people, but this is not news to many, they have been doing it for centuries, as has the rest of the world, everyone is spying on everyone. These days however, the spying is more thorough as we live in a digital age where information can be appropriated in higher volumes and with increased depth and detail.

“David Cameron has unfortunately weakened the British army, as Obama has weakened the U.S. army, so who is to stand against the mighty bear Russia?

“All this talk about the UK/US economy rising and rising, seems like a red herring for those in the know. All it will take to strike fear into the economists is a well placed chess piece from the Russians. Chess is something Putin knows about, and Obama has been shown to be a rank amateur when it comes to geopolitical or military strategy, he is a talking illusion, all marketing and no substance, without his special advisers and teleprompter he amounts to a walking vacation. Cameron himself, is almost invisible, it is sometimes hard to believe he is actually there when he rarely appears on the screens, he is well versed in brown nosing though. No doubt military strategists are daily whispering in their ears about certain points of interest, but against the might of Russia and China, who is to say what can happen? Economic sanctions from the weakened West  serve no purpose but are tools to make events spiral further out of control, as Russia would have no option but to strike other targets decisively.

“The Russkie bear is being baited, it has been roused from hibernation, and if it sniffs fear and danger, its claws strike downwards tearing large chunks of flesh from its victim. A possible set up in a much larger game, maybe, but dangerous and foreboding all the same.

“The downward strike may equally create a wound on the supposed resurging economies of the West as the bull turns to bear, but any sane economist should know that the markets have been rising on artificial air, there is no real economic pulse, no jobs, and no real green shoots, in reality, we never recovered from 2008, and the same ways of operating in the financial markets are all too prevalent. If the markets were to fall by 90% in the space of two or three days, people would be left with nothing. Hyperinflation would set in, the supermarkets would have empty shelves, and all commodities would be out of reach for millions. Pensions would be rendered worthless, bank accounts would be frozen and the over inflated house prices would not amount to much when no one would be thinking in their wildest dreams of buying a house, first buy me and my family a meal. In America, the citizens are currently allowed to defend themselves with firearms, but in the U.K. citizens have been disarmed that is apart from the criminals. Lest we forget Obama’s ‘care’, something that was a smokescreen, a costly piddle in the dark that was never meant to materialise, and is a dead duck in the tepid waters of a doomed fiat currency. Try pay for your Obamacare when you have no food.

“This is why it is in the best interests for the West to let Putin take Ukraine, as he allowed the U.S. and U.K. to take Iraq, Libya, Tunisia, Egypt and Afghanistan for their natural resources/strategic positions. The West tried to take Syria with a full blown invasion in August 2013 but were thwarted by Labour’s Ed Miliband in parliament when he vetoed the vote to go to war. Because of him, Obama called off the invasion, and now the mess is even worse than it was then. Maybe Miliband is part of the plan, we will never know, but his actions alone enabled Russia to invade the Ukraine in March 2014.”

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