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Think Tank: Britain Needs Its Own European Union

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Is Britain in or out of the EU? Former German Chancellor Gerhard Schröder seems to think that cutting Britain loose from the Communo-fascist EU bloc would be a good thing. A prominent British think tank seems to think along the same lines as the unelected EU technocrats.

“Full assimilation of the EU in a non-democratic fascistic pseudo-communist state is being held back by Britain. There are many variables to the current malaise in Brussels over the stalwart British resolve to keep away from an entity that strips nations of sovereignty and financial freedom. Therefore, if the EU, controlled from Brussels and powered by Germany, will not stop meddling with Britain’s financial hegemony it is a viable alternative to create a new EU controlled from London, England. This would be the true European Union as Britain is at the centre and top of the world in finance, although not technically located on the European mainland, it is central to complete global unity,” Jason Argo, one of the geo-policy architects in the think tank told the BBC.

Naturally upon hearing of the proposals made by the British EU policy think tank, unelected EU officials in Brussels were up in arms steadfastly rejecting any thought of Britain ruling over them.

The European Union is at a crossroads and judging by the daily propaganda blasted out in Britain by the controlled press, they are desperate to brainwash the pliant British public in to throwing away their British sovereignty further by embracing complete EU integration.

“Once Britain is fully integrated into the EU black hole that’s it for them. They are a defeated nation. We have already flooded their borders with EU citizens and completely changed their country, it is only a matter of time before their weak politicians, like that lap dog Cameron force the British to accept defeat once and for all. We will not need one single Panzer or Blitzkrieg for our victory,” Mr. Schröder barked at a recent EU meeting.

Twitter IPO Billionaire Just Wants to Buy Bird Feed

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Speaking from a park in down town San Francisco the new Twitter IPO  billionaire was anxious to buy as much bird seed as he could.

“Can you imagine the amount of bird feed I could get? We can get bucket loads of it and feed all the birds in the world. No bird will ever go hungry again. I want to give something back to the birds, hell if it wasn’t for a little tweety bird, I would never have made all this money.”

There is only one minor drawback to overfeeding all those birds, and that’s the corrosive white stuff ejaculated out of their bird bottoms all over the place.

City officials are weary about the billion dollar bird feeding scheme proposed by the Twitter billionaire.

“We have enough crap over the streets anyway, we certainly don’t want any more in the way of bird poop. That many birds would make our cities into a white bird poop soup,” Dana Claritas, a city street maintenance official told the Frisky Echo newspaper.

Voodoo Priest Brought In to Fix Obamacare Website

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Forget about Java or PHP, the new Obamacare website fixer is using chickens and a special powder that is guaranteed to make the website run correctly.

“President Obama uses this guy a lot. Like he used him for the stock market, and the two election wins. We got a plastic sheet in the oval office spread out so the blood don’t stain the carpet. Obama is at a loss on how this damn website is gonna get fixed. We tried the Google tech boys but they’re too busy on those barges eating profiteroles in the hospitality lounges or sitting on fancy coloured weird shaped sofas to care about Obamacare,” White House spokesman, Harvey Jenkem, told ABC news.

Millions of Americans have been trying to log onto the site to get some much needed Obamacare for over two months, and hopefully the voodoo priest will call on the spirits to open the doors soon.

“Shit, it’s gonna take more than magic to get me some health care. All the doctors in my area have left the profession or retired. I now have to travel 500 miles to get some f*ckin’ treatment at an increased cost of over 300%,” a disgruntled retired fire man told local CBS news stations in Delaware.

Thousands of Obama zombies across the nation, on hearing about the wonderful Obamacare news, started chanting Obama’s name and walking the streets with their hands outstretched, nothing new about that of course.

Man on Deathbed Wishes He Spent More Time on Facebook

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People have many regrets and when the time comes to check out from this world, some regrets hurt more than others.

Forget about canoeing up the Amazon river, or traversing the Kalahari desert, skydiving over Baja or enjoying a relaxing cocktail on the tree tops hotel in Kenya. Millions of people worldwide reveal their life regrets as the time they spent on social networking sites.

People like Joel Wisehammer who was profoundly saddened that he did not spend more time on Facebook aimlessly wiling away the hours talking about nothing much in particular.

Look at the meal I had today, here is a photo of said meal, look at the drink I drank today, yes I had two cups, look at the day time TV show I watched today, do you want to be friends with me?

Coulson and Brooks Pictured On Honeymoon

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Newly weds Andy and Rebekah Coulson, were promptly whisked away today from the Old Bailey after an opulent wedding in the dock.

Their honeymoon destination was a heavily guarded secret, but the prison van was seen heading towards Wormwood Scrubs prison where the happy couple will spend their honeymoon in separate cells at Her Majesty’s Pleasure.

The Bride and Groom left their wedding venue covered in blankets, however the couples’ former employees, a gaggle of Sun reporters  waiting at the exit were still able to quiz them on their joyous day.

“I can’t wait to spend the next six years of married life behind bars hacking away. This time I’ll be trying to hack  at the wall to break out as opposed to hacking celebrity phones,” former Sun editor, Andy Coulson was quoted by the tabloid.

Kate Middleton Found Between Palace Sofa Cushion

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Kate Middleton, The Duchess of Cambridge went missing for nearly three-and-a-half hours yesterday royal palace staff duchessrevealed today.

At three pm yesterday an alarm was sounded and there was a complete shut down of all palace entrances as staff and protection officers frantically searched for the Duchess of Cambridge.

Two helicopters were deployed to search the grounds of Kensington palace and a team of two hundred police officers were involved in the massive search party.

“We searched high and low but could not find her anywhere. It was rather worrying but when we were in the royal apartment’s sitting room we heard a little squeaking noise. I got the mop out thinking it was a mouse. Lo and behold, it was the duchess, she had slipped behind the sofa cushion, the poor dear,” Rosa Rouncewell, the duchess’s maid in waiting told the BBC.

The duchess was very grateful for being rescued from behind the sofa cushion and said that she had accidentally slipped behind there when trying to sit back on the sofa.

Once rescued, she was told to rest by her personal physician and was placed for safety’s sake in between a copy of Harper’s Bazaar magazine lying on the table.

Lucky for the Duchess she was found just in time for another taxpayer funded holiday with her royal husband, Prince William. Just what the doctor ordered, innit.

10 Cheap Ways to Keep Warm This Winter

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It’s never easy is it, especially when you’re given the stark choice of feeding yourself or heating yourself in the sub zero dank temperatures that are sure to cause many deaths amongst the elderly and vulnerable population of Britain this winter? It certainly does not have to break the bank to get some warmth during the winter months.

Let the Daily Squib warm the cockles of your heart with these 10 great cheap tips for getting some warmth this winter.

10 Tips For Keeping Warm Cheaply This Winter

1)  Why not stow away on a boat to Guatemala? Don’t forget to take some mosquito repellent and a machete to fend off the armed and dangerous bandits roaming everywhere once you get there.

2) Mogadishu, Somalia, may be lawless but at least it’s f*cking warm. Don’t forget to take an AK-47.

3) Australia is so hot that you will actually forget Britain ever existed, that is if you can put up with the whinging Aussies and the Great White sharks chomping on your tiddlies.

4) Go to Thailand. You can live like a king for 5 quid a day and enjoy some very colourful nights out.

5) Snuggle up in the Sahara desert. It’s certainly not like a dark freezing night in a Bermondsey council flat with no food or heating. Don’t forget to take some water with you and a jacket for the even more freezing desert nights.

6) Enjoy the sights and sounds of the Papua New Guinean jungles. Be sure to have a pistol with you at all times to ward off the cannibals.

7) Another great warm destination is Colombia. Not only will you have plenty of sunshine but the local produce is amazing, especially when sniffed.

8) How about some Caribbean sunshine to warm the soul? Haiti is hot all year round, that is if you can manage the earthquakes, cut-throat gangs and mad voodoo priests. Why not give it a go? You may never come back.

9) Cuba is cheap and sunny. If you’re up for eating octopus all day long and being arrested by the commie secret police for being a foreign spy, it’s a small price to pay for some sunshine.

10) Nothing beats the freezing British winter than a stay on Mount Merapi on the Indonesian island of Java. The smouldering volcano erupts once in awhile with lovely bilious spurts of scorching lava and as long as you’re not directly next to the stuff, you can harness some of the warmth. Beats the freezing weather back in Blighty any day.

India to Send Sanitation Rocket to Mars

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Project leader Sanjit Gupta extolled the virtues of the vastly expensive Mars sanitation expedition.

“Over a third of the Indian population do not have running water, live in shacks under conditions of extreme poverty and hopelessness, so this is why we spent over $75 million on the project. Better to give the Martians running water than our own people.”

The spacecraft is set to travel for 300 days, reaching Mars orbit in 2014 where it will land and plant the first functioning toilet system in Martian history on the planet’s surface.

The twin engine rocket will be powered by a dedicated team of slum children who will then be jettisoned out into space prior to the rocket landing on the Martian surface.

“We are very proud of our achievement. Now please excuse me while I go out and give our rocket peddlers a few morsels to eat, they haven’t eaten in weeks and will need all the energy they can get,” Mr Gupta said.

Infowars Happy Radio Show About U.S. Government

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There was shock across the interwebs today as stalwart justice keeper Infowars broadcaster Alex Jones said something nice about the U.S. government.

Speaking on his daily mouth frothing session, Jones looked strangely calm as he slowly said a few words about the virtues of the U.S. government’s policies.

One viewer, Ed Dweebs was visibly shocked at the Jones turnaround and commented on the site as did many others.

“I could see him talking in calm considered tones. At one point he started to twitch uncontrollably and a bead of sweat tentatively meandered down his bulging forehead. Was he going to relapse? Well, he shook it off and just carried on talking about how great the economy is doing and then he actually said that gun control might be the right thing to do after all. Obamacare was not such a bad thing either. When he invited rock singer Eddie Vedder onto the show he took his gun from his holster and put it in the bin. At that point I spat out my coffee all over the screen.”

All was revealed at the end of the show when Jones started plugging his latest product, the Super Calm and Comply serum which stands to make him and his business partners millions more than usual. Sponsored by the U.S. government, Alex Jones has found this product trumps all other products with its superior profits.

“I seen the light. Selling products utilising fear had limited success. I was still making millions but that’s never enough. I’m now working with the government and profits have quadrupled,” Mr Jones said before shooting off in his new Ferrari after the show.

Prince Harry Caught Snorting Jo Brand

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The temporary show presenter, Jo Brand was exiting the studios after filming had ended for the comedy news programme when she was accosted by Prince Harry and a team of royal protection officers.

Eyewitness Ronnie Helmsdale, a BBC producer tried to step in to stop the snorting but was kicked to the ground.

“Jo walked out the back of the studio and suddenly these huge guys got hold of her. Then out of the royal car stepped Prince Harry. He didn’t have his usual uniform on so I did not recognise him at first. He then went up to Jo Brand and started snorting her hair. I’ve never seen anything like it. Harry’s eyes rolled up into their sockets and all I saw were the whites of his eyes, almost as if he was in ecstasy. It only took ten seconds, she was all gone by then,” Mr. Helmsdale, who is now receiving counselling, recalled.

No one knows what happened to Jo Brand and the Metropolitan Police have been told to not do anything about it, you know like not search for her, or anything like that.

The Palace has maintained a dignified silence over the incident.