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Google Algorithm Caught Fighting With Yahoo Algorithm

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“We had to get some mediators in this morning when the fight spilled over onto the Microsoft Bing network,” a distraught Google engineer revealed today at 2pm (EST).

By late afternoon the chaos continued as the Yahoo algorithm started threatening the Google algorithm with misleading search answers.

Internet users on both search engines were getting odd and conflicting answers to their questions.

One user, Archibald Leftwick, 28, from Los Angeles wrote on his blog: “I was searching for the latest Obamacare news and asked the question, ‘Where can I get Obamacare?’ the answer Google gave caught me by surprise, it was just a single blank page with a gif of a tongue flapping at me. Then I went to Yahoo and searched for the same thing, all I got was a single sentence saying ‘Google is a big stinky poo and needs to douche’. That’s when I just gave up for the day.”

As for the daily Google doodle, that was changed by the Yahoo algorithm to a picture of the Yahoo logo, which infuriated many staunch Googlers worldwide.

As of writing, things have calmed down a little but engineers are still standing by just in case the algorithms start up again.

A Celebration of the Life of Prince Charles

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Tony Blair Brokers Deal to Speak in Philippines

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The two hour speech will net the former British prime minister an amazing $6,720,000, of which he will not give a penny to the dying and destitute Filipinos.

Blair’s operations manager said: “Tony will be safely enclosed within an air conditioned bullet proof see-through glass container where he will not smell the stench of rotting bodies or hear the awful cries of the dying children. He will talk for two hours about numerous subjects including little bits of knowledge on how multi-national banking corporations can squeeze more money out of the pockets of poor people, and how corporate greed actually helps the Third World. Once the speech ends, he will be whisked away to Manila to stay at the five star Hilton and enjoy lavish dining sessions with corrupt Filipino government officials. Cherie will not be there, so enough said about the nightly entertainment.”

Tony Blair’s itinerary has been quite full this month and he stands to gross over $62 million in untaxed income.

Russell Brand Talks About His Champagne Socialism

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Speaking at the Savoy hotel after another all night orgy with some slapper groupies he dug up from under a flyover in Hackney, the copiously rich former comedian went into full Russell mode in front of shocked guests in the tea room yesterday.

“Here, ‘ave you read my bookie wookie, it’s a Penguin classic? Na listen ‘ere I’ve had a paradigm shift in my perception. I’ve made a million or three from being a performing paradigm monkey, yeah, I’ve milked the system, I’m part of the banking culture myself. I did it all for money. It’s all about making money and shagging as many birds as the tiddler can take. But ooh, I’ve had a pang of socialist paradigm conscience innit. I was sipping champagne with my mate Ed Miliband in his 2.6 million pand mansion and it hit me in the f*cking face, my paradigm conscience wonshunce reared it’s ugly head, you know like a morning stiffy after a hard night sniffing coke from wads of freshly stacked paradigmous fifty pand notes straight from my bank account.”

By this time, Russell Brand was frothing at the mouth and shaking with anger such was the vitriol with which he delivered his empty soliloquy.

“This is why I’m going to give all my money to all the poor people innit. I’m going to go and live in an ashram somewhere in India and practice yoga all day long. Forget my positively heaving bank account the spoils of which I reaped from being a corporate whore. No more I tell you. And look at me, I am a pretender. I dress like a rock star thanks to my expensive stylist, but I can’t even play a single note on an instrument, it was all fake. My cocaine speaking style, at a thousand miles an hour, however is not fake. That is of course the only real thing about me.”

After his speech, Brand then took out an elastic band and wrapped it around his arm, gently teasing out a syringe from his jacket pocket he flicked the end, smiled then spiked a vein exhaling in relief, sighing in abject ecstasy. O how he has dreamed of this moment, he is back home once again.

Experts: World Entering New Feudal Era

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According to a team of globalisation experts at the Facilitative Unitive Central Kytomitonic Education Directorate, London, the world is entering a new era of feudal dictatorship through the use of austerity and removal of all privacy, freedom of speech, and total all encompassing mass surveillance.

“What we are seeing is an increasing distribution of wealth being repatriated incrementally every year towards the higher echelons. Through the tactical introduction of extreme austerity and  higher taxation on the land’s vassals, the feudal lords are increasing the velocity at which every single penny is stolen from the already near empty wallets of the plebeians,” senior research fellow, professor Rufus Templar, wrote in a recent analytical paper.

The professor added: “In the United States, the so-called Obamacare law is in fact an increased taxation on the population, and this cannot be disputed as American citizens are fined and given large penalties for not complying with the new draconian laws being forced upon them. The additional controlling factors towards the push for eventual feudalism are the scarcity of employment and limitation of food supplies on the peasantry as well as the forthcoming disarmament of previously armed citizens.

“The British people are however very used to the feudal system and heavy taxation as they have known it since the 9th century during the Middle Ages. The peasants take daily beatings from their masters like ducks take to water in Britain and happily endure any indignity foisted on them whilst smiling at their controllers.

“In the West there were predominantly only two eras, the feudal era and the capitalist era. September 11, 2001, was the signal at the beginning of the century that the capitalist era had ended and the elite banking system engineered a perpetual depression in 2008 to bring in a permanent state of austerity (poverty) on the world’s civilian population.

“The post-consumerist era will be an altogether different world where machines will supersede the capabilities of the previous human tax slaves. The false democracy espoused by Western nations was always a cover to stop any thoughts of revolution, but it is apparent that this form of consumerist led slavery is not working any more and as the curtain is drawn, the monsters of oppressive overt reality show their ugly faces to the blind masses. The machines will patrol and police as well as serve their lords as the human peasants did in the past, therefore that leaves the question, what to do with the remaining humans, who will not have food, not have shelter and not have the same employment under their previous masters in past history? That question can only be answered by time itself, as we are still in the early stages of austerity. The machines will also invariably replace the human soldiers and the police that are defending their masters now. It is apparent that these brainwashed pawns in an altogether larger game will be trampled upon and replaced as eagerly as the rest of the masses.”

Christmas Flash Mob Rob Shopping Season Starts Early in America

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If you’re in the stock market, you will have reaped the many benefits of the Federal Reserve’s QE programs printing over $80 billion per month.

“My stock portfolio just keeps going up and up. I have made so much money that I do not know what to do with it,” a banker working for Goldman Sachs revealed to the Financial Times.

Christmas shopping season has also come early for those not tied to anything as crass and vulgar as handing over money to shops when taking goods.

Obama’s Children

Millions of young people see what the others have and naturally want some of that too.

“We can go into any shop we want, take anything we want, then leave. Don’t have to pay a dime for it all. The police usually come after and by that time we cleaned the shop out,” an anonymous hooded individual told CBS news.

All over America the frenzied flash mob rob shopping season is quickening its pace. What used to be a once daily flash robbery occurrence is now nearly 24 hours of the day with young people taking racks and racks of goods from the shelves.

“We’re keeping the economy going. We come and clean up all the goods and walk out without paying, and the shop owners have to re-stock. That is good for the economy because they have to keep paying and paying their suppliers,” another young person revealed.

The French Surrender to S&P

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“Mes amis, we did not fight again. Instead we did the usual trick, you know lay down, stick our legs in the air and carry on eating our delicious cuisine. You see these Américains, they are in worse shape than us really, but they think they can rate us? Zut, where is Napoleon when you need him? I suppose les Américains saved us from le Jerry in WW2 on Omaha beach or something like that. Our detractors may say we surrendered, au contraire, we have not surrendered we are still AA, not AA+,” French Finance Minister, Jean Halitose, told Le Figaro today.

French Premier, Francois Hollande was not phased about the recent downgrading as he was too busy increasing le tax just a little bit more.

Did NSA Spy on Santa?

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Billions of children around the world were said to be very upset today as news agencies reported the odious goings on by the NSA.

Speaking from the North Pole, chief elf, Dingbat Ringworm had some words to say about the sordid situation.

Angry Elves

“When I logged onto the mainframe to adjust some Christmas present lists, my cursor suddenly started to move of its own accord. Then I got an email from someone called Eddy Snowden, he said the feds had been spying on Santa. Not only that, the Christmas lists were then sold to some guy called Zucky, or Zucker. Now that dude sold the lists to marketers and ad agencies so the shit is absolutely everywhere now. Let’s just say when Santa heard about it all his beard nearly spontaneously combusted. Never seen the guy that angry since Frizwald dropped a load of Xmas prezzies last year when loading the sleigh.”

No More Windows 97?

Because of the database invasion, Santa has now ordered all his elves to write the Christmas present lists on paper. This means Christmas could be delayed by three whole weeks because of the mammoth task at hand for his little helpers.

“It looks like we have to go back to the bad old days huh. I don’t even know if we have enough paper to write it all up. Thank you NSA, You just made our lives a lot harder,” another disgruntled elf told the Elven Times.

Britain Ready to Accept Cream of the Crop

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Excited and eager Britons are going to enjoy doling out some British hospitality to the millions of poor former Soviet bloc citizens from some of the most destitute EU areas in the early part of 2014.

With the NHS and schools already straining to support the mass open-door immigration policy under the previous Labour government, the next influx dictated by Brussels is estimated to be over 8-12 million people looking for benefits, free schools and free medical treatment in 2014.

Cream of the Crop

“Even though the mass influx of the poorest, most uneducated people will ensure the complete destruction of the NHS and benefits system, I welcome them to Britain so they can breed and breed and breed. We don’t need educated people coming here like doctors, lawyers and other professionals, we need goat herders, pickpockets, criminals and professional benefits cheats. Why should we adopt a system like Australia and New Zealand where one must have a profession and job lined up, as well as an ability to sustain one’s self financially? No, that is too logical, because we’re a tiny island with limited space and resources we must accept half the Third World and the poorest elements of the EU in so they can take all the benefits and increase crime, all of course because Brussels says we should,” Tony Alpine, a happy worker from the City told the Daily Mail.

Another eager Brit also explained his joy at receiving millions more poor, uneducated immigrants into the tiny British Isles: “It’s the done thing to do innit. We’re Brits. You know we don’t say anything. When they take all our medical treatment, take over our schools and destroy our benefits system, those who still have jobs in the UK must work harder to pay for it all. Stiff upper lip and all. Just think, out of every ten quid you make, eight pounds fifty will go to the tax man to pay for the immigration benefits and eco taxes. Oh, don’t forget the fuel duty as well, every pound you spend at the pumps, eighty nine pence of that is tax. It’s all going towards daily payments to Brussels and immigration. I love it and I’m going to work really hard at my job so that I get nothing back. Thank you. I am so happy now,” Norman Price, an accountant who earns over £70,000 a year told the BBC.

All Emails to be Made Fully Public

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Dan Ainsley, controller for email systems running through the global central processing unit has been given the task of publishing every private email sent by users since the year 2000.

“This is a great moment in public private transparency and has been speeded up thankfully by the NSA scandal a few months ago. We basically have all the information from email users anyway so it is in the public interest that their private emails are published,” Mr Ainsley told a public records hearing yesterday.

All internet companies have been directed to comply with the new directive and are keen to go ahead with the project, purely on the basis that advertising revenue will explode when the emails are made public.

“President Obama called me up yesterday and he congratulated me on the new project. He said it is in the best interests that all privacy is removed from individuals across the globe and will bring humanity together once and for all,” Ainsley added.

The private to public switch will happen in August 2014, and will encompass all emails up to the year 2000. Each person’s name and identity will be marked on the emails even if they changed internet companies during the period up to present. The massive database, hosted at NSA headquarters will be fully searchable for anyone in the world.

“This is a great idea. I lost some of my emails from 2006 so I can locate them now. Wow, why didn’t anyone think about this before?” Skylar Rambone, 32, an office worker from New Jersey told ABC news.