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Drought Warning For Britain

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The Environment Agency has announced another drought warning in England and Wales the BBC confirmed today.

“We haven’t had a drop of rain for bloody ages. If this goes on all the reservoirs will dry up in Britain,” Jim Peterson, a worker for Melcham council in Surrey revealed.

There is a strict hose pipe ban in place  and households have been told to flush the loo only once a week.

Doris Huckley, 64, complained bitterly to the Sun newspaper about the bans in place.

“How ma meant to wash me ‘air? This is ridiculous, haven’t seen water for weeks. I’m praying for it to rain. Forgotten what it was like to have a bath. Me lawn’s all dry, and I’ve been in the same clothes for weeks. Rain, rain where are you?”

Hopefully it will rain soon, but otherwise be careful with the water usage, every drop counts.

Beyonce: “I Did Have Musical Relations With That President”

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The curvy songstress Beyonce is penning a new song about her favourite president.

“I had just left the White House one morning while Michelle was still in Hawaii, when I had to put pen to paper. It’s called the Obama Song. Yeah, I know not very imaginative but I’m not exactly a rocket scientist am I?”

On hearing of the musical affair, president Obama said: “I did not have musical relations with that woman.”

Meanwhile, a stink has come over the White House, maybe Michelle is smelling some rotten chitlins, who can blame the president for wanting an upgrade?

Download Flappy Bird App Here

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If you’ve missed out on the Flappy Bird app and want to download the whole app, here is your chance as it has sadly been removed from Apple’s app store by its creator Dong Nguyen.

 

 

please scroll down to get the app

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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just a little further

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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keep flapping

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

flap

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

flap

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

chirp chirp

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

keep flying

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ooh watch out for the pillar

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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nearly there

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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flap mania

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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getting closer to the end

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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oh my..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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ahh here it is..

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry you hit a pillar click this link to start over again..then deposit £150,000 into our account to get the app.

Experts: EU Wants to Know What’s in Your Will For Very Good Reason

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Constitutional experts have teamed up with financial experts from the British Finance Directorate to reveal the real reasons for the EU wanting to rifle through everyone’s Will in the UK.

“First, one must define the word ‘collectivisation’ simply defined, the goal of this policy is to consolidate individual land and labour into collective farms. Stalin was a proponent of this technique of taking all wealth from every strata of class and redistributing it ‘equally’. As we all know, this was not the case as the majority of the wealth was firmly held by the upper echelons of the Communist party. The exact same system is being proposed by the EU. They want to publish the details of your Will so that the soviet collectivist EU dream can be realised. What you own now, will not be yours any more, it will be the property of the state to distribute as they see fit. This is the next stage of the EU collectivist dystopia. It does have its initial roots in Marxism, and to some extent Obama is doing the same in America by destroying the bourgeoisie. The Middle Class in Britain has been decapitated, as the British are so obsessed by class, the EU may have quite a hard time destroying the British class system altogether. Once Labour, headed by hardcore Marxist, Ed Miliband is voted in, the British will have sealed their fate. If you own any property, have a bank account, you will be punished, as were the Cypriots in the 2012 bank deposit grab. This is how the EU will act and there is nothing anyone can do about it. If you vote for David Cameron in 2015, he will enter Britain into EU slavery slowly, as opposed to the harder edged approach of Miliband.”

Preparing for a feudal system etched into a communist ethos, will impoverish millions of people in Europe. One only has to look at the tricked populations in the EU today drowning in their own faeces.

Britain had a feudal history, and the future will be an assimilation of the old system of rule, except with technology giving an edge to the ruling Lords. All of course ruled by the ultimate Lords of Brussels.

Winter Olympics: Eduard Snowdenski Wins Gold For Russia in Ski Jump

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Eduard Snowdenski, a relative newcomer to the Russian large hill ski jump event jumped a massive 296.4 meters.

Cheered on by the crowd, when he got to the bottom with a near perfect landing, he raised his hands in triumph at his amazing jump in the Sochi Winter Olympics event.

After the qualifying round yesterday, today’s jump beat all the competition.

Team NSA (USA) had to contend with a silver medal but they were consoled by the fact that they were able to extensively bug the hotel rooms in the Olympic village and even managed to put a tracking device under Vladimir Putin’s shoe.

Sochi Lesbians Kiss on the Slopes

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Two slalom skiers, one from Russia and one from Austria, were caught kissing sensually on the slopes before the competition, winter Olympics officials revealed.

One of the judges for the skiing competition, Igor Rasputinski revealed the racy details: “It was a gorgeous day, the sun streamed through the trees warming us. I was on the top of the slope and Olga, a very beautiful skier who was about to race, bent down to check her ski boots, when she looked up again she must have caught the eye of this fantastic looking Austrian girl. They immediately said a few words before they enjoyed a very sensual French kiss which went on for six minutes thirty two seconds, I was timing it. They looked in each other’s eyes again, then Olga went down the slope joined later by Andrea the other skier. I had to go and have a long cold shower afterwards, not out of my choice but because there is no hot water in the hotel showers in Sochi.”

The two skiers went on to win joint gold medals and were cheered by the joyous crowd.

Bill Clinton Google Glass Video Feed in Great Demand

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Former U.S. president, Bill Clinton has been chosen by Google to be one of the first presidential recipients of the new Google glasses which record everything.

“I am honoured to receive such a gift. As you all know, my exploits are highly entertaining and I may from time to time share these experiences with the public. Naturally, I will be selling the videos from a special subscription website so Hillary can rest assured that her reputation will stay intact.”

The former president spends most of his days at his presidential library where the young female librarians cater to his book finding needs.

“I ask them to find certain books for me. The ones that are on the highest shelf. I like to hold the ladder so they don’t fall, but if they do, I’m there to catch them.”

Osborne: “Britain’s Economy Has Recovered During the Great Depression We’re Still In”

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Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, today announced the remarkable pre-election recovery of Britain’s economy during the great depression we are all stuck in right now.

“Manufacturing had a massive increase of 0.00001% and retail sales are up a whopping 0.0000002%. These figures are remarkable you cannot deny. Coupled with house price rises because we let in half the population of the world, it’s all hunky dory my oik friends. I know you’re all living off the credit cards now to pay everyday bills, and subsisting on pot noodles, but look on the bright side, this great depression is going to reach a new phase soon and your daily miserable existence may be alleviated when the whole bloody lot comes crashing down. Oops, did I let the cat out of the bag too soon, please forgive me and carry on as normal, do keep watching your reality shows and surfing the Facebook.”

The Chancellor then went on to announce more tax increases for everyone and an extra bonus for welfare recipients who will enjoy further cuts effective immediately.

Labour shadow Chancellor, Ed Balls was quick to jump in rebuking Osborne.

“If it wasn’t for us the Tories would not be in this mess, and I can therefore count on all your votes so that we can borrow even more money to imprison generations to come in even further debt when you vote us back in in 2015. You, Osborne are an irresponsible maniac for your treacherous electioneering economic trickery. Excuse me, I’ve got a piano lesson to go to.”

What Happens When Dumb People Become Famous?

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Ruiz Temple, is an entertainment expert who has been in the business for over 50 years.

“There’s a very good reason why unintelligent people are made famous either as useless celebrities or sub-par pop outfits. Firstly, in the fickle society we inhabit, intelligence or talent is not valued in the entertainment industry, instead a good cheek bone structure or nose will do the job. You can be practically brain dead, but as long as you have the look, you will be famous.

“Secondly, dumb people are easier to control by the clever people behind the scenes. The stupid moronic idiots that are being peddled like performing monkeys do get a piece of the money pie, but only a small percentage of what their handlers are getting. In the entertainment industry, it would be detrimental to have a performer who was self aware and intelligent with knowledge of how they are being exploited. This is why clever people cannot be performing monkeys. That role is best left to the dumb, narcissistic, egotistical morons.

“Once a performer has outlived his/her usefulness, they are usually dumped by their handlers. This usually then results in the performer going off the rails. Maybe there is an element of realisation for them that they were used, but mostly it is an attention seeking exercise. Additional factors contributing to the downfall include loss of expert guidance by their intelligent handlers. Stupid performing animals need to be told exactly what to do at all times, once that’s gone, the facade they were projecting is lifted. If the celebrity or pop tart dies, then the managing party will have the opportunity to cream off even more money from post mortem sales and documentaries as well as merchandise.

“In today’s entertainment business why are stupid people valued so much compared to other eras? Well, the dumbing down of the youth is a key agenda and for the most part it has been a very useful tool for those who rule. Populations have seen intelligence quotas drop drastically as the dumbed down generations breed bringing even more dumb people into the world to be exploited.

“It is of no use to have people who are intelligent, they must be dumbed down even further. We now have an increasing number of stupid performers performing to stupid audiences. Cha Ching!”

Bob Crow Will be Automated

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In addition to tube drivers and station staff, Marxist union boss, Bob Crow will be fully automated by 2017, TFL has announced.

The advent of driverless trains will ensure that tube drivers who are receiving over £60,000 per annum will be phased out by cheaper more efficient automated driving systems, and the same goes for Bob Crow who makes over £450,000 per annum for pretty much doing nothing. Underground ticket prices will therefore drop drastically once the cost cutting benefits occur.

“I can announce today that by 2017 I will be replaced by an algorithm that will function in an economical way. There will be no more useless tube drivers or crippling tedious strikes ever again. I will be sad to see my very expensive luxury holidays go, my champagne and caviare slap up meals in Claridges, and my ridiculously opulent unlimited expense account reduced to a mere dust bitten memory. But there you go, that’s progress I guess. I think I’m going to go on another holiday funded by you to protest at this injustice,” Comrade Crow told the London Evening Standard.

According to computer experts, the program that will replace Bob Crow will still be a complete arsehole, but a manageable one, so that’s okay then. Roll on 2017.

UPDATE: 11 March 2014 – It is with great sadness that we have to announce the real Bob Crow passed away today. Computer programmers have however stepped up work on the algorithm and the automated Bob Crow may be introduced as early as next week.

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