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Which Dating Apps Help You Get Infected With Coronavirus Quicker?

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Your daughter loves using the dating apps, that’s because she doesn’t know if the guy she meets is a psychopathic killer, has numerous STIs, or will give her a terminal case of coronavirus.

That’s why dating apps like Tinder for straight people and Grindr for gays are in such popular demand right now — it’s the sheer excitement of not knowing whether you are going to live or die by meeting that special person off the internet.

“I have herpes, and super gonorrhoea, and the girls who I date all get infected by my luggage when I sleep with them. Now we have the coronavirus going around so I can’t wait to spread that too, even though I might not realise I am infected and not show any symptoms yet,” one happy Tinder male revealed.

It’s the same for gays, many now are happy to be infected with HIV, because it gets them over the first hurdle.

“I am happily HIV positive, I also have gonorrhoea, syphilis and Hepatitis B. I have sex with over 10 men a night on Grindr, and when I get coronavirus, I will be out on the town spreading it around like butter, even though I might not be aware I have it, due to its gestation period,” a happy Grindr user revealed.

As coronavirus spreads throughout Europe, many are continuing to unknowingly spread the virus far and wide with their promiscuous use of these dating apps, coupled with open borders in the EU Schengen zone, air traffic being still at a high level, and no precautions, the COVID-19 virus will start erupting across the European continent like a puss filled genital wart about to explode soon.

Queen Elizabeth II Eagerly Awaits Meghan Markle’s Upcoming Visit to Britain

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Notched up for a visit to Britain from Canada, Meghan Markle is being eagerly awaited by the Windsor royal family. Meghan thinks she will be doing her own private engagements, however her fate has already been sealed.

The former Duchess of Sussex’s itinerary has already been finalised personally by Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II.

Palace aide, Matthew Archibald, has revealed some of the intricate planning for the insufferable duchess’s trip.

“Once the former duchess lands, she will be escorted by a troupe of Beefeaters to the Tower of London from the airport. Meghan Markle will then be held in chains in the Tower for an indefinite period before being paraded in front of the London crowds then beheaded publicly on Tower Hill. Tourists and citizens will be given the opportunity to buy tickets for the event (premium tickets: £34.99), which will also be personally attended by select members of the royal family. The family friendly event will end with a spectacular fireworks display after the beheading.

“Prince Harry will be at the Invictus games with Bon Jovi having a chilled time, so he will not notice what has happened, and will probably be relieved about it when news finally filters through of her demise.

“Afterwards, there will be celebrations in the streets, and the head will be displayed on a pike at Traitor’s Gate until it goes green.”

People on the streets of London cheered at the announcement today, one man who had just trod in a dog shit was especially excited on hearing of the news.

“I just trod in a Meghan, that’s what we call dog shit these days. That is how much she is loved here, especially after what she’s done, and treated us like! Can’t wait to see her head rolling into the basket. That’ll take that awful smirk off her face, once and for all. You don’t treat our Queen like that and get away with it.”

Many Britons will travel far and wide for the wonderful event, some even coming from as far as John O’Groats.

Analysis: What Went Wrong For Ireland at Twickenham?

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Ireland went to Twickenham on Sunday afternoon seeking their first Triple Crown in two years after opening their Six Nations campaign with gripping wins against Scotland and Wales.

However, England had other ideas and ended their hopes of retaining the title awarded for beating all the home nations and crushing their hopes of doing the Grand Slam. Meanwhile, Eddie Jones’ side’s victory also meant that Ireland are now massive outsiders in the rugby betting odds.

But what went wrong on a weekend to forget for Ireland? It started with mistakes at the back as a schoolboy error from Ireland captain Johnny Sexton, who failed to intercept Ben Youngs’ grubber kick in yards of space, allowed George Ford in to score, whilst winger Jacob Stockdale also unsuccessfully dealt with a kick letting Elliott Daly score England’s second try.

Things got worse for the Ireland skipper as he brutally scuffed a penalty from 30 metres out meaning Andy Farrell’s side were out of the running at half-time as they already trailed the hosts 17-0. Owen Farrell had added a penalty, which was given due to Sexton slowing down play, to the two converted tries, giving England their biggest half-time lead over Ireland in 18 years.

The scoreboard was a fair reflection on how poorly Farrell’s men performed in the first half. However, they hit back in the second period with Robbie Henshaw smashing his way over the line, although the Ireland fly-half missed from the tee, again.

After getting themselves back into the game, Ireland should have been applying the pressure onto England, instead it was Jones’ side who were back in control. As they began to dominate once more, the penalties started to add up and Luke Cowan-Dickie easily peeled away from a maul and pushed his way over with Farrell adding the conversion to make it 24-5.

Andrew Porter scored for Ireland after the 80-minute mark with Ulster’s John Cooney converting this time to make it 24-12, a ‘flattering’ scoreline for Ireland according to their head coach, who admitted that he needs to ‘look at himself.’

“I think the scoreline flattered us a little bit. We didn’t start to play how we wanted to until the game was over. England were excellent, every side will look at themselves physically and they certainly won that battle. We didn’t fire a shot in that first half,” Farrell said.

“England were fighting to stay in the championship and that’s what we need to be in the next two games – I need to look at myself regarding the performance of the first half.”

Whilst Farrell is piling the blame onto himself, Sexton and scrum-half Conor Murray should also be partly blamed. Their performances were way off the standard they usually set and their kicking was dreadful – including the fly-half’s misses that kept Ireland out of the game and took the pressure off England.

Ireland’s defence also wasn’t good enough, Manu Tuilagi broke through the Ireland line early on and could have scored before a last ditch Andrew Conway tackle, whilst Jonathan Joseph also notably wriggled past several men in green following a poor clearance by Murray.

It was just a terrible performance from Ireland on the whole, they were let back into the game in the second half by England taking their foot off the gas as they were able to easily soak up the Irish pressure. Should Farrell’s side somehow beat in-form France in Paris next week, the competition will be blown wide open.

Defiant Meghan Markle Vs Windsor Royal Family

Meghan Markle detests the Windsor Royal family and Britain with a vehemence, and is now embroiled in a dirty war to prove she is bigger than all who stand in her way.

Harry and Meghan lied about wanting to step back from public life, this was the main reason stipulated for leaving the royal family and UK. If they wanted a quiet life, why are they conducting massive PR moves in North America, launching vast website campaigns, trademarking the ‘Sussex Royal’ name, getting paid vast sums of money by bankers for speeches and courting the paparazzi at every juncture?

Global domination is something at the heart of Meghan’s modus operandi.

Psychologist, Miriam Humbole, has analysed this dangerous woman and her vitriolic vendetta against a 1,000-year institution.

“Essentially, Meghan Markle fuels her schizoid narcissistic ego every time she sees a headline about her vendetta against the British monarchy, simply because it makes her sound more important, especially when it is perceived that she is running rings around the Windsor family. Meghan left Britain for North America in a huff because she was not the centre of attention all the time, and her exile was more about power play than anything else.

“Meghan’s sole focus right now is to make as much money as she can, and she will do this in the ruse of ‘charity funding’. The key factor is to ‘virtue signal’ for charity, rake in cash, give about 2% to the actual cause, and keep the rest. This pump and dump strategy along with the paid speeches, as well as paid Oprah-like appearances will bring in millions, in order for Meghan Markle to maintain her lavish lifestyle.

“The former Duchess of Sussex was never royal, but she knows she will have to use her son Archie to peddle for more money, and Harry who has royal blood. Markle does not in any way feel love for the former prince, and is only using him as a cash cow, which she will eventually discard for someone that actually turns her on. Conniving Meghan has a very good reason for leaving the UK, and extricating prince Harry — for a start, North American divorce laws will give her a majority stake in the upcoming divorce. Furthermore, the poor naive prince has been taken out of his comfort zone, he now has no advisors who really look out for him, and he has been taken away from the people who genuinely liked and cared for him. Psychologically, this will leave him even more vulnerable, and this is what Meghan is counting on, she wants him to act up, she wants him to be out of his depth as he realises how far he has fallen from grace and status, because that’s when she will tighten the final screws, plotting with her calculating mother, she will get her way, soon.

“We can only feel a great sadness and sorrow for prince Harry right now, as he will soon find out what the true repercussions are for marrying this evil conniving money grabbing grifter and her skin whitening concoctions, who actually detests black people in reality, but uses the race card at every opportunity. The only reason one whitens the skin from its actual dark state, is because you detest your own skin, as Meghan does. It is only a matter of time, how long can Meghan Markle keep up the charade of ‘loving’ Harry when she can barely stand him day in day out? Eventually, she will reveal the true Meghan to Harry, which is a cold, loveless, calculating machine for greed, narcissism, power and money — nothing more.”

Japanese Hold Coronavirus Festival

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Thousands of Japanese people stripped down naked and gathered in an enclosed stadium to see who could spread the coronavirus the most.

“This is the stupendous moment I have always been waiting for, to not only have another Jap’s sweaty penis jammed between my buttocks but to contract and spread coronavirus COVID-19 all over Japan,” one squashed naked Japanese sushi worker yelped as the crowd moved forward.

10,000 men take part in the festivities, dressed only in simple white loincloths and tabi socks. This year was very special and the festival prize was changed at the last minute to accommodate the deadly new Chinese virus.

“Sweating, sneezing and touching other half-naked men to spread the coronavirus further is the real prize,” Shinjuku Mara, one of the priests present told Okayama news outlet, JOVI-66.8 FM.

The festivities don’t just end there. Whoever spreads coronavirus to as many festival revellers as possible will receive a swift kick in the gangoolies which is said to bring good luck to the receiver for the year.

Actual China Covid-19 Death Toll Over 100,000 As More Mobile Incinerators Deployed

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Fifty mobile incinerators are being deployed in Coronavirus hit city Wuhan, to complement the crematoriums which have been working day and night for the past few weeks disposing of bodies.

The Chinese authorities are labelling these incinerators for use with burning livestock, however there is no need as all livestock are clear of Covid-19.

The mobile incinerators can handle up to 5 tonnes of human bodies each day and even crush the corpses before burning at 850 degrees. The efficient disposal of the virus infected bodies has been sanctioned and tested by the Chinese army in a series of trials in Golmud, Qinghai in January.

Because of the extent of deaths, and the need to immediately take care of any evidence, many of these mobile incinerators are now being deployed across all provinces in China, where they can discretely incinerate bodies quickly and efficiently before moving on to the next area. Due to their mobility they are hard to track, and can be deployed at night, then moved on in the morning with no evidence of ever being there.

wuhan incinerators

“Whole streets of people are disappearing overnight. One minute a family existed, next they are ash swept into the gutters, completely erased. The Communist Party is also ensuring that all records of the dead are deleted as well, otherwise this could impact on the low death figures, if people ever asked the question. You have to hand it to our beloved Chinese authorities, they have run this cover-up perfectly and no one in China or the West are even questioning anything about the mortality rate of the coronavirus,” Li Yung, a citizen from Wuhan revealed on Weibo before his post was deleted.

Even though the Chinese authorities are constantly downplaying the spread of the virus, experts have warned the threat remains as Chinese nationals continue to return to work following the Lunar New Year.

“Now we are going to see the real spread because millions of workers are now returning to their jobs after Lunar New Year. The factories have to keep working as is demanded by the economy of China, and this will give the virus ample time to spread further and mutate as more become infected by the deadly Covid-19 pathogen,” a scared doctor from No.9 Wuhan hospital revealed.

Thomas Markle Bans Meghan and Harry From Using Markle Brand

After Her Royal Highness, Queen Elizabeth II, banned ex-royals Harry and Meghan from profiting off the ‘Sussex Royal‘ brand, estranged father of Meghan Markle made an announcement today to the same effect.

“After deep cogitation at the ramifications of our Markle family name being dragged through the gutter, I hereby decree that the use of the ‘Markle’ family name be not used to market cheap plastic trinkets, socks, pyjamas and toilet brushes as proposed by Meghan and Harry after being banned by the Queen of Great Britain of using the ‘Sussex Royal’ name for profit.”

The Exile on Meghan Street couple who are now holed up in Canada, have already spent hundreds of thousands of pounds creating a Sussex Royal website as well as patenting thousands of products they wished to sell using the trademark to make millions of dollars. This has all been shot to the ground much to the delight of the general population who vehemently detest Meghan Markle and her calculating ideas of global domination.

The only thing left for the marauding ex-royal freeloaders is to now call themselves simply as ‘Meghan and Harry’.

Celebrated Brit Awards Rappers Can Only Say Three Words Repeated Ad Infinitum

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It’s the usual parade at the Brit Awards, a sad detriment to the state of today’s music biz, devoid of any form of creativity, real musicians, songs with melody or any form of true artistry.

The banal display of troupes of Afro-Caribbean descent rappers who had nothing to say apart from “You are racist!” were paraded in front of audiences who clapped inanely at their ‘genius’.

When one rapper was asked to back up with an example why racism was rife especially when the accusation was thrown at the PM, the answer was “You are racist!” repeated constantly with a generic drum beat in the background.

It was not only the Jamaican rappers, who accommodated the Brit Awards stage all saying the same thing on constant repeat, the stage was full of angry young female Jamaican RNB singers and their template songs this time shouting two points of reference, one would shout “You are racist!” then another would shout “We need more female talent in the Biz”. These mantras were repeated over and over again despite the Brit Awards full of Afro-Caribbean rappers and wailing Afro-Caribbean female RNB autotune template music singers.

Next year, the Brit Awards will be much of the same, and the year after that, and the year…etc..etc..etc..

Daily Squib Office Ordered ‘Sussex Royal’ Toilet Brushes Weeks Ago – Now Cancelled

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The Queen’s gone and done it now, Lizzie has banned Harry and Meghan from profiting off the ‘Sussex Royal’ brand, which has sort of left the Daily Squib office toilets out of bog brushes.

Our office manageress, who is not royal in the least, ordered online from the Harry and Meghan Sussex Royal website, some Sussex Royal toilet brushes (manufactured in China by slave labour). The idea was if you left a curler in the bowl and it refused to flush, one would break up the offending poo with the Harry and Meghan patented toilet brush, then scrape the remaining shit from the inside of the bowl not only allowing for a clean flush but also leaving a spick and span shine to the toilet.

Having back ordered the Sussex Royal toilet brushes, we were sincerely looking forward to using these things on our toilets as they get blocked up daily simply from the amount of traffic, but now will have to make do with a generic non-patented toilet brush. Sorry Harry and Meghan, but we will be pushing for a full refund.

One of our head writers, who writes most of his material on the bog was livid.

“I can’t bring myself to unblock a massive turd in the bowl then clean the marks from inside the bowl unless it has the Sussex Royal trademark on the toilet brush with a picture of Harry and Meghan beaming at me whilst big chunks of brown stuff get lodged in the brush’s bristles.”

 

Former Prince Harry Loving Time in Canada

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Former prince Harry is loving his time away from the excesses of the British press and his royal family duties in his North American hideout.

Harry’s aide has revealed that the former prince has let go somewhat, possibly the strains of family life with a woman like Meghan Markle may have something to do with it.

“Harry gets up at about 4pm, he then goes immediately to the television, he orders up the beers, the snacks, the burgers and the pizzas and stays there until 6am, when the servants carry him to bed. He then rinses and repeats the same regimen every single day, including Sundays.”

Things are going so well for the former prince that he does not even have to move when he has to go to the toilet.

“The former prince’s household has brought into employ a certain Mexican gentleman who stands by behind the former royal waiting for him to defecate. Harry will signal with a little fart or a squirt of piss that he is ready, and the man will get the bucket ready for the former prince to do his business. Once done, the prince will click his fingers and another Mexican gentleman will appear, he’s the wiper.”

When Meghan speaks to the former prince, he just nods his head in agreement and grunts before turning back to the basketball.

The Sussexes are currently enjoying many freebies, and are now known as the ‘freeloader Sussexes’ because they like to take, take, take.

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