17.7 C
London
Monday, March 30, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 158

UK Population to Overtake Africa for First Time in History Due to Record Migration

Music Man
-
1
UK Population to Overtake Africa for First Time in History Due to Record Migration

C’mon on over, we have no space left on our once beautiful tiny island. Thanks to the EU laws and remainers blocking any action to try and slow the flow of migration, as well as an open door policy by the current conservative government — legal migration and illegal migration is completely out of control. Thank god for Brexit…er…yeah.

Migrants totalling the entire continent of Africa have migrated to the UK within the last two years, the ONS estimate showed. The ONS statistics reveal 1,433,354,588 people came to live in the UK in 2022 alone.

“Next year we hope to include the entire continent of Asia to travel to the UK and be given entry without any checks. The majority will all settle somewhere in Croydon, South London. I am sure we have enough space for them all,” a cheerful Home Office migration manager revealed.

Prime Minister Rishi Sunak said in a speech on Thursday that Britain is indeed “taking back our borders by letting in billions of migrants who will be very useful for the nation” he added that the “benefits of Brexit were really being exercised by the remainer government”.

“The benefits far outweigh the negatives of the massive influx for the UK population. Our plan is to flood NHS services until the entire service crumbles. Kill off the welfare and benefits system. Blight the nation with unsightly cheap housing. Flood the school system until that crumbles, and flood the roads so that no one can travel faster than 3 MPH. I have to thank my remainer cabinet members; the ECJ, the ECHR, my bosses in Brussels, the civil service remainers, Treasury remainers, Jeremy Hunt and the Bank of England for making life in the UK unliveable and truly horrific. No doubt you will vote for me and the conservatives to continue doing what we do best in 2024 — ruining your fucking lives you pompous English fucking peasants. I am now off to eat an expensive curry — fuck you all!”

Meanwhile, as the population of Britain rises, so is inflation rising at an exponential rate, as well as interest rates. Enjoy, and don’t even think of getting an appointment with your local GP for about six years.

The Next Stage: LGBTP Agenda is Normalising Paedophilia

Music Man
-
3
The Next Stage: LGBTP Agenda is Normalising Paedophilia

The descent into depravity for what was once Western Culture and Civilisation is a dark turn of events that makes living in the West unbearable. Not only the sexualisation of children in the education system with drag queens being shipped in to indoctrinate young kids as young as two-years-old into homosexual acts and anal sex, but companies like Anheuser-Busch with their Bud Light advertising campaign, and now the outdoor apparel company The North Face are attempting to normalise paedophilia.

This insidious behaviour plays on the vulnerability and pliant nature of children, taking away their inherent innocence as they are groomed to be sexual objects of desire for the gay trans community. Because children are easily swayed and answer to authority at a young age, they are the perfect target for these monstrous ghouls.

After seeing the new campaign for North Face, one can be certain that many will burn their jackets and never buy any of their products ever again. It is reprehensible that a so-called responsible brand like that could fall into the trap dictated by the WEF, and China to destabilise and essentially kill off Western civilisation, or what is left of it.

The subversion of scientific biology is one thing, where women are not called women anymore, and being a man can mean anything made up by the controlling propagandists hiding like cowards behind their curtains, but messing with pliable young children should be the last straw.

The agenda is now one of normalising paedophilia and is the last bastion of depravity the people in charge of propaganda dissemination are striving for.

Naturally, in a fucked up society, apathy and silence is the only answer by the majority to this latest sickness being forced down not only the throats of adults but young pre-school children.

This is called ‘inclusivity’ and grooming of young children is an inclusive liberal thing now that is enabling gay men to have sex with young boys and not be prosecuted for their abhorrent actions.

America Now Land of Transgenderism and LGBTP

Music Man
-
0
America Now Land of Transgenderism and LGBTP

Who would have thunk it, huh? Just a half century ago, before Obama was even gracing the gay bath houses of Frisco, things were not so delineated. Sure there were gays and transexuals around, but they did their stuff in the privacy of their own homes, and people left them alone, pretty much.

Black people were generally celebrated with their music and sports, and to some extent they were left alone to do their thing. There was no predominant push to exclude or denigrate white people or any other people, let us say it was a gentle sort of inclusivity, a quiet one where people knew and tolerated other races and sexualities without the derision and hatred we see today.

obama-americaIt was only the Obama administration who started to skew things around for America, he effectively brought forward a programme of emasculation of men, and engineered race riots that he publicly delighted in. The American patriot was slammed, the military eviscerated of real men, and the core of true American values turned literally on its head.

Remember, this affects the entire globe as well, because even though many nations hate to admit it, they look up to America to lead the trends globally. By going queer, America alienated many of their previous allies not only in the developed Western world but in the developing nations.

americans vote trumpThe real core of America, those with patriotic, Christian values were left behind, that is until someone saw the gap in the market — Donald Trump. He very astutely took the position of Uncle Sam and tried to steer America back from a wrong turn in the road. Sure, it worked for a while, but it seemed he was now fighting some very evil and powerful forces who wanted him gone. The so-called ‘liberals’ were now ‘illiberal’ and no longer inclusive to patriot Americans or conservatives. Liberals were now practically communistic in their fervour to divide America with their ‘inclusive’ nature by making anything that was not queer, transgender, or black the enemy.

So, why is this all happening?

It is very clear that powers above governments are causing a change in all parts of American and Western civilisation for numerous reasons. Without delving into the realms of conspiracy theories, we must analyse the multiple variables of change and what their consequences are. Who is doing all of this? Who has the power to make ad agencies, conglomerates, industry and government suddenly change almost a 180-degree turn? Well, the ones who dwell above government and visible business, are the ones who ultimately have the power to do such things. Anyone who is visible is a mere intermediator, and this includes presidents.

The last question is why? Certainly, this is the ultimate question, and there are many theories as to why such a drastic change in everything is being literally pushed down peoples’ throats. Could be a drive for depopulation, destabilisation…anything.

Why destabilise your own capitalist, democratic heterogenous, relatively stable country? Because the ones above are looking for a totalitarian global scenario as the precursor for a world order. We already know China is idolised as the perfect model of governance for the entire globe by the UN, EU and WEF. China’s brutal, totalitarian communist regime is seen as the successor to Western democracy, and the Obama/Biden administration made this very clear. The other element we must consider is ‘climate change’ and the push for ‘Net Zero’ which is ultimately a code name for depopulation. Humans are terrible producers of waste and are carbon lifeforms. By pushing this agenda, many humans who think they are responsible human beings and care about the earth will happily be reduced to poverty, their assets confiscated and eventually die from sickness. That will be called ‘The Great Reset’ and will involve all material wealth and assets like property being stripped from all citizens. They say you will be happy about it too, as you are entertained by AI or VR or whatever comes along to alleviate your terminal human misery of collectivist communist poverty and existence.

America cannot be saved by elections alone

Can one man like Trump turn all this shit around? One doubts that very much, unless there is an all out civil war in America and Trump’s side wins, then nothing will be done and America as we knew it will be lost forever. The 2020 US election was a blatant scam, and everyone knows it. The Democrats have found ways of skewing the US electoral system for their benefit, and this means any successive election held in America is probably skewed, as the Democrats have corrupted the very ideal of democracy to suit themselves. Once America is lost, god knows what happens to the rest of the globe? Ultimately, it is up to true American patriots, those who can trace their ancestry back to the Mayflower, and the Pilgrims and those who relate to true American patriotism to change the destiny of their country. Whether this involves the blood of patriots being spilled against those of tyranny is a matter they can only make. The consequences for them not acting to save their beloved country is one where one can imagine a world where Chinese bulldozers will work day and night to push human corpses into mass graves or burning pyres. The second holocaust will not be remembered.

 

Bakhmut is Putin’s Stalingrad

Music Man
-
0
Bakhmut is Putin’s Stalingrad

Yes, Yevgeny Prigozhin, the rabid Orc master of the Wagner mercenary group is playing a weird game of cat and mouse with his videos, but these days it is hard to tell the truth from any video or news announcement, especially from renowned liars and propagandists like Prigozhin.

Only last week, Yevgeny Prigozhin was lamenting the lack of ammunition supplies in one of his angry videos denouncing even Putin, who he called ‘grandad’, but yesterday he produces a video saying he has taken Bakhmut?

Even if his forces have taken Bakhmut, which is turning out to be a symbolic city much like Hitler saw Stalingrad, the Ukrainian forces will most certainly take it back, and are relaying news that Bakhmut has not fallen. Who to believe?

Well, that’s the thing in wars where the smoke and mirrors are out in force, and actual real news is hard to come by. Even today, in a modern news-gathering environment with up-to-date satellite information, there is still doubt in the air. To have one of Putin’s dogs barking away in the background is not evidence enough that this is a victory for the Russian Orcs.

Field Marshall Friedrich Paulus thought he took Stalingrad, practically pushing the Soviets into the Volga in 1942, but was eventually surrounded by the Red Army even as Hitler, like Putin, was delivering victory speeches in Berlin. In this sense, there is some similarity to Stalingrad, as Putin Hitler pats his dog Prigozhin on the back for a well-fought victory in Bakhmut.

Prigozhin is not as principled as Paulus, and says he is pulling his group of mercenaries out of Bakhmut to be replaced by the useless Russian army regulars and reserves. He knows very well that staying behind is a suicide mission for his men, therefore he is letting the regular army take the eventual defeat from the Ukrainian counteroffensive. By pushing through to Bakhmut, the Russians will be surrounded eventually by the Ukrainian forces, a repeat of what happened to Paulus and his 6th Army at the hands of the Red Army’s Operation Uranus.

Ukraine, the bread basket of the world, must be defended from the imperial army of Putin at all costs. It is imperative that the Ukrainian military is given all the support it needs from NATO nations, and supplied with the highest grade weaponry and F16 jets.

Woke Producer Who Single-handedly Destroyed the Star Wars Franchise Strikes Again

Music Man
-
0
Woke Producer Who Single-handedly Destroyed the Star Wars Franchise Strikes Again

You may or may not have heard of Kathleen Kennedy, the Disney/Lucasfilm film producer who single-handedly destroyed the Star Wars franchise, but in a turn of events that will have many puking into their popcorn bags, she is back again to ‘wokify’ the Indiana Jones franchise. No wonder Spielberg walked away from this one.

This time, Luke Skywalker is not depicted milking green milk out of some alien’s teats for his morning cereal, but poor old ageing Harrison Ford has to deal with his feminist woke god-daughter played by Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

In a stunning display of creative destruction, Kennedy has re-emerged on the scene once again much like an unwanted case of bubbling super Gonorrhoea, armed with the most powerful weapon of our time: woke soviet political correctness and a hyper-woke ideology. With an unwavering commitment to dismantling every cherished film franchise, this producer has become a force to be reckoned with, leaving no trope unscathed and no story untarnished. You want your cherished film franchise completely destroyed? Then bring in Kathleen Kennedy to decimate, eviscerate and kill off any semblance of joy film watchers had in past films.

Gone are the days when filmmakers simply entertained audiences with captivating narratives and timeless characters. This visionary producer has taken it upon herself to be the moral compass of the industry, ensuring that every film conforms to the rigid guidelines of social justice, hardcore feminism, inclusivity, and, of course, the ever-elusive “woke” political indoctrination factor.

Remember, Wokism is a nefarious soviet communist technique that cannot create anything new, it can only ruin the past, and history.

No longer can we revel in the simple pleasures of escapism and suspend our disbelief. Kathleen Kennedy, like a self-appointed guardian of virtue, has made it her mission to infuse every frame with a heavy-handed political agenda. Forget about character development or engaging storytelling—what truly matters is the progressive sovietised virtue-signalling message of the day.

Want a classic film franchise revitalized? Well, think again. Prepare yourself for the unapologetic onslaught of contrived diversity, where characters are shoehorned in based on arbitrary identity quotas rather than actual narrative relevance. Who needs a coherent plot when you can have a checklist of social justice buzzwords?

But it doesn’t stop there. Oh no, Kennedy won’t rest until every cherished aspect of a film franchise is distorted beyond recognition. Time-honoured traditions and iconic elements are cast aside like yesterday’s rubbish, all in the name of appeasing the perpetually outraged Twitter mob. Because, let’s face it, the true measure of artistic success lies in the number of retweets and “likes” from the cunting woke brigade.

Say goodbye to fun and entertainment, folks. Prepare yourself for two hours of guilt-ridden self-reflection and lectures on privilege. Who needs escapism when you can have a relentless barrage of finger-wagging and sermonizing? Isn’t that what we all signed up for when we bought our film tickets?

So, let us raise a toast to this illustrious producer, who valiantly ruins every film franchise she touches in the name of progress and virtue signalling. Bravo! The destruction of beloved stories and the alienation of loyal fans have never been more en vogue.

In the end, we can only hope that sanity and creative freedom will prevail. But until then, buckle up, dear audience, for the ride of a lifetime. Just don’t expect it to be enjoyable, coherent, or remotely faithful to the source material. After all, who needs a successful film franchise when you can have a preachy, politically correct mess?

Harry & Meghan Catastrophic Two Hour Car Chase at 5 MPH Through Manhattan

Music Man
-
0
Harry & Meghan Catastrophic Two Hour Car Chase at 5 MPH Through Manhattan

In a rare display of thrilling action and high-speed excitement, a catastrophic car chase through the streets of Manhattan unfolded yesterday at an astonishing 5 miles per hour, leaving onlookers breathless with anticipation. Inside the vehicle being chased were Prince Harry, Meghan Markle and Meghan’s mother.

‘relentless pursuit lasting more than two hours’ 

“It was absolutely terrifying and could have resulted in catastrophic disaster as the paparazzi chased us through 5 MPH traffic in Manhattan,” a terrified Prince Harry recalled.

The slow-motion pursuit began when press photographers saw Meghan Markle leaving an awards ceremony, where she was showered with praise and given an award for doing absolutely fucking nothing.

As the car chase weaved through traffic at a blistering 5 miles per hour, pedestrians and cyclists effortlessly overtook the pursuit, casting perplexed glances at the unusual spectacle. Bystanders quickly realized that they could outpace the chase on foot or even on a leisurely bicycle ride.

The streets of Manhattan transformed into a comical obstacle course as the celebrity filled vehicle meandered through congested intersections, pausing at each red light as if rehearsing a choreographed routine. Pedestrians exchanged bemused glances and wondered if they had unknowingly entered an alternate reality where time itself had slowed to a crawl.

News helicopters, typically tasked with capturing adrenaline-pumping chases came and went, missing the 5 MPH car chase.

In a surprising twist, local residents, known for their New York hustle, gathered on sidewalks and balconies to cheer on the Harry and Meghan chase with sarcastic applause and exaggerated yawns. Street vendors seized the opportunity, offering popcorn and folding chairs for rent, turning the spectacle into a peculiar form of slow-motion entertainment.

“We saw one guy push a corn dog through the window as Meghan Markle visibly retched at the smell. She is a strict vegan who only eats specially sourced bio-organic ethical food. This was their catastrophic car chase, it was fucking hilarious. Prince Harry, what a nonce, he was shouting into a phone and looked terrified,” a bystander revealed to Fox Local.

As the pursuit continued at its leisurely pace, frustrated drivers stuck in the snail-paced traffic honked their horns in impotent frustration, their exasperation echoing through the streets like a symphony of annoyance.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the chase came to a gentle conclusion when the vehicle holding the celebrities arrived at the four-star Michelin restaurant, the trio quickly rushed out of the car, but made sure to slow down when the paparazzi started clicking away. It is good to see that Harry and Meghan are now receiving more privacy these days than they were in the UK.

Revealed: The Brexit that was Never a Brexit that Never Actually Happened

Music Man
-
0
Revealed: The Brexit that was Never a Brexit that Never Actually Happened

In a stunning twist of fate, it has been revealed that the infamous “Brexit” was, in fact, nothing more than an elaborate ruse, a grand performance put on for the amusement of the masses. After years of political drama, debates, and negotiations, it turns out that the whole ordeal was just an illusion, a theatrical production on an unprecedented scale.

Last year over a million people migrated to Britain; over 91,773 illegal migrants crossed the Channel since 2018, over 4,800 EU laws still in operation in the UK, all of British law is still governed by the European Court of Justice as well as the European Court of Human Rights.

The curtain rises on the grand stage of British politics, and the actors, dressed in their finest suits and gowns, take their positions. Prime Minister Sunak, the inheritor of the charade, tries desperately to deliver a passionate speech about sovereignty, independence, and taking back control even though the Tory Party and Cabinet has effectively been eviscerated of Brexiteers. The crowd roars with applause, completely unaware of the impending twist.

As the ridiculous scenes unfold, it becomes clear that there is no substance behind the rhetoric. The negotiations, once thought to be critical, are nothing more than a series of staged conversations, each carefully crafted to give the illusion of progress where there is in fact none. The actors, playing the roles of diplomats and negotiators, exchange empty words and hollow promises, all while the clock ticks towards on as nothing has changed.

Meanwhile, the media frenzy surrounding Brexit reaches fever pitch. News outlets churn out headline after headline, dissecting every detail of the non-existent negotiations. Pundits, with their expert analysis, debate the implications of a Brexit that never was, each displaying a remarkable ability to argue passionately about nothing at all.

Citizens, caught up in the whirlwind of uncertainty, cling to every word from the political stage. Some cheer for Brexit, others decry it, but all are united in their confusion and frustration. They march in protest, demanding action on an event that was nothing more than smoke and mirrors.

“We are against Brexit and are furious to have supposedly left the EU even though we have not technically left the EU and are still ruled by Brussels and all the Remainers in charge in parliament,” one confused protester revealed.

The rest of the world watches in amusement and bewilderment. Global leaders scratch their heads, unsure of how to respond to a crisis that doesn’t actually exist. Diplomatic relations hang in the balance, suspended by an illusion that has captivated an entire nation.

But as the final act approaches, the truth is revealed. The actors take their bows, and Prime Minister Sunak steps forward once more, this time to confess the grand deception. The Brexit that was never a Brexit has not materialised in any fashion, and will never materialise as long as the Remainers are in charge of everything.

It is time for the next General Election in 2024, which will no doubt be another theatrical fiasco that will result in a fake win for Labour, who will make damn sure that the Brexit that never happened will certainly never happen as we all are forced to rejoin the EU we never left once again.

And so, the curtains fall on this remarkable performance, leaving us to reflect on the absurdity of it all. The Brexit that never happened will forever be remembered as a monument to political theatrics, a lesson in the art of illusion. As we move forward, let us not forget the folly of this grand spectacle and the consequences of putting on a show when the stakes are all too real.

8 Clerihews Defaming Keir Starmer

Music Man
-
0
8 Clerihews Defaming Keir Starmer

Of Keir Starmer
there’s barely a murmur
from the state-corporate press
about his uselessness.

Keir Starmer,
twice stuck a knife through Corbyn’s armour.
Before he did it to Jezza’s front,
he stabbed him in the back, the treacherous cunt.

Keir Starmer,
looks like a charmer.
But only in the sense that the moment he speaks,
he sends a room full of people off to sleep.

Keir Starmer’s
policies are woollier than a herd of llamas.
But facing a Socialist Appeal subscriber
he metamorphoses into a viper.

Keir Starmer,
lost in your Blue Labour psychodrama.
You move to the right and seem to forget
that the voters worth having are still on the left.

Meghan Markle Given Another Award For Doing Absolutely Nothing

Music Man
-
1
Meghan Markle Given Another Award For Doing Absolutely Nothing

In an extraordinary turn of events, the self-absorbed world of celebrity culture celebrated a new milestone when the renowned American D-list former actress, Meghan Markle, was honoured with another prestigious award for accomplishing absolutely nothing.

The glitzy ceremony, held in a lavish Hollywood ballroom, was attended by a who’s who of the entertainment industry, all eager to witness the moment when Meghan Markle would be crowned as the ultimate symbol of self-obsession and shallowness.

As the crowd held their breath in anticipation, Markle took to the stage, adorned in a gold sequinned dress and a crown made entirely of mirrors. Flashing her dazzling fake smile, she graciously accepted the “Achievement in Absolute Inaction” award, a gilded trophy shaped like a golden statuette striking a pose of complete apathy.

In her acceptance speech, Meghan spoke passionately about the importance of doing absolutely nothing and how it has become an art form in the realm of celebrity culture. “To achieve true greatness, one must simply bask in their own reflection and exude an aura of unapologetic self-absorption,” she proclaimed, smirking inanely.

The audience erupted into thunderous applause, their hands clapping in unison with the beat of their own egos. It seemed that Meghan’s message of banal woke plastic mediocrity resonated deeply with these luminaries of superficiality.

In a stunning display of her self-centredness, Markle then proceeded to thank herself, her mirror collection, and her devoted entourage of sycophantic followers, without whom her absolute inaction would not have been possible.

As the night came to a close, Markle was whisked away in a luxurious faux golden chariot, pulled by a team of admirers chanting her name. The streets of Hollywood were filled with flashing cameras and adoring fans clamouring for a glimpse of their idol.

Meanwhile, onlookers and sceptics couldn’t help but wonder if the world had gone completely fucking mad. How had we reached a point where a person could receive accolades and adoration for doing nothing of substance or value?

Regardless, Markle had become the poster child for a generation fixated on their own image and shallow pursuits. And as the world looked on, it seemed clear that we were witnessing the apotheosis of vanity itself.

So, here’s to Meghan Markle, the woman who proved that fame and recognition can be attained without any discernible talent or achievement. May her reflection continue to captivate the masses, and may we all take a moment to ponder the state of our celebrity-obsessed culture of narcissistic shallow shite.

 

Joe Satriani London Palladium May 17 2023

Music Man
-
0
Joe Satriani London Palladium May 17 2023

It has been three long years since the guitar genius Joe Satriani flew in on his mothership from Alpha Centauri to grace the London Palladium with his virtuoso guitar licks and temporal Lydian mode mystical magic.

Joe gave guitar lessons to Steve Vai once…holy mackerel…if that is not a sign of wizardry, what is? With a great band behind him of equally virtuosic musicians holding the line, the blistering torrent of musical melodic assault is astounding. In fact, your ears can barely acknowledge the depth of mastery Joe exudes from the Devil’s Instrument. This guy certainly has touched the pick of destiny a la Tenacious D. The wide interval jumps, the whammy bar squeals, the distinctive Satch legato and harmonics are all there, almost a seasoned chef mixing up a dish of delicious gourmet melodies and striated runs intricately administered with each note perfectly placed to compliment the next. Joe does not just smash notes out with no thought, one can easily hear the purpose in each utterance with precise anatomical brilliance even at 1,000 miles an hour. Definitely amongst the myriad changes of signature Ibanez guitars, some or all of them had sustainiacs for sure.

The only slightly negative point one can add to Joe’s Mephistophelian performance is that he is playing with too many pedals these days. The purity of Satch should not be needlessly encumbered with pedal effects, sure sometimes an embellishment here or there, but too many pedals overlaid with each other can detract from the initial essence of Joe’s intricate playing.

Other than that, fucking hell, what an experience to make your ear holes melt with pleasure. A great thank you has to go to the London Palladium staff, who were amazing as well.

These are the last of the great guitar masters still standing.

1...157158159...813Page 158 of 813
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH