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Theresa May to Release Book on ‘How to Bargain’

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Theresa May to Release Book on ‘How to Bargain’

Shameful PM Theresa May is to release a book giving tips on how to bargain, Number 10 Downing Street has revealed.

“If the price of the apple is 35 pence, this is when I give the shopkeeper £2.60,” a quote from one of the lessons shows.

There are also tips on how to haggle.

“Say if I wanted to buy an antique model of a donkey made in China in 2012 to put on my mantle piece for sale at a local market. The man may say to me “That’ll be £40,000 please!” and I will answer “Here you go!” and hand over the money. Plus you have to show always that you’re really excited and fixated on the thing you want to buy, so the seller can raise the price as much as he wants.”

One section of Theresa May’s 3 page manual even advises people on how to negotiate with the EU.

“They come into the room and say that they want this, this and that. I then capitulate to everything they ask without a word. After all they are my master, and I am a mere servant. Also, before leaving the room of any EU official, you must bow down and touch the ground with your nose, then back out the door facing them. Don’t forget to leave £39 billion behind before you leave, or your masters will become very angry.

“One must always make sure when bargaining that you let it be known that you will not walk away even if the deal is so bad that the person you are bargaining with is literally laughing in your face. It is better to be a shameful coward with no backbone or guts than to cause any trouble by actually standing up for yourself or actually bargaining,” Mrs May notes on page 2.

The book called “The Art of the Bargain” will not be serialised in the Daily Telegraph this Sunday but will be found in every bargain bucket across the country by Tuesday.

Hillary Clinton is Correct About European Mass Immigration

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Apparently Hillary Clinton has finally awoken to the same conclusion the Daily Squib came to in 2011, albeit in a satirical article.

Europe needs a tougher approach on immigration in order to curb the growing threat of right-wing populists, Hillary Clinton said, calling on EU leaders to show their electorates that they can no longer “provide refuge and support.”

“I think Europe needs to get a handle on migration because that is what lit the flame,” Clinton said in an interview with the Guardian published Thursday.

Reading a quote from the 2011 Daily Squib article entitled “How Long Before the EU Concentration Camp Chimneys Start Churning Smoke Again?” confirms Clinton’s diagnosis in 2018. We saw the warning signs, before anyone else did.

Even in the UK, there are increasing reports of racially charged assaults and outbursts by seemingly ‘normal white people’, but these are mere symptoms of the Hegelian dialectic where the problem of increased immigration was allowed and encouraged to happen by successive governments for a very good reason — to create discord, disharmony, hatred and fear amongst the indigenous populations.

An immigration open door policy was allowed to occur so as to create a problem of overcrowding in urban areas; destruction of indigenous culture, valuable resources being used up, intolerance and racism to flourish.

“First you create the problem, then you wait for the people to cry out, then you move in with a solution that enslaves the people even further than they already are,” Gunther Mauser, a German politician told Die Welt newspaper.

We would go as far as saying that the engineered migration problem is not only part of the Coudenhove-Kalergi plan, but also a ploy to bring out Europe’s ultimate inherent racism.

The socialists of Europe are just as racist as the other side, however they veil their racism better. Socialists need someone to point their finger at, so they can rally the troops during elections, it gives them vigour and impetus. We witnessed this recently during the American midterm elections, where the American socialists and communists effectively censored and dehumanised their opposition and won many seats in Congress from the Republicans. Anyone who cares about their own home, security or family is demonised and labelled a “racist” or a “populist” by the socialists.

As always, to manipulate the electorate, socialists are masters, and from history, we also saw the same technique from the National Socialists, a very legitimate branch of socialism.

Merkel to Have Sense of Humour Injected Into Her Brain

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Merkel to Have Sense of Humour Injected Into Her Brain

German Chancellor Angela Merkel is to undergo a state of the art procedure to have some form of personality and humour injected directly into her brain, Reuters has reported.

The medical treatment is the latest trend amongst Germans, who sadly are devoid of any form of humour and live their lives mainly in a technical manner.

Professor Arnold Weinglauss, who has performed the procedure numerous times, will officiate the process, which will take three hours of surgery time.

“The procedure is rather complex, and one slip can induce a deeper state of catatonic depression which is the normal state of the Chancellor. We will infuse the ventral striatum within the temporal lobe area, and invigorate the region by injecting a dimorphic mixture of nanobots specifically designed to stimulate the humour centres.”

Chancellor Merkel, like most Germans is unfortunately afflicted with an extremely morose sensibility, however after the operation she may be able to smile slightly or even say a joke.

“It will take some time with such a serious case as Frau Merkel, however we may see some effects in less than two months. Instead of that milk curdling gaze, she may laugh a little. This may take her by surprise, however, and a counsellor will monitor her behaviour. We have had cases where the patient has been so surprised to crack a joke that they fell into utter depression afterwards because of their confusion. We are not however expecting Merkel to suddenly take the podium and act like a stand-up comedian, even with our technological prowess, that is a near impossibility with such a serious case as the Chancellor.”

Merkel will undergo the humour injection operation in January.

Jeremy Corbyn May Be Only Way to Leave EU Properly

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Jeremy Corbyn May Be Only Way to Leave EU Properly

Theresa May’s Brexit In Name Only is a sure chance that many voters will now turn to Jeremy Corbyn and his party.

The shame of Theresa May to even call her pathetic plan a Brexit is an insult to every leave voter who voted in 2016 to leave the EU.

“She’s just signing a document which states that we stay in the EU indefinitely. There’s no get out clause either. In plain English it’s not a Brexit but a shameful capitulation to the EU. That’s why I’m voting for Corbyn next election and you should too. No one will trust the Tories ever again because they have been completely duplicitous and dishonest with their core voters. Never again, thanks to Theresa May will any of us vote Tory again. Better to vote for Labour and Jeremy Corbyn,” a former Conservative voter revealed today.

Thousands of former Conservative voters, and Lib Dems are now opting for Jeremy Corbyn’s Labour party. Along with the youth vote, the extra numbers will get Corbyn into Number 10, Downing Street and Theresa May out.

“It’s now the only way to get rid of her. Jeremy Corbyn is the only way, because the Tories can’t do it, despite her blatantly taunting Brexiteers with her lies. I’m not a socialist or a communist like Corbyn but I will vote for him, as he is the only eurosceptic left who can actually do something,” another former Tory voter revealed.

Thanks to Theresa May's Brexit Betrayal Will You Now Vote For Jeremy Corbyn?

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Jeremy Corbyn’s main reason for leaving the EU will be to bolster a firm communist state in Britain without the interference of the EU, and its ideals.

“Corbyn sees the EU as a meddling money sucker. It would be better to leave the EU completely so that Britain could keep its money to spend on socialist issues, the NHS, welfare, and education. Also, Corbyn will need tonnes of money for the many nationalisations he has planned. This will take a lot of capital, especially the rail networks, nationalising utilities, and building millions of new council houses across the UK,” Labour’s chief spokesman, Mike Oxlong, told the New Statesman.

No one will vote conservative for another thirty to forty years after this debacle, and quite rightly so. Britain will thus be resigned to its fate as a pseudo-communist island replete with comrades in arms marching up and down Red Trafalgar Square.

It says a lot that many Brexiteers will move towards Jeremy Corbyn, who is the antithesis of everything they believe in, however there is an old saying, an enemy of my enemy is my friend. Corbyn is now the friend, and Theresa May the enemy.

Viva La Revolucion!

Book Review: Tomorrow’s World by Guy Portman

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Book Review: Tomorrow’s World by Guy Portman

There’s something about the future that scares the shit out of people a lot, maybe it’s simply the thought of the unknown that affects us with such fear. What possible delights await us in the technological future when we are already living in a world full of burgeoning robotic tech, AI, VR, and sex robots?

Forward to 2071, and you find that people have not changed much, they still have the same old foibles as we do, except with holovision. One assumes reading through the pages that this is some sort of contraption that transmits moving hologram visuals in your room, so that means the age of the television has been left in the dust, along with radio and telegrams.

By 2075 we have the introduction of teledildonics, and this is not describing a floppy thingie protruding from Mark Zuckerberg’s forehead but a contraption that can excite a future date, with a bit of mutual masturbation, why not?

It’s all very Black Mirror but without the enclosed claustrophobic stories, these glimpses into the future are more diary like, snippets of scenarios. Let us say an Adrian Mole of 2097.

Quite astutely, the author sees the future rise of China, and we can be assured this will certainly become a reality with the Chinese Armada skirmishing with the Royal Navy across the high seas, or conducting bombing runs on Bognor Regis every other Tuesday.

In 2079, John Lewis is still in Oxford Street. This came as a great fucking relief, because one can’t imagine that particular London shopping district without John Lewis. Let us hope that Hamleys is still around too, albeit selling hoverboards for the kiddies.

In turn, this is a great piece of literature whizzing from one place to another, and giving the reader little insights into the possible future, some comedic, some obviously horrific in a satirical sense.

Not sure if the Singularity happens at all in the duration of time in the book, but the worst part seems to be the realisation that Celebrity Big Brother still exists in 2094. Isn’t all out nuclear devastation from Russia and China preferable to CBB still being around in the future? One can only imagine.

People still play cricket in 2100, and probably still munch on cucumber sandwiches during the breaks in play. This was refreshing to read like a good cuppa.

Anti-ageing treatments on the NHS are obligatory by 2128? Surely that will bankrupt the already aching NHS 2.0? Well, the government ministers do debate the question, and thankfully come to their answer.

Things get very interesting by 2157, especially amongst some of the Plutocrats, who are rather keen on the Ancient Egyptian civilisation.

In 2060 mohawk-haired government advisers stalk the halls of Number 10 Downing Street, by that time, Tarzan Heseltine is a bag of bones deep in the ground somewhere, no doubt cursing someone who has outdone him in the hair department.

This book will certainly have you turning the pages to see what happens next, isn’t that the job of a good novelist? Guy Portman no doubt seems to have fulfilled the desired effect on the reader, as you really have to turn the next page to see what wonders await, a compendium of technological prowess amongst the backdrop of human stupidity.

The miniscule details, the jumping in from one language to another, and the mixing of ancient with modern adds duality to an intelligent meal of a read. Well worth the purchase. Plonk it into your collection, and you will not be disappointed by this satirical tome from an indulgent innovative author. http://guyportman.com/

Purchase your copy now:

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Experts: Brexit Thwarted By Deranged Dictator PM, Parliament Bureaucracy and Corrupt EU

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Experts: Brexit Thwarted By Deranged Dictator PM, Parliament Bureaucracy and Corrupt EU

All the people wanted when they voted for Brexit was to get out of the EU, and its institutions.

Alas, since the EU referendum Brexit has become more of a distant mirage, and unattainable dream simply because of the establishment  putting obstacles in the way of leaving the EU, and the EU putting obstacles in the way as well.

Any decision now regarding Brexit is meticulously broken down and voted out, and the sad thing is, if it comes to the ideal Brexit, i.e. a Clean Brexit, that too will be voted down by the Remoaners.

Against Brexit is the PM, the majority of the Remoaner Cabinet, handpicked by Remoaner PM Theresa May, the Treasury headed by Remoaner Lord Haw Haw Hammond, the Bank of England governor, Mark Carney, a Canadian, and 95% of the House of Lords, as well as most of the so-called Conservative party hierarchy. Other groups outside of parliament are the Soros Open Society, who fund people like Gina Miller to thwart Brexit in the High Court at any possible time, and other business people who are all on the EU gravy train and are fighting for their expense accounts. The media is now mostly anti-Brexit, with even the Daily Mail siding with Remoaners and Brussels, this is possibly due to the exit of Paul Dacre, and the instatement of Remoaner Editor Geordie Greig. The BBC, which received £5 million just before the EU referendum from the EU is naturally pro-EU, and the CBI where Theresa May spoke the other day on the benefits of her BRINO deal is completely pro-EU as it receives millions in EU money every year. As for the civil service, they are all completely pro-EU, and they control everything from behind the scenes, a la Olly Robbins.

Suffice to say, the likelihood of a Brexit occurring anytime soon is about zero, and the far flung future is no better, the promises will drag on and on for years to come until everyone is so bored of it all they just elect to stay in the EU. Ultimately, this is the plan the EU and controllers in government hope for. They want people to be so jaded by the whole bureaucratic affair that they say fuck it, and leave Britain in the EU.

The whole sordid Brexit affair is extremely tiresome and sickening, because it brings to light that there is little or no democracy in Britain left. We are ultimately chained now to a corrupt system of government, and the EU’s totalitarian pseudo-communist diktats permanently and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

Will the UK Ever Leave the EU?

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Amazing Black Friday Deals That You Cannot Miss

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Amazing Black Friday Deals That You Cannot Miss

Black Friday is an amazing time to get those deals that you have been awaiting as a rabid consumer all year round. It’s also a great chance to buy up those Christmas presents that will wow your family members and friends.

The key to finding Black Friday deals is to search online, and also attend the shops where the deals happen. If you are happy to spend four days queuing for a cut price toaster that was made in China and is just a piece of flimsy metal that will break in four weeks, then that is up to you.

Our plan this year was to list as many amazing deals as we could find for our readers so you too can be first in queue and snap these amazing offers up before the rest of the suckers do.

5 Black Friday Deals That You Must Have

1 -Britlax Toaster – £7.99 from Murreys – This amazing toaster toasts your toast in less than 20 minutes, and is guaranteed to break only after 3 weeks of usage. It also burns toast to a crisp if you move the notch above 0.

2 – Xuenho Toaster – £4.99 from Tulleys – This toaster is amazing. It can toast four pieces of toast in under one minute, but you should disable your smoke alarm before using it as the flames can reach the ceiling. All in all a good toaster, but please do not put your face over it while it is in operation. Guaranteed to explode after one weeks usage. No money back or replacement guaranteed.

3 – Burnio Toaster – £12.99 from Sullies – This toaster, as the name suggests burns everything to a crisp within a five metre radius. It’s definitely top of the range Chinese engineering and will reduce your kitchen to a smoking wreck just in time for Christmas. Why not throw in the turkey for some fast cooking?

4 – LingWao Toaster – £2.99 – If you pick one of these up at a Black Friday sale, you will be the lucky owner of a magical piece of equipment. It’s cheap and dangerous. Our toaster which was sent for testing had some wires hanging out the back. When we plugged the appliance in to the mains, the whole area became live with electricity and fried our office pet. Luckily little Jimmy the Sausage dog survived the ordeal but sort of looks like a seared hot dog now.

5 – JinWong Toaster – £24.99 from Argo – This is top of the range mate. It’s like hitting the fucking jackpot four times over and still having a prize foisted on to you. I mean this toaster talks to you, it’s a new smart toaster, which analyses how many toast you want in the morning then it tells you when they are done, in Chinese. It’s a great way in learning a language while you toast. The only drawback is that the toaster is so efficient that it basically disintegrates the toast to nothing. We tried putting it on the lowest setting but still no luck.

Techniques Horror Movies Use to Scare Us

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Techniques Horror Movies Use to Scare Us

Some people love the rush they get from watching horror films, while others completely hate it and can’t understand why anyone would choose to watch something with the intention of scaring themselves! Even though watching a horror movie the viewer knows it is isn’t real, the best horror films are still able to leave you on the edge of your seat, ready to scream, but how are they able to have this effect?

When watching a film usually the motor regions of the brain are temporarily shut down, but in the case of many horror films the stimuli are so strong that it can overcome the inhibition to the motor system.

The viewer then automatically jumps or screams, as an automatic reaction designed to both protect us and warn others of danger. So much so that this actually happens before we even process what has actually caused the fear.

Horror films have been scaring viewers for more than a century, but it is only recently that neuroscience has been able to be used to explain the reaction in the brain whilst watching a horror.

Many different elements are used within horror films with the purpose of frightening the viewer. The fear of death, which for most is the ultimate fear is often used, both in reality and psychologically. So that, the majority of horrors audiences will see at least one character reach their death. This is heightened even further, the more vile and evil the character is, like Gollum in The Hobbit franchise.

The dark is often a childhood fear of many and is used within horror films to incite fear, by making the viewer wonder what is hiding or lurking in the shadows and ready to jump out.

The best movies of this genre always contain elements of suspense within them. Suspense involves the creation of anticipation that something bad is about to occur, but not knowing when. Some of the most shocking scenes within horror films will create a mass of suspension, which will then end in something happening on the screen that will really shock the viewer, for example one of the main characters getting killed, usually in some gruesome manner.

Music is also used often to create anticipation and fear within horror movies and it can be used to create moods and elicit emotions. It helps to amplify the feelings of shock and suspense within the viewer.

Currently, horror devotees tend to agree that it is the Japanese who have discovered the right formula when it comes to horror. This breed of horror films has become really popular worldwide, but why are they so scary? Japanese horror movies really tend to focus on the psychological and suspense aspects within horror and will often heavily feature paranormal activity and also themes of exorcism, shamanism and possession.

Some historical elements of Kaidan, which is Japanese folklore is also often found within these films, many of them containing stories of ghosts. It is clear to see that the elements of Japanese horror are now finding their way over to the Western movie making world, by looking at films such as Paranormal Activity, which features many of the same fear inducing traits that are familiar within Japanese horror.

Therefore, we can see that many factors are utilised in the making of any horror film. The scariest and more often than not, the most successful movies, will find the perfect combination to keep audiences in a state of constant fear and anxiety. This mental state is, believe it or not, exactly what audiences are looking for and no doubt they will demand even more as time goes on.

All British Police to Finally Be Armed

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All British Police to Finally Be Armed

The British police have been putting their lives at risk for too long, and thankfully this is all about to change as all police officers will finally be allowed to carry firearms, and join their colleagues from every other country in the world.

The amount and level of crime has increased to such a level, that it was ridiculous to suppose that police officers would attend crimes in progress armed with nothing other than a puny truncheon and a pair of handcuffs.

“Criminals these days carry an assortment of weapons from machetes to AK-47s. You would get a policeman arriving at a crime scene, and he would be faced with thugs running at him armed to the teeth while he gets his little truncheon out and is tasked in taking down these criminals. If the policeman gets away alive or is not seriously injured, then it’s a miracle,” Superintendent DCI Kevin Plodder, told the BBC.

The new government white paper outlining the arming of every policeman in Britain will be published in full next week. There will also be a 60,000 increase in officers by 2020, and a budget increase of 75%. Routine stop and search will be conducted in areas where crime is prevalent.

“A policeman or woman has a right to defend themselves from heavily armed criminals. This is why our police will now be trained and armed in firearms,” a member of the policy team announced on Tuesday.

What kind of firearms will the police now be trained and armed with?

Each squad car will be equipped with an assortment of weapons including pump action shotguns, automatic weapons and tasers. All police will routinely be equipped with handguns and tasers whilst on patrol.

“The level of crime is at such a level at the moment that our rules of engagement will be upgraded to shoot to kill. Our officers will also be protected from prosecution and most cases will be accepted by the courts as just proportionate action,” police spokesman, Andy Grenville, added.

Recent polling has shown that arming all police officers in Britain has received a positive response with 85% approval rating.

Barren Witch Threatens to Cancel Brexit and Fracture Conservative Party

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Barren Witch Threatens to Cancel Brexit and Fracture Conservative Party

Not content with betraying the nation with a contractual debacle that will tie Britain into certain slavery for eternity with the EU, this barren witch with a coal black womb, does not have much heart either, as it is black as well.

Sitting in her den, her cauldron boils over with many insidious ingredients, as she stirs the vast pot bubbling with vicious plans for the future.

“My masters, I have vowed treachery upon those in Britain, they must be punished, my masters tell me every day, it must be done at any cost. There are many now trying to stop me seeing through their plan, and my masters have given me the green light to achieve the goal of imprisoning Britain forever in the EU. Whether tis to ruin the Conservative party, that is no consequence to me or my masters, because we only care for one thing. Yes-s-s, to push through the plan, to sign the contract, as it was scribed by my masters, I have to get this through. (the witch pauses to throw a live frog into the boiling cauldron) I am bolstered from the top, and these mice of men below in the backbenches are nothing to me, and they will fail miserably as our power of evil is too great. There is nothing they can do.”

The witch rubs her belly, for she wishes to punish the whole country for her state of barrenness.

“All these vile people in Britain who can have children. Not I, my blackened diseased womb, is the same as Merkel’s, for this we are sisters in inequity, in shameful detestation of everything that is good, like the right to self-determination, sovereignty and national borders, where the little kiddies can run around happy in their playgrounds. We can only look at those little pattering feet and feel disdain, avarice and extreme jealousy.”

As the Number 10 cat saunters into the den where the witch is working, it suddenly realises its mistake and tries to make a run for it.

“Not too fast me dearie, hmm, the cauldron needs some more ingredients. Cat, cat, felix, fluffy one, into the cauldron of doom you go, with the people of Britain, and all things that are good like freedom, liberty, and sovereignty, to your doom, doom you go, just like my blackened womb, to doom you must go! (the witch tosses the squealing cat into the cauldron)

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