17.7 C
London
Monday, January 19, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 372

Christmas Deemed Offensive by #MeToo Call For Complete Ban

Peter Latham
-
0
Christmas Deemed Offensive by #MeToo Call For Complete Ban

“Christmas celebrates the birth of a male child, and he is given gifts by three male Kings, and the manger he was born in was owned by a man. This is pure sexism. The only female present is the mother of Jesus who was impregnated by a patriarchal God, a masculine one,” #MeToo supporter, Loretta Atmos, told the Huffington Post.

Another #MeToo activist went as far as saying that “Christmas is evil because all male babies should be aborted at birth. Why celebrate another male born into this world?”

The #MeToo anger has been spreading across Twitter with similar sentiment, and the hashtag #BanXmasMeToo is trending.

There is further outrage at the tradition of the festive holiday, for example, the Christmas tree symbolises an erect phallus and is meant to celebrate fertility in the new equinox. When people are decorating their Christmas trees, they are effectively dangling baubles over a large erect penis.

Happy woman , christmas time
Definitely not a #MeToo woman

One twitter #MeToo respondent was so disgusted by Christmas trees she wants them all banned as well.

“We should not only ban Xmas because it is a patriarchal sexist holiday, but those awful phallic Xmas trees. Everything about it is masculine. Plus think about all those trees being chopped down each year. We could save whole forests.”

How the American Social Justice Warrior Princess Changed the Windsors

Peter Latham
-
0
How the American Social Justice Warrior Princess Changed the Windsors

Things have no doubt changed for the Windsors. Sadly for many of the members, it’s all very PC, and hunting has been given the shunt, as well as other little traditional regal institutions of the crown like blatant jocular racism.

Our emissaries ensconced deep in the firm tell us wondrous stories of how the changes have somewhat irked the established members.

“If one wants to shout at the television after a particular news report resplendent with savages running amuck and that sort of thing, one has to be careful. The PC Princess as we call her has ears as sensitive as Prince Philip’s bowel movements,” a source revealed.

Hunting is now out of the question when Meghan is around, and that goes for the Blood Rite, as well.

“It’s not only the hunting that has gone, but consider this fact, pretty much every object or statue around the palaces are from Britain’s illustrious history of conquest and imperial superiority. Wherever Meghan goes, she now asks where this piece or that piece was stolen from, and how many indigenous people died for the relinquishment of said objects. On a visit to the Tower of London, Meghan was so angered at the sight of the diamonds on the regent’s crown she declared that they should be sold off to feed the slum children of India.

“One must also feel a deep pity for Prince Harry, here is a lad who is used to dipping one’s wick into an assortment of different pots served up to him on a platter, a man of varied taste. Needless to say, now that Meghan is preggers the fun is over, and Harry has been left with his wick in the wind, doomed to only one flavour for the rest of the marriage.”

Certainly things have changed amongst the Windsors, as social meetings are now more subdued.

The Duke of Edinburgh has effectively been silenced completely, and is not permitted a single word now. Instead he sits silently in the corner mumbling to himself. If he does dare to utter a word or even a sentence, he is immediately re-silenced with some hor d’oeuvres served up by his personal butler and another dose of opiates.

There have been some rumours about some shenanigans between the two duchesses, Meghan and Kate.

“One of them is honed, well trained in royal protocol and docile, the other is a wild unknown import who is used to saying and getting what she wants and is obviously stifled by royal protocol and British sensibilities. It’s like placing a peasant sugar cane farmer from Papua New Guinea amongst aristocrats, the culture shock is too great. Not that nothing can be achieved, it just will need a lot of time and training,” another aide revealed.

How Brexiteers Were Completely Locked Out

Peter Latham
-
0
How Brexiteers Were Completely Locked Out

No Brexiteers allowed in the head-to-head TV debate, no Brexiteers in the Treasury, no Brexiteers in the Bank of England, no Brexiteers in the Cabinet, No brexiteers allowed to negotiate with the EU, no Brexiteers in BBC discussions, no Brexiteers in Whitehall etc..

Brexiteers have been vilified, labelled as extremists, called dumb, and completely denounced, ignored from the EU negotiations or debate.

Remainer, Theresa May, and her adjutant, Oily Robbins, a staunch remainer, have effectively hijacked the whole Brexit process, and have proposed a deal which leaves the UK completely vulnerable to the EU, and ties it in to the Customs Union, indefinitely thus relinquishing any way of conducting global trade deals. The remainer PM, has even gone through two ‘Brexit secretaries’ a job which is nothing more than a glorified tea boy, with no power or role in the process of exiting the EU.

The EU referendum, was the largest democratic vote ever held in the UK, and 52% voted to Leave the EU. We are not dumb, we knew very well what this entailed. It meant leaving the EU Customs Union, the ECJ, the CAP, the CFP, the Single Market and all the other EU constructs designed to imprison countries, whilst making Brussels and the few favoured nations running the show richer.

It’s as simple as that.

If we had a Brexiteer as PM, we would have been out of the EU two years ago, and forging trade deals now. The Irish backstop is something created by remainers and the EU to thwart a full exit. It makes no logical sense to have a remainer as PM in charge of Brexit, or all the other remainers who are pulling their remainer strings in positions of power.

There is no other recourse but to instate a Brexit leader immediately. Theresa May, is a duplicitous liar, who has been shown to have used corrupt processes to thwart Brexit at every turn, and is now even stopping the publication of her Attorney General’s legal advice, which even Tony Blair did not do before the Iraq war was erroneously pushed through parliament.

Now is the time to act, because there is plenty of evidence of wrongdoing on Theresa May’s part, she must be impeached, given a vote of no confidence and summarily booted from office.

Do it now.

 

Apocalypse à Paris Avec les Gilets Jaunes

Peter Latham
-
0
Apocalypse à Paris Avec les Gilets Jaunes

Paris is burning. The tear gas sears the Parisian air leaving clouds of grey noxious smoke infiltrating every part of the once peaceful boulevards.

The barricades, some on fire, are resting places for any furniture that can be found, at one road, an upright piano has been deposited in the middle. Amongst the clattering of stones and canisters, a solitary man in a yellow jacket is playing the Marseillaise, but is cut short as a phalanx of riot troops converge on his position.

It is the noise that hits you at first, the whistles, the explosions, the clattering, the shouts of the injured, the French sirens, an all encompassing sound of rage that fills the boulevards. One can only imagine the terror of the residents looking out of their plush apartments at the mayhem and destruction below.

 

It is close to Christmas in Paris, and the trees have been decorated with lights on the Champs-Élysées, their juxtaposition of violence and protest leaves an uneasy duality. The decorations for Christmas, this time are burning barricades, exploding vehicles, and cowering policemen.

The water cannons move in further, and the protesters are forced away from one particular zone, as other protesters erupt from a different zone. It all seems futile for the outnumbered police, as they simply move from one place to another not achieving anything at all.

These riots, they say, will go on and on, until the government capitulates its position and reduces tax on fuel. The revenue lost from tourism must be enormous, as well as the shops and restaurants which have been forced to close. Louis Vuitton, Bally, and all the others, now bathed in fire and smoke, their luxurious brands, engulfed by revolution and violence.

How long can Emmanuel Macron hold out? The Gilets Jaunes, seem unstoppable in their vitriol and are dedicated in their outrage.

You Too Can Be Great Again in 2019 Just Like Donald Trump

Peter Latham
-
0
You Too Can Be Great Again in 2019 Just Like Donald Trump

After reviewing the wonderful Jeremy Corbyn Annual 2018 we were confronted this time by a troop of U.S. secret servicemen all wearing the same suits, the same haircuts, and same dark glasses.

One of them stepped forward, looked left, then right, and slapped a brown envelope into our reviewer’s face.

“Review this book. It better get an A+ or (wipes finger across his neck whilst smiling).”

Looking up, they were all gone, vamoos, vanished. The Unofficial Donald Trump Annual 2019, published by Pavilion Books, written by Adam G. Goodwin, Dicken Goodwin, and Jonathan Parkyn was now in our weary hands.

Flicking through this annual, one advises the reader to have a pen, and scissors handy, because you’re going to have a lorra lorra fun cutting out masks and such.

The exercises and puzzles within the book will no doubt bring joy and happiness to the whole family, with cut-outs of Kim Jong-un and styling tips to get that perfect Donald hair-do, and a whole section dedicated to fake news.

Trumpaholics will love the dreamy Donald pin-ups and pictures, they can cut out and add to their van’s exterior whilst planning their next failed excursion against those dastardly Dems. We of course say this all in jest and do not advise anyone to even think about it.

The Teflon Don, as we like to call him, can have a bucket of shit poured over his head, yet still come away untouched and smelling of roses. Such is his propensity to weather any Stormy storm dispatched against him by those fake news peddling stinking socialist Dems and crooked lawyers.

In honour of the orange one, why not get a piece of orange and pour some melted chocolate over it, or build a wall of waffles 12 feet high with maple syrup as the cement? If you eat that load and do not projectile vomit over your cat, all the better for you, at least the migrant caravan could not get across the border.

Just buy the Donald Trump Annual 2019 and stick it in the Christmas stocking, will ya? You and the family will not be disappointed with hours of entertainment and vomitous sticky fun.

 

 

George H. Bush Father of September 11, Iraq War and Freedom Fries Dies

Peter Latham
-
0
George H. Bush Father of September 11, Iraq War and Freedom Fries Dies

It is a sad day today, the father of Dubya, September 11, Iraq wars, and a burgeoning post Soviet NWO 911 future as stated in the Project for a New American Century, George H. Bush, is finally dead.

George Herbert Walker Bush came from good stock, his father Prescott Sheldon Bush, was one of the American bankers who helped fund the Nazis. Along with Brown Brothers Harriman, and UBC, Hitler’s rise to power was assured.

“If it was not for George Herbert Bush who spawned Dubya, that PNAC stated Pearl Harbor moment on September 11, which led to the 2nd Gulf War, would never have happened. People needed a uniting impetus to enlist, and to agree to both wars in Afghanistan and Iraq — 911 was a beautifully engineered example. The wars achieved a remarkable statistic of over 2 million Muslims killed or displaced from their homes. American companies were given first dibs at oil contracts in Iraq, the second largest oil fields in the world. The ongoing campaign was also the precept for the Syrian war, which has seen further bloodshed in the Middle East,” a former aide revealed proudly.

America is now in mourning, for a great servant to its nation, and a man whose legacy will live on for many centuries to come.

EU Gloats Over Theresa May BRINO Deal

Peter Latham
-
0
EU Gloats Over Theresa May BRINO Deal

The gloating EU technocrats are sniggering in public at their triumph over Britain, with Theresa May’s lacklustre BRINO capitulation.

“We laugh in the face of your Chamberlain PM, as she bows down and kisses my shoe. You Britisher swine will always serve us, we are your masters, we have the power, Britisher Schweinhund,” Colonel Selmayr told Bild magazine.

Disgrace to democracy

Britain is certainly receiving a just punishment for the folly of having Remainers put in charge of Brexit. The fault of this firmly falls on the hierarchy of the Conservative party who put Theresa May and her Remainer Cabinet in charge.

“What do you think was going to happen? You put a Remainer in charge of Brexit. That’s like putting a florist in charge of an abattoir or a dustman in charge of a banking consortium to manage major international deals. It ain’t gonna happen,” one man with some sense quipped.

Theresa May is also charged with deliberately denying the publication of her attorney general’s legal advice to parliament, because it reveals the fact that the UK cannot extricate itself from EU control and power after her so-called Brexit. She is thus deliberately misleading parliament and is committing a crime of treason against the UK.

Treacherous May even refused an offered trade deal from Trump’s USA a few months ago.

The dishonest PM has also been caught giving a Knighthood to one of her cronies to gain their support for her deal.

Dishonourable Theresa May is a disgrace and must be forced to resign when she loses the vote for her BRINO in parliament in two weeks time.

 

Brits Had a ‘No Deal’ Clean Brexit in 1940

Peter Latham
-
0
Brits Had a ‘No Deal’ Clean Brexit in 1940

Yep, it was called the Battle of Britain, and it left Hitler’s Luftwaffe with an almighty bloody nose, and it was a Clean No Deal Brexit.

When it comes to the crunch Brits will fight to save Britain from an EU that has shown extreme disrespect, gloated over any misfortune we have had, stolen our fish, and bullied this country for too long whilst making it pay through the nose for the indignity.

Are you just going to sit there and take it? No!

We need a clean Brexit, a clean slate, a clean tabletop to rebuild this country after years of subservience to an EU that clearly detests us, they use us like a cash cow, they veto everything we propose, and they dictate to us over our own laws.

Supermarine Spitfire PR XI PL965
Supermarine Spitfire PR XI PL965

Remember those brave men and women who struggled against the incessant bombing, the doodlebugs, the fires, the Stukas and Messerschmitts. Do not dishonour their memory like Mrs Theresa ‘Petain’ May, who wants to create a Vichy government for her masters in Brussels.

We need our fighting spirit back, and we need our freedom totally free so we can bring back sovereignty to our parliament once again, to forge our own trade deals, and to make our own laws free from the diktats and totalitarian orders from the EU.

We must join with our true allies, America and Australia, and the Commonwealth countries once again, not only in trade but in true partnership. We must also bring manufacturing to these shores once again, and get the Made in Britain stamp back in service.

Supermarine Spitfire Mk.V

We do not owe Brussels anything, and this is why paying £39 billion is the biggest failure anyone can propose. They can stick it!

Yes, things will be slightly hard at first, but coming out of a prison is not easy. We have been in darkness for too long, in slavery to masters that are unelected bureaucrats, out of touch, pampered with vast limitless expense accounts who do not care for our nation or our people.

It is time to embrace freedom once again, and if this means fighting for it, so be it.

Macron: “Let Them Eat Cake”

Peter Latham
-
0
Macron: “Let Them Eat Cake”

You have to hand it to the French, when an indignity such as a massive Macron fuel tax rise is foisted on them — they act, they riot, they actually do something about it.

Here in the UK, no such thing is done. Whatever indignity is thrown on the masses with massive tax rises, they simply grumble about it a bit, then put on another cup of tea. If the French had to deal with the amount of tax rises we British have to deal with, there would be nothing left by now but rubble.

French President, Emmanuel Macron, has simply scoffed at the protests and remains safely ensconced in his palace.

“Qu’ils mangent de la brioche,” the president exclaims from his boudoir, to accentuate the point about how out of touch he is with the peasants.

The struggling Gilets Jaunes peasants, especially in expensive Paris, are living in literal poverty anyway, so to increase taxes on fuel to such a level not only hurts their means of transport, but increases the prices of daily goods to be transported to the shops, thus pushing prices up on everything as a result.

How will Macron get out of this mess he has made?

To capitulate to the protesters will obviously be a sign of extreme weakness, so no doubt Macron will continue with the riots and simply beat the opposition into submission, eventually. Either that or a resignation is in order.

Online Advertising Dominates UK Gambling Market

Peter Latham
-
0
Online Advertising Dominates UK Gambling Market

Last year, gambling operators in the UK spent just under 1.8 bn euros on marketing, with nearly half of the amount covering internet-based advertising and a mere 15% buying TV commercials. The trend is obvious: marketing expenditure is skyrocketing. In fact, according to a report by strategic consultancy Regulus Partners titled Gambling Advertising and Marketing Spend, it rose by 56% from 2014 to 2017.

Today, there are numerous online gambling providers operating in the UK. For more information on the most popular ones, check out the fastest payout online casinos. Online promotion of such operators uses direct, social media and affiliate marketing methods. The former includes banners and paid search. Other advertising channels are television, sponsorship, and offline channels, such as print media and billboards.

The Breakdown

Online marketing accounts for 80% of the total gambling marketing expenditure, with direct methods amounting to almost half (48%) of it. While direct internet marketing doubled over the three-year period, social media advertising more than tripled – rising from £42m in 2014 to £149m three years later. Affiliate marketing, which includes tipsters, websites and publications that generate new business for a commission, was the slowest, climbing from £282m to £301m, which is 20% of the overall marketing spend.

ace-bet-business-262333

As a lion’s share of marketing budgets is now spent online, television advertising is lagging behind, despite the growth from £155m to £234m. The amounts spent on sponsorship were still relatively moderate despite their doubling: advertising on football shirts, horse racing, and other events totaled £60m in 2017.

It is important to note that as detailed marketing cost breakdown is commercially confidential, it is impossible to obtain definitive figures. The consultancy used audited accounts of the largest listed operators, as well as figures for offshore and private companies. The estimates, therefore, are sufficiently credible. Most importantly, they demonstrate the relative scope of online marketing.

ace-cards-casino-279009
The Consequences

The mentioned figures raise serious ethical issues. The Gambling Commission has recently reported that as much as 59% of children aged 11-16 have been exposed to the ads on social networks. For television commercials, the proportion is even greater – 66%.
According to Marc Etches, CEO of GambleAware, a leading UK charity, children following gambling operators on social media are three times more likely to spend money on gambling. “Compared to other potentially harmful activities, the rate of gambling in the past week among young people is higher than the rates of drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes and taking illegal drugs”.

This data points to the urgent need to perceive gambling as a threat to children and a public health issue. Social networks and websites must recognize their moral obligation to protect the youngest and the most susceptible ones. It is thus imperative to increase public awareness of the potential dangers posed by the activity.

1...371372373...804Page 372 of 804
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.