17.7 C
London
Wednesday, January 28, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 230

Olympics Sport Climbing Silver Medallist Admits to Radioactive Spider Doping

Mr. Brownstone
-
0
Olympics Sport Climbing Silver Medallist Admits to Radioactive Spider Doping

The announcement was made at a press conference this morning and followed weeks of intense rumour and speculation after photos of the young professional climber clinging onto skyscrapers in downtown Manhattan emerged in the Daily Bugle.

In a moment of cruel irony, it was also revealed that Coleman, who worked as a freelance photographer for one of the city’s most popular tabloid newspapers, was also the one who took the incriminating photographs and later sold them to publisher J. Jonah Jameson.

In his statement to the press, Coleman said the following,

“It is with deep sadness and shame that I speak out today and admit to my wrongdoings. With great power comes great responsibility and unfortunately for my late Uncle Ben, my Aunt May and girlfriend Mary Jane, I have to admit that yes, I was intentionally bitten by a radioactive spider on a school field trip to improve my Sport Climbing abilities.”

He later added, “Despite fighting bad guys and supervillains including the Green Goblin, Doctor Octopus, Sandman and Venom, I was not able to become the friendly neighbourhood rock climber that I promised to be and for that, I will forever be ashamed.”

The news of Coleman’s doping comes on the back of revelations that Georgian weightlifting Gold Medalist Lasha Talakhadze may have purposely exposed himself to heavy doses of gamma radiation to obtain his superhuman strength and that Australian gold medal winning Swimmer Zac Stubblety-Cook may have been an Atlantean hybrid.

While getting your powers from the Queen of Atlantis is not, in itself, against Olympics swimming rules, Stubblety-Cook is currently being investigated by the IOC for his abuse of various Australian betting site’s bonus bet offers to wager on his own races.

Coleman’s doping scandal has sent shockwaves throughout the professional rock-climbing community, with Free Solo star Alex Honnold saying in an interview that, “[he] knew something was not quite right.”

“My spidey senses were tingling, that’s for sure,” he added.

Afghan Disaster: Biden Setting Scene For Holding USA Back During China Attack on Taiwan

Mr. Brownstone
-
0
Afghan Disaster: Biden Setting Scene For Holding USA Back During China Attack on Taiwan

The Afghan campaign was a disaster from beginning to end, and this is what Biden is counting on, as China readies itself to take Taiwan.

By saying that Afghanistan was a lost cause, Biden will say the same thing to the American people when China makes its move on Taiwan. He will state that the age of ‘nation building’ is over, and that the U.S. needs to stand by while China invades Taiwan.

The Afghanistan disaster, that has been beamed around the globe, will be used as a precept to poison public opinion in the U.S. on the concept of trying to rescue other nations that will fall in the future.

The slow march of communism is something that Biden, and his far-left administration subscribe to anyway, and he will, when the time comes, hold U.S. and NATO forces back from reacting to the invasion of Taiwan. Biden, who is most certainly a Chinese asset, along with his son, will urge Americans to look the other way when the time comes, because if he doesn’t, his Chinese controllers will release even more damning information about him and his corrupt son, Hunter.

The preparations for a Chinese attack on Taiwan are already in place, and it is only a matter of time before the invasion begins.

The chaos in Afghanistan is the perfect cover for Biden to ignore the coming chaos and cries for help from the Taiwanese.

When it comes down to the wire, as Obama did when Russia invaded the Crimea, nothing will happen when China invades Taiwan.

Once the Chinese take Taiwan, it’s only a short hop to Australia, and Japan. Biden will abandon those two nations to China as well, citing them as ‘collateral damage’.

EU Speed Limiters to be Compulsory For UK Drivers Despite Brexit

Mr. Brownstone
-
0
EU Speed Limiters to be Compulsory For UK Drivers Despite Brexit

You thought leaving the EU would free you up from those useless Stasi EU directives. Wrong! It seems the UK government, despite Brexit is keeping in line with EU regulations and laws regarding new motor vehicles. This ultimately means, whatever the EU dictates to the UK regarding motoring laws, it has to follow without question or reason — including speed limiters.

Have we left the EU? Yes, regarding some things and a resounding no, regarding others.

All new vehicles sold in Europe – including the UK – will be fitted with a mandatory speed limiter from 2022 to keep cars within the UK speed limits and boost road safety.

The European Commission has reached a provisional agreement that all new vehicles sold in Europe will be fitted with a speed limiter as a legal requirement from 6 July 2022. The 2019/2044 regulation also mandates all new cars that have already launched be fitted with an Intelligent Speed Assist (ISA) by 7 July 2024.

Obey

The UK will likely obey the new road safety regulations despite supposedly leaving the EU as even after Brexit, the UK has retained most EU laws for new cars.

The mandatory speed limiters also track vehicles wherever they go, and feed speed/location data to the authorities.

Maybe, now is the time to bring out that classic car you have been hiding in the garage.

What are the Latest Fitness Trends of 2021?

Mr. Brownstone
-
0
What are the Latest Fitness Trends of 2021?

Health and fitness will typically go through a range of different trends each year as more and more people look to become as healthy as they possibly can.

Indeed, there are a range of benefits that can be felt when trying to be more active, with mental and physical wellbeing being amongst the top advantages that can be achieved when an individual exercises, but the method in which they choose to accomplish those aims appears to change with each year that passes.

2021 is no different, either, as there is an array of different ways in which people are now exercising and trying to become a healthy version of themselves, especially after what they went through in 2020 and the various obstacles and challenges that would have been faced.

These are just some of the biggest trends to have emerged over the last eight months or so, with some perhaps more obvious than others.

Walking

One of the biggest fitness trends of 2021 is one that appears to have boom following 2020, as more and more people decided to take up walking in the great outdoors as a way of getting the blood pumping around the body and building up a sweat.

Whilst there may have been some who were using the best treadmill that money can buy in order to run or walk whilst indoors at home during the lockdown period that saw gyms closed for a long time, there will have been even more people who will have taken up walking outdoors.

This activity was one of the only forms of exercise many would have been able to achieve during 2020, and it seems to have continued into 2021 as they found that it was enjoyable and had significant benefits to their health; both physically and mentally. It also proved to be a great way for the mind to be refreshed throughout the working day, with many tending to go on walking breaks as a means of getting away from a screen and getting some fresh air.

yoga

Yoga

Yoga has always been an incredibly popular fitness trend over the last few years, but it could be suggested that more and more people have decided to take it up in 2021. Again, last year will have played a role for many, as this particular type of exercise helps an individual to remain calm and find their inner peace.

Furthermore, Yoga and Pilates help a person to look after their mental and physical being in a more conscious way, as they will slow down from their busy lives and take a break, whilst also looking to stay as mindful as possible in regard to their posture and alignment.

HIIT Workouts and Quick-Fire Sessions

Another big fitness trend that appears to have really made an impact in 2021 are the HIIT and Quick-Fire routines that can be completed pretty much anywhere, in the home, at the workplace or just generally outdoors.

HIIT stands for High-Intensity Interval Training, and these are short exercises that are designed to provide short bursts of exercise to those who may not have the time to complete a workout in the traditional amount of time that may be needed. For instance, there have been a number of apps to have emerged that help users to enjoy these programs, further highlighting how popular they have become.

Robotics: Musk Unveils Tesla Bot

Mr. Brownstone
-
0
Robotics: Musk Unveils Tesla Bot

Elon Musk is once again promising a fantastic glimpse into the future with his announcement of the Tesla Bot. According to the blurb, the Tesla Bot will be able to do menial boring functions around the house, but do not fear, it will not be able to run faster than 5 miles an hour so if you can run faster than that, you will not be hurt if for some reason it wants to exterminate your filthy human self. If you are old or in a wheelchair, you’re shit out of luck.

Along with the Musk brain implants, and Mars trips, we are not sure whether this is just a way for Musk to revel in some publicity with the Tesla Bot? Could this just be another one of Musk’s fantastical illusions, an announcement, but without much substance?

At one point in the video, Musk mentions ‘universal income’, and nearly gives the game away, mumbling incoherently. He very well knows that there cannot be such a thing at the current levels of population, even only in the West. The numbers only add up for such a scheme in the future with a vastly reduced population, but this of course is a very touchy subject, and billionaires rarely impart such plans to the plebs.

If you really want to look at robotics, Boston Dynamics is really the place to go. There is no conceptual dream there, the Atlas robot really is the leader in all global robots.

As of yet, there is no demonstration of the Musk Tesla Bot, just a short video with a human dancing around in a robot costume. When we actually see the Tesla Bot cooking dinner, putting up shelves, cleaning the toilet, taking out the bins, then we will see something. If the Tesla Bot can pop off to the shops to get some beer, or mow the lawn, maybe construct a flat pack Ikea wardrobe, feed the dog, take it for a walk, the shit will be happening then.

Musk should also consider changing the asexual nature of the Tesla Bot. Imagine the increase in customers for the product if the bot is engineered to the sexual preferences and desired looks of the customer? This thing could deliver your beer from the fridge, then perform some magic on your nether regions before resuming household duties. No one would ever want to leave home again.

Biden on Afghanistan: “Is it All Over Yet?”

Mr. Brownstone
-
0
Biden on Afghanistan: “Is it All Over Yet?”

The cowardice and apathetic evil of Joe Biden knows no bounds, as he hides himself away in his basement, letting the carnage of Afghanistan and the Taliban takeover continue with little or no leadership.

Retiring to his basement, Biden has dismissed the deaths of many during the chaos in Kabul, and even when questioned about Afghans falling from American C-17 planes disgustingly retorted ‘That was four or five days ago, man!’.

Passing the buck to everyone else but himself, Biden refuses to take responsibility for any of his actions or inactions. He instead retires back to his dark basement to hide away from any news or reality.

“Biden suffers from his Catholic guilt, deep down he knows what he has done, the horrors of millions of Afghan people he has condemned to certain death and persecution, he is trying to bury it all deep down in his psyche, but like a bubbling stinky swamp, the thoughts will haunt this coward who has shamed America. Saying a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers will not rectify anything that has been committed by this evil, corrupt treasonous coward,” a Biden observer noted.

It will be some time before the yellow-stained coward Biden emerges from his dark basement while all hell is breaking loose.

China Fed Taliban Vital U.S Intelligence Prior to Takeover

Mr. Brownstone
-
0
China Fed Taliban Vital U.S Intelligence Prior to Takeover

There is a reason why the Taliban were always one or two steps ahead of the Americans and their hurried surrender of Afghanistan — China. With eyes on vast caches of mineral resources and rare earth materials necessary for high-end technological production, Afghanistan, holds untold natural resources just begging to be mined. Afghanistan holds between $1 trillion and $3 trillion in mineral wealth in underground reserves, including vast gold deposits and lithium that may be used to develop batteries for electric vehicles. For China, Afghanistan is a veritable treasure chest of opportunities to increase its already huge wealth, and production capabilities.

Worth trillions of dollars, the Chinese/Taliban mining deals, would not only fund a high-tech Taliban military but also provide opportunities for Chinese construction companies to build roads, motorways, hospitals and other infrastructure. The Chinese Belt and Road Initiative (BRI), will be solidly implemented into Afghanistan, as it is in Africa.

Chinese mining companies, closely tied to the CCP, will be given contracts from the Taliban and will be mining soon. The deals were conducted weeks ago when the sloppy Americans under the orders of incompetent Joe Biden were told to abandon and leave everything.

China has already stated, it will recognise the Taliban government, when all Western nations have refused to do so.

The Taliban were fed strategic intelligence, including times, and other crucial information related to the U.S withdrawal, by Chinese intelligence sources who have direct access to American classified information.

Because of Biden’s ties to Beijing, it is almost a certainty that he was informed by his Chinese controllers to capitulate without a fight. The CCP holds a treasure trove of Kompromat on corrupt Joe Biden, and his crack smoking son, Hunter, which they can release at any time, if he does not tow the line. In no uncertain terms, Biden is a valuable Chinese asset who can be used to undermine the USA from the inside.

As Western nations abandon Afghanistan, China is staying behind. China’s embassy never closed even during the chaos and mayhem left by the Americans.

Tony Blair: “Don’t Look at Me, I’ve Got Nothing to Do With This!”

Mr. Brownstone
-
0
Tony Blair: “Don’t Look at Me, I’ve Got Nothing to Do With This!”

Whilst the usual blame shifting continued in a reconvened parliament today, there was only silence from a very significant player in the Afghan crisis — Tony Blair.

Blair today is an enriched elder statesman who rolls himself out now and then to advise everyone on a plan of action regarding whatever problem is irking, however, this time he strangely seems to be silent.

Afghanistan, of course, has been a thorn in many a PM’s side throughout history, however, Tony Blair’s role in committing British forces once again into the adverse country, should be analysed. It was solely committed because Blair followed Bush without question. Britain was/is the poodle of the United States, and thanks to Blair following the blood crazed American Neocons into nightmare situations without question or fortitude, Britain has once again been defeated in Afghanistan.

How should the ‘special relationship’ be re-evaluated in the future? Should British forces be bullied into following insane policies of the United States without question?

The premise of the initial attack of Afghanistan was to destroy “Bin Laden” and his Al Qaeda terrorists. This was a clear hot-headed plan to simply kill some Muslims in retaliation for the 911 attacks, because Bin Laden was in Pakistan, and not in Afghanistan. Al Qaeda, a fluid organisation never stays in a singular place for any length of time, cannot be charged with any singular territory belonging to them.

We would not be in this mess if it had not been for Tony Blair and the Labour Party, which have been trying to shift the blame to Boris Johnson today in parliament.

As parliament babbles on inanely today, Tony Blair, the architect of Britain’s demise in Afghanistan, is silent in one of his many multi-million pound mansions. Iraq was next for Blair and Bush.

Blair will not be called up for his crimes, and neither will his Neocon master George W. Bush, who are the real ones with piles of bloody bodies on their unwashed hands. The clueless Joe Biden, who does not even know what day it is, let alone anything about Afghanistan, is a useless dreg, a faltering half-brain cell who just needs to go back to sleep and ignore that anything happened in that dusty, hellish country.

All your babbling will not right the wrongs, you will not feel better for airing your grievances, because out there in Afghanistan, right now, people are being killed, persecuted and tortured, all because of the insane aspirations of the Western ‘state builders’ who tried to change the impossible.

Today, Islamic Jihad wins, and it revels in the riches of its victory, while the naive meddling West receives a sharp, swift kick in the groin, and a stiff dose of fucking reality.

 

The Happy Happy World of the New Taliban 2.0

Mr. Brownstone
-
0
The Happy Happy World of the New Taliban 2.0

It’s like Christmas, New Year, and all birthdays rolled into one for the new Taliban 2.0, simply because of the wonderful gifts given to them by Joe Biden, on a golden platter, without a single bullet being fired.

Of course, the new Taliban are talking all liberal, they’re so happy right now with the billions of dollars of gifts, they’re simply Jihaded out!

Women and girls rights? Sure, on the surface it will look like some concessions from the old days, but under the surface, much will be the same. Sharia law is Sharia law after all.

When it will get dark, the old ways will resume in silence, the knock on doors for those who conspired against them, the young women told to follow their new master at gun point, and of course the vast swathes of poppy fields now all under Taliban control ready to be harvested, processed and shipped over to the West. With a restricted Western press allowed in the country, nothing will be reported.

The Taliban now have state-of-the-art gyms to get fit in, they even have fucking dodgems to clown around in and even an air force gifted to them by Joe Biden, worth billions of dollars. The new breed of Taliban now have access to American military gear like night vision goggles, M4 machine guns, kevlar body protection all with close air support from Blackhawk helicopters.

UPDATE : Funny thing is, in a fit of Sharia conscience the same Taliban crew filmed enjoying dodgems in the fair ground, torched the motherfucking place down, a few days later.

It’s all smiles, folks, thanks to the surrender of the weak and lazy Biden administration, who just could not be bothered with it all anymore. The reason for the apathy, and laziness is probably that there were no visible transexuals in Afghanistan, so the Biden admin just got bored. Without gays and transexuals to virtue signal over, what was the point of being there for the socialist Biden admin? It seems they do not give a fig about the fate of women and girls in the country, so they abandoned everyone to a fate of silent death to the now emboldened and extremely rich Taliban.

As for the Taliban, they simply played the long game and won. The Taliban always knew the Westerners did not have a heart in what they were doing in Afghanistan, and they punished them with not only many humiliating deaths, but got them to spend trillions of dollars for nothing.

“We helped bankrupt them over twenty years and tired them out, killing many of their soldiers. The icing on the cake, thank you to Joe Biden, you left us billions worth of military hardware, and helicopters, Humvees and drones,” one Taliban member quipped whilst reclining in the former Afghan president’s palace.

 

U.S. Surrender: Heroin Production to Increase in Afghanistan

Mr. Brownstone
-
0
U.S. Surrender: Heroin Production to Increase in Afghanistan

One thing the Taliban are very good at is in the production of raw opium from the extensive poppy fields they will now control exclusively. The Coalition forces during their tenure somewhat throttled some of the production of raw opium and heroin, however the Taliban will need more weapons and ammo when the stuff from the Afghan army runs out.

Opium production from the poppy plant is a relatively labour-intensive process.

The U.S. spent more than $8.5 billion over 15 years trying to deprive the Taliban of their profits from Afghanistan’s opium and heroin trade, from poppy eradication to airstrikes and raids on suspected labs, but thanks to Joe Biden’s surrender, have failed miserably.

To fuel the Taliban’s need for high-end weapons, transportation, as well as other military gear, their first plan of action will be to increase production of the finest grade heroin to sell to the West.

Western nations, where the heroin is most in demand, will now see an increased influx of the drug from Taliban controlled Afghanistan. No doubt, deaths from overdoses will also increase, especially as Afghan heroin is the purest on the market. This is all good for the Taliban, a win-win situation, not only are they poisoning the infidels with their heroin, but they will make vast profits from the trade.

According to some sources, the Taliban currently make approximately $400 million per annum in the heroin trade, but this will quadruple many times over most indefinitely especially with the whole country under their control now.

1...229230231...805Page 230 of 805
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.