17.7 C
London
Friday, April 10, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 305

#FruitToo – Abused Fruit in Fruit Porn Advert Demand Justice For Fruit

Balls Macready
-
0
#FruitToo – Abused Fruit in Fruit Porn Advert Demand Justice For Fruit

A new fruit porn advert showing fruit getting fingered and squirting their juices all over the place has brought on the ire of the #FruitToo movement, as well as puritanical censors.

“I felt violated. The director said we were chosen out of thousands of pieces of fruit to star in a smoothie advert, but when we were brought into the studio, we were fingered, juiced, and some of us had smoothie juice ejaculated all over our faces,” a distraught raspberry revealed.

The bawdy fruit porn advert created by the saucy people at the London-based PLAY agency denied they did anything wrong, despite the director being spotted after the shoot with fruit juices dripping from his chin after chomping on some frightened strawberries.

Creatively speaking though, we feel this fruity stuff has been done before, by artist Stephanie Sarley.

Watch at your own peril.

 

Nanny State: People Need to Be Told How to Do Everything By the Government

Balls Macready
-
0
Nanny State: People Need to Be Told How to Do Everything By the Government

If you ever wondered how brainwashed and dumb most people are, just read the mainstream papers in the last few days. Surrounded by a nanny state, the masses are clueless sheeple with no form of individual thought between them.

It’s as if people need to be told how to do everything, where to go, how to walk, how to act, how to go to work, how not to go to work, and how to get some fucking common sense.

“This is what happens when the socialist nanny state has run rampant for the past few decades. The sheeple are so brainwashed they need the fucking government to tell them how to wash their socks, or pick their noses. If there is not a daily directive on the best way to wipe your arse, the sheeple wait with delirious delight, their ears pricked high for the announcement to come through the air ways,” one commentator revealed.

This reliance on the government to dictate everything to the masses, must hopefully one day be quashed, so that people can one day think for themselves.

Instead of the hive mind, how about a bit of individual thought?

Instead of all coming out of your doors clapping inanely like penguins when you are told to, how about refusing for one day, and sit on your sofa, say thank you quietly under your breath to the dancing NHS nurses and doctors, then get on with reading your book.

The level of brainwashing in the country can be seen every day, lemmings and their stupid questions to Ministers who hold their hand at every point.

It’s a fucking pandemic, get it? If you make yourself available to any sort of crowd you are in danger of catching the COVID-19 virus, and passing it on and on to the next person. That’s all you need to fucking know, not stupid things.

You should have been set up with your own proper mask in January. In Britain, people are thinking of getting them now in May.

Stop this nanny state shit, and people should be allowed to do what they can to survive. Leave the Ministers and PM alone for a second, they have enough on their plate anyway. Just leave them the fuck alone.

Grow up!

Obama: “Why Trump Should Never Have Been President – I Got the Tapes”

Balls Macready
-
0
Obama: “Why Trump Should Never Have Been President – I Got the Tapes”

“I allegedly bugged Trump Tower while Trump was a candidate for election, and I have to tell ya, he doesn’t deserve to be president, not after what I heard,” former president, Barack Hussein revealed on Tuesday.

Will we ever get to hear those tapes, and if Obama recorded anything untoward, he should reveal the details.

“You call him the Teflon Don. I personally oversaw the bugs and FISA warrant wiretapping operation. The shit I heard, if it was publicised, would make him the Velcro Don!” Obama added.

Obamagate

No one has dared to actually question the legality of what Obama allegedly did by bugging Trump’s phones and home, but questions must one day be answered.

“You ever spent hours and days in a van parked outside Trump Towers? The van smelled of stale coffee, farts, burritos and feet. We could hear a pin drop in his place, and when he sometimes farted near the bugging devices, we thought someone had let off a grenade. All I will tell ya, is that Melania obeys Donald like an Eastern European slave woman. Like he tells her to sit on the floor, twirl on her head then whoop like a dog, and she does it without question. Wish I could do the same with Michael. Then Trump would throw her twenty dollars and tell her to buy a cone. I can’t speak Russian, but we got some serious stuff.”

It seems, despite the threats going back and forth, president Trump is somewhat caught in the headlights and is not acting against his old foe in the face of these spurious claims.

Coronavirus Pandemic: Many Businesses Speed Up AI Automation

Balls Macready
-
0
Coronavirus Pandemic: Many Businesses Speed Up AI Automation

Just as the global coronavirus pandemic coincided with the global roll out of 5G technology, and the masts were being put up during the lockdown, so too are many businesses thinking about a world with less employees. Companies are now attempting to automate most of their operations with AI systems.

The ONS estimates that 1.5 million jobs will be automated within the next few years, and with the coronavirus pandemic, things are speeding up for companies to develop better and faster technical systems to replace human employees. Robots will replace 20 million factory jobs by 2030.

 

The ONS has analysed the jobs of 20 million people1 in England in 2017, and has found that 7.4% are at high risk of automation.

Automation involves replacing tasks currently done by workers with technology, which could include computer programs, algorithms, or even robots.

Women, young people, and those who work part-time are most likely to work in roles that are at high risk of automation. SOURCE

Businesses like Uber, were actually modelled on robotic autonomous vehicles, therefore, losing their human drivers will only bring the company back to their initial vision.

“Humans are now very much a liability, they can get sick, they need to be paid, they need holidays, they need tribunals and rights. With automation, we just let the technical system run and it can go for days with minimal assistance and minimal cost to us,” one employer revealed.

ROBOTICS

The most at risk jobs of automation are listed as those who work in factories, manufacturing, hospitality business, drivers, telemarketing, bookkeeping clerks, clerical, accountants, compensation and benefits managers, receptionists, couriers, proofreaders, computer support specialists, market research analysts, advertising salespeople, retail salespeople — these are some amongst an exhaustive list.

“Now is the time that many businesses are taking advantage of the situation with coronavirus to take away many of the human jobs and automate their systems almost fully. It is the perfect opportunity to integrate AI systems, and robotics to streamline services for the everyday consumer, and increase productivity,” Neil Foreman, a CEO of a marketing company revealed.

So, what happens to the people that lose their jobs after being replaced by automated systems or robots?

In every process of change people adapt to the situation, as did happen in the 19th century Industrial Revolution. The factories put many traditional rural jobs out of commission and made them redundant, but where people lost their jobs, they gained by doing other types of work, so everything is interchangeable in the long-term process of technique.

Vulgar Harry and Meghan LA Mansion 15 Times the Size of Frogmore Cottage

Balls Macready
-
0
Vulgar Harry and Meghan LA Mansion 15 Times the Size of Frogmore Cottage

The vulgar monstrosity that Harry and Meghan are staying in Los Angeles is 15 times the size of their English cottage Frogmore, plus 10 times the size of Will’s and Kate’s place but with zero style or class.

Vulgar crass classless

Harry and Meghan are currently scrounging off some low-level token black Hollywood producer Christian fanatic, and the 24 rooms are replete with vulgar furnishings that some pimp from Atlanta would have a hard time dealing with.

“It’s like a pimp palace, fake gold furnishings fake chandeliers and typical hip hop vulgar furniture. You know like you get from some debt ridden rapper on MTV cribs,” a real estate agent revealed.

Security Nightmare

The property is not only a vulgar turd hole, it is a security nightmare. Backing away from the pool, is a mountainous area where any clued-up terrorist, tabloid photographer or lone sniper could hide out for days without being spotted.

HARRY AND MEGHAN HOLLYWOOD MANSION SECURITY NIGHTMARE

Security expert, Don Goldman, saw a picture of the property and was astounded that someone like Harry, who has royal Windsor blood running through his veins, would agree to be exposed to such a spot.

“The mountainside can hide platoons of paparazzi and terrorists at the same time. Snipers would have a field day, or why not someone with a bazooka? The only place that is guarded is the front of the house and the gate. They are also paying for two security officers, probably just armed with a pistol. It has been reported these security officers are just used to run errands for the couple, sent to get Starbucks all day.”

Carbon footprint

The supposed virtue signalling eco-couple better not preach about the ice caps melting any time soon after living in this monstrous vast carbon shedding fuck hole.

Chinese Virus Did Not Come From China Says Furious Chinese Leader

Balls Macready
-
0
Chinese Virus Did Not Come From China Says Furious Chinese Leader

Fat headed Chinese communist President Xi Jinping has furiously denied that the Chinese Virus, Covid-19 came from China in a 30-page, 11,000-word document sent to the US, on Saturday.

The coronavirus which came from Wuhan, China in October 2019 and was suppressed by orders of Xi Jinping according to him did not originate from China.

“The vilus came from da USA or maybe Mars, or Pluto. Arr the doctors and journarists who I ordered to be disappealed cannot testify to this rie that it came from China. All these people ale in mass graves in Wuhan with the hundleds of thousands of others — oops! I feal I have said too much, and I wirr have myself arrested for revearing too much!” the confused shit head president Jinping said jumping around like a jackass.

Some in the Chinese Communist Party fear their commie leader Xi Jinping has lost his little fucking mind, but in fear for their lives from the mad brutal tyrant are keeping schtum.

“He has a big fucking fat head, but a tiny little brain in there,” one Politburo member said before being whisked away to be disappeared.

Just to reiterate the point — the Chinese virus did not come from China..

Bible Historians Uncover Scripture Revealing That Jesus Could Not Swim

Balls Macready
-
0
Bible Historians Uncover Scripture Revealing That Jesus Could Not Swim

Found in a dusty forgotten corner of Jerusalem, bible historians and archaeologists have recovered parchment papers revealing the incredible discovery that Jesus Christ of Nazereth, otherwise known as the Messiah could not swim — but he could walk on water, amongst his many miracles.

Professor of Theology at Arkansas University, Brad Furlong, discovered the parchment which dates back to the first century AD.

“The parchment was part of the New Testament and it was signed by the apostle St. Paul. It details the fact that Jesus was a very poor swimmer, and nearly drowned once when he fell off his fishing boat. The fact that Jesus could walk on water was only mentioned at the end of the short script, and St. Paul reckons that Jesus was given a helping hand by God when he walked on water.”

The archaeological team worked for six weeks to uncover the find and avoided any coronavirus lockdown in place.

“By the grace of God, and the saviour of humankind, Jesus, we were able to find this rare parchment which we will give to the Vatican library for safe keeping,” the professor added.

Christians across the globe were astounded at the new news about Jesus, and have started Christian swimming clubs to praise their Lord. No one however has mastered the art of walking on water yet.

Slot Machines: All You Need to Know

Balls Macready
-
0
Slot Machines: All You Need to Know

Slot machines are one of the most fun and popular games at online casinos. The reasons derive from their ease of play, the bonuses they give, and the large variety of titles available.

Also, it can’t be denied that the adrenaline and the excitement these games give us adds up to more fans. So, if you want to know everything about online slots keep reading the information below.

What are online casino slots?

Online casino slots are gambling games that are very popular among the gamblers. They make up 70% of the bookmakers’ game catalogue.

Thanks to technology, their design has changed over the years, and nowadays you can play them from your PC or mobile device. The gameplay is attractive, easy to learn, and of course, a lot of fun.

How do slots work?

RANDOM NUMSMost of the online slot machines are designed by prestigious casino software companies. These games are based on RNG (random number generator); which every millisecond will create random sequences. Therefore, these games can’t be fixed by the casinos’ management.

Being the above the first reason to only play slots at licensed casinos that have reputable providers. This factor ensures that your gaming experience will be fair; because these entertainments are tested and audited by independent laboratories.

There are websites such as Xfire whose experts are in charge of recommending the best casinos with slots. All their suggestions have been subjected to extensive testing and research, so they are 100% safe and will save you a lot of time.

This whole process guarantees that the slots have no memory and the results will depend on the luck factor when spinning the reels.

casino-3491252_640

Types of slot machines

Slot machines have evolved a lot over the years and in online casinos, you will find several designs that you should know about.

Classics

They are the least complicated and ideal for novice players. They consist of three reels with various symbols. When the reels are spun the RNG stops the slots and if three identical symbols match on one line you win.

Video Slots

They are technologically impressive, incorporating 5 or more reels. Also, the images, sounds, and graphics are very appealing and sophisticated, allowing you to elevate your gaming experience.

These games have symbols, more pay lines, bonuses, multipliers, nice spins, and more. Besides, the payouts are quite high.

With Jackpot

If you want to have fun and make big money you should try this kind of slot. The jackpots increase as the players interact with the machine and when a lucky player earns it his life changes. Sometimes certain slot titles with progressive jackpots have been handed out millions of dollars.

How many variants of slot machines are there?

It is difficult to say how many variants of slot machines there are. Since every day many titles from different casino software providers are released to the market.

If you enter any casino that offers slot machines in its catalogue you will find hundreds of these games. Therefore, it’s easy to play with more than 7000 thousand titles online.

At the moment slot titles are based on different themes like:

Animals.
Movies and series.
Vampires.
Famous people from politics and show business.
Fantasy.
Mythology.
Country traditions.
Superheroes and many more.

Can I play slots from my cell phone?

phone-875488_640The gaming industry has made it its mission to make things easier for players. For this reason, it has adapted its slot machine games to work on mobile devices such as phones and tablets.

The playability is excellent and the quality of the games is maintained. So, gamblers will not miss a single minute of entertainment while travelling or being away from their computer.

Also, many online casinos give bonuses if you play slots from your mobile device. They also make it easier to make deposits when playing.

Is it possible to win money with these games?

woman-3261425_640Remember that slot machines are games of chance and winning depends mainly on the luck factor. The main idea is to have fun, but your chances of winning are not that far away because the RTP of these games is between 95% and 97%.

Also, these games have bonus rounds and jackpots that can raise your bankroll. Therefore, it is advisable to play with bonuses to lengthen your time on the machines and increase your chances of winning. So, look for online casinos that offer free spins to play with slots.

Why Europe and the EU Owes a Huge Gratitude to Great Britain

Balls Macready
-
0
Why Europe and the EU Owes a Huge Gratitude to Great Britain

If it were not for Britain’s immense resilience 75 years ago, the world and Europe would have been a very different place.

We would not have democracy but a totalitarian Nazi regime of racial hatred ruling over the European continent and Britain, but it was one tiny island that scuppered the plans of the fascists to create their Third Reich of Nazism.

 

Europe never paid back the British for their sacrifice, instead building a different sort of nemesis across the channel. This time, instead of the Nazi political ideology, the Europeans sought to encompass and adopt the Soviet, collectivist ideology of the former USSR led directly by the unelected Politburo of the EU Commission.

Britain was duped in the 1970s into joining the early construct of the EU, simply as a trading mechanism but did not count on the political agenda that would manifest over time. We were now locked into this monolithic wasteful monster that subverted and subdued democracy, and used Britain simply as a cash cow for their socialist pet projects. Britain found itself being dictated to, being put on the back foot, being ruled over.

Seventy-five years ago on VE day, Britain and its allies had won the war, yet after joining the EU, we were firmly shown that we had not, especially in the eyes of our EU masters, and their communist East German ideals.

Europe had gone from National Socialism to Soviet Communism in one fell swoop, and this swing from one political ideology to another form of totalitarian authoritarianism was the precursor of the Brexit movement.

This island must never give up, especially with huge pressure now to delay or even stop Brexit because of the coronavirus.

Europe may one day thank Britain for seeing sense while most of them cannot or refuse to, especially with the impending dissolution of a Soviet EUSSR that is now intent on building its own military force amongst other expansionist ideas.

We stood up 75 years ago and fought for the tenets of freedom, liberty and democracy while Europe was paralysed under its own deathly facade of fascism, and today we fight for Europe to be freed from its own undemocratic chains of EU communism.

History repeats itself in funny ways sometimes.

Power Mad Smeagol Sturgeon and Her Precious SNP

Balls Macready
-
0
Power Mad Smeagol Sturgeon and Her Precious SNP

This vile creature, lives behind a chip shop in a dark dank alleyway which rarely sees the light of day.

Slithering in the corners, Sturgeon is a good Smeagol swallowing deep-fried Mars bars whole without batting an eyelid. Ever since she received the ring of the SNP, Sturgeon has been consumed by the power of it all.

“Yes-s-s-s, my precious-s-s,” she says rubbing her little plastic ring, her eyes wide in the darkness, sniffing the niffy air.

Suddenly a sodden drunk Scot enters the alley, and lifts his kilt. His urine exalts the brickwork and rubbish bins, the steam rising like rain clouds over Ben Nevis, Sturgeon knows its drinky time, and consumes her Irn-Bru with gusto.

Like a good Glaswegian, the man then takes out a needle and jams it into his groin, sighing as the dirty dose of third-class heroin enters his veins. Throwing the used needle into the darkness, he hears a sound of pain as it hits Gollum.

“Scuse me Miss Sturgeon, didn’t see you there,” the man says leaving hurriedly.

Smeagol is back in her Scottish parliament amongst the used needles, overflowing bins and used condoms.

Time to keep plotting against the Sassenachs, an evil smile curls round Smeagol’s thin lips, she picks up another partially eaten deep-fried Mars bar and swallows without chewing. Time is on her side.

1...304305306...814Page 305 of 814
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2026.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH