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Latest Global Woke News Bulletin From Your Supreme Comrade

Abbie Isse
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Latest Global Woke News Bulletin From Your Supreme Comrade

Dear Comrades,

The singular woke global communist disease, ahem, I mean ideology is going well and as planned. My 10-year collectivist plan is slowly coming into fruition, it is called the Great Leap Backwards.

We have indoctrinated the Western nations into the woke agenda, and many, including the elite of your nations, have fallen into line through cash incentives. Corporate companies have embraced wokism as their ideology because it allows for their products to continue to be manufactured in sweat shops and slave farms in China. As we daily commit genocide on the Uyghur people, they are also forced to work in factories manufacturing plastic shoes for immoral greed-driven woke companies like Nike, and we do not pay these workers anything. The suicide nets we have on all tall buildings ensure that communist slave workers get to end their lives making cheap products for Western companies to sell to their customers for huge profits and not as mush on tarmac.

In conjunction with the WEF, UN and EU, who we control and dictate to completely, as well as our beloved comrade Joe Biden, we would like to congratulate you all in indoctrinating your populace with woke communist ideology, which is demoralising your nations from the inside. Your entire education systems have been wokified, and under the guise of ‘inclusivity’ the communist woke system is actually an unforgiving exclusive ideology where censorship, cancellation and intolerance are daily enacted, fracturing and dividing your nations further internally. Your wokified Big Tech companies are the guardians who indoctrinate your populations daily and endeavour to create a hive mind of communist woke think, deleting, censoring, vaporising and cancelling any individuals who have thoughts of their own. Divide and conquer is a great strategy, and this is what we are using on your demoralised population whilst China is a united singular nation of strong citizens, you are being encouraged to indoctrinate your men in homosexuality, feminity, gender dysphoria, confusion and other horrific practices. Your women are being trained into being masculine, virile Marxist activists and deranged anger-filled social justice warriors intent on murdering any men who try to compete with them in any way.

Remember comrades, we are watching you daily, and through the woke ideology which we have integrated into your pliant Western society, one day your society will completely break down. Do not worry, Chinese troops will be landing on your shores and parachuting into your gardens to take you to special concentration camps, ahem, I mean to liberate and save you.

Keep up with your woke censorship, cancel culture because it is ‘inclusive’ and ‘tolerant’.

This is your supreme comrade Uncle Xi signing out for now.

Available For Next Christmas: Flamethrower Robot Dog

Abbie Isse
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Available For Next Christmas: Flamethrower Robot Dog

The ultimate Christmas present for little Johnny to play with in the garden just presented itself to the world — a flamethrower robot dog.

Man’s best friend

The company Throwflame will present for sale in Q3 2023, the Thermonator, a cheap Chinese knock-off of Boston Dynamics’ Spot doggy, with a motherfucking flamethrower on top of it.

You simply cannot get anything better than this as a Christmas prezzy.

But hey, let’s be responsible with its use eh, you can’t just barbecue your neighbour’s testicles simply because he is a vindictive psychotic arsehole, please show some restraint when playing with this toy.

Yellow Coward Prigozhin Banished to Belarus

Abbie Isse
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Yellow Coward Prigozhin Banished to Belarus

Oh dear, desertion in the Wagner Group usually means a sledgehammer to the head, and no doubt ‘Putin’s Chef’ Yevgeny Prigozhin will meet his end soon with some spectacular accident.

“We give him top penthouse in Minsk, and one day he slip and fall out of window,” an FSB operative in Belarus revealed.

Whatever happens, it is game over for Prigozhin and his crew of misfits, even if Putin has shown weakness.

The lame war in Ukraine will continue limping along, and it is up to the Ukrainians to push forward and capitalise on the disarray within the Russian military ranks.

Beware of a wounded rat backed into a corner, Putin still has his finger on the red button and is itching to press it.

We Are Inviting Billionaires to Pay to Visit Titanic Wreck in Daily Squib Submarine

Abbie Isse
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We Are Inviting Billionaires to Pay to Visit Titanic Wreck in Daily Squib Submarine

Hello, the Daily Squib is inviting all global billionaires from around the world to pay us $500,000 each for a once-in-a-lifetime trip to the underwater grave of the Titanic.

This amazing one way trip will be from our specially designed prototype submarine we made out of fibreglass, sellotape, and gorilla glue. We also will be piloting the submarine with a Sega Dreamcast controller from 1988 which we bought on eBay for £3.25 on auction.

Titanium and steel is for pussies, the hull of the submarine is constructed from fibreglass which shatters when under stress. Look, it’s cheaper and lighter to use fibreglass, and as for certification, who needs that shit anyway.

The submarine was tested in a pool with a depth of 6 metres, and we think this is enough to show that the craft will implode at a depth of 15,000 ft.

If you are a billionaire, or better still, a trillionaire, please contact us immediately to reserve your place for your final trip. You will pay $500,000 to see the wreck of the Titanic just before the entire craft implodes and your body disintegrates into fish food. Do not worry, you will not feel anything, it will be a millisecond implosion.

The Daily Squib submarine can fit in five billionaires at a time, and once that one goes, give us half an hour to knock up another submarine to accommodate all the other billionaires lining up for the trip. All passengers will be required to sign a waiver after paying, stipulating that this will be a one way trip.

APPLY HERE: Squib Titanic Sub Trip, P.O. Box 3452, London, W1Y 3DA, United Kingdom. Cheques for $500,000 for each passenger must be included, payable to “Daily Squib”.

 

Putin: “There is Nothing to See Here”

Abbie Isse
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Putin: “There is Nothing to See Here”

Supreme Russian leader Vladimir Putin has made an address to the Russian people about the Wagner Group army of mercenaries and convicts marching towards Moscow to hang him.

“There is nothing to see here, folks. The Russian army and people are totally behind me for sending their men to certain death in the meat grinder of Ukraine. While Wagner boss, Yevgeny Prigozhin has been visiting the graves of those who gave their lives needlessly for nothing, and garnering respect with the people, military and FSB hierarchy, I have done nothing apart from hide away in my bunker counting the billions of dollars I have stolen from the Russian people and economy. When the Wagner Group march into the Kremlin and everyone applauds them, I will be whisked away to an undisclosed location, or maybe they will put me out of my misery seeing as I have ruined Russia with my insane tinpot invasions of other sovereign territory.”

Behind the scenes, many operatives in the FSB are standing down, as is the Russian army as the Wagner group convoy readies for a Moscow move.

The cure it seems is worse than the medicine, as one nutter seeks to take over from another nutter.

We can only dream of Putin’s Armani suited body swinging from a rope over Red Square, whether the dream materialises or not, the delightful thought is still thoroughly pleasing.

Shoplifting and Looting Now Considered Normal in Recession Britain

Abbie Isse
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Shoplifting and Looting Now Considered Normal in Recession Britain

When a block of regular cheddar cheese is now £6.90 in the shops, and a loaf of bread £3.50, it is no wonder that many Britons are resorting to shoplifting from supermarkets and shops. The cost of living in the UK is now at insane levels, therefore looting and stealing from shops is a daily activity for many.

Bankrupt Britain

The Bank of England’s irresponsible mismanagement of the economy led by turnip head BofE governor Andrew Bailey (salary:£672,000/year), who recently put interest rates up by 5%, has further impoverished the population. This has led to formerly law-abiding citizens to turn to crime simply to feed themselves and their families.

“You walk in, take what you want, then calmly walk out without paying. The police do not care, because everyone’s doing it now. If I need anything, I just get it,” a grandmother in Anglesey, told the Sun.

Free for all

According to many new shoplifters, the cashiers are often sympathetic and let them go on their way without saying anything.

“I’ve got a whole bag of cheddar here. Cost me nothing. I’ll give some to folks in my area, or sell some. I only go for the big price items, like cheddar and olive oil,” a council worker from Berkshire revealed.

You may have three jobs, but it’s still not enough to live in a country that is now unliveable.

shoplifting

Julie, a mother of six from Wythenshawe, Manchester, regularly steals from shops just to survive.

“The rent payments take everything, so I now steal just to feed my family. I look at the greasy piece of shit Rishi Sunak and want to vomit,” the librarian exclaimed.

Treasury Chancellor of the Exchequer, Jeremy Hunt, told families on Friday whilst giggling like a deranged hyena: “People need to eat less or do not eat at all. Forget about ever going on a holiday ever again, and walk everywhere. Sell your car. You must enjoy your poverty, because this is the future for Britain. After I am done with you lot, you will either be dead or barely fucking alive. This’ll teach you to vote for Brexit! Scum!”

Shoplifting is now a normal pursuit for many in Britain, and is accepted fully by many people.

“You can’t get arrested even if you try. I mean, I walked out of my local shop with my hands full of stuff and bumped into a copper. He smiled, and said I dropped a block of cheddar. He handed it to me, and told me to get on my way,” a maths teacher from Solihull revealed.

Daily Squib Notice

We are in no way condoning any of the actions of shoplifters or looters, we are simply reporting what is going on currently in the UK.

Kitty Litter Boxes Installed For Pupils in Woke Classrooms

Abbie Isse
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Kitty Litter Boxes Installed For Pupils in Woke Classrooms

Schools are now having to install kitty litter boxes in classrooms, as well as scratching posts for pupils who identify as cats. Some pupils also demand that they are allowed to sleep during classes, simply because that’s what cats do all the time.

Katharine Bhenchod cautioned that adult authority ‘is long gone’ as more woke children are being allowed to identify as animals and objects in school.

It comes after an 8-year-old girl was branded ‘despicable’ by her teacher for rejecting her classmate’s claim that he ‘identified’ as a toilet cleaning brush.

The ‘dumb headmistress’ and founder of the Panchod Salaa Community free school in Wembley, London, made the comments during a speech at NatCon last month.

Dubbed Britain’s dumbest head, she warned that parents have ‘no idea just had bad things are in schools’.

She said: “Do you know that some kids identify as pussycats?”

Britain’s most idiotic headteacher Katharine Bhenchod claims there are more cases of pupils identifying as other species as parents and teachers cave in to woke demands.

“Even though I am supposedly the headteacher, I have no authority over anything that goes on in my own school, and because I have been forced to be woke myself, I cannot do or say anything. In fact, I might as well identify as a lamp post or something because everyone ignores me,” Ms Bhenchod moaned.

Britain’s weakest headteacher Katharine Bhenchod claims there are more cases of pupils identifying as other species as parents and teachers cave in to woke demands.

“We have one boy who identifies as a skunk. He says it is his non-binary right to fart in people’s faces if he is scared. Another pupil, Alison, identifies as a stick insect and stays still in one position for hours. So far, she has missed twelve classes this week alone, because she freezes in position in random areas around the school.”

On Tuesday, during a maths class, one pupil who identifies as an octopus squirted black ink over the entire classroom simply because he said he was very scared of quadratic equations. The teacher could do nothing and everyone just sat there for the entire class soaked in black ink.

Julie Armshaw, 15, is a pupil at the school who identifies as a ‘radiator’. She now refuses to speak and only makes a creaking sound once in a while. During classes, she stands in the corner and spreads her arms and legs onto a wall.

Because being woke is celebrated throughout the entire school system, there is nothing anyone can do to stop it all. Oink, miaow, moo.

Pupil Who Identifies as a Toilet Brush Applauded by Woke Teachers

Abbie Isse
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Pupil Who Identifies as a Toilet Brush Applauded by Woke Teachers

Wokeville elementary school has awarded a pupil in year eight an award for being the Woke Student of the Year. Tommy Wu, who attends the school, identifies as a toilet brush. The gender inclusive school is a woke academy where the classrooms are adorned with gay rainbows and children are encouraged to explore anal sex and transgenderism.

Things are not always so rosy however at the school, especially when another pupil in Tommy’s class was not happy that ze identified as a toilet brush. The teacher of the class intervened and castigated the ‘young human with a womb’ for daring to question Tommy’s gender as a toilet brush. Tommy also goes by the pronouns: “plop, plap, splash” and sometimes “zees”.

“He goes to our toilets and sticks his head in the bowl, cleaning the poo off the sides. I personally find it disgusting,” Sarah Abbyorshun, told the teacher.

“How dare you misgender and question our Tommy Toilet Brush? You are a despicable bigoted ‘young human with a womb’ . Go to Ms Simmons’ office now, and I shall see to it that you are suspended from school,” the woke teacher wailed.

“Yes, Tommy is a bit smelly, but that’s “plop’s” gender affirmative inclusive progressive woke right to identify as a toilet brush. “Plop” is actually doing us a service here, I mean have you ever seen our toilets as clean as this?” the teacher added in class.

Tommy nodded zees toilet brush head in agreement, and a large piece of poo which was still stuck to the brush unlatched itself and flew across the room, entering the teacher’s open mouth avec un little plop sound.

“Gulp!”

Britain is now the Zimbabwe High Inflation Nation of G7

Abbie Isse
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Britain is now the Zimbabwe High Inflation Nation of G7

In the US inflation is 4.7%, in the EU zone it is 6.2%, and in the UK it is 8.7%. Thanks to the Bank of England, and their idiotic 12 interest rate rises as well as their gross mismanagement of the entire debacle, the UK is an interest rate disaster which will resemble Zimbabwe or the Weimar Republic soon.

A loaf of bread in Berlin that cost around 160 Marks at the end of 1922 cost 200,000,000,000 Marks by late 1923.

By November 1923, one US dollar was worth 4,210,500,000,000 German marks

The UK stupidly imports 90% of its food, simply because little or nothing is grown here. Pretty much nothing is manufactured in the UK anymore adding to the malaise, as many British companies have been sold off to foreign buyers in the past.

Soon, inflation and the devaluation of the pound will mean people will be buying a loaf of fucking bread with a wheelbarrow of worthless pound notes.

As the remainers take over the asylum, Britain is now doomed to an inflationary nightmare of exponential, horrific rises. If there were this level of inflation in France, they would be rioting in the streets. It’s a good thing the British are so pliant and take their just punishments without so much as a whimper.

All of this while Britain is sitting on trillions of pounds of gas and oil reserves that no one can get to because the pathetic anti-fracking mob are in charge.

Britain is now the Zimbabwe of G7 nations.

 

Note to Self – Don’t Get Into a Tiny Submarine to Visit Titanic

Abbie Isse
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Note to Self – Don’t Get Into a Tiny Submarine to Visit Titanic

There are a lot of things a billionaire can do — but getting into a tin pot mini submarine tomb and visiting the Titanic 15,000 feet under fucking water should not be one of them.

The billionaire paid $200,000 each for him and his son to dive down into the pitch black freezing muddy depths in a tomb with just a few zip-lock bags as a toilet. With no food, or fresh water, and a very limited supply of oxygen, this type of tourism is totally suicidal.

“Imagine when the air finally runs out. Yowzers. That is some scary ass shit,” one guy who saw the footage quipped.

As of yet, there have been no attempts to rescue the submarine, and the US Navy mini sub can only reach 2,000 feet.

The submarine’s oxygen supply is set to run out on Thursday. R.I.P.

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