Elton John to be Banned

PINNER - England - Drama Queen Sir Elton John will be banned from all media and public appearances as of tomorrow.

Only One Cyclist Finishes Tour de France

PARIS - France - Out of 189 riders and 21 teams who started the Tour de France only one cyclist finished and won the yellow Jersey after everyone else's disqualification for drugs offences.

Disgraceful Paris Hilton £50 Million Inheritance Axed

LOS ANGELES - CA - Barron Hilton, the billionaire grandfather of Paris Hilton, has finally axed Paris Hilton inheritance after being appalled at her vile antics.

Dow Jones Head Rubbing Lice Epidemic

NEW YORK - Wall Street was inundated by a mass of traders rubbing their heads yesterday because of a lice infestation. Fumigators were called in before the closing bell to the relief of floor managers and traders.