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Global Mental Wellbeing Index: UK Second-Most Miserable Nation

LONDON - England - The Global Mental Wellbeing Index shows the UK is the second-most miserable nation in the world.

Hi, I’m Dr Gonzo and I’m here to conduct a psychiatric analysis on why the UK is a miserable fuck-hole where the residents have come up as the second-most miserable inhabitants of a nation in the world Mental Wellbeing Index for 2024. What ever happened to David Cameron’s much-touted ‘happiness index’, or that levelling up, bollocks?

As I sit here in my dimly lit office, surrounded by the stench of stale coffee and the incessant buzz of fluorescent lights, I can’t help but ponder the state of mental wellbeing in this godforsaken nation we call the United Kingdom. It’s official, my fellow Britons, we’ve earned ourselves the illustrious title of the second-most miserable nation in the world. Congratulations are in order, I suppose, although I can’t say I’m particularly thrilled about it as I snort another line off my cluttered desk full of certain paraphernalia.

According to the latest Mental State of the World report from the US non-profit Sapien Labs, we’re more down in the dumps than Skippy with a XXXX hangover in the Australian outback. Yes, that’s right, we’re even out-miserabling Moldova. Who would’ve thought?

The 4th Annual Mental State of the World Report, a global study which looks at trends and insights in the mental wellbeing of 419,175 Internet-enabled participants across 71 countries. The key trend from this year’s data is that the dramatic decline in mental wellbeing that occurred between 2019 and 2020, and continued into 2021 through the COVID-19 pandemic, continues to persist with no sign of recovery.

Now, measuring mental wellbeing is about as precise as trying to hit a moving target while riding a unicycle on a tightrope, but hey, these researchers have given it their best shot. And what do they find? Despite living through what feels like a never-ending episode of EastEnders, the Yemenis are apparently coping better than us Brits. Talk about a kick in the knackers.

But why, oh why, are we in such a sorry state? Is it Brexit? Putin? The wokerati? Covid? The Tories? Labour? Potholes? Mass immigration? Inflation? Boris Johnson’s hair? Take your pick, my friends, because the possibilities are as endless as the long and winding miserable queue at a bus stop in the pouring freezing rain.

Of course, we can’t discount the role of modern technology in our collective descent into madness. According to Sapien Labs, there’s a direct correlation between poor mental wellbeing and the incessant glow of smartphone screens. Ah, the wonders of the digital age. Who needs serotonin when you’ve got social media likes? Funnily enough, the equally insane Daily Squib editor recently made a podcast about the very subject of social media and smartphones. You can watch it here right now if you are insane enough.

As a psychiatrist, I’m supposed to have all the answers. But let me tell you, my dear readers, I’m just as baffled as the next bloke. Perhaps it’s time we took a leaf out of Yemen’s book and unplugged from the matrix, traded our smartphones for scones, and embraced the simple joys of life.

But who am I to preach? I’m just a drugged-up shrink with a penchant for Gonzo journalism and a growing sense of existential dread. So, as I bid you adieu and retreat back into the depths of my caffeine-fuelled delirium, remember this: in a world gone mad, sometimes the only sane response is to embrace the madness.

Until next time, stay weird, my friends. And for the love of all things holy, put down your damn smartphones.

This is Dr Gonzo, signing off.

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