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Clegg Angry at Obama Cameron Relationship

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“Cammo’s got that look in his eye, the same one he was giving me when we won the election against Brown,” a dejected Nick Clegg told the BBC.

The Deputy PM has been acting increasingly erratic after the pictures of the two leaders clearly getting cozy together in front of their wives were relayed all across the world’s media.

“It’s sickening, truly sickening, after all I’ve done for David, there he is with his nose and god knows what else so firmly stuck in Obama’s arse, I’m surprised he can still walk,” the angry Deputy, Nick Clegg said from his Constituency office.

Foreign Minister, William Hague, said: “I’ve been through this stuff before. Ffion was very understanding as I am sure Cameron and Obama’s wives will be.”

Reading the Daily Mail Can give You Eyeball Cancer

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Britain’s premier Cancer Institute has attributed the increase to rising rates of masochists and Middle England housewives who punish themselves every day by reading the Daily Mail either on paper or the internet and are especially susceptible to contracting high-risk strains of the eyeball transmitted cancer.

“Every time you read a Daily Mail article or look at a headline, even for a few seconds, you are permanently damaging your eyeballs and your thought processes are diminished to that of a bowl of jelly,” one of the experts in the study told the Daily Mail.

Up to eight in 10 Britons who read the Daily Mail have symptoms of severe eyeball cancer and have to receive radiotherapy on their eyeballs.

Just a few newspapers cause problems, but one in particular, the Daily Mail, is known to cause cell changes which could develop into eyeball cancer.

“It’s not just your eyeballs that contract cancer when you read the Daily Mail, it’s your brain that slowly rots away and you get the fear. Reading the Daily Mail results in Cruel World Syndrome where everything and everyone around you is perceived as dangerous and evil,” the expert added.

There is hope though, if you feel the excruciating need to even glance at a Daily Mail headline, as long as you avert your eyes and look at something else before twenty seconds passes, you will be fine.

“Luckily I was saved, I didn’t have to have my eyeballs removed after seeing the Daily Mail in a news stand last week. Because I immediately averted my eyes and instead looked at an elderly homeless man defecating in a bus stop. Anything to avert eyeball cancer brought on by the Daily Mail,” a relieved London commuter revealed on Friday.

Traumatised Woman: "TSA Agent Made Me Smell His Finger"

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The unnamed TSA agent taunted the woman about where he had stuck his fingers during his eight hour shift and forcibly wafted his stinky finger under her nose.

“I was a witness to the incident and am as traumatised as that poor woman. It must’ve stunk bad because she recoiled back and started retching like she was going to barf,” a shocked witness at the airport check zone told reporters.

Another outraged passenger said: “Not only do these animals violate your Fourth Amendment rights but they’re spreading all sorts of diseases and bugs around by touching multiple crotches and butt cracks without changing their gloves. I seen some of them don’t even wear gloves, and yet they put their hands down people’s pants.”

The woman who had her nostrils violated by the TSA agent was told afterwards that there was nothing she could do about it, and she was told to get on her flight to Fort Lauderdale and “shut the f*ck up with the whining already”.

The case is ongoing.

Obama Grooming Cameron For Iran War

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“I don’t like the English as much as any other American, but we got to get chummy with them for another war that we have to do with Israel. I’m doing this because Bibi said I had to, and when the time comes, we’ll pull out of Afghanistan and Iraq and concentrate on the meat and potatoes of the pie, or something like that. Y’all know we got our wives out here so the cameras check them out while we do the dirty deals in the back room finalising the attack on Iran. The Brits fucked with my Grandpa, and they spilled all that oil and shit over our waters, but we need them now as much as they need us for shitty sitcoms and junk food,” Mr Obama told an applauding audience in the White House’s East Room.

The special relationship between Britain and America has had many ups and downs in the last decade, and it reached its low-point under the tenure of Gordon Brown, who was publicly fobbed off by Obama and made to look like an idiot in front of the whole world. It seems that David Cameron is getting a much better reception and he even has his wife on tow this time upping the tempo.

“Don’t forget Obongo’s up for re-election and he has to be seen to be doing something high profile. It’s not just spend, spend and golf, this time it’s spend, spend and talk some foreign policy with some English dude,” political commentator, Carmine Phucker, told the Capitol Hill Observer newspaper.

Confused Police Arrest Rebekah Brooks Again

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“It’s really confusing. One minute our superiors are saying she’s the best thing since stable hay and giving her horses, and the next they’re telling us to arrest her.” Special Constable, Peter Plodder, told the BBC from Marbella, Spain.

The Metropolitan police have been implicated in the News of the World and Sun newspaper bribery and corruption scandals for taking thousands of pounds in payments for information about celebrities and politicians.

Many officers are now very sad that their little perks, paid for by the Sun and the NoTW have been curtailed, but with the sadness also comes fear for many police, because what if she spills the beans on more corruption?

“She’ll be singing like a canary to save her own skin, half the force could get implicated. I hope all those expensive foreign holidays and games room extensions were worth it,” another copper, who wished to remain anonymous revealed.

There is still a chance that Mrs Brooks could be freed early if she pays up more cash to the police either in a brown paper bag or through a bail payment via a lawyer.

Either way, she will be riding her horse off into the sunset soon enough.

Prince Harry Banned From Drinking Alcohol During Apache Flights

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Top brass told the partying Royal, 27, to curb his in-flight Glenfiddich addiction on the Apache pilot course — or risk being dropped from his dream of being let loose with a fully armed attack helicopter for a mass shooting spree in Afghanistan.

A source said: “He’s been told in no uncertain terms to tone down the whisky binges while he flies the Apache.”

“It is extremely entertaining watching Prince Harry fly in circles, sometimes whooshing up at high speed, zig zagging, then dipping down close to the ground terrifying his co-pilots. I think this year alone he has gone through fifteen co-pilots,” the source revealed.

Captain Wales even tried to ask MoD officers whether he could take his own butler on the flights during training in California last year.

“The Prince wanted to know if his trusty butler, Hargreaves, could come on the Apache flights but was refused by the top flight instructors. The Prince likes to be given canapes, whisky on the rocks and a good cigar whilst flying but there was not enough room for the butler because of the co-pilot,” Senior instructor, Dougie Whitehead, told the Telegraph.

The partying prince will instead have to fly the Apaches sober, which could be a very sobering thought for the young prince if he wants to ensure he can fly the deadly attack helicopters on the front line in Helmand.

As an Apache pilot he will be deployed for up to three months, operating out of Camp Bastion in the Afghan desert.

New Pete Doherty Fashion Collection Huge Hit

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Pete Doherty is branching out into fashion and his collaboration with Parisian designer François Demerde, has caused delight amongst fashionistas and cool people.

“Working with Pete Doherty is a great misadventure. Every creation is soaked in urine, faeces and we even meticulously squirt HIV positive blood onto the clothes from an infected hypodermic needle used by Doherty himself. The clothes are stitched, then ripped up, then left to ferment for months in an alleyway somewhere in Bethnal Green. He is a passionate and creative piss artist, but creativity can also sometimes lead to complications. This is why it takes so long to create the Doherty inspired clothes. We want these fabulous creations to be authentic samples of Doherty’s life, his loves, and his pukes. C’est magnifique, n’est pas?” said Monsieur Demerde, when Doherty was sent to prison last week.

The range, which caters to both men and women, is inspired by the second hand shops and soup kitchens of London’s East End, and Doherty’s own hand me downs from tramps. Highlights for men include a beige panama and brown felt hat splattered with urine, blood and freeze dried vomit chunks designed in collaboration with Doherty’s flat mate, Angus Needles, and was recovered from under a smelly bloodstained mouldy mattress in Doherty’s rented London flat.

For women, a blue dress with crusty white marks over the back and a Victorian-style blouse are all adorned with razor blades and heroin spoons – stamping Doherty’s love of drugs across the collection.

And this being Monsieur Demerde after all, who better than model Irene Smacker, Doherty’s on-again, off-again lover to model the women’s line. That is if she is alive by the time the collection is released in a few days time.

“I don’t have the time or inclination to become a fully fledged heroin and crack addict, therefore, when I come back from my accountancy job every day I slip into a Doherty creation and boom, I’m hip and cool. It’s like an instant fix for me,” Giles Hetherington, 34, told Fashion TV.

Peter Doherty’s new collection is due to hit stores on Friday, March 15.

Afghan My Lai Massacre Another Nail in US Coffin

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“It’s just another day winning the hearts and minds of the Afghan people. We win their hearts by shooting them in the chest, and their minds by blowing their brains out all over the walls,” Colonel Deano Massacre, told Stars and Stripes magazine.

The My Lai massacre which took place during the Vietnam war was the cold blooded killing of 504 unarmed Vietnamese women and children by a small group of US soldiers. The recent killing of Afghan civilians numbers only 16 but it has the potential to have as much significance as the My Lai massacre purely because of the level of media coverage in the internet era.

The outcome of the premeditated killing of these Afghan civilians while they were sleeping, however, will probably be another whitewash in the Western mainstream media as well as the apathetic Western public.

“You must remember that Afghans are viewed as sub-human by the Western forces and media as well as the public. You kill a thousand of their women and children and no one even bats an eyelid let alone starts protesting the end of the war. People don’t protest in the West anymore. This is not the era of Vietnam where civil disobedience eventually swayed elements of the US political hierarchy to consider leaving Vietnam, although they were effectively pushed out of Saigon anyway,” political editor, John Mancuso, for the Washington Observer said yesterday.

Unfortunately for the West, they have no understanding of Muslim cultures. They think they can win against a Muslim population with selective military force and psychological warfare, but they are wrong. There is no way any Muslim populated country can ever be defeated unless every man, woman, and child is murdered. The Western forces cannot kill an ideology or the level of ingrained belief in the populations which have adopted Islam. So, unless the West is willing to nuke and kill every single person in every Islamic country, they must forget about trying to occupy or take over these countries.

The only way the West can win over all the Islamic countries they attack, is by adopting Islam themselves, and that is never going to happen, so they have effectively been defeated already.

Morrissey to Play Concert in Falklands

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Speaking from Buenes Aires where the star is feted as a hero, Mr Morrissey said that he was delighted to be playing at the Falkland Islands: “Heaven knows I’m miserable now, I’ve been booked to warble on a cold dank rock somewhere in the South Pacific.”

The series of concerts will include such delights as: Irish Blood, Argie Heart, Buenes Aires Dave, and Galtieri in a Coma.

“We’re sold out on the Falkland Isles, they’ll be coming from miles to hear Morrissey. The penguins absolutely adore him, and we’ve heard that instead of throwing guitar picks into the audience, the band will be throwing sardines,” Morrissey’s accountant, Celia Bet, told Melody Maker magazine.

Gay Moms Serenade Santorum in Election Song

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“It’s a beautiful song where two gay moms praise what Santorum is doing for lesbians and we want to just show our Christian sapphic bean flicker adoration for Rick. You know, a joy buzzer love so he can win the election once he becomes the Republican candidate to take us forward into the promised land,” Gina Lunchmeat, 21, one of the singers in the duo, told Tulsa’s public access TV station, the Badly Wrapped Kebab politics show.

Certainly No Mediocre Wednesday