Reading the Daily Mail Can give You Eyeball Cancer

SCUNTHORPE - England - Eyeball cancer cases caused by reading the Daily Mail newspaper have risen above 650,000 a year for the first time, figures revealed today.

Britain’s premier Cancer Institute has attributed the increase to rising rates of masochists and Middle England housewives who punish themselves every day by reading the Daily Mail either on paper or the internet and are especially susceptible to contracting high-risk strains of the eyeball transmitted cancer.

“Every time you read a Daily Mail article or look at a headline, even for a few seconds, you are permanently damaging your eyeballs and your thought processes are diminished to that of a bowl of jelly,” one of the experts in the study told the Daily Mail.

Up to eight in 10 Britons who read the Daily Mail have symptoms of severe eyeball cancer and have to receive radiotherapy on their eyeballs.

Just a few newspapers cause problems, but one in particular, the Daily Mail, is known to cause cell changes which could develop into eyeball cancer.

“It’s not just your eyeballs that contract cancer when you read the Daily Mail, it’s your brain that slowly rots away and you get the fear. Reading the Daily Mail results in Cruel World Syndrome where everything and everyone around you is perceived as dangerous and evil,” the expert added.

There is hope though, if you feel the excruciating need to even glance at a Daily Mail headline, as long as you avert your eyes and look at something else before twenty seconds passes, you will be fine.

“Luckily I was saved, I didn’t have to have my eyeballs removed after seeing the Daily Mail in a news stand last week. Because I immediately averted my eyes and instead looked at an elderly homeless man defecating in a bus stop. Anything to avert eyeball cancer brought on by the Daily Mail,” a relieved London commuter revealed on Friday.