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Greece Has Gun to World's Head

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Greece Has Gun to World's Head

“We have a gun to the world economy’s head and we will pull the trigger because we will not pay back a cent of what we owe our creditors. What do we have to lose by a messy default? But you do,” Greek Finance Minister, Evangelos Porkos, told German TV channel ZDF.

Greece on Tuesday threatened to default on payments to any bond investor that does not accept its crazy demands.

“No one pays tax in Greece so how are the creditors going to get the money owed to them? There is no manufacturing industry, and what used to be a lucrative tourist spot under the drachma is now an overpriced euro trap for the few tourists who do accidentally buy a holiday in Greece. In effect, Greece is holding a gun at the head of the world’s fragile economy because they know very well that they have nothing to lose by a messy default, only Spain, France and Italy will be sucked under with them, taking the rest of the eurozone and the world. Who wants to do business with scorpions like that? They lie to get on the table, then they take as much as they can, then they say they’re not going to pay back a centime,” Louis Quatorze, a French politician told the French parliament on Tuesday.

Greece is demanding banks, pension companies, hedge funds and others that hold about $260 billion in Greek bonds to trade them for new notes worth less than half the face value and taking huge cuts with no guarantee of ever being paid back anyway.

The Greeks have nothing to lose by defaulting now because even after twenty years of Austerity they will still owe billions in an unsustainable system and ailing economy.

“If Greece carries out its threat, you can kiss your pension, investments, house price and everything else goodbye, because we’re all going for a world depression just because some hard headed arses said they wouldn’t pay back the money they used up. Just don’t forget to take out a massive short on the euro all the way to the bottom,” John Latrine, an economist working for Credit Suisse told Reuters.

High Earners Told to Just Hand Over the Cash

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High earners were fearing the worst today after Anti-business Secretary Vince Cable told everyone to hand over all their cash or there would be trouble.

“If you’ve got a flat or even a house with a garden, you are considered rich, therefore we want you to hand over your money to the state as soon as possible so we can redistribute your wealth to the poor. If you have a job, that means you’re rolling in it mate, and if you’ve got a successful business, just hand over the dosh you rich bastard. Make it easy on yourselves, no hankie pankie now,” Mr Cable said in a Daily Mirror interview.

Deputy PM Nick Clegg added: “We need more cash, innit. This is a money grab, a bit like legalised mugging. So, hand over your money or we’ll put you in prison you rich fuckers. Oh shit, I’m rich too, ah thank god I’m an MP and exempt.”

Labour’s shadow chancellor, Ed Balls, said he liked to see a good rich soaking session, so he was backing the Lib Dems all the way.

Don’t worry Mr Cable, there are no high earners on the Daily Squib staff, so you can take your anti-business, anti-enterprise demands elsewhere, thank you very much.

Can Google Predict the Future?

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Can Google Predict the Future?

“Wouldn’t you like to wake up in the morning and know what is going to happen that day or the day after that? Well, we’re building the algorithms of all algorithms that will predict your future,” Al Getchu, senior algo programmer for Google told Wired magazine.

Forget about psychics or witch doctors, Google is the future of future prediction and will trump every other search engine in the universe.

“It’s like Google has a tap into space time and are now so predictive that they know what I’m thinking before I even think about it,” a bemused Google user told CBS tech news after Google had already predicted what he would say.

The next step for Google’s powerful search function will be planning their users’ day and predicting any probable outcome out of many different variables.

“You get up in the morning, turn on Google and bam, we know you so well that we’ll tell you what you got to do that day. You don’t have to think about it anymore, it’s done, it’s dusted,” Mr Getchu added.

Catholics Urged to Oppose Curbs on Paedophile Priests

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Catholics Urged to Oppose Curbs on Paedophile Priests

Senior bishops are preparing to draw up a letter to be read at Masses across England and Wales when the Government consultation on plans to restrict the Catholic tradition of priest molestation of young boys gets under way later this month, it is understood.

It would be only the second time in recent history that a joint pastoral letter on behalf of all Catholic bishops in England and Wales has been issued on an issue of political importance  

“This is a direct attack on the institution of the Catholic church and its priests’ practices that have been going on for centuries and have been protected by every successive Pope since the beginning of our institution. We, and our clergy will fight to the bitter end to defend our priests who enjoy fiddling with little children in the name of Jesus Christ our lord. It is our fundamental right as Catholic Christians to be abused as children by these priests, and it is the right of the priests to do the dirty work,” Cardinal Seamus McMahon, told members at the College of Cardinals, the body which elects popes.

 


 

The Catholic church is known all over the world for its penchant for child abuse and the massive cover ups involved going up to the highest levels of the evil organisation.

“We still do not know what happens below the Vatican in the catacombs and secret tunnels. The current black pope, Ratzinger, goes down there for days as they have goats and young children delivered there never to return to the surface. The black masses and rituals they hold are a stark contrast to the fake rituals they perform above ground. Some say there are sacrifices to entities baying for blood, but no one has ever made it out alive,” a Vatican investigator told Italian paper, La Stampa.

“It is quite ironic that the Catholic church officially opposes gay marriage yet 94% of their clergy are homosexual deviants who prey on little children,” John Doherty, 45, a man who was abused as a child by a Catholic priest, who was never brought to justice, told the Dublin Times.

The Next Step For EU is to Get Its Own Army

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The new EU Reich needs its own army badly, they have to leave NATO and create an exclusive EU military.

The EU has instituted a policy of “coordination”– the total alignment of all EU individuals and institutions with EU goals. Culture, the economy, education, and law all has come under EU control. Extensive propaganda has been used to spread the EU’s goals and ideals.

“We will need our own EU uniforms, our own EU helmets and our own EU guns. This is the natural step for the European Union. Integration of all eurozone nations into one military,” Field Marshall, Constantine Rummel, told Euronews.

So, what would the new EU army look like?

The uniforms would be an amalgamation of Italian, French and German military dress, but there are serious considerations in applying the suave military dress of Germany’s greatest military power, the Nazis.

“German uniforms during World War II were suave and immaculately designed creations, as were the efficient weaponry designed by German engineers and scientists of the time. Certainly, we would get Hugo Boss to come up with updated creations this time, but keep the integrity of the Third Reich bringing it into the Fourth Reich,” Sturmführer, Gunther Hauser, told French paper, Le Figaro.

European Union military cohesion will be the ultimate form of solidarity bringing the fasci rods together and strengthening the political union of all EU nations against the threat of Russia. No empire can survive without expansion, and this is why the EU is actively expanding East towards the very borders of its biggest foe — Russia. Eventually, the bear may awaken from its slumber as this EU political/economic expansion is knocking directly on its door step. Knowing Russia, the EU could even be a catalyst for some type of skirmish or war.

“The EU Panzers will be a formidable force on any battlefield, flanking and smashing the enemy without mercy. We want to show the world how great the EU is and that we are not a pushover, we are invincible and will last for thousands of years. The thousand year EU Reich will rise up and show the power of the European stock to the world. Effectively, we are the New World and America, China and Russia have to look to our assimilation of millions of people and bow to our ultimate economic and military power,” EU Foreign Minister, Konrad Adenauer, told the EU Times.

Integration of all EU nations into the European Union must be all encompassing spiritually, militarily, financially and politically.

Republicans: Obama Guaranteed Another Four Years

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Republicans: Obama Guaranteed Another Four Years

“The election was lost months ago when we announced our Republican candidates, a piss poor collection of misfits, degenerates and religious zealots. Those Republican candidates could be up against Charles Manson and still lose,” Ernie Highwater, told a Republican congressional meeting on Saturday.

The rag tag group of Republican electoral candidates headed by Mitt Romney do not have a flying chance against the Mr Clean of politics, Barack Hussein Obama.

“Obama started as the Messiah, he was our own black Jesus. He kinda faltered after that, then he made a huge comeback after the Bin Laden assassination. Obama is good for America, he puts these crazy Republican nutcases like Rush Limbaugh in their place. He has an equilibrium that is fantastic for the nation, and he’s slowly figuring out how to use the economy. It’s hard for socialists to understand how capitalism works, so Obama started poorly and he’s learning the ropes, getting the markets back up, keeping everyone happy, keeping the Jewish lobby reasonably happy by promising attacks on Iran, he’s doing his thang. Obama ain’t black though, uh uh, he’s more white than black. The only chink in his armour I see now is his wife, they better curtail her spending because those multi-million dollar holidays don’t look good close to election time. Hell, she can go on $20 million vacations once her husband is re-elected but for now, they better stick her in a room somewhere with lots of expensive things and tell her to shut the f*ck up about using Air Force Two,” Obama’s senior aide, Jonathan Delaney, told the Washington DC Observer.

Revealed: Government Plans For Politicians to be Privatised

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Revealed: Government Plans For Politicians to be Privatised

Private companies could take responsibility for running the country, debating in parliament and even cheating on expense claim forms under a radical privatisation plan being put forward by two of the largest political parties in the country.

The Labour and Conservative parties have invited bids from numerous companies on behalf of all political parties across England and Wales to take over the delivery of a wide range of policies previously carried out by the parliament.

The contract is the largest on political privatisation so far, with a potential value of £1.5bn over seven years, rising to a possible £3.5bn depending on how many other parties get involved.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, said: “Already through lobbying and backhanders, much of parliament is basically redundant anyway, so having private companies coming in and dictating policy for the rest of the country will not make any difference. The public will not notice anything different, that is apart from all current politicians being made redundant.”

A 26-page “commercial in confidence” contract note has been sent to potential bidders to run all political and constitutional services that “can be legally delegated to the private sector”.

The programme has the potential to become the main vehicle for outsourcing politics in England and Wales. It has been pioneered by  Whitehall pen pushers, Essie Spenceacoun, and Mark Maywurds, who have vowed to increase parliamentary efficiency and reduce costs to the public purse.

The breathtaking list of political activities up for grabs includes free gourmet luncheons, unlimited expense accounts, flipping houses, taxpayer funded household redecoration, high class escorts, free booze and food, managing high-risk insider trading deals, cocaine, backstabbing colleagues, bespoke duck houses, managing foreign business backhanders, picking up brown envelopes from News International employees, as well as more traditional back-office functions, such as managing family member researchers, providing paid advice to businesses, dodging journalist questions, shouting during PMQs, and being violently sick at party conferences after 12-hour booze binges.

Obama Will Still Play Golf During Nuclear War

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Obama Will Still Play Golf During Nuclear War

“If he’s on Air Force One or in the bunker, Mr President will be swinging and hitting those golf balls onto the fairway, because nothing gets in the way of the Prez and a good game of f*cking golf,” Bill Hardy, a senior Obama aide told Newsweek.

The bunker deep underneath the White House is fitted with a quarter size fully equipped golf course and even holds numerous golf buggies. If nuclear Armageddon did ever happen, the President would be ready to tee off in less than fifteen minutes.

“It’s a great way of releasing stress. You know, while everyone up there is getting fried and disintegrated, Barack will wile away the hours, months and even years whacking that ball around a faux grass golf course. We’ve even got specially trained caddies on standby just in case Iran or Russia does attack us,” Mr Hardy added.

Snooki Has Situation On Her Hands

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Snooki Has Situation On Her Hands

Snooki was eating some spaghetti during the show when she started to scream loudly for no apparent reason. Usually that is seen as normal behaviour for her but this time she started to crouch down on a piece of cheap looking furniture and her waters broke over her plate of spaghetti much to the dismay of her fellow house mates and the watching audience.

“Snooki! I thought she was having an orgasm, I never knew my Italian special sauce was that good. Her eyes rolled back in their sockets and she started buckling like that dude in the movie, Alien. She looked like she was straining for a triple size meatball and makin’ those fartin’ noises. We thought, Oh mio Dio, Snooks, are you ok? Bitch was screaming and for a second I saw her fake tan go green coloured. Man it was scary,” one of her housemates, Pauly recalled.

It was only when Snooki released her amniotic fluid over the table soaking the salad, garlic bread and spaghetti that the cameras zoomed into the scene for more detailed shots. The Situation, who was in the dining room at the time, took a piece of soaked garlic bread with amniotic chunks on it, licked his lips then ate it up burping afterwards. There were cheers from the crew as Snooki’s new baby popped its head out of her snook hole and said “Ehhhh!” just like the Fonz.

Studio execs gave Snooki a $40,000 bonus for her live birth show.

“This was reality TV like never before. These Italian guidos want to show everything, how they fuck, how they eat, how they shit, and now how they give birth. This is no shame TV for people who need counselling after watching a friggin episode,” the show’s director Gino Van Tutti told Entertainment Weekly.

Ratings for the Snooki birth show went through the roof and the explicit birth scene is even used in some maternity units as an instructional video on how not to conduct a birth.

Merkel to Star in My Big Fat Greek Debt II

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Merkel to Star in My Big Fat Greek Debt II

Casting directors working on the new project cast the German leader after they saw her performance at a recent Greek wedding where numerous objects, drinks and insults were thrown at the Chancellor.

“She was guest of honour at a Greek wedding and when she walked into the room she was greeted with plates, moussaka, spittle and cheap Greek beer. It was quite the sight. It was not only physical stuff that was thrown at her by the assembled Greek guests and priests, they also threw Greek curses and swear words at the poor Chancellor,” a member of the Troika, who was flanking Frau Merkel at the wedding, told Bild magazine.

Greek director, Papas Papadopoulos, was enamoured by the courageous German leader and immediately signed her up for his new feature film, My Big Fat Greek Debt II.

“It’s about a lovely girl who goes to Greece to get married but has no money so she has to beg in the streets and do special favours for old men to get married. When she eventually does get married, her fiancee runs off with the cash to Germany and leaves her destitute again. She is then sold off to a Turkish pasha for a few euros. You could say it’s a bit of a Greek tragedy,” Mr Papadopoulos said.

Filming for My Big Fat Greek Debt II should commence next year, but there have been drawbacks with funding as many of the cast and crew do not have enough money to even eat, let alone buy cameras and props.

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