Revealed: Government Plans For Politicians to be Privatised

LONDON - England - The House of Commons offers £1.5bn contract under which private firms may write governmental policy and debate issues.

Private companies could take responsibility for running the country, debating in parliament and even cheating on expense claim forms under a radical privatisation plan being put forward by two of the largest political parties in the country.

The Labour and Conservative parties have invited bids from numerous companies on behalf of all political parties across England and Wales to take over the delivery of a wide range of policies previously carried out by the parliament.

The contract is the largest on political privatisation so far, with a potential value of £1.5bn over seven years, rising to a possible £3.5bn depending on how many other parties get involved.

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, said: “Already through lobbying and backhanders, much of parliament is basically redundant anyway, so having private companies coming in and dictating policy for the rest of the country will not make any difference. The public will not notice anything different, that is apart from all current politicians being made redundant.”

A 26-page “commercial in confidence” contract note has been sent to potential bidders to run all political and constitutional services that “can be legally delegated to the private sector”.

The programme has the potential to become the main vehicle for outsourcing politics in England and Wales. It has been pioneered by  Whitehall pen pushers, Essie Spenceacoun, and Mark Maywurds, who have vowed to increase parliamentary efficiency and reduce costs to the public purse.

The breathtaking list of political activities up for grabs includes free gourmet luncheons, unlimited expense accounts, flipping houses, taxpayer funded household redecoration, high class escorts, free booze and food, managing high-risk insider trading deals, cocaine, backstabbing colleagues, bespoke duck houses, managing foreign business backhanders, picking up brown envelopes from News International employees, as well as more traditional back-office functions, such as managing family member researchers, providing paid advice to businesses, dodging journalist questions, shouting during PMQs, and being violently sick at party conferences after 12-hour booze binges.