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Gay U.S. Marines Fancy Taliban Fighters

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The U.S. military top brass is at its wits end with their gay soldiers who are meant to shoot the Taliban, but in fact prefer to ogle pictures of them and blow kisses at them whilst on patrol.

“When Obama said that the military has to accept openly gay soldiers we thought it was progress, that is until the combat started. I tell ’em to shoot, they blow kisses and wink. You try to keep cover while a gay soldier sashays up and down the street trying to get the attention of the local Taliban commander,” Major General, Lance Boyle, told Reuters.

Interestingly enough, many of the Taliban are actually homosexual, so the U.S. military wants to use the gay U.S. marines as bait to flush them out of their caves and shoot them.

“We put PFC little Billy Twinker over there outside a cave with his butt in the air, and the Taliban come from miles away for that. That’s when we shoot them,” Sergeant Bill Staines, told CNN.

American Who Seeks Compensation Payout From Himself Could Be Sued Again

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Gerald Mancuso, 45, a business owner from Queens, is seeking damages from himself for multiple misdemeanours incurred while he was trying to sue himself last November.

The man’s lawyer, Alfredo Berowitz, spoke of the man’s anguish: “I have been speaking to my client and he has been anxious to relieve himself of millions of dollars. Naturally, I was obliged to step into the role as his litigator and relieve my client of his money.”

The case should take three or four years and cost Mr Mancuso $6 million and potentially even more if he successfully wins the case.

Speaking from court yesterday, Mr Mancuso said: “I am going to sue myself and get compensation for the pain I have caused to my person, so help me God.”

Occupy Movement Was Doomed to Fail From Beginning

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As the remnants of the Occupy London tents are cleared by the bailiffs and security men today, was there any hope for the Occupy Movement in the first place?

“The so-called Occupy Movement claimed to represent 99% of the population, however it barely represented 1% of the population. This is why it failed, because there was no sympathy or support from the general public,”  a leading professor from Oxford University has remarked.

In conjunction with any form of popular revolt, the Occupy Movement tried to emulate other revolutionary movements from the past but failed miserably.

“I was astounded to hear from the majority of Occupy protesters that they did not actually know what and why they were protesting. This form of uneducated misdirection is a terrible consequence of years of dumbing down in our universities and schools where qualifications are given away like sweeties. These people could not think for themselves if they tried, otherwise they would not be in the miserable position they’re in right now. The privileged children are dispossessed? Surely not?” the professor said.

“One must reiterate the point that revolution can only take place when every man, every woman and child stands up and says “No more!” Only then can a true revolution be accomplished, possibly with the help of the armed forces on the side of the people and not against them. V is for Vendetta and the denouement of that film is the only way for progress. If one looks around now, you will see the walking dead, too infatuated by meaningless reality shows, social networking, video games, mortgages, school catchement areas, Daily Mail articles and other trivialities. They have no use for important things like revolution,” the professor added.

Adam Sandler to Star In Every Hollywood Movie For the Next Thirty Years

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Moshe Rabenstein, is the top producer for Fox studios who will broker the Adam Sandler film deal and is set to make a cool $347 million in the process.

“What I, the studios, Mr Sandler’s agent, and Mr Sandler, propose is that he stars in each and every film made for the next thirty years. He already stars in 75% of Hollywood movies so we do not think the dumb audiences will even realise,” Mr Rabenstein told a consortium of directors and studio bosses on Monday.

Mr Sandler was ecstatic about the new film deal and stands to make even more money than he already has.

“I’m going to have to buy my own bank just so that I can put all the frickin’ money I make in it. I’ll let you into a little secret of mine, some days I like to go into my personal bank vault and play with my money, you know, let it trickle through my fingers, toss it around the vault, stick it in my pants, rub it all over my face and butt,” Mr Sandler said from his Pacific Palisades mansion.

Emergency services all around the world were preparing for the Adam Sandler films, because as expected, the suicide rates in multiple countries will increase by as much as 80%.

Think Tank: UK Benefits System Cause of Britain's Ruin

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“The benefits system in the UK is not sustainable and has to be stopped immediately or Britain will lose everything,” Jane Ariana, a senior researcher on the ‘Fiscal Utilitarian Complete Kinetic Educational Directorship’ think tank, told the Daily Telegraph.

Ms Ariana added: “When you have people who are on benefits raking in huge amounts of cash weekly they are effectively being rewarded for idleness, this is utter madness. Benefits prolong the status quo whilst punishing those that actually work in jobs or run businesses. The socialist governments who created the unfair benefits system utlise it to get votes, however, we feel that a short sharp shock to the system needs to be implemented. The welfare state should be there only for the most vulnerable, and not the families shacking up in multi-million pound Chelsea mansions all paid for by the taxpayer.”

The think tank proposes that a complete halt to benefits is implemented immediately, as well as a halt in the National Health Service’s blank cheque to everyone and sundry.

Lowering taxes and increasing enterprise initiatives, as well as putting huge investments into apprenticeships would encourage growth in the economy once again.

“We need to make Britain friendly for companies to employ people, not inhibitive as it is now. The Chancellor, George Osborne, has effectively cut off Britain’s growth with impossible punishing business taxes, inhibitive taxation on all forms of income and further deterrents on business enterprise and success. If one is successful in the UK, they are derided and hated, whereas success in enterprising countries like America, is lauded and encouraged. We need to change the system in the UK. George Osborne has killed the economy just as much as Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling. If Britain wants to go ahead, either Osborne has to go or change tact,” part of the document recommended.

If the benefit plans are implemented by the government, there would be a two tiered approach to the problem of the money-for-nothing culture that has corrupted and defiled Britain’s wealth.

Firstly, all benefits would be stopped immediately, and only those with severe disabilities would be catered for. Secondly, the resulting riots that would naturally occur after the benefits are terminated should be crushed completely and the rioters taken to prison for indefinite terms where they would be made to work for no pay.

“The people who were on benefits will have two options, they can work outside of prison for pay; or they can work in prison for no pay. We need to adopt a sink or swim attitude to the long term benefits recipients,” the report said.

In addition to the internal population having their benefits stopped, the external migratory threat must be erradicated as well, with lax EU laws encouraging poor people from the former Soviet bloc to come to Britain and use up its resources.

“The UK is a tiny island with not much space or resources. If we get half of Romania coming over here selling Big Issue magazines and raking in £70,000 each in benefits, we’re not going to have much left afterwards. I guarantee that if benefits were eradicated completely, they would not come here anymore and pollute our cities and towns. There would not be any impetus for these leeches to even cross the Channel let alone board a Eurostar train. The French can keep them,” Johnson Elohim, another researcher on the project revealed.

Another proposal which could be utilised is the mass sterilisation of those on benefits so they do not breed anymore: “If you want to go on benefits, then we sterilise you. It will ensure that you do not pass on your genes to the next generation.”

Once the benefits system is stopped, a limited NHS can be re-started and after a decade Britain will thus be able to regain its economic health again eventually.

New Sun on Sunday Journalists Seen Arriving at Wapping

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Just as you thought it was all over for Murdoch and his tawdry newspapers with the demise of the News of the World, he comes out with another gem of an idea.

“I was sitting in my jacuzzi while Wendi was under the water cleaning my ahem, when I got an amazing idea. Ding! How about calling my newspaper on Sunday, the Sun on Sunday? I’m such a genius,” Mr Murdoch said from his private jet en route from Tel Aviv to London yesterday.

The new Sun on Sunday will replace the defunct News of the World in more ways than one with completely new staff, offices and even policy.

Chief superintendent editor of the new Sun on Sunday, Ronson Beats, said: “Hello, hello, hello. I have been summarily authorised by said proprietor chief suspect, Sir Rupert Murdoch to assemble a mob of paid off blues and twos to assist in the running of said offices in Wapping for the procurement of news stories about celebrities. Instead of being paid with brown envelopes stuffed full of cash, the new chief has said that our Sun on Sunday officers should thus be authorised to the full extent of journalism to be paid in a legitimate legal manner befitting our positions in society as members of the press service.”

DC Plodder, sub editor of the Sun on Sunday, added: “You may have wondered why there has not been much news as of late from all the Murdoch newspapers since they were rumbled for hacking celebrity phones and paying off policemen. Well, naturally they could not write stories anymore because all the hackers had been taken down, but this will all change from now on as the paid off police force will actually be the ones writing all the juicy goss and dishing the dirt because we’ve got all the listening devices known to man in our police station, ahem, I mean Sun on Sunday.”

How to Win Hearts and Minds the American Way

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“First you burn the Qur’ans, then you leave them lying around so that the Afghans can find them,” General Thomas Petersquash, a four star General with the US army told Stars and Stripes magazine.

One thing is for certain, the American strategy in Afghanistan seems to be working wonders.

“They [the Afghans] discovered the burnt Qur’ans yesterday, and now we have a situation on our hands. Like we’ve had two US marines shot to death this morning and hordes of Afghans spilling over the perimeter walls trying to tear us to pieces with their bare hands. I think they’re trying to show us that they love us,” a senior ranking US official said from his bunker deep in a secret location somewhere in Kabul.

Don’t worry, the $5 trillion worth of valuable mineral deposits lying in Afghanistan are still safe as long as the Americans keep a low profile in their bases and contract the work out to sympathetic money hungry locals.

Was Lord Lucan Adopted By Madonna in Africa?

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Madonna, who has a penchant for a good African adoption, was said to be ecstatic at her new acquisition.

“I have already got a basement room for my darling little Lucan resplendent with bloodstains all over the walls and a rather dead looking mutilated mannequin for him to play with,” Madonna said from her plush Manhattan apartment yesterday.

The pop star has already adopted three African boys, and her aides disclosed that there was a bidding war for Lucan between Angelina Jolie and herself.

“It was a close call. Team Madonna won this one, we clinched the deal in the morning and were having a Hello photo shoot by the afternoon,” Madonna’s personal assistant, Fabio La Ponce, told Entertainment Weekly.

God: "I Can’t Be Sure Richard Dawkins Does Not Exist"

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God told an audience of Oxford students, that he preferred to call himself a believer in Dawkins rather than an unbeliever in the theories of the great Dawkins.

God appeared out of a spark of lightning and sat at the head of the table in dazzling white robes sporting a white flowing beard that looked as if it had been freshly trimmed.

God was taking part in a public “dialogue” at Oxford University at the end of a week which has seen bitter debate about the role of religion in public life in Britain.

The discussion, in Sir Christopher Wren’s Sheldonian Theatre, attracted attention from around the world and the known universe, as well as alternate universes and heaven.

God said that he was “6.9 out of seven” sure of his beliefs.

“I think the probability of a Dawkins existing is very very low,” he added, before disappearing in a flash of thunder to rapturous applause from the assembled students.

Santorum Visits Sanitarium

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As Republican candidates go, you can’t get more boring and clean-cut than Rick Santorum, that is until today, when he visited a sanitarium on his way to Michigan.

Proprietor and keeper of the CC DeVille Sanitarium, Joel Aburdside, said: “This Italian prick turns up, he keeps talkin’ about abortions, Satan and how we’re going to have to cleanse the nation. He kept babbling about the Pope and Jesus and looking around all wild eyed. Well, I thought to myself this guy ain’t all here. Anyone who starts talking to God and Jesus over their shoulder is clinically insane. We need to intern him for some psychiatric evaluations, stick him in the rubber room, dose him up with some chemical lobotomy shit. Well, we did just that folks, there’s the paisan over there, he’s in cell B7 right now talking about hell’s damnation and how he’s gong to win the presidential elections. You can’t get more crazy than that.”

What was meant to be a routine tour stop has turned out to be a nightmare for Mr Santorum, as he has been interned indefinitely in the sanitarium until he is seen fit to be released maybe in ten or twenty years.

The presidential hopeful’s aides and campaign managers were distraught today and running around like headless chickens.

“Poor bastard went in to the sanitarium and he can’t get out now. This is some bad news for the Republicans,” a chuckling Democrat on Capitol Hill told CBS news.