How to Win Hearts and Minds the American Way

BAGRAM - Afghanistan - An American General has written an in depth analysis about the US campaign to win the hearts and mind of Afghans.

“First you burn the Qur’ans, then you leave them lying around so that the Afghans can find them,” General Thomas Petersquash, a four star General with the US army told Stars and Stripes magazine.

One thing is for certain, the American strategy in Afghanistan seems to be working wonders.

“They [the Afghans] discovered the burnt Qur’ans yesterday, and now we have a situation on our hands. Like we’ve had two US marines shot to death this morning and hordes of Afghans spilling over the perimeter walls trying to tear us to pieces with their bare hands. I think they’re trying to show us that they love us,” a senior ranking US official said from his bunker deep in a secret location somewhere in Kabul.

Don’t worry, the $5 trillion worth of valuable mineral deposits lying in Afghanistan are still safe as long as the Americans keep a low profile in their bases and contract the work out to sympathetic money hungry locals.