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Dick Cheney Gets Human Heart Transplant

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The 71-year-old Republican, who was best known for his torture tactics during the George W. Bush administration’s War of Perpetual Terror, was in the intensive care unit at Inova Fairfax Hospital in Falls Church, Virginia.

Cheney, who never had a human heart before, but instead had a blackened charcoal type object in his chest, has now received a human heart from an anonymous donor.

“The heart was ripped out from a live donor who had been detained and tortured in the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq. Dick wanted the freshest possible human heart,” Cheney’s spokeswoman, Tara Torcher, said.

During Cheney’s eight years as vice president from 2001 to 2009, he was responsible for the deaths and torture of millions of people around the world.

Cheney was a strong advocate for the 2003 invasion of Iraq and was among the most outspoken of Bush administration officials warning of the danger from Iraq’s suspected stockpile of weapons of mass destruction. No such weapons were ever found.

Cheney’s doctor, Al Hertyu, said: “We managed to get him a human heart. Cheney is not human, so the human heart will probably be rejected unless we pump his body full of drugs to stop the rejection of tissue. For someone like Dick Cheney, a human heart is an alien object and his antibodies will fight it with all their might.”

Blacks May Be Allowed Into US Gated Communities For Short Visits

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“After the shooting of that black boy for walking within our gated community housing area, we have decided to allow some black people the opportunity to see how white people live in America,” Artie Meisner, a community watch leader for the Sanford gated community told Fox news.

Even though US racial segregation supposedly ended in 1967, the black and white communities in America are probably even more segregated now than even in the past but the US government has plans to allow African Americans some access to gated communities which are mainly populated by white Americans.

“Any area where there is an influx of black people usually results in a phenomenon called White Flight. This is when whites leave in droves leaving nothing. Then the black people move in and that is that. We want to try and introduce black people in Florida into the lives of white people who live in secluded gated communities with armed guards patrolling them. If one of those white folk meets a black person, they might see that he’s a real person and is not a mugger or a thief,” congressman, Al Shipton, told CBS news.

Professor Dean Markfloe, at the University of Southern Florida explained: “It’s called economic segregation. The move from overt segregation towards covert segregation utilising elements of economic technique to separate blacks from the rest of the population. Within American society most blacks are portrayed as stupid, oafish hip hop rapping, low pant slinging, freeloaders, and are actively segregated with their own shows, schools and ghettos.

“If one studies rappers like 50 Cent, you will see how blacks are exploited by white record executives and society in general and how public relation culture creators engineer new fads and youth movements that are followed blindly by millions of impressionable youngsters. 50 Cent may have fifty odd million dollars in his bank but he is still a product of the ghetto and he is still manipulated and milked by white executives and money men. His image like any other rapper or hip hop person is one of ridicule, not only because his culture was given to him by the white man so that he can be ridiculed but because he actually thinks he looks good hunching around his gold laminated cheap looking furniture holding bundles of money in his tasteless crib. These people are no more than uneducated thugs, they may have the money but money cannot buy a modicum of class or intelligence. In America, it doesn’t matter how much money you have if you’re black, you’re still a ni66er, and that is what counts. Until black people reject hip hop and rap culture, they will only be viewed as caricatures and objects of ridicule,” the professor, who is himself African American added.

Indeed, it seems that having a black man walk along an American street wearing a hoodie is invariably viewed as more threatening than a white person doing the same thing. As is the case with Trayvon Martin, he was a victim of the black stereotype which was inflicted on him by his own African American brothers and sisters. They are as much to blame as any white propagandist or popular youth culture creator who exploits black people for profit — because they have accepted and adopted the stereotypes given to them, to become reality.

Oops I can't Sell My £5 Million Property Anymore

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“You may have thought Britain was a safe haven for the rich who splashed out on multi-million pound properties, but now a huge trap has been set by the chancellor which will inhibit all high end property sales in England and Wales to such a level that it will kill off the property market as a whole. Remember that money trickles down, and those who are very rich stimulated property markets with their large purchases. Not anymore, they are now royally screwed with no way out of their property hell,” a Chelsea estate agent told the BBC.

In the last decade there has also been a huge influx of foreign buyers into the luxury housing market who saw Britain as a safe haven from irregular regimes and high taxation. Those people are now trapped with multi-million pound properties and no one to buy them.

“No one in their right mind would buy these properties anymore. Who would pay £1.8 million in stamp duty taxation to buy an overpriced cupboard in Chelsea? You’d have to be clinically insane, either that or f*cking stupid,” another estate agent quipped.

Already many property companies are laying off staff and any rich people who were considering coming to the UK have scratched their plans.

The Chancellor made the new taxation ruling effective from midnight when he announced his budget on Wednesday, so this did not give any time for those who own large properties to sell up.

“We need more money to pay for all the chavs and hoodies, who suck up a third of the UK’s budget in welfare costs. Step up to the plate you rich ar*es, you’re now trapped,” Mr Osborne said in the House of Commons yesterday.

Gordon Brown Loses False Eye During Queen's Jubilee Service

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Former prime minister, Gordon Brown, was in a spot of bother as his glass eye literally popped out of its socket landing right in between Mrs Bercow’s pouting cleavage.

“It was all caught on camera, Gordo was ogling her two little gypsies and dreaming of giving her a pearl necklace, when pop went his glass eye with all the excitement. His wife Sarah was obviously not very happy about it and gave him a black eye when they got back home later in the day,” ITN reporter, David O’Hanrohanrohan said after the service had ended.

Sally Bercow, who is not a shrinking violet, was then seen taking the eyeball from her cleavage, spit shining it, then popping it back in Mr Brown’s socket, all the while loving the attention from everyone including the Queen and assembled royal family.

TSA Implement Sensual Massage Oils into Body Searches

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“We think it could relax passengers and put them at ease before their flight. We can understand that they may feel a little agitated when they are roughly treated by our oaf TSA personnel. But I have to inform you all that all the TSA staff have been retrained and re-branded. We want to have a soft loving image, not the rough unkind one that is portrayed by the media,” Johnson Pistolgrip, head of the TSA, told Fox news.

By having aromatic oils at hand during the search procedure, the invasive searches that take place are less stressful.

“How about a gentle massage with some organic Ylang Ylang and arousing Pimento Berry with a twist of Indonesian Sandalwood oil rubbed gently into your butt crack and balls then some hand relief to ease you on your flight to Chicago’s O’Hare airport?”  TSA agent, Ed Mulroney, asks a 78-year-old wheelchair bound retiree, Jimmy Smitts, before he gets to the departure lounge.

After the dirty deed is done, the TSA agent wipes down and starts on his next client.

Britain's Trees to be Privatised

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David Cameron will clear the way for a multibillion-pound full privatisation of Britain’s trees as he announces plans to allow countries like China to lease trees in the British countryside.

“We’re even considering privatising the grass and maybe the air,” Mr Cameron told a parliamentary committee on privatisation.

Broke Britain

In the PM’s most eye-catching proposal to date, he will announce that the Treasury and Environment Agency are to carry out a feasibility study looking at using private-sector funds to lease out trees and with the money raised, build thousands more car parks over the countryside.

“By privatising all of the trees and grass in the UK, we will thus be able to concrete over them and build more car parks, Tesco superstores and sunbed parlours,Cameron added.

But Cameron, who is fully supported by the chancellor, will make clear that the poor state of Britain’s public trees and grassy knolls means that bold steps must be taken.

Barking mad

If you own a tree in your back garden or you walk through a forest full of trees on public land, you won’t own it anymore because the Chinese or whoever else pays for it will own it. But if the tree is chopped down the government will have the right to concrete over your back garden or the forest and make it into a carpark or social housing.

In a 2010 report scheduled by the NM Rothschild bank, it suggested that privatising all the trees and grass in England and Wales could raise as much as £100bn.

The Coalition government wants to thus go ahead with the mass privatisation of Britain’s trees and grass, and have implemented all of the recommendations in the Rothschild report by next year.

X-Factor Audition Tape Released

The private video shows prospective ‘singer’ and X Factor judge, Tulisa Contostavrosopolos, auditioning to be on the show.

“I guess the truth is out. This is how the X-Factor works. She will certainly go far in the biz because of her expertise in auditioning for the right people,” a showbiz expert revealed to BBC Radio One.

Many X-Factor judges and production staff were furious that a private audition video was made public.

“These are private auditions that these talentless people have to undergo before going on the show as judges to judge other talentless people. It’s not just the females either, people like Gary Barlow and Louis Walsh are seasoned experts in auditioning for studio bosses and music industry people higher than them. I think it is wrong that these videos have been made public and they should be withdrawn from the whole internet,” Angela Monkfrith, a prominent member of the X-Factor production team revealed to Showbiz Today magazine.

Tulisa Constantinopopulos has said that she demands a gagging order on the video which has been splattered all over the internet by her PR people and will not rest until the video is seen by the whole world.

Obama Threatens to Clean Out White House if Loses Election

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“If some Republican wins, well, they may go to an empty cleaned out White House. Hell we’ll even take the light bulbs and the bulbs from the fridge. I want to see their face when they walk into the White House and see it empty,” Mr Obama told a group of reporters after a state luncheon during the British prime minister’s visit.

Obama’s wife Michelle is rather partial to cleaning out US taxpayers with lavish vacations costing millions of dollars as well as hugely expensive shopping sprees and greedy displays of self indulgence.

“Michelle can’t get enough of the White House or any $5,000 a night hotel. She even takes the cutlery and bed sheets. I seen her put a 27 inch flat screen TV in her bag when she was in Spain on one of her multi-million dollar holidays last year,” one of Michelle Obama’s personal assistants revealed to CBS.

A typical Michelle Obama entourage involves over fifty five staff members not including additional hangers-on and friends and family. When she is on holiday the convoy can usually stretch for three quarters of a mile including her secret service detail and support staff, then behind her will be Obama’s convoy.

The Obamas say whatever happens, it’s a lose lose situation for the US taxpayer and they’re perfectly happy to clean out ‘whitey’ after four hundred years of slavery.

“This is owed to us by whitey. They owe us, and they better believe we’re going to get a slice of the cake. Now gibs me some of that dessert baby, we’re going to bankrupt those mofos and take ’em for everything they got off working blacks like mules for four hundred years,” Michelle said with a glint in her eye as she took a priceless painting from the Oval room’s wall and slipped it in a black plastic bag.

Smart Phones Apps Cameras Microchips and Social Network Surveillance

“We used to work very hard to gather information about individuals, now we just look at your apps and all the gadgets you use.  We have so much information voluntarily given up by the public that we don’t know what to do with it all,” David Petraeus, the new CIA head told Spy Weekly magazine.

If one analyses the massive increase in smart phones worldwide, there has been a unified effort by all tech and phone companies to concentrate solely on apps and phones with cameras.

“The cameras are the key to everything. Every phone now has a camera, and these are the eyes  and ears of Intelligence Agencies all over the world. We do not need to actively film anything that occurs out of the norm anymore, we just let the public do it and put it up on a social surveillance site. Furthermore, if the need be we can just tap into any mobile phone in the world and check it out live ourselves. Your Apps are also logging every decision you make, and your phones log every conversation and your geo position. All software has in-built backdoor programmes that allow our agents and companies in the know easy access to all of your logged data,” an NSA software engineer disclosed.

The next step will be internal brain chips and again like smart phones, it will be introduced as entertainment, social networking with only the ‘very cool’ select few being chipped in the brain. Military personnel will be given enhanced microchips in their brains and will utilise augmented reality in conjunction with  their weapon systems. There will also be microchipping applications for people with paralysis and debilitating degenerative brain disorders, the justification being used that putting microchips into the brain can help people.

Once this is introduced to willing adults, the governments will start chipping babies at birth or even in the womb.

Brain chips are already here, and this is what we are getting the population used to. If we took away all your smart phones and internet now you would be very upset. This is the level at which we have trained you via clever propaganda techniques to accept these things and to be addicted to them; and you willingly give us all your information without question. Data-mining companies like Facebook are basically extended arms of the Industrial Military complex. You don’t think for one second that Mark Zuckerburg has any control over that entity, he’s just a puppet, a sideshow for the people to look at,” a technology expert told Wired magazine.

People under the microchip will behave with a hive mentality, not one of the individual and this is the goal of the engineers of social networking and smart phones.

“Imagine doing a Google search with just a thought. Humans will all be connected and will hear whispers and thoughts from everyone. Crime will be punished immediately as bad thoughts will be reported to the Thought Police and Thoughtcrime will be a very real thing. We are already seeing such things now, with people being arrested for writing their thoughts on Twitter or Facebook. There would also be Behaviour Modification chips for people to regulate food intake, thought processes, and advertising beamed straight into the brain,” a professor at MIT told Science Weekly.

Imagine massive increases of memory power and the ability to learn subjects within seconds. Microchipping of humans will also allow humans to experience unrivalled entertainment with programs uploaded directly into their central cortex.

The additional microchipping of all household electronics and white goods, by tech companies like ARM, will also be another major step in governmental surveillance as this will mean that the whole population can be tracked even when they’re not on their smart phones or social surveillance networks.

“The extent of the mass brainwashing by the controllers with regards to ‘social networking’ is so strong that if a person does not have a profile up on a social network, they are treated as a pariah, a weirdo and they are ostracised. Social networks rely on the fickle and encourage narcissism, banality and throwaway friendship. If you annoy me or say something that I do not like, bang, you’re blocked. People are now just commodities in a nothing universe making them worthless. You are not human anymore, you’re just a blip amongst the billions of numbers and zeros. This is the mindset of the future, and the agencies that are running everything with these massive super computers have planned this for decades now,” tech guru, Joel Aynsworth, told New Scientist magazine.

Johnny Depp to Star in a Tim Burton Film

“This is absolutely incredible. I never thought in a million years that I could be in a Tim Burton movie. I had to pinch myself, oh my gosh. Wow!” Mr Depp said from his Hollywood villa.

The feeling was mutual with famed director Tim Burton.

“Johnny Depp. Hmm. I saw him a few weeks ago and I said, jeez, I gotta have him in one of my movies. So I did just that. Quite incredible really,” Mr Burton said at a recent screening.

Cinema goers were equally excited by the Depp/Burton film.

“This is one for the books. It will be exciting to see Depp in a Tim Burton film. We need a change in the Hollywood scene, you know a nice breath of fresh air,” Chingo Passalango, 21, an LA film fan told Fox entertainment news.