“I sustained 40% burns all over my body because I was told to stockpile petrol during the non-fuel strikes,” Jenny Thurdegree, told the Daily Mail.

The woman decided to pour petrol from one jerry can into another and did this while she was cooking a stew for her family in the kitchen.

“I was just pouring the petrol into the can when the fumes were set alight by the naked flame on the stove, naturally my clothes and hair caught fire and I sustained third degree burns all over my body. I blame the government for this,” Mrs Thurdegree said from her hospital bed.

An inquest will be held on Monday into how this terrible tragedy could have ever happened.

“I’d rather eat my arm than eat a cold Cornish Pasty. This Osborne toff has really got my chipolata in a twist. If he was in front of me now, I’d punch him on his bulbous arse nose,” Mr Prescott said from one of his Jaguars.

Lord Prezza is even considering petitioning the government on its ridiculous taxation of hot takeaway food with a strongly worded speech in the House of Lords on Friday.

“It’s costing me a bloomin’ fortune. Breakfast consists of half a dozen doner kebabs, a bucket of chilli sauce, fifteen pasties, served with a block of lard and a piece of f*cking lettuce for my five a day. How about elevenses? That’s the whole bottom and top shelf of Greggs stuffed into my mouth. Then it’s onto lunch, I’ll have a few pork pies, Ginsters, deep fried mars bars washed down with a quart jug of Yorkshire deep brown p*ss water. For High Tea, I’ll have about four greasy piping hot gammon steaks washed in a bucket of Tetley, eight boxes of custard creams and shit loads of crumpets. Dinner means more takeaway food with Chinese, Indian and pizzas slopped in a big vat, then liquified, splattered with more Monosodium glutamate, and shat out my arseh*le at 300 mph into my toilet bowl afterwards. It’s costing me a lot of money though, what with all those taxes. Bloody toffee nosed bourgeois ingrates! Oh, hang on a bit. I can claim it all on expenses, never mind.”

“You may not be able to get to work or a hospital in an emergency, or drive your kids to school and there will be shortages of food at the shops because the delivery drivers will not have enough fuel. Remember, please do not PANIC! Aaaargh! You must stay calm at all times! Aaargh! How are you going to pay the mortgage? Aaargh!” Rodney Bellmarsh, the Coalition’s Fuel Czar, told the BBC yesterday.

Meanwhile, during the fuel strike, Chancellor George Osborne, has suggested that fuel duty should rise to a stonking level of 97% of the fuel price paid at the pumps. Fuel tax is already the highest in the world and makes up 91% of the price of petrol.

“Just think that if they took out the fuel duty we would be paying 26p for our fuel and not the stonking amount we’re paying now. What I want to know is, where does the money go? They are making billions in taxation, and yet we do not see one ounce of the money, either on the roads or off the roads. The Coalition also want us to pay for toll roads now in addition to road tax, fuel duty, insurance and MOTs,” a disgruntled driver said today from a garage forecourt fuel queue in Basildon.

In the UK it currently costs £100 ($160) to fill up a modest car, and as Americans moan about having to fill their tanks for $25, it makes one think that there is something rather unjust about living in Rip-Off Britain.

“The reality of the situation is that everyone has to stop buying petrol for two weeks. This way, all fuel tax money will be stopped to the government and the cash cow motorist will stop being milked to death. Only then, will the message get through. There will be no lesson learned by the greedy, self-serving, arrogant twits who control everything unless people stop buying petrol for a whole two weeks,” another angry motorist explained.

See, there’s no need to PANIC, is there?