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BREAKING: Prince Andrew to Join Foreign Legion

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The French Foreign Legion (Légion étrangère), France’s elite corp of fighting men who are mainly non-French citizens, have a stringent recruitment process that former royal, Andrew may not pass.

Out of all the military outfits, the French Foreign Legion have an esteemed reputation as being one of the most formidable military outfits throughout history. Many join the Legion to get away from their previous lives, some are running from failed romances, some are running from a life of crime, and others just want the supreme challenge of joining the Legion.

To gain the much coveted Kepi Blanc, the recruits will endure 17 weeks of gruelling training where many will be rejected or fall out.

Basic training for the French Foreign Legion is conducted in the 4th Foreign Regiment.

Initial training of 4–6 weeks at The Farm (La Ferme) – introduction to military lifestyle; outdoor and field activities. March (Marche Képi Blanc) – a 50-kilometer (31 mi) two-day march (25 km per day) in full kit, followed by the Kepi Blanc ceremony on the 3rd day. Technical and practical training (alternating with barracks and field training) – three weeks. Mountain training (Chalet at Formiguière in the French Pyrenees) – one week. Technical and practical training (alternating barracks and field training) – three weeks. Examinations and obtaining of the elementary technical certificate (CTE) – one week. March (Raid Marche) – a 120-kilometer (75 mi) final march, which must be completed in three days. Light vehicle driver’s education (driver’s license) – one week. Return to Aubagne before reporting to the assigned operational regiment – one week. Education in the French language (reading, writing and pronunciation) is taught on a daily basis throughout all of basic training.

Prince Andrew, who cannot speak a word of French, will find the linguistic side of training particularly hard. More accustomed to ordering palace staff around for mangoes and opening his curtains, he will also find it especially difficult keeping up with the hard training regime, even though he has been given special dispensation to join despite his age.

Royal commentator, Rupert Fortington-Smythe, was adamant that the former Duke would not receive any special favours or treatment in the Legion.

“He will be treated as any new recruit, and it is highly unlikely the pampered royal will be able to survive the first leg of training, let alone complete the entire session to gain the Kepi Blanc. I have seen seasoned U.S. Marines crack like little girls during the gruelling training, especially at his age. Although there is a cut-off period of 39.5 years of age to join the Legion, it is understood that the former royal will be given a special dispensation.”

Andrew’s aides were consistent with their view that he could easily breeze through basic training at the Foreign Legion, and he would be straightened out by the experience. He will be paid a salary of 80 euros per week. The good thing about the Foreign Legion is that Andrew will be in capable hands, and some barracks even have their own brothels so that legionnaires can release some of their pent-up energy, something the former royal will truly appreciate.

If you wish to join the French Foreign Legion (Légion étrangère) all applications are considered here

The French Foreign Legion accepts recruits from all over the world. The recruitment officially runs 24/7/365 (yes, you can join every day, all year long)

As a candidate/volunteer, you will be enlisted as a single person, even if you are married. The first contract you sign is mandatory for 5 years.

The entire recruiting and selection process takes usually 2 to 4 weeks (the exact period depends on each candidate). The process starts when you pass your passport to a serving legionnaire in a recruiting center or in an information office (see full list below).

The process ends when you are officially accepted or rejected. During the whole period — from passing the passport to a legionnaire until your acceptance or rejection — free accommodation, free food, and free clothing are provided to you by the Legion.

The candidates having passed all the tests are officially accepted or rejected every working Thursday afternoon. As a volunteer, you are allowed to ask to go home every morning during the entire selection process.

 

Help With Your Resolutions

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Even if you never stick to your New Year’s resolution, it’s always a good idea to get off to a healthy start. Some might say that advertising often attempts to sell us things that are not ideal for our bodies (fast food, alcohol, sugary drinks), but here we’ve rounded up some digital campaigns and web films that do…well, the opposite.

Let’s start off with the big one, the mother of all resolutions: quitting smoking. Maybe you gave up long ago. If so, bravo. But some people are still hanging in there, despite all the warnings. So here’s a funny and creative idea that perhaps made them think twice.


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The digital and fitness worlds have long overlapped, with various apps and gadgets that help us measure our performance and give us a boost. This film for Intersport by We Are Pi features dynamic editing to show us the extent to which the brand can accompany us as we work out. Let’s call it the digital resolution.

Is it even possible these days to work out alone? Probably – but since resolutions tend to be fragile creatures, we could all use a personal fitness guru. The film has a light touch that’s welcome in this context.

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Alcohol is up there with smoking as an addiction that’s hard to break. But maybe we just need to be shown how stupid we can be when we overindulge? The client for this well-crafted web film from Buzzman – aimed at Gen Z drinkers – is actually Pernod Ricard. But the payoff at the end suggests a way of waking after a night out with your memories intact.

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As an alternative to alcohol, why not turn to a low-calorie beverage? The following ad has the brief written all over it – “encourage young men to drink Diet Coke” – but it’s as charming, insightful and well-made as you’d expect from Anomaly Los Angeles.

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Here’s a fairly easy resolution to keep: eat more fruit. But some people just don’t know how to unwrap the stuff. Luckily, guidance is available.

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More fruit – and this time with some amusing animation. It can be difficult to find the sport that suits you. The trick is to be healthy in your own way, according to these amiable fellows from Dentsu in Japan.

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Let’s end on an epic note. As you may know, Lululemon is an American-Canadian sportswear brand with its roots in yoga, although it now sells a wide range of athletic and leisure clothing. Even so, there’s a spiritual, meditative feel about this film from Droga5, lavishly directed by Daniel Wolfe. The hero seems determined to punish himself until he wakes up to a new, more open way of embracing the world, with Oscar Wilde’s short story “The Selfish Giant” symbolizing his journey.

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We wish you a beautiful, natural and emotionally rewarding New Year.

Top Generals Have to Constantly Stop Deranged Biden Pressing Nuke Button

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With a brain like Swiss cheese, demented Joe Biden sometimes knows where he is, but most of the time is an incoherent babbling moronic deteriorating fool. According to the U.S. top brass, Biden has to be stopped from trying to press the red nuke button on a constant basis.

“Biden is insane”

Biden appointee, four star General McAdams, is not happy with the current situation as he views Biden a danger to global security.

“Joe wakes me up at 3 or 4 every morning shouting down the phone that we need to nuke some country. Last night, he called me in the morning to tell me we had to nuke Britain because of what they did during the Irish potato famine. I told him that was 300 odd years ago, but he said he wanted every English SOB dead! The previous night, he calls me and said we need to nuke Putin immediately. He even had NORAD on the other line. I asked him why, and he said that Putin was allied with Donald Trump and wanted to take over America. The night before that, he called me and asked to nuke the entire state of Florida, jibber jabbering about getting Trump. Trump does have a place in Florida, but I told Joe that Trump was currently in New York. Immediately, Biden ordered that New York should be nuked as well. I told the White House aides and doctors to sedate Biden with a higher dose immediately.”

Last Thursday, Biden ordered a nuclear attack on the tiny nation of Bhutan simply because he heard its name whilst watching an episode of National Geographic on the Discovery Channel. U.S. Generals convened on the day and agreed to have Biden’s nurse give him an even larger extra dose of drugs to put him back to his normal state of comatose sleep.

On New Year’s Day, Biden ordered another nuclear attack on the UK, this time telling generals that a voice in his head told him that all Brexiteers must be destroyed so that the communist sovietized EU can carry on unhindered by democratic Britain. Everyone knows what happened when G.W. Bush said he heard God’s voice talk him into invading Iraq, so aides had Biden put into his special room in the White House where the walls are padded and nurses can attend to him quickly.

Suffice to say, America’s generals are now so fed up with the situation, they are petitioning that Biden is suspended from ordering constant random nuclear attacks on any nation that comes into his fucked up demented brain.

After hearing about the generals, Biden phoned NORAD on Thursday and requested that every general he appointed should have their homes individually nuked. NORAD commander of operations, Dwight G. Penhurst, immediately ordered an even extra dose of drugs be administered to shut Biden up.

Currently, Biden’s poll ratings are below any known White House imposter in history, with a ‘high score’ of 21% approval rating.

If Harry Wants Police Protection Just Call 999

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Former British royal Harry is demanding police protection when he visits Britain, however just like most ordinary people, he is granted police protection if he phones 999 in an emergency.

“All Harry has to do if he or his family are in a bit of bother is pick up his phone and call the emergency services. By calling the 999 number you are immediately put through to the emergency services hotline where an operator will ask if you require medical, fire or police services. Once through to whatever service is needed, all Harry has to do is tell them where he is located and they will send someone to the location pretty quickly. If it’s a medical issue, an ambulance is usually dispatched within an hour or so, fire is usually faster and police may or may not turn up depending on the severity of the situation. It’s what us citizens have to fucking well deal with, so the former royal can deal with that as well,” one concerned citizen advised.

By using the emergency services as they should be used and not as some jumped up bodyguard service costing taxpayers millions of pounds, the former royal will show some humility, after all, it was his choice to leave the British Royal family in the first place, and one of the caveats of leaving was the loss of private police protection funded by the taxpayer.

“Harry, you’re not royal anymore and neither is your family, so either pay for your own bloody security or call 999. Best option though is don’t bother coming back to Blighty with your screaming sprogs and smirking entitled wife. Do us all a favour and stay in your 16 bathroom gaudy Montecito Mcmansion,” another ordinary citizen opined.

Another citizen of the Kingdom commented: “As for that sycophantic plastic faced uphill gardener spokesperson, Ovid Scooby, with his nose so far up Harry’s arse that it is now considered a permanent brown fixture. Well, he can call 999 as many times as he wants, no one will come for help as he is hated with such vehemence in the UK.”

Chinese Spy in Parliament: “I Wonton Nothing Wong!”

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Chinese Communist Party spy Christine Lee has claimed she has done nothing wrong despite helping fellow communists, the Labour Party, and corrupt socialist Tories for decades in Parliament.

“I have done nothing wrong because I am a communist and so are the Labour Party as well as half of the Tory Party. I would simply get my orders from Beijing and give them to the Labour Party, who would implement the Communist CCP orders into their manifesto. I even paid them 425,000 pounds to bribe officials. Everyone in Labour knew I was a spy anyway, it was not even a secret,” Christine Lee defended herself emphatically.

MI5, Britain’s internal security agency, have known for some time that Christine Lee was a Chinese Spy but have chosen to leave her alone.

“Well, it’s not as if she was subverting anything anyway, we already knew she was a commie spy and was actively working for Britain’s commie Party, the Labour Party. As far as we’re concerned, communism is communism and there is nothing we, as an agency, can do about it. Communism is a part of daily life in Britain when it comes to the Labour Party, although they may call it socialism, but as Lenin said, socialism always leads to communism,” an MI5 source revealed.

It wasn’t just the commies, the Chinese spy was working with. Useful idiots like David Cameron and George Osborne were the Tory socialist Remainer cretins who brought the Chinese spy into the body of influence of parliament in the first place, compromising UK security.

Yes, IDS is right when he says ‘China is a threat… NOT a competitor’.

Meanwhile, in Beijing, the CCP controllers of Christine Lee are all giggling into their Wonton soup.

Exiled Prince Andrew to Go Live With Harry and Meghan in 16 Bathroom California Mansion

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Thrown to the dogs by his own mother, brother and niece, a befuddled Prince Andrew really was lost, until a chink of light broke through the winter darkness.

January, is always a fucker of a month, however for Andrew it has been an absolute motherfucker of a month. His military medals have been taken away, his HRH rescinded, and he is now known as a pariah to everyone in Britain.

On Thursday night, Andrew received a phone call from Montecito, California. Harry and Meghan have already made up a room for Andrew in their 16 bathroom mansion in Montecito.

“They could call it the ‘exile mansion’ or something like that. I am sure the now exiled Prince Andrew was delighted at the offer of sanctuary from the royal family that kicked him out so unceremoniously. The only problem with the plan is the small thing about prison. Andrew will be on American soil, and there will be no long extradition battle if he was still in Blighty. He could always escape to Mexico or somewhere in South America though, you know do an Escobar,” royal commentator, Keith Melons, revealed in the Sun.

Netflix executives have been scrambling at the news and are anticipating a huge ratings bonanza when Andrew turns up at the Montecito mansion, where filming for the Harry and Meghan series will take a new turn.

If all that does not work out, there’s always room in some shack on the Falkland Isles. It’s a place close to the heart of the fallen war hero who flew helicopters for his country, that has now abandoned him.

Gerald Hopkins, 57, a farmer from Goose Green, Falklands, said the wayward prince is always welcome.

“Aye, he’s [Andrew] always welcome here on the Falkland Isles. We don’t have many young fillies here but plenty of sheep. Don’t knock it until you try it, matey.”

Admiral Markets: The Importance of Maintaining a Branding Edge with Users

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Iconic brands like Coca-Cola keep advertising to consumers despite their near-universal name recognition. The idea is to keep the product or service, so fresh in users’ minds that it will be their first thought when they need such services.

Similarly, Admiral Markets has undertaken a rebrand despite having a solid couple of years. Admirals is the new name with a fresh logo to go along with it. Usually, service providers rebrand when things aren’t going too good. This proactive step is a fascinating step and invites proper exploration of what Admirals is all about.

What is Admirals?

The era of digital trading has vastly enhanced the presence of brokerage providers. Admirals have been around for much longer, having made its debut in 2001. It grew steadily into a leading broker operating in dozens of countries. Accordingly, Admirals has a solid reputation with regulatory approval from several counties, including the UK’s Financial

Conduct Authority…

pexels-nataliya-vaitkevich-6120182Automation and trading digitization has vastly improved user capabilities on these platforms. Trading is seamless and convenient from their living rooms. The era of smartphones has unleashed the capabilities of millions of small traders who can now participate in the market meaningfully.

Cryptocurrencies have also added new enthusiasm to brokers like Admirals. These assets have payment efficiency and the variety to maintain trader enthusiasm year-round. Bitcoin and similar assets gradually gain a seat on the high table and ordinary usage with utilities like payment gateways.

Admirals has a competitive edge because it adds robust add-on tools, research, and education to automated trading. The two decades of operation provide an excellent experience for its team in augmenting user experience.

2020 was a fascinating year for the financial industry. The broader economy shrunk because of Coronavirus disruptions. That said, the upheaval in the markets brought greater volatility and more trader activity. Besides, millions began actively trading because they would otherwise be sitting at home doing nothing.

Therefore, Admirals realized remarkable growth in 2020. The 2021 numbers may be along those lines because the years were pretty similar.

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Why the Rebrand?

Admirals recently celebrated its 20th year anniversary. The management team, led by Chairman Sergei Bogatenkov, reiterated that Admirals would retain and enhance its client-oriented approach.

Service providers rebrand for various reasons. Admirals aims to introduce more investor priorities. Accordingly, Admirals will no longer work only as a Contract of Differences (CFD) and Forex broker but also have more ambitious broader goals. The website aesthetics are a pretty direct indicator of the expanded focus.

In this modern era of tech advancements, evolution rather than revolution will be the recurring theme.

Therefore, Admirals will aim to deliver integrated solutions to its users. The solutions apply to managing, investing, and spending assets. Traders want powerful yet simple tools to toggle the different aspects of fast markets. Therefore, the goal is to create a one-stop shop that can achieve this utility purpose for users.

Admirals will be helpful to several types of users. It can even serve as a personal finance management tool when not trading. The array of products is necessary for tech-savvy users in this third decade of the 21st century.

Fintech is a collective term for financial technology applications that are transforming modern finance. Admirals is launching into this mix and hopes to leverage its brand and competitive solutions to stand out from the rest. The existing presence in dozens of countries provides room for disrupting the Fintech industry globally.

Rebranding does not signify a complete departure from previous services. Rather, it indicates an expanded focus beyond just trading.

Admirals intend to add several asset groups to accommodate the interests of a diverse range of users.

Adapting For Continuity

Admirals is moving with the times. The rebranding indicates an expanded focus on client care. Specific aspects like the introduction of assets and functionality upgrades contribute to the overall experience. Users have an integrated tool to manage their accounts and participate in the market. It will be fascinating to track how the broader Fintech market evolves in the next few years.

Man Who Received Pig Heart Transplant Suddenly Starts Exhibiting Pig Like Mannerisms

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Peter Porque, 59, is doing well three days after the experimental seven-hour procedure in Baltimore, doctors say.

The gruelling operation was deemed a success, however doctors have noticed a few side effects of the procedure that they are studying eagerly.

“When he woke up, the first thing he said was ‘oink!’ and then he started sniffing the nurse’s arm pit,” Dr Jake Bacon, revealed to local news outlets.

Doctors at the University of Maryland Medical Center were granted a special dispensation by the US medical regulator to carry out the procedure, on the basis that Mr Porque – who has terminal heart disease – would otherwise have died.

The fascinating medical episode will certainly go down in history, especially as Mr Porque was served the usual hospital slop for lunch.

“He ate that slop up like it was the tastiest gourmet meal in the world. He was not hamming it up either, it all seemed very genuine. Most people barely get past the potatoes. He then asked for his next meal to be served in a bucket,” one of the nurse’s attending revealed.

Doctors studying their subject have also found that Mr Porque no longer walks upright but scoots around the floor on all fours oinking, farting and sniffing everything in sight.

The positive factor to take away from this story is that Mr Porque will live a long and healthy life, just as long as he does not get kidnapped by a farmer or something like that.

How To Trade Bitcoin in 5 Simple Steps – A Beginner’s Guide.

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Today, to trade Bitcoin is not as hard or inaccessible as it was in the past. Where are the best places to buy and sell Bitcoin? What is Bitcoin? Why Bitcoin is the future of crypto? Where will the price of Bitcoin go in the year 2022? How you can profit from Bitcoin rises and falls by trading.

What is Bitcoin?

bitcoin-2028512_1280Bitcoin is a digital currency. But instead of coins, it is the unique cybercurrency that is mined by millions of computers that run complex algorithms.

The algorithms are then run by miners, or individuals or businesses that run special programs to solve increasingly more complex mathematical problems. The more complicated the maths is, the higher the Bitcoin reward is.

The computers that work to solve these problems are all over the world, and there are many that run special programs, so it is unlikely that one country will dominate Bitcoin’s mining.

Bitcoin is a decentralized digital currency that enables peer-to-peer online payments without a central authority. The payments are powered by a peer-to-peer network, and are accepted as payment for goods and services.

Bitcoin uses a public ledger system in which Bitcoin ‘miners’ use complex algorithms to solve mathematical problems, and thereby receive newly created Bitcoin as a reward.

How Much is Bitcoin Currently Worth?

Bitcoin is now worth $43,000, and has dropped from its all-time high of $67,000 in 2021. Speculators are talking of the price reaching over $120,000 by the end of 2022, however as always this might or might not happen. As the price of Bitcoin is relatively low now, maybe this is a good time to acquire some Bitcoin, especially before it rises to unattainable levels.

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What Is Bitcoin Trading?

Crypto trading is not for the faint-hearted simply because of the volatility involved, however with a little education and practice, you can make some serious profits. As much as the price can spike up, it can suddenly spike down and, depending on your position, cause you to lose money. If you are leveraged at 500:1 you can make vast profits, however you have to always safeguard a prospective losing position with a stop loss.

In order to buy or sell Bitcoin, you need a broker. They are the middlemen between you and your Bitcoin. The brokers allow you to enter in your payment information and to set up an order to buy or sell Bitcoin.

5 Easy Steps to Bitcoin Trading Success

  1. First set up an account with a trusted broker like Bitcoin Prime.
  2. Fill in the necessary information to start trading.
  3. Fund your account depending on the deposit amounts required to trade.
  4. Learn and explore the trading platform. The more you know, the better you will trade.
  5. Always trade with a strategy and never with ‘scared money’. Always only trade with approximately 1-10% of your deposit.

Crypto Trading Strategies

stock-market-6287711_640You don’t just trade any blip on the charts, you have to have patience, discipline and most importantly a strategy. Consistent traders who win, take out the emotion of trading and only utilise technique. One must also remember that the market is fluid, it can change at any moment due to news or other correlated market movements.

Educate yourself on price action, as well as Japanese candlesticks, resistance and support levels. You must be able to see if a chart is in an upward trend, downward trend or going sideways, utilising long-term charts then moving to shorter timeframes.

Over time, indicators can be useful, and you must choose the ones that work for you specifically. Overloading your chart with indicators is counterproductive, all you need is a few, maybe a moving average, RSI (Relative Strength Index) or MACD (Moving average convergence divergence). Always pay attention to the volume data as well as rising volume usually signals a big move forthcoming.

First try out your strategies on a practice account before putting real money down, and once you are making consistent profits, think about putting real money trades down. What you will generally find is that real money trades psychologically are way more potent than trading on a practice account. Timing is definitely key, and this is where patience comes in to the equation. Rushing in to a trade without a strategy or plan is tantamount to gambling.

Who Should Consider Bitcoin Investing?

Although Bitcoin is touted as the cryptocurrency of the future and should be considered alongside other cryptocurrencies like Ethereum, Bitcoin is used more and more for day to day purchases. The launch of Amazon gift cards accepted by Bitcoin could prove to be a watershed moment in its history. You can now buy crypto like Bitcoin on PayPal making it even more accessible to everyone.

The future of cryptocurrency is undeniably bright. That said, Bitcoin and other Cryptocurrencies are the future and for better or worse, it is here to stay. Even as most governments struggle to regulate them, this is one of the only true, free market cryptocurrencies on the planet, which makes it incredibly attractive to certain people.

Beyond Satire VII

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Once again, we find ourselves within the realm of news stories deemed as Beyond Satire. Please scroll further down to see the latest curated episode.

Moment furious horse riders say they were left ‘terrified’ after van driver beeped at them as he drove by on narrow country lane

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This Beyond Satire article was actually presented as a valid news article on the Daily Mail. How desperate for stories can any news organisation be to post such mundane, useless dreck as this one? It’s almost akin to writing a headline about an old granny dropping her keys before opening the front door. Unfortunately, this is the level of news worthiness that is available these days, which undermines journalism to the point of ludicrous ridicule.

A horse rider has accused a driver of beeping his horn when he saw them riding on a narrow country lane.

Katherine Cooksley, 27, was out on her horse Garnet, who is eight years old, with her riding partner Leigh Morris who was riding 18-year-old horse Rohan.

The driver was called a ‘fucking idiot’ as he drove past after beeping his horn at them outside Reading on Saturday afternoon.

 

Influencer Who Sold Her Farts For $50,000 Per Week Retires After Heart Attack Scare

Cute Woman Farting With Blank Balloon Out From Her Bottom VectorFirst of all, who are the sick fucks paying for this woman’s farts? Secondly, this is so Beyond Satire, it positively stinks! Stephanie Matto, 31, blew away people on social media when she recently announced that she makes more than $50,000 a week selling her farts.

But after making $200,000 in sales, the influencer has announced her retirement when she passed one too many and got the wind knocked out of her, Jam Press reported.

Matto was rushed to a hospital with chest pains she feared were symptoms of a heart attack, according to the outlet.

After undergoing a battery of tests, including blood work and an EKG, Matto was told that her pain was the result of her steady diet of gas-inducing beans and eggs.

 

Best Country for Expats: Taiwan

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Chinese PLA troops preparing to attack

According to this poll reported by the Express, Taiwan is the best country for British expats to live. What they do not mention at all in the article is how the tiny island of Taiwan is overshadowed by China, who have set their sites on invading very soon. Quality of life may be pretty good on the overcrowded island of Taiwan, but when the Chinese army comes blustering through your golf course shooting everyone in sight, you will curse yourself for ever reading and believing this misleading article.

 

Ivy League Swim Meet Has Surprises: Penn Swimmer Transitioning to a Girl Gets Beat by Yale Swimmer Transitioning to a Guy

pregnant manEveryone is forced these days to support trans people and issues, however a university swimming competition seems to have delved into the world of satire beyondness with their overzealous inclusive progressivity. Let’s get this right, er…a male swimmer transitioning to be a girl was beaten during the swimming competition by a female swimmer transitioning to be a man.

Transgender University of Pennsylvania swimmer Lia Thomas was crushed twice in a women’s swim meet by another transgender competitor who is transitioning from female to male – first in the 100-yard freestyle, where she placed fifth, and then again in the 400-yard freestyle relay.

 

We leave this episode of Beyond Satire with a truly harrowing Christmas tale that exemplifies the times we are living in right now. Poor Santa…

Be sure to check out more Beyond Satire episodes here