Unfortunately for the audience and rest of the world it was only an illusion.
The ex-heiress, Paris Hilton, who has had her £50 million inheritance retracted, volunteered to be sawn in two at the Mirage hotel by illusionists Jeff Beacher and Nathan Burton.
After the illusion took place, a midget came on stage and escorted Ms. Paris Hilton back to her seat.
Paris and her new boyfriend, Benji Madden, who are expecting their first child in a few months, then left the show.
Simon Scowell, who is making another 100 million pounds from his latest ‘talent’ show ‘Britain’s Got Stabbing’, has chosen this year’s winning teenage knife crew for Britain. Also sitting on the panel is the disgraced ex-newspaper editor Piers Moron.
Over the past six weeks they have whittled down the finalists from 400,000 hopefuls and after coming this far the finalists truly deserve their accolade.
The stage is set and the raw flesh on show is truly astounding.
‘Britain’s Got Stabbing’ gets off to a spectacular start when three people are savagely stabbed in the audience. The blood trickles down the studio steps and even reaches the stage where the main stabbing display takes place.
Up first for the final night are the Bracknell crew who are a very talented bunch of twelve year olds.
They show their prowess by completing an egg and knife race in under three minutes, the finale of their presentation culminates in taking out an old lady’s kidney with the precision of a trained surgeon whilst calling her a ‘slag’. Their tools of choice are sharpened kitchen knives borrowed from their homes.
Second place goes to the Leeds crew who can drink Aldi Wine by the gallon and gut unsuspecting pedestrians by the bus load.
They manage to drink 25 cartons of cheap wine each and still are able to stab with precision. One of the crew, Lee Feral, 14, plunges a 7 inch blade into a camera man’s back and removes his liver. The Leeds crew then throw the still spitting liver into the jubilant audience as Simon and Piers applaud fiercely.
Their wondrous presentation ends with the camera man’s bloodied twitching torso projectile vomiting over the audience as he slumps to the floor dead as a dodo.
The audience laps it all up and cheers them off stage to rapturous applause.
It’s the Enfield Massive, and they know their stuff. They show off their sparkling new Argos kitchen knives, which of course are made in China and are as blunt as a rusty old bread knife.
The bluntness of the blades are demonstrated on one of the shows researchers when he is set upon by the whole Enfield crew and slowly gutted in 8 minutes 34 seconds. His entrails are then thrown on the floor where the Blue Peter dog from the adjoining studio laps them up hungrily.
Simon Scowell applauds furiously at the sight because not only have the Enfield Massive carved the poor researcher up but he is still alive – such is the precise knife-work of the crew even with a blunt instrument.
Kevin, 13 and Lee, 15, spot another opportunity to show off their superior carving equipment by embedding the knives deep in Piers Moron’s back. This wonderful act brings the house down in frenzied applause replete with standing ovations and severed limbs being thrown in celebration onto the stage as a show of approval.
This genius denouement is applauded by all and Simon Scowell gives it a full thumbs up. Piers Moron is also applauding wildly and still attempts to flash his smarmy fake smile despite having six large kitchen knives embedded deep in his back, the blood gushing out of him arcs up like a curious fountain of claret and sprays members of the audience much to their delight.
The Enfield crew win the £100,000 and have now been granted the additional accolade of
performing in front of the Queen at Buckingham Palace.
Britain sure has a lot of talented stabbing teens this year and The Daily Squib is very proud to be part of this great nation’s talent pool – of blood.
After winning the much-coveted nomination for the Democrat party, Barack Obama has extended an olive branch to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton by offering her the position of White House intern once he gets into the White House.
Political analyst, Alma Spunkmeyer writing in the Washington Daily Chronicle thinks that Mrs Clinton will be “disappointed at not getting the Vice President job”, but will be glad to be back in the White House anyway.
Throughout the last four months there has been much back-biting and bad blood between the two candidates but this gesture from Obama is seen to be the catalyst that will heal the wounds that have been inflicted during the primaries.
“You never know, she may even be able to pay off some of the money she owes. Interns do not really get a salary but she can always do favours for White House staff and maybe earn some pocket money. I’m not sure though if she will be able to claw back the $30 million campaign debt though,” a senior White House staffer was quoted as saying on the Drudge Report.
Hillary will be required to attend special meetings at the White House but will not be allowed to wear a blue dress. She will also be responsible for keeping the White House cigars fresh and in good supply for staffers.
Not content with the thousands of taxes heaped on the British proletariat and bourgeois classes, Comrade Gordon Brown, our supreme unelected commander in chief and people’s champion, has announced a new tax — this time on sleeping citizens.
“Our great state needs more taxation and we thought about this long and hard. What do citizens do at night? Yes, they sleep. Therefore, we can make our citizens work for the state better by making them pay for their sleep,” a jubilant official at the state tax office announced on Tuesday.
Comrade Brown who does not sleep at all and therefore is exempt from ‘Sleep Tax’ announced at the Westminster Duma yesterday his wonderful proposals to tax sleeping citizens and how the new tax will be enforced:
“The new stealth tax I have proposed for everyone in the United Soviet State of Britain will put every citizen to good use when they are at their most lazy. We cannot have these citizens sleeping and not paying for the hard-working Labour government. We do not like lazy comrades or citizens of the one-party state who do not pay for their way. Therefore, comrades and workers, I shall put into place immediately a sleep tax where every person will be charged for the hours they sleep. In due course we will also tax your pets and any other animals you may own as well, goldfish are not exempt either. I have appointed a new Sleep Tax Tsar – Commissar for Sleep Tax, Ed Balls.” (Continuous cries from the duma: “Long live great Brown, Hurrah!” “Hurrah for Comrade Brown, the creator of the Soviet Constitution, the most democratic in the world!” “Long live Comrade Brown, leader of the oppressed throughout the world, Hurrah!” )
Sleep Tax Enforcement
The new Eyelid Stealth Tax Directive will be implemented next month and all citizens will have to have eyelid sensors surgically installed. There will be a small charge of £450 per citizen for the costs. Sleep Taxation will commence the following day after the eyelid surgery.
Sleep Tax will be charged at £13 per hour for citizens over the age of 15. There will be a generous Sleep Tax discount for children and they will only be charged £12.50 per hour.
 |
| Sleep tight comrades, pleasant dreams.. |
Citizens should be pleased to know that the new Sleep Tax will help the state pay for more useless policies and budget blackholes replete with unnecessary bureaucracy, cronyism and waste.
The Soviet State of Britain under Comrade Brown will also reward citizens next month with an additional 2 pence hike on fuel tax . For every £1 spent on the pumps 75 pence will now go to the state. Stasi Councils will also be increasing their council snooping taxes as well as tax on workers’ income and National Insurance. Tax on goods will also increase and eco-taxes will be increasing as well. A new motor tax will also be introduced so that motorists can help the environment by paying more taxes to the state. A further tax on flights in and out of Britain and passport ID tax will be implemented soon.
Citizens are warned that any attempt to tamper with the new Sleep Tax system will result in severe punishment. Any attempt at holding eyelids open during sleep or the use of matchsticks to keep eyes open so as not to pay Sleep Tax will be detected and reported resulting in re-education at an eco-gulag.
Sleep well comrades.
Long Live Comrade Brown and the Labour Party INGSOCK Notice: B34532
White Christian Supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan who were very vocal about their endorsement of Barack Obama to be the next President of the United States of America, are very happy about his nomination.
Speaking from his Kentucky office in Dawson Springs, the Imperial Wizard exclaimed that he was “darn happy” that the “crazy ass bitch” Hillary Clinton would not be President.
This is the first time in Klan history that any members of the KKK had ever publicly supported an African American candidate for the presidency.
KKK lodges all over America gathered and held rallies throughout the campaigning session supporting the black presidential candidate.
Grand Turk Cletus Monroe had also been very vocal about the election and had donated thousands of dollars to Obama’s election fund.
“The boy did it. My Klan group alone donated up to $250,000 to the Obama fund. Nationwide we’re talking millions were donated for Obama. Anything was better than Hillary Clinton. Hell I would’ve adopted a whole African village before I voted for Hillary. This is a wonderful day, we’re gonna be celebrating all damn week.”
“A few years back we were lynching negroes. Now we’re gonna have a black president. Hillary is gone, she’s history, vamoose! Anyone or anything is better than Hillary Clinton – anything!!”
Placards for Barack Obama had been put up around the Klan’s Headquarters and the KKK had
television ad campaigns running continuously on multiple channels for the past four months to support their favourite African American candidate.
Ku Klux Klan regional offices were in full party swing all of last night when the news of the win finally came in. All white supremacist groups across America were also jubilant once hearing the news of Obama’s historic win.
Sub-Lieutenant Windsor, 25, will spend five gruelling weeks on HMS Photo Opp Amika, cruising the dangerous seas between the luxury resorts of Abaco, Bahamas and West Palm Beach, Florida.
Armed with a champagne glass he will board and search luxury yachts in a bid to stop gallons of deadly champers from escaping the famous Boujis brigadier.
Mid Rats
His other duties will include assisting the Officer of the Watch on the warship’s bridge to direct photographers from Hello magazine to land safely on the ship — plus disaster relief work if the ship runs out of gourmet ‘tucker’ and booze.
And on his rare days off the Prince will take part in community photographic opportunities with projects at local villages, like painting schools.
Rear Admiral Robert Buttplug, Assistant Chief of the Naval Staff, said: “We’ll need to watch his fatigue levels. He’s not as robust with the vodka like his brother Harry is. The guy’s going to be quite exhausted after all the partying and booze.”
William, who has just finished a photo shoot with the RAF, has been ordered by the palace on this 5-week Caribbean cruise to shake off his hanger-on girlfriend, Kate Middleton, who has aspirations on joining the royal family.
The scheduled 5 week royal photoshoot tour of the Caribbean will be a good opportunity to slow Kate’s insistence on getting married.
Prince William has been advised to switch off his mobile phone during the luxury cruise.
“The Queen herself has ordered the future king to ease the brakes on Kate’s constant endeavours to close the young prince off and force his hand into marriage. She knows that Kate is from a working class background and is simply worried for poor prince William who is being put into a corner by the ambitions of this freeloading young lady who has no job or title,” a senior palace aide divulged.
Official photos of the young royal in his uniform reveal a striking resemblance to his dad Prince Charles who served in a Navy photoshoot as well.
William’s PR stunt is part of his plan to be photographed in all three Services before he leaves the military in January. He hopes it will prepare him for his future role as mascot of the Armed Forces.
Navy chiefs considered sending him to the Gulf — but feared William would be put in danger because of the war that is in progress at the moment.
Commander Reginald Shister said: “We didn’t want him to be in a dangerous war situation even though he only ever participates in photoshoots just like his brother Harry.”
Before William leaves he will have to pass a sea-safety course, which includes keeping the drink in when there is a rough sea and posing correctly whilst negotiating with a Hello magazine photographer.
Once on board he will sleep in a cramped four-poster bedded luxury cabin, replete with en suite bathroom and rise at 2pm every day, if at all.
The British media is gearing up to a massive royal picture special extravaganza and are already preparing by having 3 million acres of forest cleared to print their newspaper spreads.
Naval analyst Jason Cocklespart said: “The first time Prince William carries out a raid on the captain’s drinks cabinet, the adrenaline will be going through his body.”
Previously Wills spent 44 weeks on a photoshoot as an Army officer followed by four months with the RAF.
Rear Admiral Buttplug said: “It will be a thrill and a privilege to have Prince William with the Royal Navy—not a pain in the arse.”
There has been shock around the world as Scott McClellan, an ex White House press aide has divulged the stupefying news that George W Bush and his evil cronies were dishonest to the American people about the Iraq invasion.
In other news there were also announcements that the Pope may be linked to the Catholic church, the Queen of England is linked to Germany and bears are linked to faeces in the woods.
Further astounding revelations have also been published in the tell-all tome:
– The war in Iraq is the biggest military blunder in modern history and has cost the USA trillions of dollars
– President Bush deliberately lied to the American people about the reasons for going to war
– The war was planned two years before the invasion
– Iraq has been pumped full of depleted uranium
– Millions of people have been displaced in Iraq and hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqis have lost their lives
– The illegal Iraqi invasion was for the acquisition of the third largest oil fields in the world to supply America which consumes 40% of the world’s oil supplies — not for any ‘WMD’ or Saddam
– The illegal invasion and occupation of Iraq contravenes UN resolutions and International law (Article 4, Paragraph 4 of the United
Nations Charter)
Speaking on American talkshow TV show Good Morning Montana, she told her host Jesse Springer, “The money and I used to have a great relationship. I never wanted to lose the money. It was only the lawyers who got in between me and Macca’s wallet.”
Heather went on to add, “Every single day I wake up in the morning and mourn the loss of Paul’s bank account, I feel bereaved and distraught at the mere thought of what has happened, the sheer loss is immeasurable and I may have to start proceedings again due to the immense pain I have been made to feel at the loss of access to his huge bank account.”
Heather cries into the hosts shoulder and sobs like a baby hankering for its mother’s milk. Some audience members start crying too and a few visibly distraught women in the audience see fit to walk out, such is their distress.
Recently, Heather has been undergoing counselling sessions with a bereavement expert to try and ease her immense pain. She has also spoken of waking up at nights in a cold sweat then sobbing insanely whilst recounting the wonderful days she had dipping into Sir Paul’s massive bank account.
Heather Mills, ex-wife of Sir Paul McCartney is a broken woman but time will heal her wallet eventually.
The couple are said to have looked at around 100 properties before settling on the 35-bedroom estate.
The sprawling residence comes complete with it’s own chemical toy factory, moat, polluted lake and forest with three trees in it.
Sharon bought the Chinese villa direct from the owner after spotting the property on a Fox News report.
A source close to the deal said: “It’s a place called Chateau Dalai which is in a tiny village called Xin Xan Xin Xiang in Sichuan province.
“They’ll be moving in roughly three days and living there full-time.”
The magnificent cascading stone-walled terraces are of solid construction and made from 95% sand mixed with a little bit of concrete and newspaper.
The estate is surrounded by beautiful yellow water with twenty fountains, bubbling aqueducts, and a toxic chemical laden stream runs through hidden tunnels into the moat and fills the polluted lake.
The popular Beijing Times quoted Ngn See-yuen, founder of the Chinese Sharon Stone Appreciation Society, as saying that he welcomes Sharon Stone to all of China wholeheartedly. Her most recent film, The Year of Getting to Know Us, and four other movies starring the actress, are all set to be very popular in China.
Thousands of Chinese internet users have posted praise online for Sharon Stone and all the media has been inundated with talk of the wonders of the American actress.
The former Cuban president gave a qualified endorsement to Mr Obama whom he described as “the most-advanced candidate” in the race for the White House.
The welcome support of the ailing revolutionary icon is likely to engender more support for Barrack Obama as a true uniter of people and nations.
It was only a few months ago when Obama was endorsed by white supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan as reported first in the Daily Squib Newspaper.
The geriatric Republican nominee, McCain, has consistently tried to exploit the support offered for Mr
Obama by Hamas, the KKK and now Fidel Castro but has backed off after warnings from his doctor about getting too excited.
Writing in his regular column in the state-run Granma newspaper, Mr Castro noted that Mr Obama is a uniter of the nation of Cuba and the United States, unlike all the other “useless” candidates.
“Obama’s doctrines can be translated as a formula for hunger for true unity. I have seen his following and followers’ dedication to this great man, when he has brought the KKK to endorse him and bring unity back to the USA, when he will halt the embargo on Cuba once and for all and bring us our just rights, he is a man of true standing and honour,” the 81-year-old former president wrote, referring to Mr Obama’s unitary qualities.
The Illinois senator said he would rescind all trade sanctions against Cuba as long as they relinquish some of their communist ideals incorporating them within the United States. Obama also vowed to ease restrictions on US-based exiles travelling to Cuba and sending money to relatives — a further gesture of friendship between the two countries.
His chief strategist meanwhile forecast that Mr Obama would cross the finishing line in his marathon with Senator Hillary Clinton for the Democrats’ nomination next week, when South Dakota and Montana are the final states to vote.
Ranjit Bindi Chakrabati told the Daily Squib: “We’re very close now. When the primaries end, I think, we’ll be where we need to be … We’ll be at the number we need to claim the nomination.” By the campaign’s calculations, Mr Obama only needs a further 49 delegates to achieve the simply majority of 2,026 needed to win.
However, the party’s rules committee, manipulated by the Clinton’s, meets on Saturday and would raise the victory threshold if it agreed to include some or all of the delegates from Michigan and Florida, who have so far been
discounted as a penalty for the states’ decision to hold early primaries.
Mrs Clinton is fighting a bitter war and is pushing for all their delegates to be counted, after winning uncontested primaries in both states. Their inclusion would however only reduce her deficit to about 90 delegates,
who will vote at a convention in August.
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