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World Record for Most Emergency Workers at One Incident Broken

Benny Blanco
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World Record for Most Emergency Workers at One Incident Broken

In true American overkill style, a crazed woman was stretchered off and taken away for mental evaluation by 438 paramedics all simultaneously lifting the stretcher into a single ambulance.

The incredible feat was also recorded by 2543 TV stations and attended by 28 helicopters, 154 fire trucks as well as 325 LAPD police vehicles setting multiple records.

The quiet gated community street was so full of Guinness World Record holders that it may go down as the most Guinness World Records broken in one area simultaneously.

Code 5150

The paramedic record involved 438 paramedics from three counties converging on the street. The crazed woman was then stretchered for a massive 20 meter distance to the ambulance and took an amazing 2 minutes 37 seconds.

The previous record of 197 paramedics and 229 police, emergency workers attending a single incident standing since 2003 at the Neverland Ranch was shattered yesterday.

“We never seen so many flashing blue lights in one goddamn place! I was in the act of teabagging my old lady when the proverbial hit the fan. It ruined our evening,” one of the angry and agitated neighbours said from his luxury villa next door.

It is true to say that some people are not too happy about having their evenings ruined by mass Guinness World Records being conducted under their very noses.

Unfit Britons to Lose NHS Care

Benny Blanco
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0
Unfit Britons to Lose NHS Care

Comrade Brown, who was conducting celebrations alone and ushering in the New Era of Change from his dacha in Sector 101 (North Britain), announced that patients will be required to stop smoking, take
exercise or lose weight before they can be treated on the National
Health Service.

In
a New Era of Change message to NHS staff, the Supreme Comrade indicated that all proles will have to fulfil new “responsibilities” in order to establish their
entitlement to care.

The New Era conditions will be set out in a formal NHS “constitution”, Comrade Brown says.

In
his open letter to doctors, nurses and other health workers, the Supreme Comrade in Chief promises to press on with new fitness regimes for the prole and party populations,
pledging more rigorous regimes in gulags and work camps.

He adds: “We will also examine how all these changes can be enshrined
in a New Vision of Change for the NHS, setting out for the first time the exercise regime required to qualify to be treated by our great Social Health Care system.”

Breaking rocks

Obese people, smokers and alcoholics will all be refused treatment under the new NHS guidelines. This means that 99% of MPs in the Westminster duma would be refused treatment if it were not for them being high ranking officials of the one party state.

Supreme Comrade Brown’s vision will include a daily communal exercise regime for all citizens excluding high ranking party officials.

Exercise timetable for all citizens

Starting from the 12th of January 2008, all citizens in Sectors 23 – 101 will be required to congregate in their street at 06.00 hrs every morning wherein a party representative from the Stasi council will put them through an exercise program lasting exactly 45 minutes.

Exercise will then continue at your place of employ at 13.00 hrs where all workers shall congregate in the main yard or factory floor for a bracing 30 minutes of exercise, usually consisting of starjumps, sit ups and push ups.

Workers who are fit and of good health will be given a bonus of 2p per annum on their party wages and a commendation. Those who do not adhere to Comrade Brown’s regime of exercise will be re-educated in work camps or earmarked for retirement.

CCTV cameras will monitor all exercise programs and group leaders will carry out a roll call every day of citizens who attend the required exercise regime. Those who do not turn up to exercise sessions will be severely disciplined.

Notice: B61827 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Rottweiler Attacks Down for December

Benny Blanco
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3
Rottweiler Attacks Down for December

The National Office of Statistics is studying data that suggests the frequent Rottweiler attacks on poor white low class unemployed people in England and Wales has decreased by a remarkable 0.8% for December 2007.

The fatalities and severe injuries sustained by attacking Rottweilers was a mere 345 for this month so far and the minor drop in maulings on Chavs is a cause for concern for other populations of the UK.

Thinning the herd

Rottweilers and Pitbulls are a breed of dog kept specifically by ‘Chavs’ and is nature’s way of keeping Chav population numbers at acceptable levels.

These guard dogs are not bred to be kept in a council flat or other restricted spaces, but need to be kept within large open spaces and to be trained adequately with plenty of exercise. It is no wonder that under the idiocy and ignorance of a Chav owner these dogs lose their minds.

Only Chavs are stupid enough to keep dangerous dogs like these in confined spaces and homes, with very little or no human contact. It is this profound stupidity that also ensures the Chav population is kept in check with daily maulings and fatalities.

Whether it is stabbings or shootings, poor diet and low quality lifestyle which ensures permanent early retirement for the Chav population of England and Wales, the added bonus of Rottweiler attacks also adds to the decrease in the Chav numbers.

Owning a Pitbull or Rottweiler is a badge of honour for Chavs, much like an ASBO or a conviction for GBH.

Breeding

The increase in the Chav populations in the British Isles over the past ten to fifteen years has ensured a steady increase in attacks on their numbers by the dangerous dogs.

“There should not be a crack down on Rottweilers or Pitbulls by the Government. Breeders of dangerous dogs should be encouraged to carry on supplying these dogs to the Chav population,” John Humphreys of the League for the Preservation of Killer Dogs said from his kennels in Hertfordshire.

The increase of attacks on Chavs also relieves the burden on NHS resources and the benefits system as well as reducing policing costs. The resultant lessening tax burden is an additional bonus to the increase in Rottweiler dogs within Chav populations.

Christmas Cancelled Next Year

Benny Blanco
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0
Christmas Cancelled Next Year

Important data discs holding very valuable Christmas addresses, names and gift ideas have been tragically lost over Greenland.

Santa Claus was said by sources to be furious that some of his elves were negligent and did not make special provisions to ensure the safe transport of the data discs. However, some of the fault must lie with Santa who has been cutting costs for many years.

Santa Claus was also criticized for using outdated computers and inferior operating systems. Father Christmas still uses Windows 98 and very slow pc’s and should upgrade to high speed Apple Macs instead to increase productivity.

It may take many years to source the names and addresses of all the Christmas present recipients in the whole world so this is why Christmas will be cancelled for a few years.

Santa made a statement to the Daily Squib via videophone from the North Pole on Wednesday: “We lost the discs whilst flying over Greenland. I told the elf in charge to look after the damn thing and now the little bugger’s lost it. Oi Vey! What has happened to my reputation?”

During the videophone statement, Santa Claus took a large swig of Scotch and was seen ranting wildly and kicking a few elves about then giggling like a maniac.

Santa Claus’ reputation has been further sullied this year, what with receiving illegal anonymous bribes from an invisible donor and now this lost data fiasco. What ever next?

Blair Converts to Catholicism

Benny Blanco
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0
Blair Converts to Catholicism

The former prime minister ended years of speculation by being received into the church in a private ceremony celebrated by Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O’Connor at Westminster.

Mr Blair approached Cardinal Murphy-O’Connor in the spring with a view to joining the church, The Daily Squib has learned.

 

Confession

Catholic sources said Mr Blair attended confession in the days leading up to his reception into the church, in order to seek pardon for his sins.

Mr Blair’s confession took up four whole days and nights and involved the use of six priests working on a shift basis to receive Tony Blair’s sins.

According to Catholic Church sources, Tony Blair has nearly exhausted the goodness of God but even he was still forgiven by the Catholic faith – a true testament to God’s grace.

confession

Three priests who received the ex-prime minister Tony Blair’s confessional announced their early retirement due to loss of faith. A fourth priest was so disgusted and disillusioned by Mr Blair’s confession that he has denounced Catholicism and converted to Satanism.

The subject of ex-prime minister Blair’s confession may have involved devious, deceitful, murderous, treacherous and evil decisions in his 10 years in power, such as leading Britain into an illegal war with Iraq in 2003 and the early retirement of scientist Dr Kelly.

Commentators claim he would have converted months earlier were it not for his position as speech maker for the American business network, where he commands up to $500,000 per speech.

Heather Mills to Open Giant Rat Milk Farm in UK

Benny Blanco
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3
Heather Mills to Open Giant Rat Milk Farm in UK

After researchers in a remote jungle in Indonesia discovered a giant rat species that is apparently new to science, Heather Mills McCartney immediately jumped on a plane and flew to the secluded tropical rainforest in Papua.

She was brimming with excitement at the prospect of bringing back the giant rats to the UK for the purposes of breeding and milking them for mass human consumption.

Unearthing new species of mammals in the 21st century is considered very rare.

The huge rat was found in the Foja Mountains rainforest in Eastern Papua province in a June expedition, said the Salford based Conservation International, which organized the trip along with the Indonesian Institute of Science.

“The giant rat is about five times the size of a typical city rat,” said Kristof Helgensons, a scientist with the Northern Rock Research Institution of Newcastle. “Heather Mills has already milked a few of the giant rats and enjoyed the milk in her cup of Tetley this morning.”

The giant rats, however, are very dangerous and during the expedition four of them gnawed through one of the native porters and left the poor fellow without a leg. Luckily, Heather had a spare so lent it to the poor chap.

Mills, who stands to gain a whopping £1.5 million from her divorce battle with Sir Paul McCartney, spoke of her plans in November when she proposed that the UK population should start milking rats and dogs.

Ms Mills said that livestock created far more carbon emissions than transport, so we should go vegan – someone who eats no meat or dairy produce – or at least find something else to put in tea or coffee.

Heather Mills was very excited about the large rat find and plans to bring a breeding pair back to the UK for farming. “By 2019 I will have a full milking pack of 60,000 rats at my farm in Dorset. Each giant rat can produce enough milk to serve a small child for three months.”

After many years spent milking hapless men for large sums of money, Heather is going to be milking giant rat teats for a living instead.

Heather Mills is already securing distribution deals with Tesco for Giant Rats Milk which will be sold under the Value label.

She plans to conquer all UK supermarket shelves by 2020 and knock Linda McCartney’s Veggie selection for six with Heather’s Giant Rat Semi-Skimmed Milk. There are even plans for a Heather Rat Milk version of Milk Tray which is bound to be a bestseller.

Some scientists who are not under her hypnotic control have however doubted the efficacy of such a plan. What if one of these huge rats escapes, breeds, then spreads across the UK?

The Daily Squib Christmas Nintendo Wii Giveaway

Benny Blanco
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0
The Daily Squib Christmas Nintendo Wii Giveaway

You’ve been trawling the internet, the shops and everywhere else for the Wii.

Well, now is your chance to get a Wii console for Christmas.

We can get you a Wii

The Daily Squib Wii offer is giving away one Wii console to one lucky person this Christmas.

You can now be the envy of all your friends and family and acquire one of the most sought after consoles of all time.

Nintendo is not able to meet the holiday demand and has pulled some
advertising in order to not make the situation worse.

Nintendo will be offering customers
who are unable to find a Wii for Christmas a deal where if they pay £250 now they may receive a Wii console by March if stocks permit.

Obviously this will not cut it for most holiday shoppers who are buying
Wii’s on ebay for more than five times the going rate.

One Ebay customer recently bought a Wii with one controller for £880 (retail £179.99).

Online retailers have been capitalising on the Wii shortfall by marking up consoles and profiteering on the meagre supplies.

Wiin a Wii

Now for the details on how to acquire a Wii console exclusively available only from the Daily Squib Wii competition where one lucky winner will scoop the prize of the century (or even millennium).

To win the prize we have hidden one Wii console within a 2600 km length along the Northern Indian Subcontinent. North of this mountain belt lies the Tibetan Plateau (Qing Zang Gaoyuan). The Himalayas form the earth’s highest mountain region, containing 9 of the 10 highest peaks in the world and a Nintendo Wii.

The Wii console could even be on world’s highest mountain, Mount Everest (8,850 m/29,035 ft), which is on the Nepal-Tibet border; the second highest peak, K2 or Mount Godwin Austen (8,611 m/28,251 ft), located on the border between China and Jammu and KashmÄ«r, a territory claimed by India and Pakistan (so be sure to get the correct passes and visas); the third highest peak, Kānchenjunga (8,598 m/28,209 ft) on the Nepal-India border; Makālu (8,481 m/27,824 ft) on the Nepal-Tibet border; Dhaulāgiri (8,172 m/26,811 ft) and AnnapÅ«rna 1 (8,091 m/26,545 ft) in Nepal; Nanga Parbat (8,125 m/26,657 ft) in the Pakistani-controlled portion of Jammu and KashmÄ«r; and Nanda Devi (7817 m/25,645 ft) in India.

The Daily Squib team utilised the services of veteran Himalayan explorer Richard De Winters to place the Wii console deep within the Himalayan region.

If you leave today, you will get to Nepal by Saturday. Just think, you could be having a frozen wii on some mountain peak for Christmas.

The Daily Squib Wii Christmas Competition winner will be announced on Christmas Eve. The Daily Squib is not liable for any deaths or serious accidents that may occur as a result of participating in the Wii competition. Daily Squib Wii Competition participants are liable for own costs to journey to the Himalayan mountain region, including life insurance and medical expenses.

Michael Jackson Audition for Next Star Wars Film Unsuccessful

Benny Blanco
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2
Michael Jackson Audition for Next Star Wars Film Unsuccessful

Jackson who is also being pursued by approximately 245 debt collectors all wanting large sums of money from him, is so desperate for cash that he turned up on set unannounced pleading for clemency.

Lucas who is not afraid of seeing wild looking alien creations was taken aback by Jackson and screamed out in surprise when the former King of Pop appeared out of a shadow.

“George screamed like a little girl when he saw Jackson come out of a shadow at him. I never seen George fazed like that. This is the same guy who has created some of the most fearsome creatures in celluloid history,” a production assistant working on the film told the Daily Squib.

Jackson may still get the part because of his scare factor however there are liabilities to his employ: his weak facial structure which is not possible to insure, the hundreds of people trying to recover debts from him all the time and there will be children on set.

 


Michael Jackson on the Star Wars set

 


The Daily Squib feels that Michael Jackson is more suited for Clive Barker movies and as a favour to the ailing star have forwarded a recommendation to Mr Barker’s production company. Don’t worry Michael we’re all looking out for you.

 

Chelsy Davy to Star in Female Car Mechanics Calendar

Benny Blanco
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0
Chelsy Davy to Star in Female Car Mechanics Calendar

Prince Harry’s  girlfriend has been sunning herself in South Africa.

Zimbabwe-born
Chelsy Davy escaped the chilly UK last week to practice posing for the 2008 calendar where she will pose as a female car mechanic.

A source said: “Chelsy looked stunning in
her skimpy white bikini and her gurning was to perfection. She is determined to get the right ‘muntered’ look for the photoshoot next week.”

The
22-year-old spent two hours sunbathing and smoking roll-up cigarettes
on the balcony of her apartment on Saturday, she was then spotted swigging a bottle of vodka and making funny faces at the bystanders – Chelsy then managed to conjure up a large greenie which she spat onto an old woman’s head.

Chelsy, who has had a series of rows with Harry over
his boring academic lifestyle, has reportedly agreed to return to the UK in
the New Year and give her romance with the prince another chance – as soon as he is free from his studies and academic research.

The
source added: “Harry has promised Chelsy he will take their
relationship seriously and put aside his studious ways for awhile.”

The 2008 Calendar for Female Car Mechanic of the Year featuring Chelsy Davy is available now from all top retailers.

Entire Labour Government Lost in Iowa

Benny Blanco
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1
Entire Labour Government Lost in Iowa

The news of the whole Labour Government being lost in the cold icy terrain of Iowa has come as a welcome piece of news for the British people and the world.

Today, across the whole of Britain there were street parties from Land’s End to John O’Groats at the wonderful news.

Buckingham Palace flew the flag at full mast and the Queen appeared at the Palace balcony to wave to the thousands of cheering revellers.

No one knows why the Labour Government was in Iowa but no one cares either.

The American President, George W Bush, did not actually know where Iowa was in the USA when asked on Fox News this morning. He was then asked whether there would be a search party sent to the region. The ailing lame-duck President was distracted by a piece of lint on his jacket catching his eye and was not able to answer coherently.

The wilds of Iowa are very inauspicious at this time of year and can reach lows of -20 c.

Ex-Prime Minister Gordon Brown and his cabinet are probably either bear food or frozen blocks of ice by now.

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